Help quickly! What do i say to my wife.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Oh Lord do I need some advice, and I need it quickly. I am at home. My wife will get home about 5:30-6 pm. Our 21 year old son just came by (he is in college about a half hour away). He wanted to drop off a letter, but since I was at home, we had a long talk. Here is the text of the letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm not exactly sure how to start this. I guess we've never been very good at the big talks, although that could just be me. Anyways, I think I'll go the cryptic analogy route.

Dad, you're a sailor. It's an inseparable component of your identity. You love sailing, and as an extension of that, you love your boat. You loved when you got it, but you've spent countless hours making it better because you want it to be something you're proud of.

At this point, you're probably only more confused, so I'll just say it. Your boat for you is analogous to my body for me, although I have yet to modify it. As for sailing itself, that's analogous to my gender. Here's what I need to tell you guys: as it turns out, I am not your son. I am your second daughter. I am a transgendered woman.

I'm sure there are plenty of questions flying through your head right now. I'll gladly drive home so we can talk about this face to face, but for now, here's some important stuff:
-I realized and came to terms with all this about two months ago.
-Ashleah, a few close friends, and Laura are the only ones who know so far.
-I'm starting hormones soon (hopefully). Finding an endocrinologist right now.
-I'm not a "woman born in a man's body." I'm a woman born with my body, which happened to have male sex characteristics. It just needs tweaking.
-My chosen name is Davinia. It's a female form of David, and shortens to Davin, which rimes with Gavin.

I love you both a lot. I couldn't have asked for better parents, and I can't wait to talk about all this. I hope you both take this well, and I apologize for being a bit out of myself for the past 21 years.

Love,
Davina

Of course I told him we would love and support him and tried to reassure him that things would be okay. No, I did not tell him about myself (he expressed surprise in the conversation that I knew so much about transgenderism).

I didn't tell him because I have no idea how my wife will feel about this. She has tolerated me, but never wanted anyone to know, especially our children. I told David/Davinia that I would give her the letter, but oh God I am not looking forward to the reaction. I am pretty sure that David/Davinia will be okay, but I am not sure what she will think of me.

What am I going to say to her?

Liz

[Renee W]

I don't have any actual advice to give, just words of encouragement. I'm sure that no matter how you approach this things will work out.

[Stephanie47]

I think the bond between a mother and her cub is stronger than the bond between anything else. I think she will take it well. Most mothers seem to accept their sons as long as the son does not hurt her grandchildren. There may be some inquiry as to whether your cross dressing activity had an effect on the son. You may have to be firm that to your knowledge he had absolutely no clue to your cross dressing. I wouldn't tell him of your cross dressing until you're assured he has fully accepted himself and is comfortable with his decision. If he has doubts, he may feel his desires have something to do with his gene pool. I believe most reputable physicians require years of preparation before any surgery. There is definitely a difference between a cross dresser and a woman born in a wrong body.

[Dana7]

This situation with your son is obviously a development that is something completely out of your control and was not the result of anything you have done. It all depends on how your wife reacts to this letter that determines what you will say to her.

To begin, let her know that you are there for her, regardless. She is going to need some stability and you are it. Since she already knows about your crossdressing she is familiar with transgender issues, so I consider that a plus. But news like this is certainly going to be a bit of a shock.

She might think that you caused your son to go this direction, and you need to be clear to her that this was something that was his own decision. Let her know that he never knew about your crossdressing and still doesn't even know. Then she can draw her own conclusions about how he went down this road.

Above all, be patient and caring toward her. She needs you now and she needs your emotional support. Let her emotions flow and be there for her.

I think that this is very interesting, how transgender issues have moved between the generations of your family even though you didn't overtly influence it in any way.

[Kathi Lake]

Oh my!

Liz, what a bold jump for your son to take! That he is going to look for an endocrinologist already makes me think that he has been in therapy for awhile. You wife will doubtless be stunned, hurt, angry, depressed, and other feelings - and those will be the ones directed at you. Yes, unfortunately, you just may get the "blame" for this. Your screwed-up genes, or your son just knew instinctively about you, and wanted to follow suit. I don;t know what to say except keep the love flowing between you, your son (daughter) and your wife. You will doubtless need it at this time. My prayers are with you!

Kathi

[Mikaela]

Your son/daughter is lucky she has at least one parent already on board. Let your wife make her own decision based on what your daughter has sent. You can arbitrate or discuss or inform as long as the wife is willing, but don't use this as a soapbox for your own stuff, don't use it as genetic 'proof' either. Don't go there. If the wife blames your genetics, don't continue that part of the convo.

And of course, coming out to your child may help, too.

[Shelly Preston]

I suggest you tell your wife you are just as shocked as she is.

You do however have an advantage given your own cricumstances as you understand things better than someone who has never had to deal with this.
All you can do is help her get through this as best you can. You as parents may be losing a son but I am sure you are gaining a beautiful daughter.

[Debglam]

Liz,

This is too personal to give advice on. I would simply say that I think many of us here would have been blessed to have a parent that was transgendered and "got" this stuff. Talk things out with your wife but your son knowing that you REALLY understand will make the situation easier for the whole family IMHO.

Best of luck to you all.

Debby

[vivianann]

Well that is going to be a tough situation since you are a part of the trans community. Plus your wife might not take this well, I hope she does not freak out about this, only you know her best. You need to show her the letter, she does need to know the truth. When you do show her the letter you should be dressed as your male self, so this wont be too much for her. Your wife is going to be going through alot of emotions after she finds out, so be there for her as a man so this goes well for her and your son(soon to be daughter). Keep us posted. And I wish you your wife the best.

[Marleena]

Great replies!

Elizabeth all you need to do is forward the letter to your wife like the other girls have said. Your wife needs to understand that you have nothing to do with your son's revelation. He didn't ask for it anymore than you did. You need to reinforce that it is not anybody's fault.

Your wife will support her with this life decision I'm sure, as you have. I wish you all the best!

[ReineD]

Of course I told him we would love and support him and tried to reassure him that things would be okay. No, I did not tell him about myself (he expressed surprise in the conversation that I knew so much about transgenderism).

I didn't tell him because I have no idea how my wife will feel about this. She has tolerated me, but never wanted anyone to know, especially our children. I told David/Davinia that I would give her the letter, but oh God I am not looking forward to the reaction. I am pretty sure that David/Davinia will be okay, but I am not sure what she will think of me.

What am I going to say to her?

Liz

Liz, I wouldn't say anything to her other than prepare her by saying that your son has gender issues, and he came by to deliver the letter. Then sit down with her, and give her the letter to read.

Make sure the phones are off the hook, and you will not otherwise be interrupted. Allow her reactions to dictate how you will respond. Be strong, kind, compassionate, and calm.

Please do remember that you are all separate beings, your child, your wife, and you, and none of you has the power to dictate how anyone else chooses to live their life, or react to events in it. You all are ultimately only responsible for yourselves.

:hugs:

[Jenniferathome]

This isn't about you, your crossdressing or anything you have done, ever. It's about your son and soon to be daughter.

[PretzelGirl]

I don't think you say a thing to your wife, at least not initially. Let her read it and see where it goes. Also realize that you may see one reaction and she may give a different reaction to Davinia. Depending on how she reacts, you may have to give her the chance to vent. You don't say whether you want to come out to Davinia. Obviously this would be a discussion with your wife and you would have to decide whether to approach it based on her stance after she has time to process everything. And yes, I am saying after she processes it because as we have seen here, an initial reaction can change after there is time for emotions to settle down.

An additional, thought. I would keep your private talks between you and your wife off of the public forum here. I know that is tough because there could be a need for the support. But there could be things that Davinia probably shouldn't hear. And you don't know if she is already here or could be here in the near future.

I wish the best for all three of you and that being a loving and supportive family is what shines through strongly.

[Eryn]

The only thing that I can add to what has already been said is that there are two revelations that have to be made and their order will be important.

Your wife knows about you and Davinia does not. Your wife does not yet know about Davinia. I think that it is important that you discuss Davinia with your wife before you discuss yourself with Davinia and when you do discuss yourself with Davinia your wife should be present so that she may see Davinia's reaction.

This might in part mitigate the "you pushed Davinia in this direction" concept your wife will undoubtedly have regardless of whether it is spoken.

I think that Davinia is incredibly lucky to have at least one parent that really understands her situation. I hope to see her join the forum soon if she isn't already here.

[Stephenie S]

I'm totally with Reine on this one.

Just share the letter with her.

Your new daughter is SO fortunate to have you and your wife as parents.

S

[Elizabeth Ann]

Thanks, everyone. I know in the long run, we will all be okay. I had no question about her love of her children, and that she would do anything for them. And I know that in the moment, as she runs through the gamut of emotions, that if she strikes out (verbally) at me, she will apologize later. I don't mind being a place for a soft, or hard, landing, but I am dreading the evening.

[andrea35]

I have nothing better to add from all the good advise you already gotten, other than to wish you the best and to please let us know how things turn out.
I am sure all of us here are going to be waiting biting
our nails wondering if you did ok

[Miranda-E]

the letter was adressed to mom and dad, so she has to see it. good reaction or bad.

[Amanda22]

This isn't about you, your crossdressing or anything you have done, ever. It's about your son and soon to be daughter.

Yes, that is exactly right, at least if you ask me. Your wife can feel about Davinia however she chooses. Same for you. You don't have to have the same opinion. Davinia is fortunate to have you as a parent. I think you'll come out to her at some point, probably sooner than later. When that happens, you'll grow together much more closely. It's all for the good.

[prettytoes]

Sit down and read it with her....together. Like others have said, the bond between a mother and child is the strongest bond there is.
When my wife found out about my dressing, one of her comments was "I'm just worried about the kids". We have 2 adult daughters, neither lives at home. She was not concerned that they might find out, rather that my gender issues could have been passed on to them. I laughed and replied "it's ok, I'm pretty sure they both enjoy wearing women's clothes!"
I will never know for sure, but I think my father was also a cross dresser. He kept it well hidden, but there were a few things over the years that now. looking back, lead me to believe this. I often wonder if it is something that is passed down, in our genetic makeup.

[ReineD]

I don't mind being a place for a soft, or hard, landing, but I am dreading the evening.

It'll be OK. You are a kind, intelligent, sensitive person and your wife loves you and your kids. She may get upset, she may blame your genes, but on the other hand, she may not. I can't help but think that you married someone who is equally kind, intelligent and sensitive, and she will realize that we have no say in our genetic makeup. :)

Whatever emotion she will go through will pass. :hugs:

[Lorileah]

First I will say "Good luck and God Speed Davinia. I hope you live a long, happy and prosperous life."

Now Elizabeth, you know what to do. Let her read the letter and comfort her afterward if she needs it. Celebrate with her how she has been a wonderful parent who has spent her whole life working to allow her children to be able to be themselves, to be happy and to be productive members of society. That the shell is not the person. That nothing has changed except the exterior. Davinia is the same person she has always been. But now she can be happier and more relaxed. She can be who she has always been. The dynamics may change but nothing else. Davinia needs her parents now more than ever. That your wife has done the right thing by teaching her children that they can come to you for anything. And that love is undying. To look forward with hope and know that her children are individuals.

Elizabeth you have that knowledge already. You know how it can be to not feel "right". I have no doubt that you will be the rock Davinia needs. But be prepared for your wife to redirect. She will have to shift "blame" somewhere before she realizes there is not blame. She will lash out at you. Don't take it to heart if you can avoid it. It will hurt but it is just a reflex. Sticking with the boat analogy, it is a squall and you have to navigate through it knowing it will be rough but that clear skies will prevail. So stead yourself. You have heard it all before, you know the answers. You have the background here. You also have the biggest support group in the world right here at your finger tips. Come to us if you need it (PM me if you need).

I personally think that this is a testament to how wonderful you and your wife are. You have raised a child who knows what they are and what they want. Look around here at how many don't or didn't have that. I think this is a great thing for your family. You have my full support

[ThiHi]

Nothing to add that hasn't been said. Just a note of support. You have a wonderful daughter, you must be great parents as well.

[sissystephanie]

Liz, you have a wonderful wife and a wonderful family. As others have already said, give your wife the letter and let her read it. She will make the right decision and i doubt that she will blame you for your son's decisions. You obviously can understand those decisions better than your wife can, but her love of your son will overcome everything else!! Have faith, my friend!!

Oh yes, please do let us know the outcome!!

[DonnaT]

Sounds like you are ready to calmly weather the storm, if there is one. I agree, if she wants to rant, then let her.

Make sure you let her know you've already given your new daughter your love and support.

[bobbie c]

liz....my thoughts are with you and your family.much good advice from wise people and your sensitivity is your savior now. you are a passenger here and let your wife have the wheel.....time is key.my very best to that daughter you have....very special all will work out. you'll know.....

[bobbie c]

add one more thing.....it is a time to listen.......hugs to u alll

[Badtranny]

OMG what a beautiful courageous spirit you have raised.

I'm sure you can recognize the strength required to write such a letter at such a young age. How wonderful that she came to you so early in the process.

This is a beautiful story and I'm getting a little bit weepy just thinking about the wonderful life that young lady has in front of her.

[angpai30]

It is a time to listen, but a time for comfort. You're wife will need some comforting words from her husband because this will put her in a hard spot to be in. You're new found daughter will definitely have a lot of explaining to do as this journey takes place and you're wife will have a lot of things to say about it. Let her. Everything that has been said is all very wise advice and I couldn't have said it any better myself. I can only imagine what you are going through and how difficult it may even be for you right now as you didn't even know about you're son/daughter. I hope the best for you all!

Kristen~~

[ReineD]

I just thought of something. Maybe your wife has noticed clues while your son was growing up, but she dismissed them as a passing phase?

[rian]

I think ...it is a very critical moment for you ....what you should do is to sit down with your wife and talk about it ....convince her that it is inavitable ...let it be ....so keep your profile low because she cannot stand to have both at the moment ...wait a while and see what hapens ...she will accept this idea eventually ....at the end dont you think it is good that both of you and son are the same .......

[Elizabeth Ann]

I just thought of something. Maybe your wife has noticed clues while your son was growing up, but she dismissed them as a passing phase?

No, I wish that was so. My wife, like her parents actually, avoids unpleasant news, confrontation, or difficult subjects. I think she may actually wince at the second sentence of the letter: "I guess we've never been very good at the big talks, although that could just be me." A couple of years ago, I had a long talk with David/Davina (I know, I know, I'll get used to Davina) about indications of bisexuality. He was frank about it, and I left it that he could tell his mother in his own good time. This afternoon, I brought it up again, and he said he assumed that she figured it out from his bumper stickers and organization memberships. I assured him that she had not.

So there you have it. A very loving family that just doesn't deal with things until they hit them in the face. Frankly, it has made my crossdressing easier because don't ask, don't tell really means "I don't want to know."

I think I am going into shock waiting for her to come home. I feel very cold and my hands are shaking.

Liz

[Debglam]

Reading the letter again, and your posts Liz, I have a feeling this is going to work out fine. Take a deep breath. . .

[josee]

Everyone has responded as I would so I'll just add that Davina is so lucky to have you for a parent. It will all work out in the end. We're all rooting for you.

[elizabethamy]

Even though I have a son the same age -- who doesn't know about my gender issues -- I don't have any advice except to say that the thing to hold onto is that you and your wife are SUCH good parents that a 21 year old is willing to come forward to you with this kind of news. Wow. All good wishes!

[Eryn]

So there you have it. A very loving family that just doesn't deal with things until they hit them in the face. Frankly, it has made my crossdressing easier because don't ask, don't tell really means "I don't want to know."

I think I am going into shock waiting for her to come home. I feel very cold and my hands are shaking.

OK, put on something warm, turn up the thermostat a couple of degrees, and make yourself a cup of whatever beverage comforts you. Everything WILL come out fine because Davinia has your love and your wife's love. Without yet knowing it, Davinia is already miles ahead of other people in her position. Think of how happy Davinia will be when the worst case scenairo that is going through her head doesn't come to pass and instead she finds that her parents understand and care about her.

Again, everything WILL be fine in the end.

We're here for you.

Hugs, Eryn

[Kate T]

Firstly I hope everything goes well.

Secondly I do not know much about your relationship with your wife. So if what I say here is COMPLETELY off kilter then please ignore.

When I first told my wife about CD (1 year ago) we talked about how / when / if to tell children. We agreed that the one thing that would trump any other consideration would be if any of our children felt they had "problems" (and I mean here problems with acceptance by society) with anything to do with their gender or sexuality. Knowing how isolating and the sort of internal turmoil it causes to think you are some sort of odd freak from first hand our intention is to make sure that they don't feel alone.

You may need to wait to see how your wife responds and wait until at least some of the grief process is resolved (you know the deal, denial, "why me", anger, then acceptance) but I think it is highly likely this may actually strengthen your family.

Good luck and I hope all went OK.

[Barbara Ella]

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel kike most of the girls here that this will work out fine eventually. You are prepared for an initial emotinal barrage, and it may or may not come, I dont know what other touch points your wife may have going that could also put her close to an edge. From what you have posted, I think you are ready for that, and can weather the initial storm. And that is what I feel it will be, initial hurt, confusion, and feeling of loss of a son, before your wife realizes that she has a loving daughter and husband, and an intact family with a slightly different structure than yesterday. Yes, you must share. Share silently and let her react and then console and comfort, and go from there

Babes

[abigailf]

Liz,

First, thank you second daughter for me if ever you do come around to telling her. It was a courageous and bold move. It was inspirational to me, especially that I am at a point where I am struggling with coming out to my mother and siblings. So thank you for posting this.

Second, it is a little late for advice at this point, not that I would have had anything to add to the previous posters. However, I would really be interested to learn about her response and reaction to the news. I would be grateful if you could share that.

Finally, you may want to tell her about yourself sooner then later (after the dust settles as you don't want to steal her thunder). At the rate this forum grows she may come across it and find out before you tell her.

Thanks,

[sandra-leigh]

Liz, What an amazing situation, and I admire your daughter's strength and willingness to communicate.

I think it may be a time of healing all around.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Initial crisis has passed. My wife is sleeping and I am going to bed. Tomorrow we are both going to be wearing ourselves out helping our oldest child move to a new apartment. I think we are actually looking forward to physical exhaustion.

My wife cried, regained her composure and then cried some more, and then cried again. I don't think I have seen her in this much pain since her brother died in his 20's, and for whom David is named after. She doesn't know what to do, and is in a panic. When she had calmed enough to think and talk about it, she is very concerned about what this will do to his life. At one point, she cried and said, "I wanted him to be a father."

He called her cell phone around 9:30. She was lying on the bed, but not asleep, but said she couldn't talk to him until she could hold herself together. I called him back and said she had already gone to bed and would talk to him later. I know he is looking for some reaction from her, but about all I could tell him was that she was upset and cried, but not angry.

She doesn't blame me, as I was afraid she might. Perhaps she will take any company she can get in the lifeboat with her.

I had a long talk with him, and hours to sit here thinking about it. I know some of you said it is a good thing he has a parent who understands, but really I don't. I am not far removed from a fetish crossdresser. I also get that calming feeling that we all talk about, but I am basically a man in a dress, and I don't even understand that. My son sits there and tells me he is a transexual and I try to reassure him, but what I am thinking is that this is going to make your life so hard.

What I told my wife, but haven't said to David, is that from what I know, this is moving way too fast for David to really know where he wants to be, that the euphoria of the moment is often called the Pink Fog in the TG community. I was a little amused in spite of the situation when he explained to me that "there is a whole spectrum in the TG community" and that he is not completely sure where he fits. He told me this afternoon that he does not contemplate anything as drastic as surgery, and that he and the girl he lives with want to stay together. He says he wants to get a new wardrobe and come out to his friends, but we joked about the fact that like most college students, his wardrobe consists of jeans and t-shirts.

I told my wife that there are people, including me, that come to this as adults, but that it is my impression that almost all true transexuals have felt that they were so from childhood. I know from talking to David this afternoon that this is not the case with him. I encouraged my wife to think of this not as a definitive statement of David's life, but perhaps an opening round in a longer process. I really mean that and I think it helped her a bit.

I know that this is not turning into the inspiring and heartwarming story that many of you thought, but I don't think I can be happy about this. I see a lot of pain ahead for everyone. You might think I am hypocritical, or a traitor to the TG Cause, but I never signed up for any cause, and I certainly did not volunteer my son to be conscripted. I will do what I can to make him happy, but if happiness for him lies in another direction, I will be relieved.

Perhaps I will have different perspective tomorrow. Right now, I am completely wrung out, exhausted. I am going to go lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

Liz

[DanaR]

Liz,

This is completely new to your family. It will take a while for it to unwind. You're lucky that you have a lot of friends on the forum to talk to. Other families don't have these resources readily available.

[Eryn]

Liz, from what your son related, he is not all that sure of where he is on the spectrum, and the next few months or years will be spent figuring this out. He may well be deep in the pink fog and he needs time to sort things out for himself as much as you and your wife need time to do the same.

You are far from a "traitor to the cause." We're not an evangelical movement trying to get everyone to convert to being TG! What most of us want is for everyone to be happy expressing themselves as they wish. That is exactly what you are supporting.

Your wife's reaction is understandable. We all have expectations for our children and it distresses us when they chose a path different than the one we would like them to choose. In your son's case, the path is considerably different and it will take time for all of you to settle on a new norm.

Let us know what happens. We're here for you.

Hugs, Eryn.

[cdsara]

so I have been wondering if David crossdressed when younger or if all this is new? He says he wants to become female but not have SRS, I have to wonder if this is a finding myself thing that may change as he figures out who he,or she is. Not that I would ever be against someone changing themselves to become who they want to be to become happy. I just hope he doesn't make changes he will regret later in life. I just hope whatever path she chooses will make her Happy! good luck and keep us posted.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Elizabeth and your entire family,

I have read all the posts with interest and find from your responses that you have what is needed for Davina, LOVE!

Love and support for a family member is what will make all things fine. We all know that being Trans, or a CD is NOT something we wished for in life, but now that we recognize who and what we are we try and move forward hoping that those close to us will support who we are as individuals. Is this any different for your family?

I am sure your son will make his/her way through life managing this issue well because he is a brave individual. Coming out to you in the letter certainly shows you that, and it also says he loves you and is confident that you love him.

There will be a lot of discussion to come, and it will be interesting when the two of you will be open about your cross dressing. My advice is to make sure your wife realizes that being transgender or a CD is not something that is bad, it is different then most, but that doesn't make it bad.

I think your son will perhaps force some additional discussion to the family table. Maybe this is just what your family needs to have a better understanding of each other. I wish you all the very best as you learn about each other.


Jenny

[PretzelGirl]

I know that this is not turning into the inspiring and heartwarming story that many of you thought, but I don't think I can be happy about this. I see a lot of pain ahead for everyone. You might think I am hypocritical, or a traitor to the TG Cause, but I never signed up for any cause, and I certainly did not volunteer my son to be conscripted. I will do what I can to make him happy, but if happiness for him lies in another direction, I will be relieved.

I don't believe that anyone was expecting it to be a heartwarming made for TV type of thing. It sounds pretty much like one of the likely paths right now. But the fact that she doesn't want to have surgery and talked about the "spectrum" does raise the flag that she may not be TS and just may somewhere else and needs time to settle into a good realization of who he/she is. And don't knock your knowledge and understanding. You don't have to be TS to be understanding and supporting. That, more than anything, is likely what she is looking for from her parents and you are providing that. I hope your wife is able to come to terms with this. It isn't expected to be an easy road. You have my best wishes!

[ReineD]

I know that this is not turning into the inspiring and heartwarming story that many of you thought, but I don't think I can be happy about this. I see a lot of pain ahead for everyone. You might think I am hypocritical, or a traitor to the TG Cause, but I never signed up for any cause, and I certainly did not volunteer my son to be conscripted. I will do what I can to make him happy, but if happiness for him lies in another direction, I will be relieved.

At one point, she cried and said, "I wanted him to be a father."

Your story is heartwarming because it is honest and free of judgment. The TSs on this board will be the first to tell you that a life as a TS is hard, and as a parent I don't think anyone will blame you for wishing an easier path for your son.

:love:

If he has a girlfriend who accepts gender non-conformity, it may well be that he is lost in a pink fog over the prospect of expressing his femininity, especially since he did not yearn to be a girl as a child. I am glad that he is not considering SRS in the immediate future but will instead give himself time to explore his gender fully.

Your wife is having a very natural reaction. She is grieving her son. But, even if it ends up that your son is TS, he can preserve his sperm for later use should he choose to begin HRT. I gather this is not unheard of within the TS community. If one of my sons were to tell me he wanted to transition, as much as I love him and support the concept it would still be hugely difficult for me to begin thinking of him as a woman and I would also grieve the loss of my little boy (they're always our little boys, no matter how old they are). But, I also know that eventually it all would fall into place and it would just be a matter of time before I would embrace him as a daughter, even if it took a few years.

My heart goes out to all of you but I also sense that you will all get through this and find peace, no matter the outcome. I can't tell you how much I admire the way that you are all handling this.

[Sally24]

But, even if it ends up that your son is TS, he can preserve his sperm for later use should he choose to begin HRT. I gather this is not unheard of within the TS community.

Good point Reine, parenthood doesn't have to be tied to her gender.


I told my wife that there are people, including me, that come to this as adults, but that it is my impression that almost all true transexuals have felt that they were so from childhood. I know from talking to David this afternoon that this is not the case with him.

It's not unusual for even TS people to come to terms with it in adulthood. I know that had I explored my gender in my 20's, with the society and technology that we have now, I would likely have considered transitioning.
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Regardless, I think she is very lucky to have a parent to have some knowledge and resources to help her. Think of all the posts we've seen from young TS girls that have tried to tell their parents only to be rejected and offered no support. Your son must be very relieved at this point. And being young, it doesn't have to be so hard for her, whatever her choice turns out to be. Most of the problems that many of us talk about have to do with changing our whole life after living half of it. Your son is at a very good place to determine what she wants for the rest of her life. Life is hard for everyone, it's not something you as a parent can change. No matter how much you want to......;

Good luck and keep us updated!

[Alberta_Pat]

Hi Liz;

This is indeed a touching situation. I wish both you and your Wife an easy transition to the "new reality".

Your offspring is in a tough place right now. I am sure that it won't take long before Davinia/David finds this site. This may already have happened, and your "secret" will be out. Are you ready for this?

I can only hope that you two have a happy Mother-Daughter experience some day soon.

Hugs;

Pat

[wisealbert]

Best of luck, this sounds like it'll take some time to get used to but when everything finally works itself out you will be happier and stronger than before.

[Barbra P]

Hi Elizabeth

A couple of thoughts that reading through this thread I have not seen come up.

What of your other daughter? I’m assuming she is older than David from the wording in the letter. Depending on her take and acceptance on all of this she could be a tremendous help to both your Wife and David. How close a relationship does David have with his sister and is she likely to be supporting? It sure would be wonderful if they are close and she supports him and she might be a comforting influence for your Wife as well.

Your mention of the “Pink Fog” and the possibility that David may be moving too fast and wrapped in the euphoria of the Pink Fog is exactly why there are guidelines that Doctors, Therapists, and Hospitals follow. A number of medical personnel are going to get involved, one or more Therapists, hopefully an Endocrinologist for the HRT, certainly a Surgeon if SRS is elected, and Pink Fog euphoria is not likely to pass the scrutiny. The Standards of Care (SOC) outlined by WPATH have recently changed and it may be somewhat easier to obtain HRT and SRS (GRS). However I think you will find that the medical profession is still very cautious when it comes to HRT and especially SRS. WPATH’s requirement for one year of RLE (Real Life Experience) prior to SRS is more flexible now, however many Surgeons, Therapists, and Medical Centers may still require it due to liability concerns.