Lex
01-08-2012, 11:42 AM
It's been a long time since I've been here. Years, if memory serves.
It's funny, when I was what, sixteen? this forum was a very important part of my life. The people here made me feel accepted and were such a great source of support and solidarity. There was no doubt in my mind that I was a guy in the wrong body. It was hard, but there were people here who shared this situation, or similar situations, with me.
And now...Now I am twenty-three. Now I think of myself as a woman. Now I am happy as a woman. Although, even now, those words are not typed easily. My fingers hesitate. My mind resists. I can't help but feel that I have betrayed my younger self. How could I accept what was once unacceptable?
I don't understand. How could I feel so male and then so female? How did I slide across the spectrum like this? And will I ever slide back?
On one hand I am content. It feels so much easier to not fight my body the way I once did. This path will not cause me to lose my family. This path will not cause as many problems.
But on the other hand...I can feel my younger self, staring at me, through time, trying to figure out who I am. Trying to realize where he went wrong.
It's funny, when I was what, sixteen? this forum was a very important part of my life. The people here made me feel accepted and were such a great source of support and solidarity. There was no doubt in my mind that I was a guy in the wrong body. It was hard, but there were people here who shared this situation, or similar situations, with me.
And now...Now I am twenty-three. Now I think of myself as a woman. Now I am happy as a woman. Although, even now, those words are not typed easily. My fingers hesitate. My mind resists. I can't help but feel that I have betrayed my younger self. How could I accept what was once unacceptable?
I don't understand. How could I feel so male and then so female? How did I slide across the spectrum like this? And will I ever slide back?
On one hand I am content. It feels so much easier to not fight my body the way I once did. This path will not cause me to lose my family. This path will not cause as many problems.
But on the other hand...I can feel my younger self, staring at me, through time, trying to figure out who I am. Trying to realize where he went wrong.