Overcoming fears

[kimdl93]

Over the past few months, I've gone from being largely confined to my house and back yard, to going out in public and coming out to friends, neighbors and family.

Part of the process of coming out is dealing with one's justifiable fears - the potential for rejection, ridicule or hostility. These are very real barriers to living openly as a CDr. So, I'd like to offer a few thoughts on what has helped me overcome these barriers of fear.

First, I think its a matter of simple physics - where the force of desire overcomes the inertia of fear. Over time I've grown to feel imprisoned in being only able to dress at home. I'll admit being somewhat envious of others on this site who clearly enjoyed experiencing life on the outside. At some point last July, the desire to get out overcame my fear.

Growing confidence in one's presentation certainly helps. Like many of us, I've spent several years learning basic make up skills, assembling a wardrobe that seems age and situation appropriate, and practicing (living) life en femme. I've grown confident that I can present at least some level of femininity in my appearance and mannerism. Again, the tips and examples of others on this site has helped immensely.

And finally, those first signs of acceptance have helped immeasurably. My wife was comfortable enough with me to invite a neighbor lady for a glass of wine - without telling me first. Once I recovered from that first momentary shock, I realized that there was less to fear from exposure to others than I'd imagined. Later, drawing on that experience, I was able to come out to my adult step-daughter, with a similarly positive result. So, if family members and others familiar with me were able to accept me, what had I to fear from strangers. I realized that so long as I go about my business and conduct myself in a civil and respectful manner, there seemed litte need for fear. And that has been the case.

Today, I can walk through my own neighborhood en femme with a good deal of confidence in myself and in the people I meet. Those old fears are still there to some degree, but far less powerful. And an object in motion tends to stay in motion. So, I hope, it will remain with me.

[meganmartin]

I think these feelings are normal; we all have been rejected in our lives one way or another. Fear of rejection is very common and valid. for me i keep pushing the envelope and face that fear head on....
But it does not come easy and or without internal conflict.

Best of luck to you girl....

PS one of my biggest fears was to get my picture with Santa, last month i did it.

[Anne2345]

Affirmatively choosing, and subsequently taking steps thereafter, to overcome one’s fears is not for the feint of heart. Regardless of the substance or merit of the fear, it is no trivial task. Thus, particularly in our group, support, positive reinforcement, and encouragement are instrumental in assisting the self in achieving one’s goals, whatever those goals may be.

The mere act of simply dressing en femme, thereby cutting across the grain of a largely uneducated, judgmental, and unforgiving society, is courageous in and of itself. Transgendered folk are to be commended simply for being themselves, even if only within the comfortable and safe confines of their closet. Likewise, for those desirous of forging a public femme persona, opening the closet doors and walking through, in the face of fear, takes bravery. :)

After all, we all suffer fear in one form or another. To overcome one’s fear is to take control of life, and to experience the magic and beauty of life under one’s own terms (within reason, of course). Kim’s story is a prime example of a success story in the making. There are plenty of success stories on this forum, and there will be more to come. Great job, and very well done, girlfriend!

[Marleena]

Well Kim the ladies like yourself make us other closeted girls want to try going out in public, I salute you!

The most common thing I see is confidence, it's becoming clear that attitude is everything. If you show you are comfortable being out and about others will be accepting. You are proving that.:)

[Diana Bain]

Kim I mirror your feelings. I too have evolved over the past nine months. I'm out to my family...my wife's best friend...as I write this my wife is sending pictures to her sister, including one of me as Diana. My wife told her all about Diana last month. I enjoy going out but I still have underlying fear (6'4" in 3" heels and linebacker shoulders) of strangers, though nothing has ever happened. I still have along way to go...also this forum has been wonderful...many have gone before us and I hope that many more will follow. Nice post Kim.

[Foxglove]

Thanks for your story, Kim. It's testimony like this that is giving me so much encouragement.

Annabelle

[PretzelGirl]

I am going to turn the confidence thing a little sideways. I think a positive outlook is one of the ways to really have a great time. Who would you interact with? The person sulking around and hugging the walls or the person right in front of everyone with a glowing smile and kind greetings? People love happy people but the quiet ones that seem to avoid others become targets. Think about who the bullies went after in school and it lines up with the same theory. Knock 'em dead!

[DanaR]

I am going to turn the confidence thing a little sideways. I think a positive outlook is one of the ways to really have a great time. Who would you interact with? The person sulking around and hugging the walls or the person right in front of everyone with a glowing smile and kind greetings? People love happy people but the quiet ones that seem to avoid others become targets. Think about who the bullies went after in school and it lines up with the same theory. Knock 'em dead!
Sue, I have to agree. Even if you are out, and appear that you are scared, others around will pickup on it. But if you are happy and having a good time, most will probably not even notice you except that you were happy.

[NathalieX66]

kKim, the best way to overcome fear is to go out en femme to places that are not near where you live. That way no one knows you, and there are no repercussions. If you get clocked, they will never see you again. That's the safest bet.
I only worry about my next door neighbor and my employer........everything else I don't care.

[AnitaH]

Kim, thank you for your words. I've not been out much but it seems to me that confidence and self-assurance can take a girl a long way.

AnitaH

[Wendy_Marie]

I like your term and use of Justifiable fear as I believe this to be a key to gaining such confidence....Yes there are things in this world to be feared...the answer is not to commit yourself to a lifelong sentence being confined inside of four walls....but to be as prepared for these feared events before they ever become an actual problem. I myslef do not ever go anywhere that any genetic female wouldn't go and feel safe. I got over the whole Bar Scene many years ago but still manage with evermore frequency to live my life enfemme going out and about at will now and without fear.
I still maintain that it is safer to go to the mall or a crowded venue for a first ever trip out than it is to take a midnight stroll in a deserted parking lot in the middle of the night....in my way ofthinking dealing with any embaressment which might arise from being spotted or found out is far more appealing than a trip to the E.R because someone caught you alone in an area where potential witnesses were scarce.

[Rachel Morley]

First, I think its a matter of simple physics - where the force of desire overcomes the inertia of fear.

Growing confidence in one's presentation certainly helps.

And finally, those first signs of acceptance have helped immeasurably.
I totally agree with these quotes! You have a great attitude and presence of mind. Keep it up girlfriend! :hugs:

[Cynthia Anne]

Kim, I can always find encouragement in your words! This time is no exception! Although I am ''out'' I still embrace the uplift you provide! Thank you! Hugs!

[vivianann]

I can really appreciate your explanation of overcome our fears going out of the house enfemme. You hit the nail on the head precisely. Overcoming the inertia of our fears is the best way to describe what it is like to overcome the fears of leaving the house enfemme.
It has been 6 years since I have overcome the inertia of my fears, now I am riding on the inertia of my freedom and confidence to dress enfemme in public. At first I was surprised by the acceptance of my friends and some of my family and most peaple I have encountered when out enfemme. Thanks for this thread because I believe this may help some of our fellow crossdressing friends to overcome their fears.

[Amanda22]

What a wonderful post, Kim. You very accurately summarized what it is like for me. My wife coaches me when she sees me lose confidence as we're stepping out of our car in front of a restaurant, store, etc. She says, "You're a tall, pretty woman! If anyone looks at you, it's because that's what they're seeing! Head high, shoulders back, smile, and get used to it!"

And you know what I'm going to say next, don't you? She's completely right! Either out with my wife or out alone shopping, dining, at the park, or whatever, I have only had very good experiences. When I am noticed, I'm overwhelmingly validated with quite positive responses. The most negative reaction I've had was a teenage girl snickering at me in the checkout line of the grocery. It was good for her to see first hand that not everyone is vanilla in this world, I say :)

My fears are always so overblown. A couple of months ago, my wife and I were enjoying a women-only event at the local museum. There were booths oriented to goods and services of interest to women, along with snacks and wine. We were having a great time when she noticed two of her professional colleagues arrive across the way. These friends of hers do not know Mandy. She hops up from her chair and says very casually that she's going to say "hi" and invite them over to our table! I was petrified. The three of them came back to our table and the most beautiful thing happened. Although I knew them well as my male self, my wife introduced them to me and they each introduced themselves to me as though we were meeting for the very first time! What validation and a supreme example of respect and understanding! These women are absolute treasures. We have made plans to go out together as girlfriends to make jewelry at one of the vendor's shops.

I'm rambling now, so I'll end. Thanks for one of the best posts I've had the pleasure to read on this forum.

[Nichola]

Sounds like you're carrying yourself really well Kim & that you have a great deal of acceptance around you. Great post:)

[ReineD]

Congratulations Kim, I'm very happy for you! :)

You mention the process of overcoming barriers. I'd like to mention another, and this is working for yourself as opposed to being an employee (or being independently wealthy and not having to work at all :)). My SO does go out in public and has done so for years now, several times per week. But, she does not go out in her neighborhood. She will not chance jeopardizing her job. Thankfully, she is happy to have found a way to have both worlds: expressing herself at will, and not compromising the other aspects of her life.

Another barrier to overcome (if a person is not willing to go out in the next town over) might be to change Church affiliations if the family is in a conservative Church. Or perhaps move from a small, intolerant town, to an urban area where there are accepting people. Also, the children's ages form a barrier that might be difficult to remove if they are school age.

I don't mean to put a downer on your post, just want to point out that it is easier for a CDer to express herself publicly if she is self-employed with no small children at home, and she is not involved with conservative friends and Church members.

Having said this, if a person is TS then even the smallest compromise is intolerable and there is no choice but to remove all the barriers.

[linda allen]

Kim, thanks for posting that. It makes a lot of sense. And I hope to be in your position someday.

[Kristy_K]

That was a very nice post Kim. I am really happy for you.

Hugs,
Kristy

[kimdl93]

Congratulations Kim, I'm very happy for you! :)

You mention the process of overcoming barriers. I'd like to mention another, and this is working for yourself as opposed to being an employee (or being independently wealthy and not having to work at all :)). My SO does go out in public and has done so for years now, several times per week. But, she does not go out in her neighborhood. She will not chance jeopardizing her job. Thankfully, she is happy to have found a way to have both worlds: expressing herself at will, and not compromising the other aspects of her life.

Another barrier to overcome (if a person is not willing to go out in the next town over) might be to change Church affiliations if the family is in a conservative Church. Or perhaps move from a small, intolerant town, to an urban area where there are accepting people. Also, the children's ages form a barrier that might be difficult to remove if they are school age.

I don't mean to put a downer on your post, just want to point out that it is easier for a CDer to express herself publicly if she is self-employed with no small children at home, and she is not involved with conservative friends and Church members.

Having said this, if a person is TS then even the smallest compromise is intolerable and there is no choice but to remove all the barriers.

I agree with everything you've said, Reine. Its much easier for me. My wife is very supportive, for starters. And I am at a point in my life that I can enjoy a good deal more freedom that many...being self employed and (finally) having an empty nest certainly make it easier. Professionally, I still have to maintain a male presentation, but fortunately those days are relatively infrequent. And being a transplant to Houston gives me a greater degree anonymity - basically I have less to lose than many others. And being a lapsed Lutheran and moderate/liberal leaning, I don't have to deal with those constraints.

Thanks to everyone who read or commented. I hesitated to post these observations, but did after some prodding. My hesitation was that I don't want people to feel that I'm advocating coming out nor bragging about my life. I'm very aware of how difficult this all can be and how many real barriers we all face.

[larry]

Hi.It is this kind of thread that scares the ---- out of me. I am in the closet which resides IN the closet. Every time I
read this kind of stuff I begin to waiver a little more. hehehe Thanks

[DanaR]

My SO does go out in public and has done so for years now, several times per week. But, she does not go out in her neighborhood. She will not chance jeopardizing her job.

This is what Ive always done as as well.

Years ago I worked with this guy that would always say to some of us, if we were starting or working on a project that was stalled at where to start or continue, and he would be laughing while saying to you, "god hates a coward". That was always enough to get me going and I would then usually be smiling.

[Laura912]

There is a deep, driving hunger to do what you have done. It could even be number one on a bucket list. Whether that appetite can be satisfied is quite uncertain. It will require that my wife can convince me that when the public sees Laura, they will not run screaming, that they will not form a lynch mob, that the family reputation will not be ruined, that they will not lock up the...you get the picture. Maybe going to another city for a weekend would be the solution. I'm a little bit jealous and admire you all who have followed in Kim's heels.
Laura

[DanaR]

There is a deep, driving hunger to do what you have done. It could even be number one on a bucket list. Whether that appetite can be satisfied is quite uncertain. It will require that my wife can convince me that when the public sees Laura, they will not run screaming, that they will not form a lynch mob, that the family reputation will not be ruined, that they will not lock up the...you get the picture. Maybe going to another city for a weekend would be the solution. I'm a little bit jealous and admire you all who have followed in Kim's heels.
Laura

One way to ensure that some of this doesn't happen is to not be where someone will know you, don't tell anyone your name and not be recognized because of someone that is associated with you. What the last part means, if you are out with your wife, friends will recognize your wife and then figure out who you are. That's why we always go away from where we live. I could go closer to home, but it is easier to lessen the chance of someone I know seeing me.

[kimdl93]

Really, the question of going out and coming out are rather closely related. If coming out poses serious problems for an individual, then I agree that going out in another town is a good option. For those in my situation, I guess i'm really coming out to my neighbors, so being recognized and getting past that first awkward moment is part of the process for me. So far, no lynch mobs, but I suppose that could change!

[Kathi Lake]

I think a positive outlook is one of the ways to really have a great time. Who would you interact with? The person sulking around and hugging the walls or the person right in front of everyone with a glowing smile and kind greetings?Yup. Totally! It is my attitude that disarms people, not my appearance, cause, you know, . . ewww. :) I am generally a happy person, and I think that reflects. When I dress and go out, I am having fun! People seem to respond to that. A friend at Ulta said once that I didn't give off, "The Spooky Vibe." She said that she had seen others come in, but they skulked around, didn't make eye contact, and generally had the vibe that they themselves thought they were doing something wrong. She said she would try to be professional and help them - if they didn't squeak and run away when she talked to them. :)

So Kim, you are totally correct in that fear can be our own worst enemy. Remember, though, that fear can be our friend as well. We're guys, and therefore not really that bright in some of the things we try to do. A little healthy fear can be a good thing, and maybe make us pause before doing something that we really shouldn't.

:)

Kathi

[kimdl93]

So Kim, you are totally correct in that fear can be our own worst enemy. Remember, though, that fear can be our friend as well. We're guys, and therefore not really that bright in some of the things we try to do. A little healthy fear can be a good thing, and maybe make us pause before doing something that we really shouldn't.

:)

Kathi

I totally agree, Kathi. There are things we might do impulsively that we cannot take back. So that step out into the world needs to be taken very seriously. Once one makes the choice to go out, then do so projecting genuine conviction, confidence and warmth.

[Persephone]

Awesome, Kim! You go, girl! And thanks for a great post! Well said!

Being with your spouse definitely raises the chances of your being recognized by folks who know both of you, but if you've had the courage to come out to friends then who cares?

Amanda posted a great example of an alternative, if it is someone who doesn't know, your spouse just introduces your girl self. After all, your girlself deserves friends too!

A former boss of mine taught me the formula, although he was using it for a different purpose, Competence, Confidence, and Caring.

As you wrote, first you have to become Competent with the basics - looking, moving, and acting as a woman; being a woman in all situations - and that Competence will give you Confidence to be who you are in the world.

In his formula, once you were Competent and Confident you reached the stage where you could be Caring towards others. In our case that may mean being so confident and poised that we can turn outward, open and listening to the needs and wants of others instead of only hearing our own fears.

Hugs,
Persephone.