Is this really worth it?

[stephiny10]

As I sit here I wonder if this life is really worth the trouble that it creates. Today I realized that my wife of 33 years will never accept my way of living and leave me with her will follow my daughter,and two grandkids,also lost will be the house so I'll be alone for the first time in my life. I have no other family and few friends to lean on. So ask again is this life worth it?

[Felicity71]

I guess youve answered that question yourself, by what your stating.

[RenneB]

I feel for your Stephiny as that is the reason that I'm not out to anyone 'cept here. Oh the SO and I have had a few brushes with stuff that Renne has left out but it was just enough to get her view of "no effin way" is this going to be her life. So I pack up Renne and come out when the coast is clear.

Is it worth it being born this way? I have lived "this way" my entire life with a female brain in a male's body so I don't know any different. I do know that I like myself and that sure I'd probably do things different if I had a chance to do it all over again, but that's the past and all I can do is look to the future as it hasn't happened yet....

Renne.....

[Katesback]

Sometimes the realities of life do hit you hard. Based on you saying your married 33 years I have to suspect your in your 60s. I hate to say this but youve consumed a huge chunk of your life and lets say you decide to transition, you have missed out on a lot of what a younger woman would experience. Also from my obersvations the older the person is that transitions the more likely thier presentation will not be very seamless. Meaning that a lot of the older transitioners dont assimilate as well as the younger ones. Of course you could be an exception.

I can see where not transitioning would make sense in your situation. Also your right in your wife not accepting you. If I was married to a man for 33 years and he said one day he is a girl and wanted to transition I would say have a nice life and move on. Painful as it is thats life.

[sandra-leigh]

Some of us put other people and things - including family relationships and obligations - before our own personal needs, and that is much to be admired. There is a great deal of courage in that course of action.

These days, I have one doctor plus a life therapist plus a gender therapist plus a massage therapist plus a physiotherapist plus a wife plus a mother, all telling me that I put other people too much ahead of my personal needs, and that I need to take care of myself first. My back and neck are having non-trivial problems, and I fear that I left them too long, that I ignored my personal needs to the point of damaging myself physically. (So what do I do about it? I use the computer all day helping other people instead of doing my physio exercises :sad: ) There should be limits to how much one does for other people; I hope I manage to balance out to those limits before it is too late.

With my active gender dysphoria, I was Not A Happy Camper. Active serious depression that left me unable to do much. I suspect that without HRT, I would have ended up taking disability leave for a few years to try to recover myself... maybe even checked myself in for lack of better idea. Not a help to my (already stressed) wife: a burden instead. I had a hope that HRT would make me feel better, so I could at least be "human" again, even if it meant not being the "man of the house" anymore. It worked, by and large. I'm certainly not back to "100%" (e.g., it took me 3 weeks to do the fridge cleaning I had promised myself I would do.) I needed to transition (relative to where I was) in order to be any good to anyone.

[arbon]

For a lot of people it is a incredibly high price.....I have known some people that went through crap I can't imagine and I pray I don't have to pay the costs they did. I have questioned if it was worth it for them. I question if it is worth it for me! but on the other hand I know how hard and painful it is trying to live a life as a man (or woman) when you are not. If there was no chance of transition, have to live the rest of my life as a man- can't do it! No easy way out

[Jorja]

Is it worth it? That depends. For me I have to say, yes it was worth losing everything and everyone in my life to become the woman I am. If I had not done it, I would not be here today. Three attempts at taking my own life I was starting to get pretty good at it. The last one nearly did it for me. All that has been behind me for many years now and I am so glad that I am here to tell about it. As for the people and things I lost because of my choices, the people are all back in my life except one and he knows I am willing to talk if he is. Money and possessions far exceed what I ever thought I would have.

So it depends on what you need and want for yourself. Only you can make those decisions.

[Stephenie S]

Those who actually do transition HAVE to be ready to lose everything.

Does that sound familiar? It should. I have been saying those very words on this very forum for more than a few years.

Now does that mean that everyone loses everything? Of course not. But unless you are prepared to lose everything, you should not think about transitioning.

"Oh. I can't transition if it would hurt my wife."

"Oh, I can't transition because I would lose my job."

"Oh, I can't transition because I would lose my friends and family."

You're right. You can't transition. Stop thinking about it.

S

[RachelReaper]

I can’t offer the answer, but I can tell you that I am in a similar situation. In 2011, my wife of 30 years, along with my son and daughter, moved away from me after we sold our home. Now I am living alone for the first time in my life. Despite my pleading and willingness to make a personal sacrifice, my wife wished me well and she decided to move on without me in her life. I found myself asking a similar question as I looked toward a new horizon, but I realized that it’s impossible to answer the question until you are on the other side. Recently, I stopped asking the question.

[LeaP]

Life is worth exactly what you think it is. A trans website I recently read through, though, had an interesting perspective on sunk costs. The gist of it was that sunk cost (your life to-date) is irrelevant to making decisions about direction. Your choice is whether it is better to hang on (emotionally) to what you have had or opt for something that you actually want. Hopefully, that answer is obvious, as your past life is dissolving rapidly. Put another way: do you want to remain miserable simply because you have invested so much in your past life, despite the fact that it left you miserable!?

Ignore the ageist comments. First, while I actually agree that as a general statement that age degrades passability because of the number of years drenched in T, you are not an average. Deal with your personal passability issues, if you even care. Second, you may easily have decades of activity ahead of you. An older transitioner also has some advantages over the younger, who have to deal with such things as employment discrimination. Last, as Stephanie S. put it so well, transitioners always have to be prepared to lose everything, and that has nothing to do with age.

There's a lovely account in the journals section of the forum recounting the experience of an older transitioner.

Live with hope.

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea is right....sunk costs are ALWAYS irrelevant to a financial decisions..

However, I would not look at investments in relationships as sunk..

I have a different perspective than Kate on your age...altho some of the benefits of transitioning young are not in your reach..your age allows a freedom to blend in EASIER because no one really looks to closely at us as we get older...also if you are close to retirement, that gives you alot of lifestyle flexibility in how you manage your new life...

As far as your family, i have a colder more pragmatic view...ALL of us have to try our best to bring our families along, and depending on all the various factors of life in general, we risk losing each family member..
only you can say how much the GID is troubling you, and how recently it became such a big factor in your life....i know i made it about 16 years before it hit me...it wasn't that i was courageous, it was that i was winning the battle against knowing myself..

You can't change who you are...IT IS WORTH IT TO LIVE, and it is worth it to know yourself......
Also, you simply cannot say all the bad things you lay out will happen...things change, people adapt, people that love you go away and come back...no one can take your house away from you!! even in nasty divorces assets are split...
These things you are saying are out of your despair and not the reality (altho we all know there is a risk they do happen)...

[Katesback]

Oh and I meant to say in my post but then I saw Stephanie say it so you will see it twice. If you come to the conclusion its not worth it GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Dont sit around and moap, dont whine and complain, dont do the baby steps crap. Just live your live as a guy and make the best of it.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Stephiny,

When I transitioned five years ago I lost everything and everyone.

House, land, cars, toys, wife, family and job.

I purchased a handgun to kill myself with if I had failed at transition.

Faced with these choices I had to transition or be dead.

It sounds like you are at a crossroads.

This I fully understand.

I agree with Kate concerning transition or move on with your life with a male presentation.

Don't baby step anything, this results in nothing but years of pain followed by not transitioning.

If you are continually weighing loss due to transition versus staying as you are then do not do this!

Transition was worth it to me because I'm alive whereas if I didn't I would surely be dead.

After five plus years of full time I am just now beginning to mentally and financially heal from what I had to do.

Good luck to you.


Julia

[Kelsy]

So ask again is this life worth it?

Yes it is!!! And you know they will leave because???!!!
Personally There really was no other choice for me.
My Wife still supports me as does a large portion of my family.
My daughter will not talk to me and I am not allowed to see my
Grand children.But I have hope. There have been a lot of friends that accept me aswell
to my surprise!

You have to know what you are willing to risk! In fact you have to be willing to risk it all!
There is no half way and absolutely no return once you say the words!

Regret is deadly and you must be certain this is what you (have) to do!

But Good or Bad this life is worth it, no doubt!

Kelsy

[sandra-leigh]

If you come to the conclusion its not worth it GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. Dont sit around and moap, dont whine and complain, dont do the baby steps crap. Just live your live as a guy and make the best of it.

I do not agree with that: it is an implicit statement of the idea that gender is (or should be) binary, that one should be one or the other.

I do not know that I will ever be seriously wanting to go as far as SRS, even though living full-time female presentation feels to me like something I might want to do. But that does not mean that I should just live my life as a guy: my brain conflicts are sufficient that living as a "guy" is no longer feasible for me. My "baby steps" have taken me to full-time transgender -- because I needed to go that far to survive. If I find that I do not need to go as far as "transsexual" to survive, that does not mean that I should or could go back.

It is often said here, "Only transition if you need to." And for those who only need to go (e.g.) 80% ? You should not be telling them that they ought to find it in themselves "need" to do that other 20%, and you should not be telling them that if they don't feel they need to do the last 20% that they out to give it all up.

Now, trying to make peace with what one can do...yes, excellent idea.