A myriad of emotions

[Asako]

Have you ever listened to a song that was absolutely haunting? Something that started a chain of thoughts that led you to realizing something? I don't know how many of you are "connected" to music like I am. It can affect my moods some. It can relieve stress. Some songs can even lead me into an introspective state where things suddenly become clear. This time, it led to why I seem to be unable to cry and possibly the source of why I drift through days without noticing the passing of time.

The thoughts in my head drifted towards old memories which led to new trains of thought. These are thoughts that crossed my mind while listening a haunting set of songs.

A little over a year ago. I dressed almost daily. I wore my forms with adhesive and it felt amazing. It felt like me. When I would wake up in the morning, they were right there. It put a smile on my face. Sure, dressing often sometimes caused me to lose sleep but it was the expressing of "me" that kept me up. That kept me from losing to the stress, depression, and anxiety of being unable to find a therapist in my area. At one point, I had started under dressing little by little.

Then, I just stopped. I stopped it all. I don't know why. I have a theory though. A part of me wants to cling to the "male identity". It wants to cling to the safety and security of an established and accepted life. How many times do posts spring up about such things here? Sometimes, all too often.

I want to be free, more than anything, from the walls I have built up around my heart to shut in any feelings that may threaten that "life". Yet, the walls are so numerous that I seem to have lost touch with the majority of my emotions. What does that leave? In my case, an empty heart full with pain from a source that I can't identify. Even when my eyes well up, tears don't fall. I need that release.

If locking my true feelings, emotions as well, away was a subconscious attempt to "live as I was born" and be "the strong man" people expect of me, then to Hell with that attempt. There are a ton of things I used to enjoy doing until that attempt.

I played music I could sing, with a slightly feminine voice quality no less! I enjoyed playing drums for hours on end. Sometimes, I would play for 12 hours or more and end up sore enough to hardly be able to walk or move around because I enjoyed it so much. While I didn't put forth much effort at the time, I was even trying to learn how to play my guitar off and on. Programming came with ease since I can switch between concrete and abstract thinking. Sure, some of the basics in C++ eluded me, like the purpose of header files, but it was fun to learn.

Now I sit here, realizing what I had done. Tears well up but they won't fall. The walls will come down, one by one, and with each one, I will be one step closer to being free as "me" on the inside. To me, that one of the greatest forms of happiness a person can obtain.

The reason why I posted my thoughts this time is a simple plea to the others here that are just starting on their journey, like me. Please don't lock away or ignore your true feelings. If you do, it won't make you happy.

These two songs coupled with a few old posts here started this whole train of thought.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AB6sOhQan9Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mvvFnR0kJFw

[Jorja]

Asako,
Understand this is only my opinion formed from what you have written here. I can only draw from my own experiences and admit, I do not know your full situation.

Yes, music can be very helpful in clearing ones mind or bringing back memories from the past. Some have made major breakthroughs because of music. Some have disastrous results trying to relive old memories brought back by music.

That being said, I think you need to have a serious talk with yourself. You need to be completely honest with yourself. What do you really want for yourself? What will it take for you to be a complete, “normal”, well adjusted, happy person in this life? What will it take to remove that heart full of pain and replace it with a happiness and joy you have never known? Only you and you alone can answer this.

You do not have to come to the answers to these questions all alone though. There is a wealth of information online these days. Be careful and make sure you are looking at good information. There is some out there that is false. There are doctors and therapist to let you know what is really possible and to help you discover the answers that are locked inside of you. Take full advantage of them before answering the questions.

You have three paths to follow. (A) Live the male life you were given (B) Become a woman (C) Remain where you are.

I can not give you much advice on living the male life. It did not work for me. I can tell you that transition to a woman is not easy. It is full of pitfalls, depression, and difficult times. Having SRS and FFS does not make you a woman. Being a woman is in your heart, soul, and mind. Appendages or the lack thereof are only the icing on the cake.
I think staying where you are at is out of the question. It appears to be tearing you apart.

Once you have made you decision, go all out to achieve your goal.

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

[ameliabee]

I was listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0ow4tGgZWk when I figured out I was a TS.

Good luck working out what you need to do. Granted, one month of hormones and starting permanent hair removal will make up your mind really quickly, but whatever works.

[Asako]

Understand this is only my opinion formed from what you have written here. I can only draw from my own experiences and admit, I do not know your full situation.Opinion or not, your thoughts are welcome. By the exchanging of experiences, we learn a funny little thing called "knowledge". As for my full situation, I doubt I could properly explain it even if we were sitting next to each other.




There are doctors and therapist to let you know what is really possible and to help you discover the answers that are locked inside of you. Take full advantage of them before answering the questions. This is but one of many topics that I will bring up with my therapist on the 19th. It is but 9 days away. Things like my "I HATE mirrors..." topic will also be brought up as well.




You have three paths to follow. (A) Live the male life you were given (B) Become a woman (C) Remain where you are.
(A):I nearly broke a bone in my hand as I nearly avoided a mental meltdown. (C):Read below.




I think staying where you are at is out of the question. It appears to be tearing you apart.

In the context of both sentences, it is. I can only move forward to whatever it is that awaits me at the next therapist appointment. Anything else will be more a slow end after a life of unhappiness. It is my opinion that a life of that nature is a life not worth experiencing. So, (C) isn't really any more of an option than (A). That leaves only (B) as an option.

I feel silly for typing this. I can't help but feel Morpheus(Matrix) was right. There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. I've barely even taken my first baby step.