I started my letter today

[KelleyG]

After joining this site and seeing all the great advise on how some of you came out and talked to your SO about your CDing I thought I would bring it up to my wife. I thought the letter ideal was a great one. I can say everything I want before the emotions kick in and I forget half of what I wanted to say. She already knows for the most part that I like to dress. (she has found some of my shoes in the past) but we never talked about it. I think if she knew how hard it is for me to keep suppressing these feelings she might be more supportive. (I hope). I'm going to take my time and say exactly what I want and then give it to her, maybe by the end of the week. I just know I can't go on "hiding" it any longer.
Kelley

[josee]

Once it is out you and your wife will be able to deal with the effects. There will possibly be turmoil but you will feel free from the lies.

[LeaP]

After joining this site and seeing all the great advise on how some of you came out and talked to your SO about your CDing I thought I would bring it up to my wife. I thought the letter ideal was a great one. I can say everything I want before the emotions kick in and I forget half of what I wanted to say. She already knows for the most part that I like to dress. (she has found some of my shoes in the past) but we never talked about it. I think if she knew how hard it is for me to keep suppressing these feelings she might be more supportive. (I hope). I'm going to take my time and say exactly what I want and then give it to her, maybe by the end of the week. I just know I can't go on "hiding" it any longer.
Kelley

There are those (I'm one) who advocate being completely open to your SO, others not so much. Your hope is just that, though it says something about your view of your wife's ability to empathize. GG's describe a wide range of feelings and reactions when their SO comes out, even when they also feel empathy. I think it's fair to say that most have some difficulty with it. At a minimum they have to come to understand, and that typically only goes so far.

I wish you well with the letter and also think it a good approach. I wouldn't worry about the emotions - let them flow. It's a typical male problem to describe what you are instead of who you are, and you need to connect with your wife on a very personal level.

Lea

[Renee W]

You might want to include in your letter the answer to some of the common questions that come up----

Are you gay?
Do you want to become a female?


I know there are more, just can't think of them this early.

[Kristy_K]

This site has also help me to come out. There is a lot of good information here and people are so willing to help. I hope everything goes well for you and that she will understand. You feel so much better not having to keep that hidden.

Good luck,
Kristy

[Pauline52]

Your letter is a big step. Your honesty will set you free. @ what price? It has been all worth it to me!!!!

[kimdl93]

Anyone remember the link to the "How to tell your SO" thread? It could be helpful in framing the letter.

[KelleyG]

You might want to include in your letter the answer to some of the common questions that come up----

Are you gay?
Do you want to become a female?


I know there are more, just can't think of them this early.

This is a great idea and something I will include.

[suchacutie]

I just want to mirror the thoughts of others that the more you can say to reassure her that your marriage is intact and will not be in an upheaval the better the letter. One other point that's not been mentioned: if you can, you might want to assure her that you are still her man when she needs you to be. Basically telling her that she comes first in your life.

Best wishes,
tina

[NicoleScott]

Just another angle on this: it's great to compose your letter, to organize your thoughts, and to make sure you leave nothing out that you want to say.
But.....
Not all of these comings out go as planned. Sometimes it is the beginning of the end. We have read about others who have come out and the wife says "quit or else I will out you". And then use the coming out letter and maybe some pics as leverage. Or use the leverage for a more favorable divorce settlement.
I hope not, but here's another reason not to write the letter: it may be viewed as cowardice. Got something to say? Tell her that you have a matter of importance to discuss with her without distractions, and allow her to choose the time and place.

[KelleyG]

You bring up some very good points Nicole, I would hope she would never do those things to me. Having been with her for 27 years I don't think she would, but I guess you never know. I think My main reason for the letter is to make sure I cover everything I want to with out leaving anything out. You have given me plenty to think about.
Kelley

[DonnaT]

Best wishes on a positive outcome, Kelley!

[Jenny Doolittle]

I wish you and your wife the best Kelly,

I also used the letter method to organize and relay my thoughts to my wife. I can still remember how much I was shaking when I left it on her pillow and the fear of her response until the next morning when we talked.

On that Morning I was so happy that the cat was out of the bag. As it turned out my wife had know all along. The one thing it did do is open up a new open line of communication between us. We are now closer then we ever had been in the previous 27 years of our marriage.

I must warn you that some questions will be asked that you did not anticipate, and quite honestly, may not know how or what to answer. That is what happened to me, and my resolve was to answer with honesty.

[Eryn]

I think that the letter is an excellent first step if you are present as she reads it. Tell her "I have something that has been bothering me and I didn't quite know how to talk about it so I put it in this letter that I hope you will read."

Note that I said "first step." The important stuff comes after she reads it, so you want to be sure that there will be at least a couple of hours of privacy ensured before you give her the letter.

Regarding pictures, I'd recommend that you have them ready, but don't show them to her until she says she wants to see them. That may not occur for some time.

[ReneeT]

Kelly, i applaud your efforts at honesty. That is essential (i know, i have the scars from a history of deceit with my wife to prove dishonesty is not the answer). One question that i guarantee will come up is,"do you want to become a woman?". If you have been married for 27 yrs i am guessing you are late 40's to early 50's, and have had a lot of time to think about this. Be as forthright as you can. If you don't know, say so. Remember, things can change. My wife constantly reminds meth that i once told her tha i would never transition. That was 2 years before i started hrt a yr ago....

As to the vehicle to deliver your news, i am all in favor of face to face. If a letter helps you to organize your thoughts and ensure completeness, fine, but give it to her and have her read it in your company. She is going to have LOTS of questions!

Good luck!

Renee

[AmarilloStephanie]

I certainly cannot speak for every one but coming out to my wife was one of the most freeing things I have ever done! I wish you all the best with this important event!

[KelleyG]

Kelly, i applaud your efforts at honesty. That is essential (i know, i have the scars from a history of deceit with my wife to prove dishonesty is not the answer). One question that i guarantee will come up is,"do you want to become a woman?". If you have been married for 27 yrs i am guessing you are late 40's to early 50's, and have had a lot of time to think about this. Be as forthright as you can. If you don't know, say so. Remember, things can change. My wife constantly reminds meth that i once told her tha i would never transition. That was 2 years before i started hrt a yr ago....

As to the vehicle to deliver your news, i am all in favor of face to face. If a letter helps you to organize your thoughts and ensure completeness, fine, but give it to her and have her read it in your company. She is going to have LOTS of questions!

Good luck!

Renee

We started dating in High School and have been together for 27 years, married for 21 of them, I'm 44 and yes I have giving that question some great thought and the truth is I'm not sure. I was going to hand her the letter in person so she could read it with me there.

Thank you so much for the advise.

[KelleyG]

I certainly cannot speak for every one but coming out to my wife was one of the most freeing things I have ever done! I wish you all the best with this important event!

I feel this could be the case for me as well

[Kelli Ca]

all my best wishes and prayers are with you and yours. this is a big step that will change your life keep us posted

[cindy777]

This was not an easy discussion between myself and my wife when I finally told her. In the end no matter which way it turned out for me, I had to tell her as it was killing me. When you do decide to tell her, try to be nice and thoughtful during the day, as well only tell your wife when she is in a good mood.

Best of Luck Kelly, I will be thinking of you.

Cindy

[PretzelGirl]

Anyone remember the link to the "How to tell your SO" thread? It could be helpful in framing the letter.

Here it is Kim:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

Best of luck to you Kelley! Keep everything positive.

[Barbara Ella]

Writing the letter is good, and the items mentioned here to include are musts. If you cant rehearse the letter and deliver it verbally, you really should be present when she reads it, and open the discussion that the letter is there only because youi do not want to forget to say something that might be important. She should feel free to stop and ask questions at any time, and you better have a quick honest answer.

Be prepared for hurt feelings, even if she is accepting, as this will be new to her, and she will feel threatened no matter how well you write the letter. She is going to need time to process this. Dont expect to get final answers right away. Dont expect the answers to be the same from evening to morning. Dont push her, she must proceed at her own pace with her own questions, dont push her for more questions than she asks.

You are there to be the man she married. That is what she has in her mind, and you are challenging that thought, and it is a deeply held thought that may be the base of her world. Reassure her that you will be there, being as honest as you can be. Now is not the time to be thinking about your future. Your future is frozen in time for this instant, Nothing discussed should be about yourself right now.

Just love her. It can turn ok, but it will be rough, and it might not be over for awhile.

Babes

[QZ2]

There was a lot of discussion on a letter I planned to give to my wife. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?28758-A-Letter-to-my-wife&highlight= Maybe some help there.

Suzie

[dominique]

When my wife found out I wasn't prepared for what happened. A few days went by and I put all my emotions into that letter and it was easier for me to express them in that media. Also it gave my wife a better insight to what had happened and my justification of my feelings as to the need to why I dress.

[Shari]

I have to agree with Nicole on this one.
Better that you make up an outline of all you want to tell her and talk to her face to face. It is a cowardly and impersonal way to tell her something so personal and marriage threatening.
What will happen to the letter when she's done reading it? Who else might see it?
I think you're setting yourself up for a fall. be very, very careful.

[linda allen]

I have to agree with Nicole on this one.
Better that you make up an outline of all you want to tell her and talk to her face to face. It is a cowardly and impersonal way to tell her something so personal and marriage threatening.
What will happen to the letter when she's done reading it? Who else might see it?
I think you're setting yourself up for a fall. be very, very careful.
I'm not really in a position to give advice on this, but the point about the letter is well taken. You don't want it to be "exhibit A" in divorce court.

I remember once when someone wrote me a very personal and incriminating letter. She became really concerned when I kept it and asked for it back. Then she took it to the mall, tore it up, and threw the pieces in different trash cans (this was before everyone had their own personal document shreader).

[NicoleScott]

If you cant rehearse the letter and deliver it verbally, you really should be present when she reads it, and open the discussion that the letter is there only because youi do not want to forget to say something that might be important.

Yes, exactly. The letter should be a way to begin the discussion, and doesn't have to answer all the anticipated questions. Anyway, as others have said, you can't anticipate all the questions she might have.

[KelleyG]

Last night I sat down with my wife and told her everything. I decided not to give her a letter, but instead use it for myself as key points to discuss. It went flawless, as expected she already knew and said that she was happy that I was able to Finley come to terms with who I am and talk about it with her. She said it wont be easy for her (actually seeing me dress)but loves me still the same. I am defiantly going to take it slow and ease into it around her. I don't want to have the "green Light" scenario and throw it all on her at once and freak her out. It was a great day today, nothing could put me in a bad mood. Just being able to keep my close and shoes in my own closet... ha :) is an awesome feeling. We shell see where the journey takes us.

I really want to thank everyone who commented on this thread and offered up your great advice. It really helped me out. Thank you so much!

Kelley

[josee]

Glad to hear that it went well. Feels pretty good dosen't it?
Sounds like you are on your way.

[BRANDYJ]

Hi KellyJ. First, welcome to the best Site on the net for anyone dealing with what it is we do. I am also in SW Florida. I wish you well in telling your wife. I would think by now you have a pretty good idea how she feels about any alternate lifestyle, how liberal, judgmental or non-judge mental she is. Only you know how she feels about anything considered taboo in the mainstream. So draw from your knowing her and think how she may accept this news from you. What I'm trying to say is you know if she is a prude or anti gay or whatever other lifestyle she has perhaps commented on with you.
I have had 2 past wives that I told and now an SO that fulling accepts, supports and even enjoys my being a CD. I remembertellingg my first wife. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But that was back before a world of information was available, thanks to the Internet. Yes, she was shocked, worried and afraidI wantedd to become a woman or that I was gay. Many open talks and a few weeks she was ready to acceptthisd part of me and even suggested going out to buy a dress for me. So even though there may bea periodd of uncertainty for your wife, she might come around. You have been together for a long time, so handled right, assuming the love is there, you are risking very little if you show love and compassion for her if her first reaction is not good. assuming you have a strong bond, a little thing like crossdressing should not break that bond.
If you want to talk let me know. If I can offer any help, I'd be glad to do it via phone or a personal meeting as two guys. Always nice to meet new friends in our area.

EDIT: Just saw your post that you posted while I was writing this. Congradulations! I am really happy it went so well for you. It can only get better as time goes by. Go at her pace and avoid that dreaded "pink fog" and acting like a kid in a candy store that happens to some once they feel liberated by telling a loved one. I sincerely wish you well. Perhaps like many of us here, the bond and love grows stronger then ever before.