Trans 101, 10 things not to say to a trans person

[ValRom]

There was another thread, recently closed, that discussed why it's wrong to bring up or hint at "T" issues to someone who is simply doing his or her job.

In 35 of the states in the U.S. it is legal to fire someone for being transgender or to not hire them according to the HuffingtonPost.

There are many versions of Gender 101 workshops given around the country. And there are all sorts of lists for "10 things not to say to a trans person." Here's a statement from Wesleyan University's Gender 101 Workshops:

If you're with a transsexual or transgender person somewhere that you're not sure is a safe space, don't bring up transsexual/transgender issues.

Work is not safe. The grocery store is not safe. No public space is safe unless the other person gives you permission to approach the issue.

This is similar to the CDer who feels he must leave his own town or city to attend therapy sessions, or to shop, or to do any activity because he does not want his activities publicly known. Do you think he wants you to approach him because you think the two of you share a common bond?

It's great that some of us are open and out. I wish more of us felt free to be ourselves in public.

Some of us have spent a great deal of money and time to build new lives. Many of us no longer consider ourselves trans and some of us wish to leave the trans world behind. Respect that person's privacy.

So, if you have the urge to bond in public, please resist it.

[DanaR]

Most people wouldn't go up to a random stranger and try to be friends either. That would be just weird.

[Aprilrain]

Thanks Valerie (i think your name is Valerie?) this is a good topic perhaps it should be posted in that other section!
Anyway my number one pet peev question is "so is your boyfriend gay (or Bi)" WOW, jee thanks for backhandedly calling me a man!

[Traci Elizabeth]

Val, you hit the nail on the head or in your case hit the ball out of Wrigley Field.

Your one sentence, "I wish more of us felt free to be ourselves in public. " is somewhat confusing. As I stated in that "other" thread, I am a woman, not a transsexual or a trans-woman, but just a woman and that is how I am living my life. So I am very free to be me "Ms. Woman" in public and am happy as a lark out there in the real world.

But like you, I do not want someone who thinks they know who I am to approach me anywhere in public. First, it's none of their business and second it's too personal for someone to be asking such questions of anyone.

My approach to my personal life is that if I want you to know, I will tell you, otherwise don't ever broach the subject with me as it's none of your business (not you personally Val, I know you understand I mean people as a whole).

[LeaP]

Most people wouldn't go up to a random stranger and try to be friends either. That would be just weird.

So I thought, too ... until I lived in the South.

Lea

[Miranda-E]

thanks for posting this. it cant be said enough

[Julia_in_Pa]

Val,

I absolutely agree with what you wrote.

If anyone would want to approach me concerning who and what I was I would only welcome a discreet note passed to me.
Anything else threatens my status.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I agree with theop...very well stated..and hopefully well with forum rules:brolleyes:

Sometimes I admit that there is a preachy tone to posts...if I am guilty, my bad... But there is an underlying seriousness that is totally reasonable to share..

[RachelOKC]

Here's some of my pet peeves; questions asked by strangers, trans and non trans...

Are those yours / are they natural / are they real? Is that your real hair?

Why is that your business? Don't you think that might be a bit hurtful to ask? Do you not think people get self-conscious about that stuff? Does it make me less of a person or less authentic somehow?

You look nice, you must be a TS - or - When did you transition?

Awfully presumptive, don'tcha think? Maybe I am, maybe I am not...but my looks have little bearing on my inner conflicts.

Are you going to or have you had surgery yet?

Why do you care what's between my legs? Are you more concerned with than than what's between my ears? And why would you presume I want to have surgery?

These and so many more...If you know me and you're friends with me, you'll really find that I'm generally open about a lot of stuff including the answers to most of these questions. I'm not afraid of who I am and who I have been so if you're my friend, I trust you with that. But if you're a stranger, don't you think you can get to know me in other ways first? Trans is part of WHO I am, it's not WHAT I am.

[Melody Moore]

Valerie, I totally agree with your post and am glad you started this thread after the other was locked.

I also think that it is wrong when you are a crossdresser and you try to tell transsexuals,
what they should think, be saying and doing. I am so sick of the fact that we cannot have
a voice here on this forum without the obvious "one-eyed" censorship that has been going
on. There is a huge difference between us regardless of the fact we have been thrown in
the basket with other transgender variants and I see the issues here as a two way street.

How the hell can crossdressers or anyone else understand us if our opinions are not allowed here?

[Tamara Croft]

How the hell can crossdressers or anyone else understand us if our opinions are not allowed here?

You are entitled to your opinion like ALL members here on this board, but when members result in being blatently nasty and vindictive, then I personally am not going to tollerate it.

[SandraAbsent]

I have my own top ten list of things I get asked, that I am just tired of answering.

1. Being asked in public if I am "insert label here." - No, I am a woman, simple right?
2. Ahhh the do you have a boy friend question, or are you gay, or wow I bet you really turn the guys heads!!!. - Well kinda rude thing to ask and a very vague assumption at best and thats all the information you are getting out of me on that issue. Wait I take that back...If she is cute and asks me if I'm gay the answer is always yes :)
3. Have you, or are you planning on having any surgeries. - Is that a really relevant question? Does my surgical or medical status determine my worth or how you view me?
4. Are you on hormones? - See answer to #3
5. You are very passable, I could hardly tell... - Thanks for the back handed compliment and do you realize that just by saying that you are implicating that I am not passable? If I was passable you never would have outed me would you have?
6. ...and I got this one from my sister of all people. You really should let me take you shopping and have my stylist do your hair, and you glasses aren't girly enough. Your style is not mine! Thank you for breaking down my self esteem. How would you feel as a woman if I returned the favor. I know, I know, I know your intention is to be helpful, but please offer advice about appearance only when asked. I really do have my own salon and spa, and my girls have intimate knowledge of the challenges I face and are working on correcting what they can.
7. What do you do with... Use you imagination all you want, but really really dont ask this.
8. Best practice, if you are confused as to what name to use or what pronoun to use, don't use one This really hits me right now as I am new to being full-time and everyone is still struggling with it. I am being patient as possible, but when do I draw the line in the sand?
9. Now that you're a woman... (example: Now that you're a woman, do your shoes hurt like the rest of us? Ok, how about this...Do your shoes hurt like mine do?
10. I get this mainly because I frequent gay bars. Why? Because I date women as a woman, and the part in question has no relevance. The inevitable tranny chaser!!! Ok, I am at this bar and I am surrounded by women...HINT!!!!

On a side note, I totally understand why the "other" thread that keeps getting mentioned here was closed. It was developing into flame war. Lets keep this one on topic here and not get into another bashing thread. I am guilty of it two, so by no means am I claiming innocence. With respect to the Admin, lets leave the "other" thread out of this topic and make it educational to whomever may be reading it, while still expressing our feelings on subjects like this :)

[RachelOKC]

I have my own top ten list of things I get asked, that I am just tired of answering.

Yep X 10. It would be so nice if people would just *think* before speaking...yeah, I know, I know.


On a side note, I totally understand why the "other" thread that keeps getting mentioned here was closed. It was developing into flame war. Lets keep this one on topic here and not get into another bashing thread. I am guilty of it two, so by no means am I claiming innocence. With respect to the Admin, lets leave the "other" thread out of this topic and make it educational to whomever may be reading it, while still expressing our feelings on subjects like this :)

Thank you, well said.

I saw this video by Calpernia Addams a while back and thought I'd share.

Bad Questions to Ask a Transsexual: The Director's Cut (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjqsB1huDxg&feature=relmfu)

[Jay Cee]

Before I began to understand my true nature and identity, I might have asked one or more awkward questions if I had met a TS. I wouldn't have meant it to be mean or nosy - more curiousity than anything. Does that make it right? Nope. But sometimes folks simply don't understand that they may hurting someone else's feelings.

[Kelly DeWinter]

You are entitled to your opinion like ALL members here on this board, but when members result in being blatently nasty and vindictive, then I personally am not going to tollerate it.

It's obvious from reading the forum allows all kinds of opinions to be expressed. just going by the length and breath of the discussions herein. Ther are some threads that make my eyes roll and my jaw drop. I'd say the forum goes a long way toward encouraging opinions.

Would'nt it be nice if the moderators were able to go a week without HAVING to closing a thread.

I say 'well done' to you and all the moderators.

Kelly

[Hope]

I have my own top ten list of things I get asked, that I am just tired of answering.


7. What do you do with... Use you imagination all you want, but really really dont ask this.


I have only been asked this a couple of times. Depending on my mood and the location, and my opinion of the person who asked, I have been known to go into such excruciating detail (much of it manufactured) so as to make the person who asked the question really wish they hadn't. I have told stories about super-glue, surgical stitches, rubber bands, and I once made a rather vigorous "snapping" motion and noise. That one even made me a bit squirmy.

The question that really annoys me is the "What is your real / old / birth" name? Frankly, the assumption of entitlement in that question is breathtaking. It is none of anyone's business what my "original" name was, and my "real" name is "Hope." Recently I have just decided to tell people my old name was "Vera" and watch as they try to figure it out.