Utterly Terrified

[Rachel Ann]

Tomorrow I come out to my son. He knows that I want to see him, but he doesn't know what it's about. At least my T will help explain this, I would surely screw it up if I did it on my own. (He doesn't know that's where we're going either.)

Why, and why now, is kinda involved so I will save that for later.

For now I am just grubbing for sympathy and well wishes. I'll let you know how it turns out. *shaking like a leaf on a tree*

Love

Rachel Ann xxx

[GypsyKaren]

I recently came out to one of my boys, he's 31 now. He listened as I explained it to him, and said he was cool with it, whatever works for me. i hope it goes well for you too.

GypsyKaren

[Veronica E. Scott]

I haven't told my kids yet maybe this Dec. they are all adults now wish you all the best.


Veronica

[Emily Ann Brown]

You don't have to grub for sympathy from me. I wish you great courage, but even more great calmness. I think I know a bit of how you are feeling. Do what you have decided you must and know we are here when you're done to listen and hug.


Emily Ann

[Jasmine Ellis]

Tomorrow I come out to my son. He knows that I want to see him, but he doesn't know what it's about. At least my T will help explain this, I would surely screw it up if I did it on my own. (He doesn't know that's where we're going either.)

Why, and why now, is kinda involved so I will save that for later.

For now I am just grubbing for sympathy and well wishes. I'll let you know how it turns out. *shaking like a leaf on a tree*

Love

Rachel Ann xxx
:doll: Oh I do wish you all the best love. It won't be easy I know, but I'll give you the :thumbsup: And a very good luck to you darling.
All my love and best wishes Jasminxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Sharon]

Good luck, Rachel, I know the emotions you are going through. If your son is anything like you, I'm sure everything will go well.:)

[Jonien]

Not an easy time I know and I pray all will be OK for you
I can only relate to my coming out to my son a very scary time but he was fine. told me he already knew when I asked him how he said I was always more like a Mum to him I now get hugs and kisses from him.
do let him know that he is not loosing you and you are still there for him even as an adult your kids are still your kids and still need that parental love and support

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_8_14.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZRxdm075YYNL)

[DonnaT]

Good luck and best wishes Rachel.

I told my son (27), and it turned out he already knew. He see me dressed all the time and is cool with it.

You might want to show him a picture like your Avatar. He may ask who it is, or you could ask him who it is. That will get the ball rolling.

[Stephanie Brooks]

Good luck Rachel Ann! I hope all goes well for you. *BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you, and lots of Good Karma your way.

[Shannon]

Best wishes for you Rachel. It is a courageous thing you are doing -- and you deserve to do courageous things for yourself.

[Wendy me]

good luck to you i do hope things turn out well ... that telling the ones near and dear to us is not easy to do ... i wish you well....

[Ellaine]

Hi Rachel At the risk of exposing my blondeness can I ask what "At least my T will help explain this" means?

Unfortunately, my Son, 24 when I told him, now 30, has has been both homophobic and racist since his teens. Knowing that, I refused to hide reality from my own. An egalitarian household did him little good. I can't disown him, even though he has all but disowned me. :(

I don't pray, but with ernest hope I'm thinking of you hon.:thumbsup:

Hugs Ellaine

[TGMarla]

[quote=Rachel Ann]

For now I am just grubbing for sympathy and well wishes.

Rachel Ann, honey, YOU'VE GOT IT!!!

[Holly]

Rachael, best wishes, honey. FWIW, I told my son this past Monday. He was disappointed I hadn't confided in him sooner. Hope your disclosure goes as well with your son.

[Tiffy]

Best of luck Rachel dear. I hope it all goes well.
Love, April

[Kim E]

Rachel ~
Wishing you the best. I hope nothing but positive comes out of this decision. Will be thinking of you. Good luck.

Big Hugs ~ Kim

[Julie York]

You have my sympathy and best wishes. No grubbing required.:thumbsup:

[Jenny Beth]

Best wishes on your decision to be open with your son. I think the odds are in your favour that he will be okay with it.

[urban gypsy]

My wife told my teenage son 2 months ago with out my knowledge, and things worked out alright.
You have all my best wishes and my heart will be with you.
But as you have decided to tell him I know things will be alright.

[BethCD]

Rachel, I've been contemplating doing the same with my kids.......I know how difficult yet neccesary this is for you. You are in my prayers, best of luck. Please report back to us.
:thumbsup: ;) Beth

[fanci]

I haven't gotten the courage to do it yet. please let us know how it works out

xxoo

Fanci

[Shelly Preston]

Best Wishes Honey

Hope it all goes to plan

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Good luck girlfriend! And just remember we're behind you all the way.

[trannied]

Rachel Anne

That is wonderful. Stay brave and then you may be able to let us know how it went.

Later you can tell us all how it felt, before during and after

Best wishes for you and him too.

trannied with hugs for you both

[Midnight_Minx]

^_^ Good luck! I've found that those of the younger generation (20-35 or so) seem to be much more open to this, and you never know -- maybe CDing has been a secret desire for your son too. ^_^

Luv

~Viv the Minx~

[trannied]

Rachel Ann
Me again... please do not misunderstand my wishes. They are good ones.
I meant that when it is all over, you will be so happy and able to share that happiness with us

Trannied

[Deena]

Wish I had your courage. Good luck!

Hugs,

Deena

[Phoebe Reece]

Good luck Rachel Ann. My kids both grew up with full knowledge of my crossdressing. They are adults now and I am still just "Daddy" no matter how I may be dressed. I hope it works out the same for you.

[Katrina]

Rachel Ann, good luck! I'm sure it will go well.

[Rachel Ann]

Hi Rachel At the risk of exposing my blondeness can I ask what "At least my T will help explain this" means?
Sorry, honey. "T" is psych lingo for "therapist", i.e. the psychologist who gives you talk therapy. The psychiatrist who writes prescriptions is referred to as your "pdoc".

Rachel xx

-----------------------------------------------------------

I am overwhelmed by the number of posts and the level of support, love and concern that I am getting here! God bless each and every one of you.

(Some of this is in Rick’s voice, sorry if that’s confusing.)

Preamble:

Well, the deed is done, and for the most part it went ok, I think. I’m sorry that I didn’t reply immediately. Getting down the narrative of what happened was easy, but finding words to express the emotional content of it was hard. As usual this is WAY too long and verbose but I didn’t want to spend another 3 days editing it.

The last couple of days were a little rough, since G (my son - I didn’t mention that he is 34, and a college student) wanted to cancel. I couldn’t tell him why it was important, but he does that a lot (or is hours late) because he’s juggling too much school and work. I had to put my foot down and say “just trust me this time and do this for me”. Of course the only real urgency was that I’ve been agonizing over this for months and wanted to get it over with before I lost my nerve.

In most cases I try to think whether coming out would be a disservice to the other person – it might put them through changes that they would find uncomfortable. But in G’s case, I knew that he was going to stumble across it eventually, so I wanted him to hear it from me first.

Doing this in my therapist’s office was *very* helpful. E is an excellent psychologist who has known me for over 10 years. She had a very calming influence on both of us as well as saying things that I forgot about that were important. I just *knew* that I would screw this up if I tried to do it by myself.

OK, here’s how it went down:

I told him that I absolutely needed him here by noon (an hour before the appointment) but he ended up getting here early, amazing me! We went to breakfast and I prepped him by saying that I needed to tell him something important and I wanted to do so in E’s office so that I didn’t botch it. I said that it first came up for me when he suggested that we get a place together, but was still relevant even if we don’t. I said that it was about me, not him.

Just to keep him from being utterly mystified, I said “I’m not gay, I’m not dying, I’m not a child molester and I haven’t joined some nut political or religious group. Will that hold you for an hour?”. He said that it would. I reiterated that he is the light of my life and I love him not just because he is my son but also because he includes me in his life and with his friends, and is willing to share very personal things with me.

He has a way of being extremely emotionally guarded in an obvious way (eyes downcast, holding hands in front of face, etc.) and this was one of those times.

E opened the session in a jovial way, talking about my journey in to a part of my life when I am finally discovering who I really am, and her pleasure in being part of that. She said how thrilled I was when he finally came back to me (after several years as a street junkie - I haven’t told everyone here that story) and how I love him more than I love my own life. (I did a “prodigal son” number on that and forewent ever giving him a bad time about all the heartache those years caused. I know that he already knew anyway.) She said that this was about my wanting him to know “who I really am”, and turned it over to me.

I began by telling him that I had kept this secret since before he was born, and asking if he knew what transgender means. Like many people, he thought that meant transsexual, so I gave him the headlines à la my coming out post at another forum. Then I talked for a little while about why I CD, and how, while integrating our personalities is the goal, I need to give Rachel time to spread her wings and develop a personality as strong as Rick’s first.

He was a bit slow to come up with questions, so E jumped in from time to time, asking how I first became aware of Rachel, and the evolution of all of this. (She already knew, but she wanted him to hear it.)

So far, he was still in “guarded, non-reactive” mode but then I handed him a copy of the eponymous post here, asking only that he look at this part:


Hi, nice to meet you all. I’ll try not to talk too much. So how do I fit in to Rick’s life?

Rick won’t let himself feel things, but I do.
Rick doesn’t know how to process emotions, but it’s second nature to me.
Rick doesn’t love himself, but we love each other, unconditionally.
Rick doesn’t believe in himself right now, but I believe in him.
Rick doesn’t know how to forgive, but I do.
Rick doesn’t know how to cry, but I do.
Rick forgets to pray some days, but I never do.
Rick is terrified of the future, but I have faith that together, we will get by.
Rick doesn’t think that it matters what he does or doesn’t do, but I know that it does.

Ultimately I can’t change him, that’s up to him – but I can do these things for him until he can.
He dropped his hands, raised his eyes, looked at me and said “Dad, I had no idea. That is SO SAD”.

He talked about how during those (just passed) three dark years he was afraid that I was going to commit suicide or become psychotic, or something. I said that Rachel had basically saved my life at that point – and continues to – and E chimed in to the same effect. Finally, I sensed him warming to Rachel a little.

I touched on physical safety issues a little, only to reassure him that I am taking all of the smart precautions. He wasn’t very worried about that because he knows that I am very street-smart (so is he, he learned it from me).

All he asked was that he not have to see me en femme. I think that this is completely reasonable and assured him of this. I also said that he would never have to deal with stockings drying in the bathroom or anything like that. And, I said that I wouldn’t bring this up again - I would wait for him to ask more questions when and if he has any.

I stressed that NOBODY in our tiny blood family or huge “extended family” (the folks we have Thanksgiving, Xmas and New Year’s with) knows about this, and I mean to keep it that way. He wondered whether I am planning to tell my sister (Ann, from whom I took my second name). I told him that I didn’t know yet but I certainly wasn’t going to tell her over the phone (she lives in Santa Monica).

The only negative moment was when he said that he was a little disappointed that I thought he would love me any less because of this. I told him that what I feared was not that but that he might think less of me. But his eyes said that he meant that, too.

At the end of the session, he gave me a huge hug and told me that he loves me. E beamed. I guess I did something right somewhere along the way.

I then gave him a ride in to SF so he wouldn’t be late for his class. We just talked about general stuff on the way. I can tell that he needs a few days to assimilate all of this. It’s sort of like taking a drink from a fire hose to get this much information all at once.

I came home through rush hour traffic relieved and content but utterly drained. I lay down at 5:30pm and didn’t wake up until 8:30pm!

I think I’ll stop here. I am waiving my usual policy of saving and sleeping on it before posting.

All my love to all of you. <3 <3 <3

Rachel Ann xx

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Wonderful news. I'm so proud of you.

[Shelly Preston]

Well Done
Judging by what you have said I think he will be ok.

I hope he comes back to ask a few questions.

I'm sure there was a lot of information he may not have completely absorbed.

Best Wishes

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hello Rachel Ann!

You did well. You raised a good son. I'm beaming for you. ^_^

May you have a good weekend to recover. Make sure you take care of yourself! That's a huge step for you, and too for him. You're no stranger to an evolving relationship with your son, and it's evolving again, but you already know that.

You remain in my thoughts, and I wish you and your son the best. I think you'll do fine.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* to you Rachel Ann!

[Franki Kate]

Rachel, a beautiful ending to a very beautiful beginning. Thank you so much for sharing such a special time in your personal relationship with your son.:angel:

[DonnaT]

Very nice Rachel.

[Sharon]

It sounds like it went wonderfully, Rachel, but I had confidence that your son had inherited enough of your own qualities that he would accept you with open arms. This doesn't mean that there isn't a lot he needs to think about, but his unwavering love for you will see you both through to an even closer (an honest) relationship in the future.

Dummy me, I never even thought about telling anyone with my therapist present!

[Jenny Beth]

Glad to hear that went well. He may not want to meet Rachel but in time that could change. Well done!

[Phoebe Reece]

Good job Rachel Ann! I know a huge weight has been lifted off you by this.

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi Rachel Ann,

It looks like all your careful and considerate planning worked out in the end.

Get your much needed rest so that you can continue to be the good Dad whom your son obviously loves and respects very much.

Hugs to you,

Missy Anne's GG

[Abby Lauren]

Thank you, Rachel Ann.
I am in the midst of deciding whether or not to open up to my adult kids. It won't just be my decision, though. My wife needs to be convinced that it would work out (not that I don't need more convincing, myself). But, your journey has helped me a lot and I thank Darla for passing this thread on to me. You're a real dear, Darla (and BTW, I like the new wig).
Hugs,
Abby

[Wenda]

Wow! Great story. Wonderful ending. Good for you!

[TGMarla]

Whew! That's great, dear! What a monkey off your back. I'm sure that everyone here is of like mind on this, and that we all are very relieved and wish you the best. All smiles! :D