An unexpected side effect, of the creation of Shayla...

[Shayla99]

,......has been 50 pounds of weight loss, which has led to woman trying to date, and get to know me, which is not a bad thing, but does create a certain level of conflict within me>>>>>
I mean NYE I made out with the most beautiful woman I have ever kissed.... Every time I see a romantic comedy, or a cheesy love song, I long for that fantasy, and struggle with that?? Is that just a fantasy?? :sad:
Can Shayla co exist with a woman?? :devil:
Certainly it is not something I can hide, and "purging" seems a failed adventure. judging by what I have read here..... lol PLUS... I can not hide a closet full of latex and heels..lol nor do I want too!!!
I am quite certain I could never leave Shayla at this point..... I know she is sexy and will never hurt me, but I might be passing up on a partner or companionship!!!
Perhaps there is a gal out there for me, but how do you balance this???
How do you know ??? It is painful at times cause the longing can be intense at times.... yet within a few days, I am still standing and Shayla is still here....
Am I just hiding behind her???
Scared to be hurt, or vulnerable???
I never regret her, as Shayla has brought mr so much , and has even made male me more confident, and aware what GG go through with predator males???
I am a member of another forum, and men say some really degrading and insensitive things.... that make you feel de -valued.....anyway..... just crazy in my head some times??? This gal on NYs was so gorgeous and fun.......What to do????? :daydreaming:
I am sorta dating one gal who does know all about Shayla,... as she is a member on that other site (fet life), but I know she feels threatened by Shayla, is jealous of the attention she receives, and feels like she is competing with her almost/....
It is a very confusing minefield, this thing called sexuality!!!
I think this gal even debates my orientation, and questions if I am too much or she is not enough for me!!!
Sorry for long post, not so much questions as wanting to hear other gals experiences and thoughts and regrets if you have em!! :D

[Jill Devine]

There are all kinds of people in this world and a "perfect" match does exist out there for you. But first you need to know 100% what you want. Once you have a clear goal then look for her (or him) while still enjoying life. Just be open and honest - the rest will follow in its own time.

[Marleena]

Shayla somebody will accept you for you. The key is to leave the door open to find that special lady. You can't change who you are, nor should you.

[abigailf]

Like Jill said, there is someone out there for you, but you need to figure yourself out first. Know who and what you are before you try to figure out what you want. Don't drag someone into this discovery with you if you don't have to.

You may want to separate sexuality from gender identity and discover each one within you on its own.

For me, trying to understand my sexuality was confusing my understanding of my gender identity, so I put sexuality on hold for a couple of years. I am married and by my own doing I could count the amount of sex my wife and I had on one hand in the last two years.

Cross dressing can make intimacy very stimulating, but the reason why can get foggy. You need to figure out where on the Gender Variant scale you fall. Do you just like to cross dress or are you a transsexual or something in between?

What ever you are, when you find a partner, they will need to know early on in the relationship.

[Shayla99]

I am a sexy clothing fetishist...that describes me best.... I identify with the freedom, and role play that comes with it....
I love the feeling of escaping me , to be me, it is hard to know where fantasy and reality meet...Ya know

I am not your normal cross dresser, if there is such a thing, I do not look to be a vanilla, blend in, dont cause a stir kinda gal, I have always respected the people , who were unafraid to weaR something a lil naughty!!
IT IS HARD TO DEFINE BOUNDARIES WITHOUT EXPERIENCE!!!
So I am curious about my limits, but sitting home alone doesnt always help you define who, or what you are!!
I love heels, and tights, and always want to find ways to see them be worn!!

All of this still is so fuzzy at times..... Shayla was a character I created , based on a number of unfulfilled fantasy's, a closet full of ideas, and an alcoholic girlfriend.
Almost 7 years, of really difficult abuse and stress, I put on a lot of weight, and just became depressed....I had purchased some fun outfits for me and her to play in, nurses , maids, dominas, etc, boots stockings, and etc...but after so many failed sessions with a drunk, where there was no safety, or fun, I just gave up , and the stuff just sat there....
I grew to resent that we never played with it...
I also stopped having intimate relations with her... too much pain and anger, never any apology's, \I was so pent up with anger, and fear, and resentment, and a sense of obligation, knowing that without my support, she would have tougher times ahead......
I felt so trapped, one day last spring, after years of no sex (very little) ..I just said.."If I am gonna spend the rest of my life in this situation, not knowing how to leave....I need to become the girl that I WILL NEVER HAVE OR EVEN FIND"! It gave me the motivation to eat right, and try to fit into the maid dress, or the pvc gown, and Shayla was born!!
Dont get me wrong I have always dabbled, pantyhose esp.... but this was different, I was all in, shoes , hair, make up, weight loss.... and it werked, but I am a work in progress.....
Last summer, one of my jobs ended, and my ex, could no longer hide her activity's, and it became apparent that she had been cheating on me....AGAIN..lol..... I was home now at nite but she wasnt I had always seen the signs, but this made it clear.....and she just stopped coming home, and finally this past October she moved out!!!
Shayla was a part of her leaving, it was a resolution I had made with myself, that she also recognized... and it got me out of something I could not escape.
In doing so ....it has changed the entire scope of Shayla, and forced some doors open, and without the ex in the picture...I didnt know where reality and Shayla meet anymore....
So I am just now in a place where.... Something I love, and feel so comfortable being at times, is in danger of redefining me as a whole.... It is just scary...and confusing, and know with these woman all approaching me.... I am a little bit LOST!! :straightface:

Men do not turn me on, some times woman do not turn me on, sexy clothing and an almost exhibitionist approach to the female form, and a non gendered form.... the way that make up, and clothes, can create illusions..... these things turn me on!!!! HIGH HIGH HEELS, an unrepressed dress to be sexy look!!! HELP!!

NOTHING TURNS ME ON, LIKE A GAL THAT IS A BLEND OF LADY WITH A FLASH OF SEXY!!! A classy gal in fishnets, or a pair of seamed stockings,,,,, I wanna bite my finger!!

[Kaz]

If you have a target (type of) woman in mind... find out where they go, learn the rules, do it. Job done.

[Marleena]

Shayla your last post tells me your dressing is escalating. I also think you are still trying to find your place on the gender spectrum. It will come in time and things should level off a bit.

It sounds like you're having a lot of fun in the meantime. Keep enjoying yourself and it will all come together.:)

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you have a 'kink' group in your area, you could join and try finding a GG partner there. It still might be a stretch, but the single GGs there should at least be a bit more open minded than average and that should improve your odds. Plus, at least, you will find others who share your interest in costumes, latex etc.

[kimdl93]

I know that women can accept and support a CDing partner. The larger question is whether you can accomodate the interests and needs of a partner. But think seriously about this. It seems you're so committed to Shayla, that you might limit your involvement with other women. That would be a tragic mistake. Like all of us, you need human relationships to have a complete and healthy life. Sure, its fine to integrage this part of yourself into the relationship...but think of Shayla as YOU, not as your gf. She is an expreession of you....not a separate entity. If possible let this part of you add a dimension of fun, excitement and pleasure to your relationships, but don't let it deny real human interaction.

[Shayla99]

Thats the tough part, finding and knowing where that balance is... Its not something I can hide, nor really want to.... but at what expense??
As sweet as male me is, and charming, there's this unknown that if I hide, becomes to overwhelming, an elephant in the room almost, and if I share right away is , would scare most gals away....
finding a male play partner would be easy, but theres this whole "u have a dick thing!"!! Anyway I initially joined here, for the support and community, so Thanx to everyone as always for listening, even writing it and chatting about it makes me feel better, and much less alone.....

[kimdl93]

Thats the tough part, finding and knowing where that balance is... Its not something I can hide, nor really want to.... but at what expense??
As sweet as male me is, and charming, there's this unknown that if I hide, becomes to overwhelming, an elephant in the room almost, and if I share right away is , would scare most gals away....
finding a male play partner would be easy, but theres this whole "u have a dick thing!"!! Anyway I initially joined here, for the support and community, so Thanx to everyone as always for listening, even writing it and chatting about it makes me feel better, and much less alone.....

Be patient, open and honest. Try to be the same person, regardless of "mode", when you are getting acquainted, and be very alert to the attitudes and open-mindedness of your prospective partner. Then use your judgement in finding a time to introduce this part of yourself to her. And be willing to take the risk of rejection - cause that's a pssibility in any relationship.

And if it doesn't work for her, don't hesitate to put yourself out there - in person or via any number of legitimate dating sites - and meet a variety of women.

[docrobbysherry]

Nice post, Shayla. Tells us a lot about u! Besides the sexy pics! U and I have a lot in common, I believe. Sherry came into existence after I separated and my dressing began in earnest! Sherry's a pretty HOT BABE! She suits me, of course! MOST of her pics r not allowed to be posted here.

On a dating CD site, I wanted to meet a nearby GG. But, she acted like I was some kind of ROCK STAR! I told an old out of town GF about Sherry. Even showed her pics. After a short time, she became quite jealous! We don't hook up any more.

I'm having difficulties balancing my Sherry activities with dating and my need for real human companionship. Like u, I'm a work in progress! However, it sounds like I've had a 10+ year head start! Ha ha!

Try to relax and enjoy the ride, girl! I think you'll discover much about yourself and Shayla THIS YEAR!

[Mikaela]

Like you, I lost a lot of weight, and that made me attractive in both boy and girl modes.

Lucky me, a GG I met at a club turned out to be someone who loves me for both sides of me.

For me, my girlfriend sets the balance and it actually works out in Mikaela's favor. Kae has gotten silver Tiffany necklaces and bracelets, and all sorts of other tokens of affection. Our intimate time is varied and although it's nothing like a D/S fetish, we do switch our general aggressiveness depending on how I'm presenting. I even put in my notice yesterday to my apartment; moving in with her next month (been together since May).

The thing to remember, besides communication (which is good for any relationship, but especially when this is new for them too), is that (more than likely), when they chips are down, they need you as a guy.

Other than that, if they are debating your sexuality, are threatened or jealous, then it's not the right one. But the caveat (to the threatened and jealousy) is that you must do your part in that. If I am shopping with Jill for something nice for her, I don't turn it into a reason to get Kae something; I don't talk about Kaela this or that. It's important that my gf is not the third wheel between my boy and girl side. And in return, she loves her girlfriend and her boyfriend, and I get to reap the rewards (emotional, physical, etc).

I was lucky in that my gf met me as a girl first, so no awkward conversation there. But I think you need to let the woman you are dating learn about you first before you drop the bombshell on them. They need to have some skin in the game first, but don't wait so long that it's a big cover up either.

Good luck and have fun.

Me and my girl on NYE having fun on the dance floor
http://bit.ly/ym9f8c
http://bit.ly/zbm6JY

[Shayla99]

Its certainly not at all clear, but I think for the most part, the dressing and presentation, is very much an art to me, a chance to feel sexy, and wear things that turn me on... i rarely spend much time dressed anymore, I dress , take some pics, and then male me comes back , to see what She looks like, and enjoys the outfits and shoes, and almost wished that She was REAL???

She is my pinochio!!! HAHA

I do not really want to hang out that way with a gal I am dating, I would love to take erotic pics with a gal though, and as far as play in the bedroom, that part is still very fuzzy!?!?

It can be a lot to figure out!!!