Billy no mates

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

OK, been cooking this one up for a week or more, and I am now starting with a cold, so I thought I had best give it a go now while I can still type and still see the screen.
I think most of our sisters in the states will be able to guess what the title of my post means, I not sure if they will know where it comes from, for this reason only I will explain what I know.
'Billy No Mates' was a cruel name given to the kid in every class at school who had no friends. If you American ladies had the same thing could you let me know please?

Now I need to start by saying that if you believe this fits you, and continued to be you after you left school, then welcome to the club. There will be those however who strenuously argue against being in this club. 'I've got a mate. a best mate.. so it can't apply to me' Well if you don't want it to fine, but I have mates too, and I know it applies to me.
I know at school I only really ever had one friend, all the 10 years I went.. and a lot of time he found me darn hard work. My friends now, are for the most part struggling with me, as most of them are committed Christians who I met when I .. well.. ten years ago.. and things have changed for me, but not for them.
The point to my post is this; My dressing affects my friends. I allow it to. I know many of you don't, you don't tell your friends, they don't know, and you have a ball with them. For some reason, and I aint saying this for some badge of honour, I can't live that way. I am open with my friends as to who I am, in the hope that they are the same. I need to be able to share with 'mates' everything that is on my mind, not constantly be trying to rememeber who knows about Sammy and who doesn't.

About two weeks ago a sister on here, Sandra, sent me a message. Sandra lives just 4 miles up the road from me, and without going on and on, we have hit it off big time. We were born in the same town, we laugh at almost exactly the same things, and we can both accept each other for who we are.
I have been on the web almost from the day it started, my first ISP was compuserve, and I have a 6 diget ICQ number.. this is the first time I have met a CD/TV in person that doesn't want to dishonour my marriage, and that I can sit with alone, dressed, and feel at peace with.
I GOT A MATE, AND MY NAME AINT BILLY NO MORE!

But of course that ain't quit true. I got quite a thing about cursing oneself, but if you have lived your life with little or no mates, I believe that it can actually be very hard work to have any, or at least keep them.
Sandra has said that she can easily spend the whole day alone, without seeing anyone, and be quite at peace, even enjoy it. I'm sure some of you are the same... but what if that was 2 days, 3.. 5? I think most people would go nuts??
I think Billy's though, would cope without a problem, they are used to being alone, they actually prefere it that way at times. If closeted it can be EXACTLY what they want.. time alone to dress.
I have warned Sandra that at times I explode on my friends with devestating results. At 41 years of age I haven't learnt how to tell them, 'I need space, real space', so I explode in the hope they will leave me alone... back to being Billy again.

Here are my questions:
A) Are you, have you been a Billy?
B) Do you think BNM's have a problem with people in general?
C) Does your dressing / the dressing of your partner add to the feeling of having no mates?

Please do add anything you like to this.. just needed to rant..

[Zelgadis]

1) Yes I was indeed like that.

2) I am still hurting from when I had no one but me. Not even family. Despite the fact that I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters, I spent most of my 23 years alone. It has made me naturally distrustful of others, because I've never had someone to trust. It's become so against my nature, that it is now difficult for me to do so. So I suppose I do have a problem with people. I'm not accustomed to being around them.

3) Yes. Although I have started to heal and become semi-functional around others, when I started dressing, I have become less comfortable around young men. But I am also more comfortable around Gay males actually, although I myself am not, I am definatly alot more comfortable around them than I was before.

[oztallulah]

A) Are you, have you been a Billy? Yes, I live alone, have done for 4 years now. I enjoy my own company, for days, weeks and months. Haven't gone off the planet, yet????

B) Do you think BNM's have a problem with people in general?
That depends a lot on their inner personality traits. There are many people who have problems being with or around others, and they are not necessarily BNM's

C) Does your dressing / the dressing of your partner add to the feeling of having no mates? Absolutely the opposite. The support and warmth of my partner actually helps me to be me, rather than someone who I have to pretend to be.

Now, to qualify some of the above answers. I work in an environment of dealing with people all day. I quite often fiond that experience more NMing than being on my own. I have learnt to know myself, to feel at one with myself, whilst never really feeling alone. I enjoy solitude, but am not a hermit or recluse. Now, I am beginning to rant, so I will leave it at that.

Good questions, and very good subject for us girls to discuss.

Hugs and things. Andrea.

Please do add anything you like to this.. just needed to rant..[/QUOTE]

[uknowhoo]

No Billie here. I am, and have always been quite sociable, though I do enjoy my solitude on occasion... a time to every purpose, y'know.

I think it's difficult to classify people so generally. I expect there are plenty of NM's who may "have a problem with people," yet plenty of others of whom that cannot be said. It's a matter of degrees too, is it not?

To the extend I am an NM at all, I would say CDing has contributed to it, as I'm still in the closet. That said, I have found plenty of mates here, and am looking fwd to meeting a few in person (for the first time tomorrow, and another next month).

[JoAnnDallas]

When I was in High School, I was a BNM, since I was almost 2 years younger than my classmates. That was extremly four hard years. Then I join the USAF and all that changed. it is asmazing what military service does to ones self estime. Your no longer a individual, your part of a team. I no longer have a problem socializing. Also when I was younger, I was extremly SHY, that also changed with military service. IMHO, I still think that they never should have dropped the draft.

[Lilith Moon]

Another BMN checking in here. Throughout school I had one or two good friends, no more. Same applies in my work career...just a few good friends. I'm not deliberately anti-social, I think I am just socially incompetant and I rarely meet folk who I can strongly empathise with. The only friend I am out to is my wife. Since we moved to a more rural area here in Wales I have made *no* new friends at all :(

[Zelgadis]

Despite the fact that I am still hurting from my youth (you might say I'm still in my youth I suppose), I have told a number of my friends about my crossdressing. I live with one of my friends, so I figured he would have found out anyways, so it was better to tell him, than to have him catch me... though it was a mix of both when I 'told' him. He also had a secret to share with me after, which another of my friends knew, so I knew I could tell him as well. I also told my sister after she came out to my parents that she was a lesbian, and it was mentioned to some of our mutual friends, so they also know.

[Stephenie]

I had several good friends will growing up. But since then I have had no close friends. I do see and interact with people on most days at work but in the summer I can go for days with out seeing someone else at work. At home I have my wife and kids and at times feel that being alone for a few days would be nice.

I enjoy time alone and time with others. But for the most part I don't like to be with alot of people that I know all at once. A few people at a time is what I like. I have no problem with people but I do feel that the more you have in one place the lower the intelligences gets. Remember if you think that your of average intelligence then half the people are dumber than you and the most intelligent don't hang around with you so the chance that the people you are with are dumber is higher.

[TGMarla]

Growing up is hard for many, even most kids. Throw in a secret like crossdressing, and it's just one more thing piled on a whole bunch of pressures that kids have to deal with. Maintaining friends is hard for kids, because they can be shallow and jump ship if it will boost their status and popularity. There are times when they feel on top of the world, but this can be rare, and more likely they have times when they feel that the whole world has turned against them. It's tough. Kids are often cruel.

I had many friends growing up, but only one who was loyal and true. But it got me through. I made new friends later, after the teen years. Now I have quite a few who will be my brothers for life.

I make it a point never to drive them away. If you need to dump on them, for reasons that sometimes you just need to vent, I'm careful to make sure that it's never a personal thing with them. They are valuable to me. I do not include them in my crossdressing. I did tell one of them, and he was delighted to hear it, but I haven't pursued the subject with him. One day soon, I'm sure I will. He's a new-age, enlightened type. He's great! I felt absolutely no misgivings in spilling the beans to him.

Culture and nurture your friends. A true friend can be a rare thing.

[deeasheville]

A) Are you, have you been a Billy?
For the most part the only time anyone had anything to do with me, in school, was to embarrass me in one way or another.

B) Do you think BNM's have a problem with people in general?
After years of being look down on, you tend to close yourself off from others

C) Does your dressing / the dressing of your partner add to the feeling of having no mates?
What mate ?
Not that I'm not open for new friends or a mate.

[Kim E]

Hi SammyJoUK ~
Can I join, can I, can I, pleeeease ?
A) Always was and still am a Billy. As a child I always talked and played with girls. My father would swat my bum and send me out to play with boys. I felt different and didn't fit in, so no mates. Then puberty hit and I "developed" and then I sure didn't fit in. I was the brunt of jokes, harassment and all sorts of cruel kid stuff. Only had one real guy friend in high school. He knew about my feminine side and supported me and never was cruel about it. Funny, he could accept me for who I was, but I couldn't accept myself. He died in a house fire the year after graduation, was only 18.
Got married at 28 for all the wrong reasons. Our friends were her friends, but no real mates. Divorced when she became an off-the-wall religious zealot.
Worked over 25 years in public service, I could socialize and interact with anyone, know scads of people, but no real mates.
B) This BNM lives alone and loves every minute of it. I spend my days as any female would and my life is absent of any pressure. I am very social, when the need arises, but just have a problem trusting and opening up to people. Been burned too many times. That, my counselor says, stems from my childhood. Who knows, maybe I just was born to be a loner.
C) Doesn't apply.
Sorry, didn't mean to ramble, just needed to talk. Thanks

Hugs ~ Kim

[Wendy me]

i have eather been with a bunch of freinds or been alone i love haveing freinds and people around but then again i like to be all alone too i don't think my dressing has anything to do with it ....sometimes i can feell all alone and outher times like i am being smouthred by people so i just do what i feel is right at any time .... it works for me....

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Pretty much been a loner, long before I started dressing at puberty. Still am today, although I'm increasing ambivalent about it. I'm content to be alone most of the time, but...

Don't think I have a problem with people in general. Rather I think it's a combination of circumstances. I was a brainy, awkward kid in a neighborhood full of jocks, so I never really fit in during grade school and by the time I hit high school I'd kind of just adopted the role of outsider. Plus my parents were both workaholics, who didn't have a lot of friends, so that just was I assumed life was like. Being online has been a bit of a two-edged sword. OTOH, I've been able to connect with people who shared similar interests, which tend toward to be outside the mainstream, but OTOH, you can't really go out for a beer with someone online (unless of course they happen to live nearby).

My dressing doesn't really affect any of this one way or the other. I'm not out to my friends, so obviously I don't invite them over when I dress, but it's not like I've got friends constantly over anyway.

[Shannon]

I had lots of friends growing up. I was an Air Force brat (guess I still am in some ways). With the constant going and coming of kids in the neighborhood and at school, making friends was something you learned. What you gave up was longer-term, life-long friends. Pretty much had a lot of friends all the way through graduate school. After getting married and starting to work, the number and quality of friendship really dwindled. I don't a 'best friend' and only a handful of close friends I feel that I could call upon if I needed there help.

I don't know if BNM have a problem with people in general, or if people in general have a problem with people that turn into BNMs. Its an interactive situation.

Dressing doesn't enter into the number and quality of my friends. Actually, I feel such a spirit of community, support and trust at this forum, I'd say that dressing has increased my friendships.

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Wanted to thank everyone for their replies, some interesting points...
Stephenie:- I attract the clever people.. I know that cause I'm always the dummy that don't get the joke etc etc..
Kim:- Deep stuff hon, and your friend.. how sad.
Off to eat tea
Thanks again

[Emma_Forbes]

Hi All,

I'm not sure exactly how to start this ramble - which is probably how it will end up - but being in the category of having no mates I feel I want to say something at least.

As a child I was Billy lots of mates although underneath it all I struggled. Maybe I was a 'closet shy' if there can be such a thing.

These days I am incredibly lonely. I long for someone to be with and talk with just about normal every day things like what colour to paint my lounge.... Unfortunately one of the disadvantages about being an unwilling BNM is that when the opportunity to interact does present itself you can be very intense and that frightens people away so you end up even lonelier than before - and because it's self-inflicted it feels way worse.

Then when you add in crossdressing it just magnifies the problem. Those who know don't want to talk about it. Those who don't know can't talk about it. So I can admire a woman's outfit but if I say something then I'm either ignored or weird.

For me, having suffered from depression for a number of years and having been out of work, I have had even less opportunity to interact with other people. It also makes walking into any new situation extremely daunting. Imagine the pressure and fear about going somewhere dressed en-femme.

There are no crossdresser groups in my area and I wouldn't have the confidence to go on my own anyway. Not that I could pass if I did go. When you feel conspicuous and not wanted then going into that kind of situation is crass stupidity. It is safer to sit at home on my own than in a crowd of people self-conscious and on my own. The risk isn't worth taking.

So I content myself (not that content is even close) to be on my own and lonely and try to cope as best I can. It's not easy and I don't like it.

Anyway that is one hell of a ramble so I'd better shut up. Thanks for reading.

Emma
BTW: This a great forum for questions, answers and advice. Thank you all.

[ChrissyCrossedLegs]

Dear Emma :hugs:
I'm not sure I apologise for going on and on, or rambling really, I mean that is what we are here for, isn't it?
You go on and on girl, don't mind us at all.
It gives me no pleasure at all to know that my post hit a nerve with you Emma, none at all, but I half thought I would get a few like yours, and others who have already posted.

One thing you wrote: "you can be very intense and that frightens people away so you end up even lonelier than before - and because it's self-inflicted it feels way worse." Oh man do I know this one.
Born in Wigan I can talk, I can talk when I am down, when I am ok, and absolutley when I am up. Get me nervous, and it's ear bud time.
Thanks for posting Emma, and I hope you find some good friends locally soon that can get you out and about feeling safe. I am sure others will tell you that when a buch of T-Girls get together this is no sure thing as leaving someone behind to get beaten up.. never going to happen.. not on my watch.