A Moment of Self-Loathing

[LeaP]

Just a blip in the middle of the day. I was at work and heading out of the building for lunch. I was wearing a jacket and tie. I can't avoid the latter but rarely wear the jacket because I just hate the male uniform. But it was cold.

The doors on the elevator closed, I saw myself in the polished metal and ...

"You F***ING TRANNY, you're ridiculous" ...

just popped out of me. It took me by surprise with its emotional heat, despite having an absolutely normal day to that point. I wasn't even THINKING of anything trans-related at the time. I detest the word "tranny."

I'm fine, I'm not looking for solace or anything. If anything, perhaps I should apologize for even relating this, as some might find the implications offensive.

I don't find CDers - or any trans people - ridiculous. Far from it Except for me it seems, at least occasionally still. It's always triggered by the male image, though. I dress and I might not be entirely happy with the effect, but that's sort of a normal unhappy. The eruption of pure self-hate came out of nowhere, then went away almost as quickly as it came. Then I walked into Barnes and Noble and flipped through a copy of "The Lives of Transgendered People". (sigh)

It's as if the work of a year in study and self-examination can be undone in a second. I KNOW I'm normal. Sometimes I don't FEEL like I'm normal.

What triggers you?

Lea

[Lorileah]

Boredom and self-pity. Hey I know you don't want solace but you have to vent sometimes. You just added a new experience to your life. We all do. You will rebuild, stronger faster and better, we have the technology.

[Veronica Lodge]

Interesting post. I know you're not alone.

I think it's just being critical of your femme side while using clumsy male sensibilities. It can make for ugly comments and a short downward spiral. The two sides clash and the feminine side takes the brunt of the self-loathing.

I guess the same could be said if one looks at their drab reflection and detests the awkwardness of the male body. I curse my bodyhair & male mannerisms everyday. But somehow being critical that way seems ok.

[Acastina]

I think it's when we see our male selves dressed up the way others want us to look, rather than what we feel inside, that a kind of revulsion can sweep through. That reflection is proof, in our faces, that we're male and look the part to some extent. For me, there's always a sadness, a big sigh. No matter how often or well we work at perfecting what we would love to show the world without fear, there is always the reality of male bones and voices and receding hairlines and, most deadening of all, that pervasive expectation that we carry around the male mask for the benefit of total strangers and loved ones who could probably try harder to accept and understand us if they only realized how deep this goes within us.

I have no problem accepting who and what I am, and that I'm different from most males. I wouldn't wish this on an enemy. Our lives would be so much simpler without it, but, having lived it for more than six decades, I sure wouldn't give it away now. For better or worse, it in part defines our lives.

We've all had plenty of practice at presenting as males; we were trained for it, after all. Some CDs are dramatically unconcerned with their appearance in male mode. I'm not one of them, but I wish I could share my wife's appreciation for how I put myself together that way. She'll say, "you look nice", and I acknowledge the compliment, but, somewhere down where no one can see, my real response is "meh; I guess so...but".

[Kaz]

Yeah... how many times have I looked at myself in a mirror and thought the same?

Loathing and self-doubt... hating who you are and who you might be becoming?

I look at my face and see a wrinkled old man, I become Kaz and I am a butterfly and then I look at Kaz closely and she is a wrinkled old tranny!

Truth is... I am who I am, and there are millions in a worse place than me... so rejoice!

[kimdl93]

Hmmmm, lets see...flipping back through the life experiences. Ah, there we are, counseling sessions dealing with negative self talk.

All of us have received so many negative messages about being a CDr, effeminate or in some other way not normal. And if you are like me, you absorbed that message deeply, to the very marrow of your being. And for most of your life, regardless of how you were dressed at the moment, you found that inner voice repeatedly driving home the message that YOU are bad, you are different, you are... So, in my bout of cognitive therapy, the task was to quiet that negative self talk, to stop it...if necessary by saying "Stop!" aloud, and then to replace those nagging self comments with more realistic and more affirming truths about yourself. At the risk of sounding like Stuart Smiley, please remember that your're good enough, smart enough, and, doggonit, people like you!

[Dawn cd]

We are so programmed to accept social values that sometimes they sneak into our heads and ambush us. True, as people here have said, we will always fall short of looking like a real woman, but that's no reason for self-loathing. The plain young woman knows she'll never be a movie star. The heavyset teenager knows she will never be a supermodel. The pimpley sophomore knows he'll never look like Tom Cruise. It's part of the human condition to fall short. We need to see what we ARE, not what we are not, and love that person we see.

[abigailf]

I refer to myself often as a tranny. It is who I am, make no bones about it.

However, Acastina is on to something. You don't like seeing yourself dressed up as a male and you lash out at the most convenient thing about yourself. Who knows maybe that's because we are truly cross dressing when we are dressed as guys.

The next time, berate yourself for screwing something up at work.

[Linda Stockings]

In my experience, (a few decades) these ladies are quite correct. I agree, don't purge! You'll be happy you didn't. Hang in there; you have many wonderful friends here, all of which will be happy to listen and help. Be happy - at the least fantasize! Linda

[Barbara Ella]

Very hard to say since I am new to this, but I can see what the girls are saying. I can relate to being in male dress, thinking about what I would rather be doing, enfemme, seeing my reflection, having it conflict with my thoughts, and reacting angrily, in what used to be my common male mode, against my feminine thoughts with the male dress being offset against the female dress.

We are not normal (using "their" definition) but given what we have to work with it really is normal for the dichotomy we face daily. We have two sides in conflict and we must be vigilant to maintain a harmonious balance and keep the outsiders "normal" thought pattern from interfering.

Hows that for some spitballs on the ceiling?

Babes

[Debra Russell]

Well I too have that problem, whenever I am getting ready to go out (as a guy ) with family or friends I look in the closet and there mixed with all my male clothing are the femm things that are sooooo much prettier, fit so nice, feels so right but I dutifully don my male attire look in the mirror and feel sort of empty -- oh well such as it is...................Debra

[LeaP]

It is venting, I suppose, though in no intentional form, and it directed at the point of conflict - the easy target. Acastina absolutely nailed every last word in her post right down to the male presentation compliments.

No danger of purging! I'm long past that. (I've been at this 50+ years) This was more of a primal thing from God knows what depths, though the source is doubtless what Kim described. The funny thing is that I've been generally feeling better about myself for a while now, one reason it surprised me so much.

Lea

[docrobbysherry]

Self hatred is a well known psychological principal running thru all aspects of human society! Jews for Christ. Pedophile priests. Gay homophobes. Our self rightious politicians! Etc. Etc.

I always thot Hitler must have been Jewish!

[Acastina]

Who knows maybe that's because we are truly cross dressing when we are dressed as guys.

That's a powerful insight, and I think it's true, at least for me. It's a mask I wear so other people don't get uncomfortable and then make me uncomfortable. No matter how good we might get at playing the role and looking the part of what we're expected to be, it somehow still feels false.

[KellyJameson]

I have had these moments in the past and probably will again. My self criticism when seeing masculine features where I want to see only feminine features because that is how my subconscious identifies itself but "reality" states otherwise.

The first time I realized there was a possibility that my subconscious mind unbeknownst to me thought it was female was when I was sitting in a chair reading by myself. I was wearing a simple skirt, nylons and modest heels and glanced at my legs and my conscious mind said " I'm a woman ", not " I look like a woman" I could physically feel a shift in my mind like all of these different pieces in an instant realigned themselves because at that moment I realized my external reality had been an act and my internal reality was where truth lay. My conscious reasons for crossdressing were not the whole truth, not the first truth that all the other truths (reasons) were built on. I had accidentally peeled back a layer and discovered another world of hidden reasons.

A fracture between two parts was healed and I realized that my mind had betrayed me by keeping a very important secret from me that had resulted in much past confusion about my conscious relationship to the rest of the world. I still do not know why my mind thinks that but at least I consciously recognize it is how my mind identifies itself even when I was not consciously aware of it. This identity is part biological and part environment and was shaped by both forces.

The problem is the inevitable doubt because I feel one way but my intellect tells me different, it is rational, practical, literal, and logical and the conflict between these two forces creates doubt,anger,anxiety and contempt for being so stupid and crazy.

I have a deep trust in my mind to protect me because of how much I have survived when I should not have and because how much of my mind that my mind has allowed me to see (understand) and accept that there will always be conflict between what I feel to be true and what I think to be true. Only by using my intellect to serve my feelings have I been able to step onto the path of enlightenment for deeper understanding of my humanity and spirituality, logic is a deadend because it is to limiting, at some point there must be a leap of faith because we discover our truths by understanding our pain not by controlling it with logic, we can not "think" ourselves out of pain because pain lives in the heart not the head and living at war with yourself is painful indeed. The subconscious is pure emotion and often lives beyond words because it is our earlist experiences before we had words to understand what was happening to us or shaping us into what we would than become.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Years ago, I had a tab on my explorer bookmarks for articles i saved...it was called Self-Loathing....it's the idea that you are a "Wrong" person...that you are less than a person BECAUSE of who and what you are...

it's a terrible feeling...it's not your fault... it's a feeling that is shoved down your throat by the world...it doesnt matter if you are out and proud, or in the closet...everywhere you look we are misunderstood, marginalized and mocked.. (I got an A in alliteration)

Too much introspection is a big time trigger...

[josee]

Who's voice were you hearing? Your own or someone who currently or used to criticize you for being who you are? For myself I sometimes realize that those feelings come from things I have heard or felt from outside influences.

[LeaP]

The first time I realized there was a possibility that my subconscious mind unbeknownst to me thought it was female was when I was sitting in a chair reading by myself. ... my conscious mind said " I'm a woman ", not " I look like a woman" I could physically feel a shift in my mind like all of these different pieces in an instant realigned themselves ... had accidentally peeled back a layer and discovered another world of hidden reasons.

A fracture between two parts was healed and I realized that my mind had betrayed me by keeping a very important secret from me that had resulted in much past confusion about my conscious relationship to the rest of the world. I still do not know why my mind thinks that but at least I consciously recognize it is how my mind identifies itself even when I was not consciously aware of it. This identity is part biological and part environment and was shaped by both forces.

The problem is the inevitable doubt because I feel one way but my intellect tells me different, it is rational, practical, literal, and logical and the conflict between these two forces creates doubt,anger,anxiety and contempt for being so stupid and crazy.

...The subconscious is pure emotion and often lives beyond words because it is our earlist experiences before we had words to understand what was happening to us or shaping us into what we would than become.

I don't know about the subconscious being pure emotion - I actually tend to think it pure intelligence. I had a recent realization experience of the sort you describe. Your conceptions of the conflict between intellect and emotion, and between the conscious and subconscious are both worth thinking about. Thank you.


...it's the idea that you are a "Wrong" person...that you are less than a person BECAUSE of who and what you are...

Too much introspection is a big time trigger...

Yes and yes. I've been in introspection mode for the better part of the last year now.

The idea of being less because of what I am (truly am) gives me pause, and I see truth in it. I've always conceptualized things to-date as something wrong IN what I am (meaning what I thought I was, i.e., the male self). That's backwards - it's what I actually am fighting with what I'm trying to maintain.


Who's voice were you hearing? Your own or someone who currently or used to criticize you for being who you are? For myself I sometimes realize that those feelings come from things I have heard or felt from outside influences.

My voice, unfortunately. My bit of guilt at relating the incident is because it seems to indicate some transphobia, which is odd because I don't FEEL any.

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is little doubt the buried transphobia is impacting you... I felt it for years too...but i can't say i even thought about it at the time..
I crossdressed as long as i remember, but i also felt repulsed by the few obvious crossdressers i saw walking around malls or other places, and when i saw them i was so deeply repressed that i did not even consider that i was like them, and even deeper down i was amazed and jealous of them...(i recall one especially overdressed cd at a christmas pageant, and how i felt about that)...

I can't pretend to know why other than saying that every single day of a young boy's life is filled with challenges to his manhood...and dressing like or feeling like a girl are not manly...
In fact, for most guys, the default mode is to not just mock men that act like girls, but to look down on women in general...accepting women as equals is hard learned behavior for guys
there are beer commericials for crying out loud about drinking the beer that makes you more of a man!!!! it's everywhere...

so until you quiet down that imp in your brain that tells you and you alone that you are not a right person, you will struggle...

[Foxglove]

Lea, I've had many, many, many moments of self-loathing in my life. I couldn't begin to count them. And not all of them by any means had anything to do with my CD habits. People can work on you in various ways, they can make you accept their assessment of your worth. Once they've succeeded in doing that, what exactly is the answer? I've never found it yet. I suppose in theory you should be more objective about yourself, honestly look at yourself, assess your strengths and failings. I say "in theory", because I've tried that approach, but not with great success, I don't think.

What I do know is this: at moments when I curse myself (as you did the other day) that's not really me talking. Or rather, put it this way: I wouldn't be talking like that if I hadn't been given long training in it. Had I been allowed to leave myself alone, I never would have become like that.

Sometimes I feel that we all have a deep inner core, the deepest part of our personality, the place where we are truly at home. This part of us is so deep that nobody can touch it or harm it in any way, so what they settle for is burying it so deeply in all sorts of filth that we can't find it any more. But I've always believed that we can clear the filth away and find our true selves again. At least, that's what I've always believed. It may be no more than wishful thinking.

[Laurie A]

Lea, I too can relate to this. I have suffered from low self esteem off and on for most of my life. For the past 15 years or so, I have been much better about this, I learned from counseling how to deal with the negative self talk, and success in areas of my life that I value have given me new confidence.

But then just recently I decided to go all out with my cd'ing, and dress fully, something i had never done before. The first few times when looked in the mirror, and all the self doubt and self disappointment came flooding back. It was very daunting. Now with some practice, enhancements, makeup, wig, jewelry, etc I am slowly becoming less self critical. I have also been inspired to lose a little weight, which is helping a lot with the way I see myself.

Thanks for starting this thread, I for one am glad that we can all vent here every so often.

[Marleena]

Lea, I see your revelation as a momentary setback, just a second that society's intolerance pops out and smacks us! Many of us are struggling to find our place on the gender spectrum and that is an emotional rollercoaster.

I just triggered myself by washing my face in the mirror this morning. It was the opposite though. I saw an older guy staring back at me. I was not happy seeing that at all. When I see Marleena looking back instead all feels right in the world again, and I can be happy.:)

[z.kasia]

The world will probably never see what I see because they mostly see the outside. At times I see both and at times I see one or the other and it effects how I feel. Not sure that will ever change but your outburst is easy to relate to. Hang in there and know you are not alone.

[Krististeph]

Hi Lea.
it's good that you let yourself "vent". It is not easy being different than most people.
I like how you said you don't like the word 'tranny'- not because it is a bad or derogatory work, but that you focused on something. What you focused on was a word others who do not understand crossdressing use. Could it be that you are frustrated with feeling you have to 'hide' your true self, rather than being unhappy with what you are? it's really hard to be objective, but the next time you feel anger, understand that your feelings may be coming from the conflict of trying to abide by two seemingly opposing images- businessman, and feminine. Society is what has put the pressure on you- do not be angry with yourself.

In fact, by crossdressing, you are actively leading an additional life- that takes a lot of mental effort.

We are raised to fit into our society, but our society is not an 'average', although that's what you hear from the media. It is normal to not be normal or average. It's also normal to notice something that is out of step with the average society. You are highly aware of what you feel, which is good. It takes time to adjust your mind from following the crowd to forging your own path without upsetting the crowd, and when you got angry today- this is your intellect opposing your herd instinct. It takes time, just like becoming a doctor or professional, and you will have more moments like this- we all will. it is a natural part of growing and changing

I hope this makes you feel better.

What triggers me? The ignorance of our past- allowing ourselves to be a herd mentality when we are capable of so much more, even though we could do that and still retain the benefits of the herd co-operation.

Yeah. That and white shoes after labor day... (just kidding) :-)

[minalost]

Lea,
Your post has really struck a cord with me. I fight this battle as well. I think our worst judges are sometimes ourselves; and sometimes, those evil little voices don't even belong to us!

[Jay Cee]

I sometimes get down on myself because my increased awareness and acceptance of who I am (more TS than TG, I figure) means I am less sexually available for my partner. I feel guilty about that, which in turn affects my self confidence. When that is low, I tend to be less than kind towards the person I see in the mirror.

[Eryn]

Lea, I'm somewhat like you. If I'm in a situation where I'm in drab and there are ladies around wearing their (always) nicer clothes I feel down on myself. I know the I'm simply conforming to the male=drone demand of society, but somehow it feels like failure to me. This is totally irrational, but emotions are seldom rational.

In the past it was much worse because I wasn't dressing and I had to "just suck it up and soldier on." At least now I can hold out for the occasional times that I can be myself.

[ArleneRaquel]

I've purgeed 3 - 4 times ofverthe years, maybe more if you go back to my teens. Don't let the bigots & haters get to you. You have many friends here who are willing to help you at any time. Pity & self loathing will go away I'm sure, it has with me years ago.:)

[GBJoker]

Hmm... Lea Paine, I read your post a few times to try to understand what was going on, and think I've figured it out.

You were stressed about something, but possibly not CD'ing, and lashed out at yourself, and attacked the first obvious "flaw" that presented itself. Since you were looking into the reflection of the elevator, the immediate "flaw" to pop up was CD'ing.

I put quotes around the word "flaw" because, one, CD'ing is not really a flaw as far as I can see (But, I'm biased), and two, because, "We judge ourselves worse than..." etc.

But hey, who am I to talk? I'm the one that dresses up in a purple suit every night and fights a guy wearing black body armor and a cape.

[LeaP]

Hmm... Lea Paine, I read your post a few times to try to understand what was going on, and think I've figured it out.

You were stressed about something, but possibly not CD'ing, and lashed out at yourself, and attacked the first obvious "flaw" that presented itself. Since you were looking into the reflection of the elevator, the immediate "flaw" to pop up was CD'ing.


Maybe so. The male image I see always seems to take me by surprise, though.

Lea