I don't know what I am anymore

[JoyceJ]

I lost that loving feeling toward crossdressing :(

(caution: i kinda spill my guts here)

Maybe it's just my hormones, but lately I'm feeling very down and apathetic about dressing up. It used to rock my world when I slid on a pair of nylons or sooth me just to feel the brush of a wig on my shoulders, but it's not doing anything for me now. In fact, I've even thought about how strange of a hobby it is. I really really hate that I thought that. The last couple days that I cleared my schedule to specifically dress didn't go very well left me empty.


In the past, there are times when I feel very strongly about my dressing. Sometimes I've even fantasised about SRS and just becoming a full time girl (of course societal pressures would probably scare me away). But I haven't felt this way in a few months. Even when I 100% repressed my dressing, I never felt as awful inside as I do now.


Has anyone else felt like this? Is it my hormones going up and down? Am I maybe not the CDer I thought I was since I was a little kid? I'm just confused :(
Maybe I'm just placing too high of a priority on CDing to fix other things that are wrong with my life, but I just feel weird and not good.

[josee]

Could be a lot of things. Seasonal depression or some other kind of temporary funk. I would wait a little while and it WILL come back. Don't purge just yet. But if you do you can send everything to me:)

Seriously, everyone goes through a funk now and then where they don't feel like dressing. Then everyone comes back to crossdressing again too.

[JavaJunkie]

I agree with Josee....all of us to include me have gone through that "what in the world am I doing?" slump. Trust me though, if you've been doing this since a young age then it WILL come back. Sometimes stress or just dealing with whats going on in our life can block out everything else.

So if you're going to take your break then instead of wasting all your money by purging just box everything up and keep it for a rainy day when you're in a better state of mind.

[Michelle 51]

Hi Joyce
I think we all go through dry spells.I still have them but it always come back.Just make sure its not a depression you may be slipping into.Please err on the side of caution and get professional help if these feelings persist.There is no shame in that.We live very complex lives sometimes.hugs...Michelle

[Jennifer B]

Ditto. I know exactly how you feel. I've been there a number of times, to varying degrees, up to complete self revulsion. I know it's very difficult to do and easy for me to say, but try to relax forget about it, make a cup of tea, read a book or whatever aids you. Just don't purge.

It may take a week or months even, but it will come back, even if you are convinced it won't. Lock away the bra and heels out of sight until it does, so you are not tempted to bin it all.

[Alice Torn]

Jennifer,has good post. Right now, i am also feeling like putting Louise in the bag for a while, as my father is in his last months, mother, also, and both my older twin brothers go on trial for felonies, next week, and the trial is expected to last a few months. a bit depressed more than my normal depression. Put the lady clothes in a box or bag, and later its there if you feel like dressing again.

[Cynthia Anne]

I would like to say all the repliers are full of beans, BUT guess what! They are right on the money! Put 'her' away for awhile! That's ao-k! She'll be back! And she'll be stronger then ever! Just wait and see! Hugs!

[KellyJameson]

Crossdressing is more than just the clothes, it is more than the sexual thrill, it is part of a greater adventure into and of self discovery. Life must be made up of many things, for to only express life by walking one narrow path will lead to addiction and addiction always leads to pain because it is contrary to what the mind really craves which is a variety of experiences that offer opportunities to learn and develop ones own unique potential and life expression. The mind must be filled like the stomach with a variety of foods (experiences) to give good mental health otherwise everything becomes tedious and boring which is the minds way of communicating that it is empty and being unloved. Inner Pain of the mind is good because it motivates us to grow and we make a serious mistake when we ignore it or medicate it because it always comes back until the underlying needs are met. Addiction is about not understanding pain (our minds) and so trying to escape it.(ourselves)

It is possible your mind is telling you that you are using the crossdressing for the wrong reasons so in turn it stopped being pleasurable. Crossdressing is not a crutch it is an expression of your deeper sensitivity, your connectedness to the greater universe. The greater a persons sensitivity the greater the potential for suffering because we than are more sensitive to pain and pleasure both of body and mind but particularly of the mind. Cultivate your whole life, pay attention to what your mind is deeply interested in when these interests are not a reaction to pain ( boredom, loneliness,anxiety, ect...) Remember that bodily pleasures are not enough to feed the deeper needs of the mind just as we cannot live on sugar alone and you will need to learn how to give meaning to your life beyond the pleasures of the senses and the crossdressing will be what it will be.

I realize these are strong opinions and they are just that, opinions. Each person must find there own way but I hope my words help . You have nothing to fear from your loss of interest in crossdressing because your crossdressing is not who you are but an aspect of your deeper self. When the desire disappears you do not, it is just that other aspects of you want to be discovered.

[Piora]

Crossdressing is a state of mind. The clothes are the 'window-dressing' as it were, but the MIND is where it all happens. If the spirit doesn't move you to dress, then don't force it. If you're having to do that, then you've lost it - at least temporarily. I lost my desire once - for 6 years. But boy....when it came back....it came back like a bomb. Something else in your life is causing this lack of desire for CDing. Could be anything at all. But, the WOW factor will come back for you, so DON'T purge. Just take a break, and get back into it when it happens again.

[Barbara Ella]

If the mind ain't right, you must not fight. (to paraphrase....)The posts here are hitting the nail on the head. Don't let past experience be a measure against present day experience. They are not the same. You are a different person today, and what you feel today is the only feeling that matters. If you are not feeling it, don't force it. If you force it, without the feedback you want, you will begin to hate something you do not want to hate, and know you cannot hate, and this could build up internal conflicts which you may feel the need to act out on. Not good. (psycho babble babble babble, I know). Best thing to do is just put Joyce back in the closet, close the door, and when the dreams come back, Joyce will be there waiting for you, and you will welcome her back.

Do what you enjoy, and dont do the rest.

Babes

[Janelle_C]

:)Joyce hang in there I was where you were once and was feeling this is stuped, way am I doing this, it makes no sence. So I stopped and I made the BIG mistake of getting rid of al my stuff. It was just a matter of time before I started to dress again and I had to get new stuff. I think part of the reason I stopped was I was feeling a little guilty about dressing in woman's clothes and I was trying to figure out why I was doing it. Now all I know is it makes me feel like me and I have nothing to feel guilty about. I just wished I did'nt wast the last 30 years trying so hard to figure out what's wrong with me when the answer is NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME you just have to love yourslef.
I hope you figure it out Love Shy

[docrobbysherry]

Nice post, Piora! Good advice!

Joyce, maybe you're ready to move on? Maybe something else is going to blow your hair back the way dressing did! Just be open to whatever it may be! I keep expecting that to happen to ME! Any century now, I'm CERTAIN it will happen!

[Annaliese2010]

You need a CD'n friend is all. Or...er...a real enfemme...to priss n prance, kiss n dance... Well? TELL me it aint true, boo. I know 'cause I am You. Lovely/lonely what I do. Send the pain below...where you need it most. Soon it shows..it grows n grows. When pain's your Friend you won't give in. Seeking more n More mmyea. What it is...

Just what...it IS. No big deal. U live u die b4 ur time. Nothn matters...really don't. Less u got kids...then oh whoa! If so...there ya go! There's ur answer...get off this boat. Like.....who tha fc needs such woe? Ya know? I don't but so alone so...wtf why not. uh HUH!

[Nichola]

Maybe you planning it takes the fun out of it, try just not dressing for a while & see if the urge returns.:)

[drag n fly]

Jennifer,has good post. Right now, i am also feeling like putting Louise in the bag for a while, as my father is in his last months, mother, also, and both my older twin brothers go on trial for felonies, next week, and the trial is expected to last a few months. a bit depressed more than my normal depression. Put the lady clothes in a box or bag, and later its there if you feel like dressing again.
Holy cow Louise...You've got a whole load on your plate...I'm so sorry for your woes...Keep talking to us...and, if necessary, seek professional help...smooches hon Jackie

[kimdl93]

First, you don't have an obligation to dress. And as many of us can attest, the desire to dress can wax and wane over weeks, months or even years. My larger question is, are you feeling depressed about other aspects of life...or life in general?

CDing isn't a "fix", but it may be one coping mechanism. The trouble with coping mechanisms is they may not address the underlying cause, which as we are learning may be related to a lot of factors from diet to faulty thinking habits. Here's a blurb from NPR's Science Friday: " In his book Spontaneous Happiness, Dr. Andrew Weil writes of an 'integrative' approach to mental health, warding off mild and moderate depression with an anti-inflammatory diet, exercise and activities such as yoga and meditation, rather than antidepressants."

[Tina B.]

I lost that loving feeling toward crossdressing :( The last couple days that I cleared my schedule to specifically dress didn't go very well left me empty.


Has anyone else felt like this? Is it my hormones going up and down? Am I maybe not the CDer I thought I was since I was a little kid? I'm just confused :(
Maybe I'm just placing too high of a priority on CDing to fix other things that are wrong with my life, but I just feel weird and not good.

First, crossdressing is not mandatory! If it feels good do it, if not, don't. You've done it since childhood, you are the CD'er you think you are. But there is nothing in life that will solve all other problems, and cross dressing sure doesn't. I find it hard to dress when the outside world presses to hard, but that leads to depression, because I want to, if the want is not there, and Icompulsionultion, then it feels wrong, and there is nothing to do but wait until the mind kicks in and says you just got to do this. Until that happens, and sooner or later it will happen, it always does, just busy yourself finding solutions to those problems that are stopping you from enjoying yourself, and hold on to your stuff, you will need it again later.
Tina B.

[Marie-Elise]

Not to be glib but, why worry about it?

I lost the urge to follow the latest music (even the bands I loved) at the age of 35. Once in a while I play them and enjoy them immensely. Then the urge goes away for maybe a week; maybe a month; maybe a year. If it comes back, I'll listen. If not, I'm not especially worried about it.

Just my way of saying "wu wei"; action without action. Go with the flow and worry about things you can control.

[Karren H]

Not to be glib but, why worry about it?


Well there might be! Though rare, changes to moods may be hormonal in nature and may be caused by something medical.. Things don't change for no reason. That season could be harmless or not. 18 years ago my crossdressing desire just faded away. Didn't even take note but 8 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the resulting successful treatment brought my crossdressing back with a vengeance! The hormones secreted by my slow growing Prolactinoma completely killed my desire but once things were brought back into balance... Boom!! So don't just dismiss this as "ohh everyone has that". I wouldn't... Again... Just sayin...

[Marie-Elise]

Well there might be! Though rare, changes to moods may be hormonal in nature and may be caused by something medical.. Things don't change for no reason. That season could be harmless or not. 18 years ago my crossdressing desire just faded away. Didn't even take note but 8 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and the resulting successful treatment brought my crossdressing back with a vengeance! The hormones secreted by my slow growing Prolactinoma completely killed my desire but once things were brought back into balance... Boom!! So don't just dismiss this as "ohh everyone has that". I wouldn't... Again... Just sayin...

Glad you're doing well.

[suzy1]

Some very good advice here Joyce.

You mention other things wrong in your life.
That could be an indicator of your mental state at the moment. If there is one thing that will turn you off C.D.ing [And a lot of other things you do for pleasure] its depression.
I am talking from bitter experience here!

Although it’s been mentioned by some that the desire to crossdress comes and goes, for most of us it’s a part of our life every day.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, hang in there, better times ahead.

SUZY

[Kaz]

Karren raised a great point... but assuming you are 'all at one'... yes I have in the past stopped, on many occasions. We can do that... it is a choice we have. What most people here will say is that the urge will come back... and when it does, it is stronger!

[Kristy_K]

The last time that I was really depress and lost five days of work because of it. Plus I was already on meds for depression And dressing at home didn't help and I didn't go out in the public either at that time. I ended up transition a few weeks after that and haven't been depress since nor am I on any meds for depression..