I need a letter to send my parents.

[michelleinktown]

I am in the process of writing my Dad am email about who I am and was wondering if anybody has done this before and if so where can I get a copy of a good letter that I could take chunks out of if I need them? I have tried to explain this as best as possible but I am still afraid he won't understand and I want him to have very little questions about this. He is very old fashioned and has made homo or trans jokes in the past.

Michelle

[Julia_in_Pa]

Michelle,

Does he live a distance away from you? If you can I would not write this but speak to him face to face about it.

Regardless of his past behaviour it would force him to take you seriously.

I know this is hard because I came out to my family long ago and lost everyone.

This is a harsh reality but you must do this in person for it to make the impact of seriousness that it is.


Julia

[Asako]

I can say that my dad does have "old fashioned thinking" and has made those sort of jokes too at one point. When I told my dad, he still didn't get it after the second explanation. When it comes to "me" and him, he don't get it. At all. By talking to him, I had the power of adaptability in how I worded my answers to his questions. You don't have that power with a letter or an e-mail. Period. I hope it goes better for you.

[michelleinktown]

My parents are snow birds so they are now in Florida and if you knew my Dad I think a letter would be better for me because I feel that I can say everything without leaving anything out. My Dad is verbally abusive and he would just start a huge fight without me getting the opportunity to finish what needs to be said. This has happened before in various situations and my Dad doesn't listen well and I feel that in order for him to better understand this situation that I am in, a letter would be the best approach. I did tell my Mom on the phone last night and she is afraid to death to tell him and I told her that I would be sending an email to him.

[Teri Jean]

Michelle,
I am going to assume a face to face conversation is not an option due to distances, so the one thing is not to try to piece-meal a letter but to write and original of your own. Everone has done this and in a way it is an exersize. My advise is to write your letter and bare the heart, explaining your whats and whys that makes you feel you are transsexual. I would also explain that there is literature to help understand better the family member that comes out as transgendered. He is your father and because of that he may relook at what he believes when it comes to his children. Reassure him you are the same person but now ready to share your who self. The main thing is being truthful. The one thing I learned was that we are our own worst critic and should trust people.

I wish you the best and remember be yourself, you are your best consultant.

[Eryn]

One question that you should ask if your parents live some distance away is if they actually have to know at this time. I'm normally one for transparency, but sometimes parents don't really have need to know.

[noeleena]

Hi,

Depends on what you need to say, I have done interviews for T V & papers plus a womans group / forum & stood in front of large groups of people. have a look on the net & use my name. that may give you an idear or not .

Family was a bit different because of being very close to them ,

You can do a formal letter or a more open Emotional one. I was thinking how importaint is it to tell him any way. not knowing your background or your family is it imperitive to tell him.

If he has made coments as youv said why dont you ask him why he has in other words get some feed back first & then you will understand his reasons as to, youll then have a better idear how to tell him if you must

& theres allso have some one eles talk to him can bea better way of doing it in other words butter him up.

As it was i had Jos do some of my speaking for me even tho we went through a lot,

may be something there you can use or give us some more info,

...noeleena...

[Hope]

I am going to stand with some of the others here. I think a letter is a fine way to go about this if that is what is right for you - but you need to write your own, you have to write something that is authentic to your walk, and your parents.

Don't worry about it - you will do fine.

[Stephenie S]

A letter? Why not face to face?

Too far away? OK. A letter it is then.

But I am of the opinion that less is more when it comes to a letter. You DON'T have to explain everything. All you really want is acceptance. It's hard to ask for understanding about something that you hardly understand yourself, especially in a letter.

So keep it short and sweet:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. I am transsexual. I can no longer go on living as a guy. This is not your fault. I have felt this way all my life.

I love you.

Your loving daughter,
Michelle

Short and sweet.

S

[Traci Elizabeth]

A letter? Why not face to face?

Too far away? OK. A letter it is then.

But I am of the opinion that less is more when it comes to a letter. You DON'T have to explain everything. All you really want is acceptance. It's hard to ask for understanding about something that you hardly understand yourself, especially in a letter.

So keep it short and sweet:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I love you. I am transsexual. I can no longer go on living as a guy. This is not your fault. I have felt this way all my life.

I love you.

Your loving daughter,
Michelle

Short and sweet.

S


Yep! If you want to evoke the wrath of the Greek Gods, use this approach. It is a sure way to tell your parents you could care less about them and are not women enough to be open and honest with them. Yep! Use this approach for sure and your parents will fully understand and be supportive.

[abigailf]

Michelle,

I agree with Teri and the others, you need to write something from scratch yourself. It needs to come entirely from your heart. I suggest, that you start writing down what you want to say just as you would say it were you there in person. Then you can go back and edit it and change it around so it comes across clear and in a manner in which you feel your parents will best understand.

And remember, there is no shortage of editors on this forum who would review it for you. And based on responses I've seen in other threads, we can be quite critical.

Good luck.

[Stephenie S]

Yep! If you want to evoke the wrath of the Greek Gods, use this approach. It is a sure way to tell your parents you could care less about them and are not women enough to be open and honest with them. Yep! Use this approach for sure and your parents will fully understand and be supportive.

Hmm. What's wrong, Traci?

"I love you."

"I love you".

"This is not your fault."

"Your loving daughter."

If the "Greek" gods are gonna get upset about these sentiments I don't think I have much time for the Greek gods anyway.

Now, in reality I think a letter could easily be quite a bit longer. What I WAS trying to avoid was the 8-10 page letter that falls over due to it's own self important weight. We have talked this over before, I think. But my POV is that what we need is acceptance, not understanding. Understanding may or may not ever come. But what we absolutely need is acceptance.

If your parents ACCEPT you, what more do you need or want? Are you going to demand that they understand something that is difficult for even you to understand?

JMHO, hon.
S

[Kathy Smith]

IMHO a letter is fine. That's how I "came out" to my wife (well, in a text file anyway). I did it that way for a reason though, I tend to write far better than I can conduct a face-to-face conversation - particularly in a stressful situation. It also gave me opportunity to get my thoughts together properly and to set them down logically. I think you really need to give a lot of reassurance though. Just the bare facts can leave the reader unsure, not just about your letter but also about whether they should even approach you for further information. I keep telling people, you are asking them to look at you from a different point of view _for_life_ and they may not like it. You have to be more supportive of them at this time than you hope they will be of you.

[DanaR]

I think that I would tell your mom to not say anything to dad, ever. I'm with Eryn on this and wouldn't tell him. You told you mom, who I guess you feel comfortable with but not your dad. You said that he is abusive, that is a good reason not to tell him. He might decide that you are no longer part of his family and not allow your mom to talk to you.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.

[kimdl93]

why again, do you feel the need to talk about this with your father? Are you planning to transition? If so, then I suppose its unavoidable. If not - what are your motivations? I'm not questioning your motives, I just don't know what they are and consequently I can't offer much in the way of advice. (not that I'd be much help anyway).

Or to put my question another way, since you obviously live far apart, why do you need to open this can of worms?

[michelleinktown]

Because I have a relationship with my Dad he needs to know because it would only be a matter of a time before he finds out and yes I am going to transition. I start hormones once again on the 23rd of Feb, I have come out at work and told them I would be transitioning while working and I will be living full-time as a woman this coming summer.

[DanaR]

Because I have a relationship with my Dad he needs to know because it would only be a matter of a time before he finds out and yes I am going to transition.
Then you should put together your letter and have him call you after he reads it. I hope that he has a good reaction to your letter. But based on your mom's comments about not wanting to tell him, he might not take it very well.

I wish you all the best.

[Kelsy]

Michelle,

Personally I think a letter is fine as long as it contains real information and is straight from your heart but do not send it to him!!
I recommend you sit with him while he reads it. Honesty and courage are essential. What he does with it all is up to him.

Best of luck and I hope it all goes well!!

Kelsy