Letting Her Know I'm a CD'r

[Tricia Lee]

There is a TS woman working at my local hardware store. I noticed her a week or two ago. I'm in this store frequently, and so eventually on one visit she happened to be the employee that asked if I needed help.

The nice thing is I've seen her helping other people, and everyone seems OK with it.

She helped me find a few items while I was there, but we didn't speak any further. I'd like to talk to her about various things. So is there any appropriate way to let her know I'm a crossdresser?

[pamela_a]

And you KNOW she's TS how? Is it on her name tag? She told you? I'm sorry if this sounds offensive but so what if you're a crossdresser....she's NOT. IF she's TS, for her it's her life and not a game she plays when she feels like it. The last thing she wants to deal with, especially at work, is someone "calling her out".
Just treat her like the woman she is and nothing more

[Kaz]

I'm not TS, but I agree with Pamela. The last thing anyone wants (including most CDs) is to be 'called out'... and how do you know she is? If she is a GG and you announced you were a CD out of the blue... how would that look?

Relax in the perception that you have possibly identified someone succeeding in what they want to do and rejoice... the best thing she will want is to be treated as the woman she is.

[DanaR]

I would be careful, you could just casually talk to her over a period of time and see how she responds. She is probably trying to blend in, but if you came out to her, she might think that your motives are something else.

[Katesback]

If I was working and some trans person came up and did what you are talking about doing I would do either of two things. The first would be to say lets go to a quiet place where I would then chew your ass out for voilating my privacy! I could give a rats ass if your a CD or whatever you want to call yourself. I have no desire to talk to you at my place of work about your tranny stuff!

The more likely thing I would do is look you in the eye and say your mistaken and that I am just a girl. All the while in the back of my head I would want to rip your head off and ____ down your throat.

Was I clear enough about how I felt about your little thing. Your a crossdresser. It is a game to you to do what you do. The girl at the hardware store is real life. She does not want part time game players saying hi!

Katie

[Bree-asaurus]

First off... never assume someone is transexual. And don't EVER bring up the fact that you THINK she might be, even if you somehow know she is.

And why on earth would she care that you're a crossdresser? You two have absolutely nothing in common aside from wearing women's cloths.

[Badtranny]

I can see it now, she's ringing you up at the register and you say, "sooo what color panties are you wearing?"

Just kidding hopefully but the other girls are totally right. The "TS" woman does not care if you are a cross-dresser and you will only be embarrassing yourself if you broach the subject. Keep in mind that TS and CD are not generally cut from the same cloth.

I'm sorry if we sound a little sharp on this, but I personally would be horrified if someone approached me at work and told me they were a CD. Over drinks? Maybe. If we were friends? Definitely. But somebody I barely know? ...omg

[Bree-asaurus]

I can see it now, she's ringing you up at the register and you say, "sooo what color panties are you wearing?"

Just kidding hopefully but the other girls are totally right. The "TS" woman does not care if you are a cross-dresser and you will only be embarrassing yourself if you broach the subject. Keep in mind that TS and CD are not generally cut from the same cloth.

I'm sorry if we sound a little sharp on this, but I personally would be horrified if someone approached me at work and told me they were a CD. Over drinks? Maybe. If we were friends? Definitely. But somebody I barely know? ...omg

"Hi random stranger! I have vibrator and I think you do too! I just wanted to say hi and let you know that it's okay to have a vibrator!"

... *runs away and dials 911*

Sorry Tricia... we may sound pretty harsh and I'm sure you only have good intentions. But hopefully this will shine some light on the subject of how we live and how we like to be addressed. If someone spots us as a tranny... that's a blow to our self esteem. It makes our day when we don't have to deal with transexual issues, no matter what the intention.

[Miranda-E]

There is a TS woman working at my local hardware store. I noticed her a week or two ago. I'm in this store frequently, and so eventually on one visit she happened to be the employee that asked if I needed help.

The nice thing is I've seen her helping other people, and everyone seems OK with it.

She helped me find a few items while I was there, but we didn't speak any further. I'd like to talk to her about various things. So is there any appropriate way to let her know I'm a crossdresser?

do you thinks its important to her that your a crossdresser?
I'll never understand the closeted mindset that drives them to want to out everyone but themselves.
get out, or get out of the way.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Well as a fellow transgendered sister why wouldn't .............oops

[DanaR]

Imagine that you are out sometime dressed and someone comes up to you and starts talking about crossdressing, how would you respond. It would freak me out, depending on who it was. If it is a GG, then I might be okay with it, but if it was a guy I'm not sure. I'm out trying to blend in and not only has someone read me, but they want to talk about it.

[Frances]

I am impressed with how fast the responses came. I am with everyone else here. If you want to talk to others about CD'ing or gender variance, find a group somewhere. You will see lots of people there that you did not know were trans. If someone "looks trans", he or she probably feels insecure and does not want to be outed.

[RachelOKC]

As much as it might be nice to meet another local transperson, not every situation is appropriate for introductions or openness and a stranger's workpace is probably right at the top of that list. At least the OP had good sense to ask for advice so she shouldn't be beaten up about what didn't happen.

As far as CD and TS having nothing in common? Speak from your own experience. Mine is that of friendship with transpeople of all kinds. There's CD and TS people that I just don't care for or have much in common with, but that's little to do with either of our trans statuses.

I think this issue comes down to respect for other people's concerns and feelings. We in the trans community can be remarkably callous about asking each other invasive personal questions and we often do so without even deliberating whether we have a need to know or not. When we transpeople do it to each other so much why should it bother us when a non-trans person does it? If you want to respect people or make and remain friends with someone, try treating them as a person and not a thing.

[Melody Moore]

I agree, if you come up and said to me "I know you are a tranny & I am a Cder" I will literally tear your
head off irrespective of where we are, or who is in earshot because that is just so freaking rude to do
that to a transsexual person.

A situation actually happened to me like this back in the early part of my transition. I was standing in a store
about to be served when this very rude fa'afafine (a transgendered woman from the South Pacific Islands) with
a very masculine face turned around and said "You got the face of a man" after she overheard me talk to the
cashier. Well I just turned around and said "And what? You don't honey? Just because I think you've got the face
of a dog, I am not so rude to go up to you and tell you that!" All these people standing around and heard me say
this to this woman and they all burst out laughing.

The woman serving me was also a friend of mine and she could not believe how rude this fa'afafine was to me to
do something like that, so she ordered this stupid b!tch to leave the store. However before she left, I was standing
there with my purse open in my hand, so my drivers licence was visible, so I shoved it in her face and said "So you
think I am a man huh? What does it say on there?" She studied my licence for a second & then said "Oh, so you're
a woman!" & then I said "Yes, now get the f**k out of my face". She left the store to the boos and jeers from all
the other people who were also offended by how she behaved. Some other people said that I never deserved to be
disrespected like that no matter who I was. She had no business to approach me & say anything.

The bottom line is that when I am out in public I am just an ordinary woman who wants a peaceful and happy life, so
leave me the f**k alone or else! In the safe & secure support group environment I am a completely different person
and I am happy to talk about any transgender or transsexual related issue, but what is said there at that group meeting
stays there and is not to be shared with anyone else around the town, but even that doesn't happen all the time like I
would have hoped.

Recently I had some guy contact me on facebook who I never met before in my life sent me a message and he said to me
"I know you are a tranny" and I was like "WTF?". So I checked out his profile and was reading his wall posts and he made
lots of homophobic comments which was also upsetting other people. So I was like "Wow! who is this homophobic creep?".
I also figured out that someone had to tell him about me, because the majority of people have no clue about who I am. So
I posted his profile and his statements to my wall to ask all my friends if they knew this homophobic moron and also sent
him a message that I was going to find out who he was with a link to my post.

This guy come back begging for me to take my post down because he was fearful about losing his job. And I told him
"No" and that he had to come clean with me about why he was so transphobic & homophobic in his comments and how
he addressed me. I even gave him my phone number & told him that he had to talk to me face to face if he was ever
to resolve this issue. He called me up crying about what he did and the way he behaved, then he also come out and
admitted to me that he was repressing his true feelings about who he really was. I told him that I could see who he really
was because I was once like him myself. I even said I could see that he was truly a woman on the inside from his photos.

So I think when you are trans, you don't need to be told that someone else is trans or whatever, you just know anyway,
so there is no need to come out to them & put yourself and them at risk as well. There is better ways to go about it than
by putting someone on the spot like that where the chances are really great is all you will get a very bad reaction. As others
have said, join a support group, but leave trans people well the hell alone when you see them in public. It is also very bad
etiquette to point trans people out to other people you know. for example of you seen someone from a support group meeting
walking down the street, don't point them out to your friends because you are just violating that trans person's right to privacy.

But heed this warning - if you are going to be so inconsiderate and rude to try and out me,
then I am going to out you and I guarantee it will be worse for you than it ever was for me.

[Katesback]

Friendship from the CD? Perhaps but at the same time ya also have to throw in the all to common sexual attraction. Yes all too often the CDs find a TS attractive and want.............well use your imagination.











As much as it might be nice to meet another local transperson, not every situation is appropriate for introductions or openness and a stranger's workpace is probably right at the top of that list. At least the OP had good sense to ask for advice so she shouldn't be beaten up about what didn't happen.

As far as CD and TS having nothing in common? Speak from your own experience. Mine is that of friendship with transpeople of all kinds. There's CD and TS people that I just don't care for or have much in common with, but that's little to do with either of our trans statuses.

I think this issue comes down to respect for other people's concerns and feelings. We in the trans community can be remarkably callous about asking each other invasive personal questions and we often do so without even deliberating whether we have a need to know or not. When we transpeople do it to each other so much why should it bother us when a non-trans person does it? If you want to respect people or make and remain friends with someone, try treating them as a person and not a thing.

[Bree-asaurus]

As far as CD and TS having nothing in common? Speak from your own experience. Mine is that of friendship with transpeople of all kinds. There's CD and TS people that I just don't care for or have much in common with, but that's little to do with either of our trans statuses.

Well of course people can have things in common, my point is just because they're both transgender doesn't IMMEDIATELY give them common ground. It would be the same thing if I came up to you as a stranger and said "Hey, you're wearing shoes... I'm wearing shoes too! Wanna go get some drinks?" You don't care if I wear shoes... why would a TS care if you wear women's cloths?


but that's little to do with either of our trans statuses.

That's the important part. They may have stuff in common, I'm not saying they wouldn't. But wearing women's cloths isn't really a great icebreaker.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kate..this happened to me just a couple months a go...
Close friend..long time cd....last year she started wanting to talk more and we hung out more than in the past..we dined a lot at a bar near her home, and she really liked to dress up...she asked me a lot of questions about transition, and I listened without comment as she talked about how she wanted to transition someday......in early December we went to a movie and she showed up as a guy...after the movie, we hug and she tries to kiss me on the mouth, tell me I am her idol, and that she wants me to be her girlfriend....

Just one story...

[JulieK1980]

How did you see that she had a penis in a professional setting? I mean that has to be the case right? How else would you 100% know for a fact they are trans?

Really though, if you wanted to talk to someone about something that is (as is obvious by the posts here) VERY personal and private, you'd have to be their friend, and I don't mean a mild aquaintance, but an honest to God, good friend. Why don't you try saying hello, and treat them as a PERSON. Since you know, they are one, and that trumps being trans any day of the week. Anything other than her telling you herself, will likely result in a well deserved smack in the face.

[Melody Moore]

Well of course people can have things in common, my point is just because they're both transgender doesn't IMMEDIATELY give them common ground.
I agree Bree, some trans people are openly trans, whereas many others are not. While some of the public
know I am trans, the greatest majority of people don't have a clue and I really prefer to keep things that
way. When I go to LGBT events, I am sitting with cisgendered lesbians, other places with other cisgendered
women. You don't see me socialising with drag queens or many other transgendered people. I don't like to
bring that type of attention to myself, but most of all I have nothing in common with drag queens & very
little in common with a lot of transgendered women. I am intersex & transsexual but I identify as a woman
so I have a lot more in common with cisgendered women so that's who I prefer to hang out with most of all.
I have some close transsexual friends, but they all assimilate very well into society as women. So the bottom
line is, I really have no interest in the fact you are a crossdresser when I am out doing MY thing on My time.

If you are a crossdresser who is thinking about transitioning, then you can contact me via the support group.

[Tricia Lee]

So is there any appropriate way to let her know I'm a crossdresser?

A simple 'no' with some explanation would have been sufficient. Sheesh.

In response to some of the questions/comments...

I go out in public dressed. If someone came up and talked to me about being a CD I would be totally fine with it. Thrilled, in fact, assuming it wasn't a come-on. I'm not interested in physical intimacy with anyone but my wife.

As far as 'how I know'? There is no question in my mind. I could go into the details of describing why, but I won't. Suffice to say, she looks just fine and is dressed appropriately. I assume TS and not full-time CD because of apparent FFS.

I might just show up in a dress sometime and see how it goes :)

[Julia_in_Pa]

Tricia,

I would allow for additional time to get to know her prior to asking anything like that.

One way I have broached the subject was to wear a trans triangle pin where it would be readily visible by my target audience.

Let the jewelery do the talking.


Julia

[Jonianne]

:slap:

Talk about getting your hand smacked! :D

Well, I know I will never "out" a TS Woman! It definatly drives home a point.

[Babette]

Tricia, I think there are many ways to establish a relationship with someone. However, discussing such personal matters of either her's or your transsexual tendencies should only be considered if your acquaintance goes beyond a casual encounter at her work place.

Does this person exhibit personality signs of extraversion or introversion? If you were to meet me on the street, there is a good chance we would be talking for an hour. I'm an extravert though and we can't help ourselves. Should the lady you met be an extreme introvert, then any mention of your CD'ing might be a bit too aggressive and turn her off to you. So regardless of what personal details you want to share with someone, its always a good idea to respect their individuality while maintaining a high level of approachability. Even if the relationship deepens, the subject may or may not ever surface. Regardless, just consider the higher value of knowing them as a person. Remember the old saying - discretion is the better part of valor.

Babette

[SandraAbsent]

Am I blind or did my post get deleted?

[ReineD]

Am I blind or did my post get deleted?

Nope, no posts have been deleted from this thread. If you composed it in the "Quick Reply" window and left the page before clicking on "Post Quick Reply", it disolved into cyberspace. You should post again.


...after the movie, we hug and she tries to kiss me on the mouth, tell me I am her idol, and that she wants me to be her girlfriend....

So, what happened? :D

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i hated it..

for many years i got close to a wonderful person that presented herself as a crossdresser...this person was very helpful to me in many ways, and i helped her alot too..

over the last year or so, i had been hearing more and more about she wanted help and advice around transition..and i shared my honest thoughts many times...

then all of sudden one day HE shows up and decides he wants to go out with me!!!! it was like a person i knew just disappeared and this creepy guy i just met wanted to screw me.. i felt used and i didn't like it one bit, and i told him so..

[ReineD]

Oh, I misunderstood. I apologize for the grinning smilie.

[Leeiah]

Wow there are alot of posts if I was the OP, I would personally consider a tad bit hurtful to say the least! >_< but this lets me know never to ask this very same question. Its rather interesting that some people think being CD is all about playing games though, far from it truthfully but that is another debate all together. As far as the OP goes, I wouldn't go so far into it personally, you could try to compliment her etc but don't have a motive for being friends with her just because she is a certain way. I think thats sort of wrong actually, but I do understand your feelings if it feels like you don't have anyone to relate where you live at to on the other hand, but I just dont believe you are going at it the right way, just doesn't feel right to me in this situation.. I just wish some people on this forum would acknowledge the op's feelings and atleast try to understand where she is coming from,instead of these posts she has been getting.~Leeiah

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i don't believe cd'ers are just playing games..
i do believe that any person that thinks its ok to walk up to a ts woman and say "hi i'm a crossdresser...wink wink" is totally and completely misunderstanding ts people....and highlighting the difference

just like my friend did even after knowing each other for many years!
that was my point in bringing it up...years!! of talking and support, and HE still doesn't get it...
i wonder how long in our friendship i was just a sexual target..

and reine no worries ...i did leave it hanging and your note had that "do tell" air about it, and juicy is juicy for better and for worse.

[DebbieL]

I've had similar experiences a number of times. One day, I came in wearing women's pants, earrings in both my pierced ears, and plucked eyebrows. I went to the register where a girl I knew was transitioning was doing the register. She looked at me, I gave her a little coy grin, and she said "Sister, you might want to try some masquera and eye shadow". I smiled and told her I was so jealous of how beautiful she looked, and wished I could be as beautiful as she was. She was happy to have the compliment as a woman, not as a man trying to "pass" as a woman.

The great thing is that her comment did get me to the point where I was willing to try to go full fem more often, and I've been surprised how many times I can pass. Ironically, it's only when I dress "too pretty" that I get noticed - and clocked. Even then, I end up getting lots of compliments, which is wonderful in it's own right.

Complimenting a beautiful woman and telling her you wish could could be as beautiful as she is is the ultimate compliment when a woman receives it from a woman, but if you're in full butch mode when you make that compliment, they can only imagine the worst.

[Hope]

There are VERY few questions in life that should never, EVER, EVER be asked. "Are you a tranny?" is one of them. No matter how you soften it, no matter how you ask, it is NEVER OK. The reason why is the implication behind it. There is NO way to interpret the question that won't ruin the day of the person being asked. If I am a tranny, the last thing I want, if for you to know, and you just told me you read me. If I am NOT a tranny, the last thing I want you to think I look like, is a tranny, and you just said that I do.

There is no way to win this game.

Which is too bad, because it keeps us isolated from one another.

So here is what you do: You can't ask her. You can't out her. You really can't even appropriately out yourself (If she is not trans she will simply be thinking "Why the hell is this guy telling me this?") at her work place. And you definitely can't do it w/o being creepy. So do this, get a piece of jewelry or something with the "trans flag" printed on it. Wear it prominently when you go to the hardware store, not absurdly prominently, but obviously enough that she will notice it. When / IF she mentions it "I like your lapel pin..." You say something obtuse like "Me too, it is supposed to represent the coexistence of competing natures living in harmony in the same vessel, or something like that." Then you say "I really love the way you do your hair / nails / earrings (whatever) I doubt I could get away with it myself, but I love the way you do it!" After she thanks you, you ask "I would love to buy you lunch so we could talk some more if you are interested? Completely plutonic, just lunch, my treat?" If she says "Yes" you go, you have a good conversation, you make a new friend. Or maybe things don't work out at all, but either way you give it your shot. If she says "no" you forget about it and more on with your life.

In regard to the folks saying that trans women have nothing in common with CDs... I have to ask one question: "What is the difference between a cross-dresser and a transexual?" Every one say it with me - "Six Months."

[Aprilrain]

If a guy approached me at my work I would assume he was trying to pick me up. If he told me he was a CDer I would assume he'd want me to do creepy things to him in the bedroom while he was badly dressed as a woman. Now both of these assumptions could be totally wrong but a girl can never be too cautious especially when it comes to men!
What I would say to this guy is "sorry I already have a boyfriend". When he protested that he just wanted to be friends that's when I would know for sure he just wanted to sleep with me.
You're thinking "oh we can be friends cause were both trans". She's thinking "creepy predator guy".
Good luck!

[Kelsy]

In regard to the folks saying that trans women have nothing in common with CDs... I have to ask one question: "What is the difference between a cross-dresser and a transexual?" Every one say it with me - "Six Months."

Quaint saying - not true! offensive actually!!

[ReineD]

If a guy approached me at my work I would assume he was trying to pick me up. If he told me he was a CDer I would assume he'd want me to do creepy things to him in the bedroom while he was badly dressed as a woman. Now both of these assumptions could be totally wrong but a girl can never be too cautious especially when it comes to men!
What I would say to this guy is "sorry I already have a boyfriend". When he protested that he just wanted to be friends that's when I would know for sure he just wanted to sleep with me.
You're thinking "oh we can be friends cause were both trans". She's thinking "creepy predator guy".
Good luck!

Some people just want to make friends, especially if they know no others who express a different gender than birth. I hope you wouldn't think too ill of such a person.

This would be like the Prom Queen/Cheerleader girl in high school who is so stuck on herself that she imagines every guy who speaks to her is coming on to her. My son is 17 and he was telling me a story about a pretty girl he had befriended at school. She mentioned where she was living and one day my son had to go to her area on an errand. He offered her a ride (just out of being nice ... he had his own girlfriend), and she got all uppity on him and said that her boyfriend would not appreciate it. My son walked away from the conversation shaking his head, thinking this girl was way too full of herself.

[Frances]

To reiterate my response to the OP: it's not appropriate, but it's not a major offense to me. I don't go around telling people I have read them, and believe me, I see trans/gender variant people all over the place. Most urban centers have groups for crossdressers and trans folks. The hardware store employee may even go to such meetings. You could meet her there.

@ReineD: Sexual attraction to more advanced transitioners is very real however. I don't know why that is, but it is very common. People come on to me quite overtly after meetings, or on Facebook. I get hit on more by TS people who know I am trans than "civilians" who don't. It may stem from a desire "acquire" the other person's feminity by getting as close as possible (most often sexual intimacy). I don't find it out of the ordinary and am not really offended by it.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The reason I was upset in my situation was how our friendship had developed as girlfriends... As my life changed, the fact that my friend was cross dressing only didn't bother me at all...but what did bother me was realizing that the friendship was at least partially based on his attraction...

I realize guys befriend women all the time in the hopes of dating at some point, and guy fall for friends that are women....but they don't present themselves as women for five years to do it!!!!

[Zenith]

...I realize guys befriend women all the time in the hopes of dating at some point, and guy fall for friends that are women....but they don't present themselves as women for five years to do it!!!!

What? Are you saying they crossdressed for five years just to hit on you? :confused:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lol....I'm not saying it was all a big plan... It was the idea that over a long friendship, we had a really nice bond that I viewed as girlfriends.... all of a sudden I find out he wants to date me, as a guy..it just felt so wrong and it felt like our friendship of many years was false...


Plus, over the last year he was talking to me about transition, and was very interested in sexual aspects and his interest in transitioning...it feels to me like that whole part was just a sex fantasy....It creeps me out that I talked about this stuff with him..

[Frances]

Plus, over the last year he was talking to me about transition, and was very interested in sexual aspects and his interest in transitioning...it feels to me like that whole part was just a sex fantasy....It creeps me out that I talked about this stuff with him..

Sounds like a few members of this forum!

[Traci Elizabeth]

It has been said over and over again but I too will say it is NOT appropriate to approach anyone questioning their gender be it work, shopping, at a bar or restaurant...anywhere.

If anyone one asked me that question, my immediate response would be to stare the person directly in the eyes and say "Excuse Me! Your question is very offensive."

[Aprilrain]

I have had a CDer from the local support group email me with a proposition for sex. Why he thought I would pay him for sex is beyond me, girls don't pay to have sex, guys do! To me this illustrates that most Cisgendered people are incapable of accepting our true gender. This dude really thought of me as a guy which is why he thought i would pay him for a BJ. Another question I get ALL THE TIME is "so? is your boyfriend gay (or bi)??" when you ask me this question you're telling me that you don't really see me as a woman, but I digress.

Reine, perhaps you haven't had to deal with men hitting on you, IDK, however for those of us who have it's easier to blow them off immediately. Like I said a few may have innocent enough motives but lets face it most do not and there is no way to tell them apart besides who wants to deal with that sort of thing at work?? Your son is younger I take it (HS age?) that girl taught him a valuable lessen that all young men need to learn, I was never treated any differently by girls when I was that age.
Men who known or think they know a woman is trans are far more aggressive toward her than they would be toward a GG. Again I think its because they think of us as guy's or think we have a guy's sex drive and there for we will want to have sex with them just because. Also in my experience a lot of tranny chasers really do think of us as a lower form of life something to be used and then discarded.

[Zenith]

Ummmm...April have you seen pictures of Reine? I seriously doubt she hasn't had to deal with men hitting. But yeah there is a certain amount of "doing you a favor" in the tone of guys who know one is TS. All the better reason to blend as well as possible.

[Frances]

Men who know or think they know a woman is trans are far more aggressive towards her than they would be toward a GG. Again I think its because they think of us as guy's or think we have a guy's sex drive and there for we will want to have sex with them just because. Also in my experience a lot of tranny chasers really do think of us as a lower form of life something to be used and then discarded.

In my experience, they think we have an even higher sex drive. Why else would we feminize ourselves? I don't agree with the lower form of life comment, but one guy once came over to my appartment and left with this disappointed look on his face and said: "it's like you are a real person or something." He had been chasing me for a while; I never heard from him again.

[ReineD]

@ReineD: Sexual attraction to more advanced transitioners is very real however. I don't know why that is, but it is very common. People come on to me quite overtly after meetings, or on Facebook. I get hit on more by TS people who know I am trans than "civilians" who don't. It may stem from a desire "acquire" the other person's feminity by getting as close as possible (most often sexual intimacy). I don't find it out of the ordinary and am not really offended by it.

I do see your point, and it is true that I can't compare the many predators who are after TSs to high school teenagers. But, I suppose that in most cases (other than Kaitlin's friend who turned on her after some years), you can tell which will be the creeps and which will be harmless?

I dunno. I have a pretty good radar when it comes to sensing other people's motives. I am cautious, but I tend to trust that initially, people's intentions are good (depending on context). But, if I get the smallest red flag it sends up all kinds of signals and I just don't follow through with these people. The context: if I'm in a bar or nightclub I'll be much more weary than if I'm in a coffee shop just engaging in a conversation with the person at the next table over.

Also, there are people who are just plain nice. They don't have an ounce of creep factor. My SO is such a person (you can honestly sense it a mile away) and if she ever went up to someone to introduce herself, the other person would just know that she is OK. :)

Still, getting back to the OP ... I agree that you should not approach her just on the basis that you are both birth males. Just ignore the fact that you think she is TS, and treat her like the woman she is. If the two of you become friends after a while, you will naturally start to talk about your backgrounds and this will be a better time to tell her about yourself, and see if she reciprocates. :)

[SandraAbsent]

Well I must have lost my post into cyberspace, but its still relevant to the discussion so I will try to recall what I had written. There have been several threads lately discussing the differences of CDers, Transgender, Transsexuals and so on. I have even responded to a few because I think its so important that the differences be defined, and I also think its important that CDers armed with that understanding take into consideration how important their actions are. Consider that everything they do in there interactions with others public or private has an effect on the public perception that those of us living full time and transitioning are trying to fight. Its the "social responsibility" that is all to often lacking in this community. With that being said, the only time anyone has ever had the nerve to out me, it has been within my own community, and its happened on several occasions. I've been outed at the mall, outed at the bar, and for crying out loud outed at the grocery store. All by others within the "community." All I can say is this....REALLY??? Listen I understand the feeling of being alone in this issue regardless of whether you are a cross-dresser, inter-sex, or transsexual. It sucks!!! My solution was to get online and ssearch for other people like me and BAM I built a support network in real life. You can do the same! I never would have even considered approaching another girl on the street. Think about it, even as a crossdresser you wouldn't want someone outing you while you were in public would you?

For those of us that are in transition and living it every day, this no where near the "Girls Night Out" that some have as crossdressers, and even I had when I was first coming out and it was the only place I felt safe. This is hard work, getting misgendered or missed named day in and day out, getting outed and kicked out of a train station while trying to come home like a friend of mine had happen, not being allowed bathroom access, changing room access, and constantly wondering when the "big one" is going to happen. So please if I am at the mall I am shopping for necessity not vanity so please don't out me. If I am at the bar chances are I am there with friends I have made in everyday life or I just want to get a drink after a bad day at work with my friendly girlfriend bartender who makes me feel safe and never outs me so please don't you out me. If I am at the grocery store its because I need food, its not an adventurous outing that I will post on the internet later so please don't out me. This doesnt only apply to crossdressers, but even other transitioning women. I work very hard to develop and protect my identity, so if somehow and someway there was a way for us to chat through private channels I would be more then happy to give you tips, support, or whatever, but there is a place and time for it.

[Traci Elizabeth]

OK! I am probably going to catch hell for this but it is the way I have chosen to live my life. I have totally separated myself from anyone who ever knew me as a man (excluding my wife and adult daughter) to include moving to a new city on the other side of the country to start my new life as a "female only."

All of my friends here only know me as a woman. And I have been truly blessed to have had very little testosterone all my life and as a result have always had a very feminine looking body with no body hair, small thin lean frame, average height and weight for a woman, small feet, long fingers, no visible Adam's apple, a full head of hair with no receding hairlines, and a natural voice that was feminine sounding as well. I do not need Electrolysis, FFS, or BA. And being on HRT for over two years, my breasts have grown from a 36 ZERO to a 36C and are very firm and perky. So, my point is that I do not look "trans," (whatever that is - I guess someone who still looks somewhat like a male? I don't know) I look like an attractive female.

But it is precisely because of looking so feminine that I suffered many many years of verbal, physical, and sexual abuse.

Now, I totally disassociate myself from anyone locally who is "a cross-dresser, transgendered, or a transsexual. I don't have any such friends or acquaintances and don't want any. Why? Simple, I have suffered so much and have worked so hard to get to where I am today that I don't want someone like the OP trying to bring up old wounds and buried memories especially in a public environment.

I hope that the OP realizes that she/he can cause far more harm than she/he could imagine being so insensitive. Inquisitiveness, curiosity, and being naive when it comes to asking personal questions of casual friends not alone a fellow employees or a strangers is inexcusable.

OK, I will get off my soap box. You are now free to throw your arrows.

[Stephenie S]

No arrows here, dear. You said it clear and precise. Well done.

S

["Mary"]

And you KNOW she's TS how? Is it on her name tag? She told you? I'm sorry if this sounds offensive but so what if you're a crossdresser....she's NOT. IF she's TS, for her it's her life and not a game she plays when she feels like it. The last thing she wants to deal with, especially at work, is someone "calling her out".
Just treat her like the woman she is and nothing more

I SOOO agree here. I'm a "hobbyist"., happy top be a guy 80% of the time. Folks that turn thier lives upside down to make them right, are so far beyond my occasional outings. This is here life.

On the other hand, if you ever become friends with her, you might share that you have glimpse into the matter, yearning to present as a woman.

But what do I know.

[Badtranny]

OK! I am probably going to catch hell for this but

I'm trying to work up enough offense to give you some hell, but I'm afraid I just can't. ;-)

The best thing we can do for the "struggle" is what's best for ourselves. Some people are very comfortable and thus very effective being an advocate of some sort, while some people are not. You (and others) have blazed a trail that I am now walking, and you've given some excellent commentary on this forum. I find no fault with you or anyone else for that matter choosing to live in stealth. I would absolutely do it myself if I were able.

If the Hardware store clerk had made the same decision as you did, I'm sure she would be devastated by the proposed encounter no matter how well meaning.

I also want to add that the OP shouldn't take ANY of these comments personally. We know her intentions are not sinister, this is just kind of a sensitive topic.

[Felicity71]

Devils Advocate --

Go into the shop - wear your prettiest dress, and announce to her in your deepest voice, Im a CROSS-DRESSER!!, make sure you have other customers there. See if you get a response. You never know she may find that really sweet. lol. Be bold, be adventurous, be spontaneous.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Devils Advocate --

Go into the shop - wear your prettiest dress, and announce to her in your deepest voice, Im a CROSS-DRESSER!!, make sure you have other customers there. See if you get a response. You never know she may find that really sweet. lol. Be bold, be adventurous, be spontaneous.

You left out be a jerk.

[Tricia Lee]

Guess it doesn't really pay to consider being welcoming or encouraging to another human being. Funny how those who claim to want tolerance are the least tolerant of all. I've never posted to this forum before - never even *looked* at it before. So I came here asking for advice.

Here is what I can tell you. Any empathy I had for the plight of the TS community is pretty much shot. I do not say this in reference to individuals. I say it in the sense that politically and culturally I have little in common with the LGBT movement except that I happen to be a crossdresser. I thought that might make me some small part of it, but now I'm pretty certain it doesn't.

Good luck finding acceptance from anyone with some of the attitudes on display here.

[Felicity71]

Guess it doesn't really pay to consider being welcoming or encouraging to another human being. Funny how those who claim to want tolerance are the least tolerant of all. I've never posted to this forum before - never even *looked* at it before. So I came here asking for advice.

Here is what I can tell you. Any empathy I had for the plight of the TS community is pretty much shot. I do not say this in reference to individuals. I say it in the sense that politically and culturally I have little in common with the LGBT movement except that I happen to be a crossdresser. I thought that might make me some small part of it, but now I'm pretty certain it doesn't.

Good luck finding acceptance from anyone with some of the attitudes on display here.

Go to a transgender support group if you would like to ask questions to a TS that may be a member.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

That's the spirit!

Part of being accepting and being tolerant of other groups is to understand the needs of that group and accept the desires of those groups. The clear desire as shown here is that no ts wants to be approached and called ts...you would have ruined her day

An essential part of our experience is to be accepted as women, and to out a transsexual even with a wink is flat out hurtful. Apologies if some of the responses were overly harsh.

But you have the whole thing backwards
If you have a personal problem with the way someone responded , that's one thing,

To color the whole wall black just shows your own deep rooted bigotry..(and that is word i do not throw around lightly..i believe its the first time used it here)..

[Melody Moore]

Tricia, it is such a shame that you can only see your own point of view instead of
seeing the points of view of the people you are seeking advice and support from.

You need to realise that there is a certain etiquette & respect amongst transsexuals that we don't seem to have any
trouble understanding and accepting but obviously this is a problem to you. Transsexuals are not closed off completely
to talking to you, but there is a right and a wrong way to go about it. Many transsexuals live their public lives in stealth
and just as ordinary women blending into society because that is who we are and how we want to be accepted. We
are not a support therapist and we don't advertise the fact we are transsexual. However we do come on this forum
& participate in safer & more secure environments to talk to people like you. I run a support group & my members have
no issues with respecting each other and having some etiquette, so why shouldn't you?

If we were that bigger pile of b!tches, why are we even replying to you?

[JulieK1980]

Guess it doesn't really pay to consider being welcoming or encouraging to another human being. Funny how those who claim to want tolerance are the least tolerant of all. I've never posted to this forum before - never even *looked* at it before. So I came here asking for advice.

Let's change the perspective here a bit. If you saw a woman walking down the street, and you *knew* shew was pregnant because she was a little heavy around the waist, would you then proceed to congratulate her on her pregnancy? What would happen if she was just heavy? She'd be insulted. Sort of the same thing, calling her out on it "politely" is essentially telling this woman, (and if she is trans she IS a woman) that she looks like a man. How would you like that if the role was reversed?

Or another way of looking at it, would you ask a stranger about their sex life? Just because you have a sex life as well, and feel that you have that in common, doesn't mean its appropriate to comment on it.

The one thing you should learn from this thread is that a persons status as trans is something personal and private, and it isn't appropriate to approach someone about it without them being a close friend. I don't at all see this lack of tolerance in this thread, I see people legitimately warning you that what you were asking would be inappropriate.

[faltenrock]

A simple 'no' with some explanation would have been sufficient. Sheesh.

In response to some of the questions/comments...

I go out in public dressed. If someone came up and talked to me about being a CD I would be totally fine with it. Thrilled, in fact, assuming it wasn't a come-on. I'm not interested in physical intimacy with anyone but my wife.

As far as 'how I know'? There is no question in my mind. I could go into the details of describing why, but I won't. Suffice to say, she looks just fine and is dressed appropriately. I assume TS and not full-time CD because of apparent FFS.

I might just show up in a dress sometime and see how it goes :)

Sounds like a reasonable plan. Never make the mistake to to think all people react the same way as you would. I don't have any problem if someone comes up to me asking "are you a guy/TV". On the other hand, I would not ask a woman whether she is TS even if I'm convinced she is. It's not my business. I would eventually just talk to her if circumstances allow.

[Katesback]

I just want to say I am sorry you feel bad...., but I dont want your empathy. Just like I am not going to fight for the rights of crossdressers. I live my life as I want and have virtually no contact with the trans community anymore. I just would rather have a more peacful life amongst the normal people. The horror you cannot even understand is what it would feel like if you did what your original post says to me in my normal life. I suppose you cannot know what it would feel like because.......well your a crossdresser and that is a fantasy sort of activity.



Guess it doesn't really pay to consider being welcoming or encouraging to another human being. Funny how those who claim to want tolerance are the least tolerant of all. I've never posted to this forum before - never even *looked* at it before. So I came here asking for advice.

Here is what I can tell you. Any empathy I had for the plight of the TS community is pretty much shot. I do not say this in reference to individuals. I say it in the sense that politically and culturally I have little in common with the LGBT movement except that I happen to be a crossdresser. I thought that might make me some small part of it, but now I'm pretty certain it doesn't.

Good luck finding acceptance from anyone with some of the attitudes on display here.

[Badtranny]

Good luck finding acceptance from anyone with some of the attitudes on display here.

Tricia, I think this last comment really illustrates the gulf between CD and TS. I am indeed "finding" acceptance in many places where I didn't expect it, but it doesn't really matter because it won't make a difference my tomorrow. A CD can pick where they go dressed and they can avoid places where they feel uncomfortable. A TS is kinda stuck with how they look everywhere.

I don't try to look butch or fem, but with my long ponytail and earrings and tinted eyelashes, I definitely look a little, well, ...like I have sugar in my tank. This is how I look everyday. This is my life. At what point in our relationship would it be appropriate to ask about my lifestyle, or gender, or sexuality?

There is a place and a time for everything, but please leave this girl alone at work. I'll betcha a dollar that if you go in to that store cross-dressed, she would take her lunch and be off the floor until you leave. Being a TS man or woman honestly kinda sucks most of the time. (at my stage of transition)

Feeling like you have to be polite while a customer corners you about your "sisterhood" just makes the day suck a little bit more.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi sugar.

falten you would get along with one of my friends...she crossdresses and loves to shop the shoes and take pics...she's fearless and asks the SA's to take the pics..

[Frances]

Here is what I can tell you. Any empathy I had for the plight of the TS community is pretty much shot. I do not say this in reference to individuals. I say it in the sense that politically and culturally I have little in common with the LGBT movement except that I happen to be a crossdresser. I thought that might make me some small part of it, but now I'm pretty certain it doesn't.

Good luck finding acceptance from anyone with some of the attitudes on display here.

There is no community. There are individuals living extremely difficult INTERNAL situations who go through an extremely difficult process to feel right within THEMSELVES in order to integrate society as a whole, not join a marginal section of it. I am a trans woman, and I have little in common with the LGB movement. Like I said, find a group where people are there to talk about it.

Acceptance from whom? I had surgery and changed all my papers including my diplomas, and live as normal woman whose past never comes up. Who's not accepting me?

[Melody Moore]

Tricia, I take a fairly staunch approach to this because we do have a right to our privacy and not
to be outed by some curious crossdresser. I make no bones of the fact that my post was meant to
make you think twice & put some fear into you because if you disrespect the wrong trans woman
in the wrong place at the wrong time, then this is the type of bad reaction you can expect to happen.

There is no way for me to sugar coat this nicely for you because what you are considering doing could
have serious ramifications for the person you approach. For all you know she might be completely stealth
at work? but then you go up chatting to her bringing unwanted attention to her and possibly outing her
to her work associates. If she loses her job because you outed her then what would you have to say &
how would you feel?

I had a friend who thought it was OK to tell all his friends about me, especially if I was going to meet
them and then he started getting some flack about his relationship with me. Well I told him not to say
anything and it was most uncomfortable when I did meet his friends when he was doing this because
these people would be staring at me, studying & scrutinising me and that is not a nice place to be in.
Eventually I got it into his head not to say anything and it made a huge world of difference to how
people received both of us, because the greatest majority of people don't have a clue with me unless
I tell them. I don't go to all this trouble with cosmetic & vocal feminisation to be singled out as being
trans, I do it because I want to just blend in and be accepted like any other female without the crap.

Walk a mile in our shoes before you ever try to condemn us for defending our rights.

[Tamara Croft]

Some people on this board really need to stand back, take a look in the mirror and see what complete and utter nasty people you really are. You come here all high and mighty, trash a CD'er, almost make out she's a pervert and rip her a new one to hell and back. Way to go being supportive when that's what you're fighting for. She asked a simple question, a simple... 'hey no don't do that'... would have done, but no, most of you jumped on your soap box and acted like you know it all... well here's news for you, you really don't and some of you need to remember this is a SUPPORT forum for ALL members whether you like it or not, if you don't like a question, don't answer it, if you do feel the need to answer it, then be bloody polite about it, cus next time I see a thread derail like this, some of you will get your asses kicked off this board!!

Thread closed and don't PM me arguing about it :Angry3: