From Supportive to accepting

[Cathrine]

Hi there

I have a problem and need some serious imput not attacks or any funny remarks i am in need of help.

I came out to my wife about a year and half ago, and we talked and talked for 3 days about my crossdressing and she understood it and supported me even became good friends With the Girl me. We did Girly things Shopping, talking about girl issues, and all round girl time when i was Cath AND YES I ended up in the pink fog where i was dressing as much as i could, to which i felt she had no problem with as nothing was said to me.

one dat not so long ago we had a huge fight to a point were she told me that we should end it all (CROSSDRESSING WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF THIS FIGHT) and in the argument she piped up and told me she has a proble mwith my crossdressing BAM on the floor i was my jaw. I told her why did she not tell me this sooner so we could have resolved it there and then in a calm manner, i did not get an answer to that. in my shock i took all my girl clothes out on the bed and told her to keep what she wants for herself t owhich she did do i then threw it all away everything. we finaly sorted our issues out but crossdressing was not raised until i did about 3 weeks later we agreed on strick rulls once a week and every second weekend i could dress all day fine no problem. BUT everytime i dressed she would withdraw and well i was comfortable physically but not emocionally as i had lost my girlfriend.

well last night i raised my observassions and we talked as it comes out she allows me to dress but wants to know nothing about it she does not want to talk to Cath or now anything about her which i accept as how she feels. so it was agreed that i dress when she is not there which is once in a blue moon. I feel so depressed about this new development and don't know what to do as this has changed our relationship in a negative manner WELL thats how i feel i feel she has taken apart of our relationship and thrown it to the side I love her BUT will the relationship survive with this wedge lodged in it is the million dollar question i can feel there is something that has changed in our relationship and it is not good even with the talking about it it does not get resolved she just agrees to what ever i suggest and well that is where it is left HELP ME PLEASE

[Karren H]

Not uncommon to go from levels of accepting to unaccepting.... Once it happens there's probably no reversing it, imho. Chances are she was not as comfortable with it as she originally lead on and you overwhelmed her and pushed her the other way. I've always said that there is really no such thing as total acceptance of crossdertssing. Just various levels of tolerance... Approaching 99.9%.

If you want to save your relationship... Take crossdressing out of the equation and fix everything else that needs fixed...

[linda allen]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give marital advice, but my thought is, to just lay back for a while, then bring it up at an appropriate time.

Or - take this to a pro. A marriage counselor. Still, I would wait for things to settle down before trying anything.

[Cynthia Anne]

Cathrine, I gave this a lot of thought before I replied to it! I really think outside help is needed! You somehow need to get to the bottom of this issue and find the reason for the attitude change! I really hope the best for you and your wife! Hugs!

[Jill Devine]

Agree with Karren. It's tough to move the dial from where you are back to acceptance a second time. She was basically faking her acceptance.

Give it some time and keep communicating.

[Jonianne]

.....I came out to my wife about a year and half ago, and we talked and talked for 3 days about my crossdressing and she understood it and supported me even became good friends With the Girl me. We did Girly things Shopping, talking about girl issues, and all round girl time when i was Cath AND YES I ended up in the pink fog where i was dressing as much as i could, to which i felt she had no problem with as nothing was said to me.

Obviously it was too much, too fast for her and now that she knows how much and how far you want to go, it's really hard to back track.


one dat not so long ago we had a huge fight to a point were she told me that we should end it all (CROSSDRESSING WAS NOT THE CAUSE OF THIS FIGHT) and in the argument she piped up and told me she has a proble mwith my crossdressing BAM on the floor i was my jaw. I told her why did she not tell me this sooner so we could have resolved it there and then in a calm manner, i did not get an answer to that.

She may have felt like you were blaming her, when it might have been better to have admitted that you and she had not activitly worked out boundries and groundrules before. Just assuming she was OK and letting yourself go into a pink fog, is a receipe for disaster, as you know now. Even though, yes, she should have been better communicating her feelings, don't just blame her for what happened.

The KEY is to acknowledge her feelings and let her feelings have an effect on you. It doesn't mean you should give up your own sense of self, but let her feelings be a part of you, since you are in a relationship with her. When she feels you do listen to her feelings and they matter to you, she will be more able to share.


in my shock i took all my girl clothes out on the bed and told her to keep what she wants for herself t owhich she did do i then threw it all away everything.

Obviously you over-reacted (like most of us do when we are upset) and tend to cut our own nose off, to spite someone elses face. Try to be calm and maintain a sense of reason.


we finaly sorted our issues out but crossdressing was not raised until i did about 3 weeks later we agreed on strick rulls once a week and every second weekend i could dress all day fine no problem. BUT everytime i dressed she would withdraw and well i was comfortable physically but not emocionally as i had lost my girlfriend.

well last night i raised my observassions and we talked as it comes out she allows me to dress but wants to know nothing about it she does not want to talk to Cath or now anything about her which i accept as how she feels. so it was agreed that i dress when she is not there which is once in a blue moon. I feel so depressed about this new development and don't know what to do as this has changed our relationship in a negative manner WELL thats how i feel i feel she has taken apart of our relationship and thrown it to the side I love her BUT will the relationship survive with this wedge lodged in it is the million dollar question i can feel there is something that has changed in our relationship and it is not good even with the talking about it it does not get resolved she just agrees to what ever i suggest and well that is where it is left HELP ME PLEASE

It is good that you are talking to her about it and it sounds like you do take in her feelings. You can't expect her to take part in it right now, but if she is willing to agree to let you dress when she is not there, then take the opportunity she has agreed to and let her know you are thankful that you can have some time. When the time comes you both agreed upon, you can let her know ahead of time and she can plan on going out or something or maybe you can go out yourself.

I know you are still trying to talk with her and that is good. The problem is it is hard for her to listen right now. So keep trying and the important thing is HOW you talk to her. If you come across as overbearing, she won't listen. If you come across as being someone who is willing to be humble in the relationship, she likely will respond in kind.

Try to accept what ever level of acceptance she can give. The worse case senario is that crossdressing may not be compatable. Not everyone can accept it. Hopefully since she did at first for a while, you can get back to that in, time.

[Cathrine]

THanks Girls Yeah this is a tuff one i we have set time asid t o talk again tonight and well lets hope for the best but i am willing to accept the outcome what ever it may be crossing fingers and toes.

[Stephenie S]

To me, this is a no-brainer.

Do you want to save your marriage? Then get your crossdressing OUT of your wife's face. Stop insisting that she participate in your hobby. Stop rubbing her nose in it.

"Oh, I'm not doing that," I hear you protest. But clearly you are or she would not be so upset.

Look. She is aware. She has experienced your feminine self directly. She didn't like it at ALL. She gave it a fair shake, didn't she? Has it been a year? I think you said so. So do your dressing elsewhere! Take it somewhere else. Don't force her to be a part of this at all.

This is not so strange as it may sound. I often use the hunting analogy. Many men in this part of the world love to hunt. They just go out in the woods, drink beer and eat beans at the hunting cabin, and come back home unwashed, with a hangover, and with or without some venison. MANY of these men's wives abhor the thought of shooting poor innocent deer. They want NO part of this. And if the hunters insisted that their wives participate it would threaten their marriages. But the hunters do NOT insist that their wive participate. They go off in the woods, rent a small uncomfortable cabin, and do their thing AWAY from their wives. And they DON'T continually try to convince their wives that they should take a more active role in their "hobby".

You can do the same thing.

Try this. Tell your wife that there is NO way you can give this up, but that she will NEVER have to see, hear, or smell ANY evidence of it ever again. And then STICK to it. Do it somewhere ELSE. Away from your wife.

Try to respect her point of view. Or not. She's just your wife, right? Who cares what she thinks?

Stephie

[DonnaT]

My wife went from total acceptance to none at all, then back again. Several times in the last 36 years. She never went out with me until a couple of years ago, and then she stopped. She is quite aware that I cannot, nor will I try to stop anymore, since it always returns.

Just hang in there, and keep the lines of communication open.

[Tara D. Rose]

Wow Cath, your story sounds a lot like a carbon copy of my story with my wife. I really do not understand why wives are so encouraging and so supportive at first. They will even be that way for a year or so, making you feel that they are with you on this, and then bang, and the SHTF. I’ve seen stories just like yours on here for years and I relate to your story as well as so many others on here can. I posted my story that is like yours, then I got attacked and told that it must be me and I shouldn’t make assumptions that other wives are like mine.
We can ask ourselves, why do wives do this? Can they not make a solid decision about cross dressing within the first month or two and then stick to that decision of acceptance once it is given? I too went and deleted most of my Tara pictures from the computer, etc. I don’t become Tara anymore ever since I returned from SCC last September. I wish I had the answers for you. I can tell you that even if you stick to boundaries, and not even speak of it, she will still bring it up in the future and raise more h*** about it even though she sees none of it or hears of it. None of us on here are experts on human behavior. But I do believe everything we all do is free will.
She makes all of her decisions and you make all of yours. I was told on here by GG’s that it’s all my fault. I would love to give you my advice but, I would just get attacked for saying something truthful about wives.
I invite you to PM me anytime and I may be able to help you.
L&R…………Tara
PS, I agree with your comment Karen, I'm glad you said it instead of me, for I would have gotten attacked again.
Peace & love....................Tara

[jillleanne]

This may not be your situation but, when all is well, all is well in the home. When all is not well, the fact one is gender enhanced comes out as a weapon to be used to hurt someone and it works everytime. What happens? The tg person feels guilty, etc., etc., etc., makes concessions that are unrealistic, and all of a sudden becomes unhappy because they are the only one in the relationship making concessions. The other is making the rules. That works for a day, a week, or even a month, but sooner or later the tg person realizes they are very unhappy so what happens really? You are sacrificing who you are to keep the peace at home. Short term it will work, long term it won't. Either sit down with her explaining how being tg was never a choice for you, will not just go away magically, will never go away for whatever reason, and if the relationship is to survive BOTH involved will need to either seek professional assistance or work out some sort of ACCEPTABLE agreement that allows for honesty, trust, open communication, and support from both sides and at the same time, allows you to express your true self rather than hide and pretend it does not exist. What you both are trying to achieve is happiness and unless you can both come to terms with your gender expression, happiness by both will not be achieved.

[Karren H]

Guess I'll lucky that I never had to go through that... My wife went straight to unsupportive and stayed there! ** sigh **

[Laura912]

From a former professional capacity, I see a deeper issue than the crossdressing which you say was not the cause of the original fight. Cynthia Anne and Karren are correct. A third party counsellor is needed and the crossdressing needs to be removed from the equation. You do not state how long you have been married which will help guide the counsellor. If you are reluctant to tell the counselor about Cath, then agree with your spouse ahead of time. It still may be necessary to tell the counselor so that person can apply all their expertise. To some extent you have control of the "wedge lodged" in your relationship. But your wife needs to understand the conflicts generated by her change of acceptance. This is where the third party helps.
Laura

[DanaR]

Whatever happened, you could have crossed a line; which she didn't like. My suggestion would be to seek some professional help. A marriage counselor might be the only way to get back to a more tolerable place. You might not get back to where you were, but who knows. Somehow you have to figure out what happened, you won't find out by yourself.

[kimdl93]

Relationship are hard and just about every relationships goes through rough patches. People change and drift apart. And people sometimes develop habits and methods for handling disagreements that are counter productive. Cding can be a handing blunt object that gets thrown out in an arguement. While it may in some ways be putting strains in your relationship, its also likely not the base of the problem. I agree with those who advise an objective, third party counselor to help clarify the situation and improve communications.

[Mark/Rebecca]

Hopefully she just needs to know that she is the most important woman in your life, and your role as her man and husband is priority. She may want to encourage you to be Catherine as an expression of her love for you within her boundries.
(I'm still waiting for this as my wife of 28 yrs still refuses to acknowledge my dressing)

[NicoleScott]

I agree with Stephanie (post #8). Without laying all the blame on one side, the two of you apparently didn't fully exchange your honest views about your cd-ing: what drives it, how far you want it to go, etc. So what happened was that you took it past her level of support, and then past her level of acceptance, and maybe past her level of tolerance. You can blame her for changing, but so did you.
Many wives understand the need to crossdress, but don't want any part of it. Accept that for what it is, and do your thing withour her, as it appears she is agreeable to that. She doesn't want you as a girlfriend - she married a guy to be her husband. Make sure you are her man when you're not en femme. If this is not possible because you have a femme identity that cannot be contained to her level of tolerance, your marriage may not survive. Sorry.

[Debra Russell]

As has been mentioned --get cd'ing out of her face she really doesn't like it, fix your other problems and go from there..............Debra

[Jenniferathome]

If you can't talk about it, you can't fix it. Get a third party to help talk if that's what it takes. I believe that crossdressingisnever THE reason things go bad Ina relationship,it is just one more stressor. Making new rules without the discussion as to why will never resolve the conflict. You need to find a counselor of some kind to arbitrate the emotional issues. Good luck

[JamieG]

Look. She is aware. She has experienced your feminine self directly. She didn't like it at ALL. She gave it a fair shake, didn't she? Has it been a year? I think you said so. So do your dressing elsewhere! Take it somewhere else. Don't force her to be a part of this at all.

Try this. Tell your wife that there is NO way you can give this up, but that she will NEVER have to see, hear, or smell ANY evidence of it ever again. And then STICK to it. Do it somewhere ELSE. Away from your wife.


Stephie

Stephie makes most of the points I would have. Be thankful your wife tried to make it work. However, it turns out the CDing makes her uncomfortable. On the other hand, you can't quit. The only solution is you keep CDing but do it away from her. If you need social interaction find a group of like-minded ladies (make sure your wife is okay with this) and get out of the house once in a while. This policy worked well for my wife and I, and over time, she has become more and more supportive of me.

[Stephanie47]

I know I said it before. When a wife knows of your cross dressing, she possess the "weapon of mass destruction." My wife does not approve of my cross dressing and does not participate. Once during a disagreement she told me that if we ever divorced she would tell everybody. Later, when she cooled down, she told me she would never do that. Well, I do not believe her. In the heat of marital discord people sometimes act irrationally. Once a wife knows, there is no secret. One slip of the tongue, intentional or unintentional, and secret is out to everyone.

Frankly, I think it is a rare exception the wife is totally supportive. I've read too many posts at this site where the wife has switched 180 degrees. Sometimes saying they are supportive is a stop gap for them to think the situation through. And, like anything else in a marriage couples mature together or grow apart, develop different tastes, etc. One can only hope thw wife does not through the nuclear bomb, when other issues are the true reason for marital discord.

[elizabethamy]

I think because they are married to us they want to be supportive of what we are doing, but this is one of those areas where one's tolerance and liberal views might apply to society and transgenderism in general, but not at home. It's hard to work out. I wish I had an answer, too! This is not the same as going to the hunting and fishing cabin; this is a part of who we are, and the degree to which we can contain (repress?) it is not entirely in our control. If it was, we would all stop tomorrow, right? Best of luck.

[Tara D. Rose]

I know I said it before. When a wife knows of your cross dressing, she possess the "weapon of mass destruction." My wife does not approve of my cross dressing and does not participate. Once during a disagreement she told me that if we ever divorced she would tell everybody. Later, when she cooled down, she told me she would never do that. Well, I do not believe her. In the heat of marital discord people sometimes act irrationally. Once a wife knows, there is no secret. One slip of the tongue, intentional or unintentional, and secret is out to everyone.

Frankly, I think it is a rare exception the wife is totally supportive. I've read too many posts at this site where the wife has switched 180 degrees. Sometimes saying they are supportive is a stop gap for them to think the situation through. And, like anything else in a marriage couples mature together or grow apart, develop different tastes, etc. One can only hope thw wife does not through the nuclear bomb, when other issues are the true reason for marital discord.

You're absolutley right. This is how it goes. I've seen many, many threads on here talking about this. I once spoke on here about it and I got attacked. But to the ones that think this is not a normacy, then how many more of these kind of stories will it take till this truth is finally realised? And when I read the happy threads of CD's that have just came out to their wives and say, oh she accepts and is thrilled. Well I just look at my watch and say, well, it's just a matter of time. L&R..............Tara

[Gaby2]

From my own experience, I can only confirm the pessimism of most answers, Catherine.
But don't give up!

The sways from supportive and acceptance to intolerance and ridicule that I experience with my present SO have taught me that this is something way beyond my control.
I enjoy and benefit from the former while I try to understand the latter.
Mostly our (few) problems have nothing to do with CDing.

:hugs:Gaby

[Donna St. Marten]

You pretty much hit the nail on the head as to what caused this problem with your wife, yse the pink fog. Your wife married you to have a husband , not antoher girlfriend. Crossdressing is a somewhat selfish and exclusionary activity, unless your wife like to dress as a man when you decide to dress up. Take the advice of some of the other girls and get some professional counseling, both of you need to have an objective third party try to sort this out for you. I wish you nothing but the best.

[soulsister GG]

As a SO to my BF and just learning of his dressing 2 months ago I have communicated acceptance and support and have been there for him as I could be. I think for me the "pink fog" as you call it is like a "black hole" for us SO's. We are not sure how far you will go into it and when you may come back. I know that he has told me he is the same person but to me he is much different. I love my BF with all my heart and wish to accept what I think is a hobby, but it is actually a lifestyle. Something we are not educated on and worry about. Guidelines may be good for some, but how do you know where to draw the line when you want your SO to be happy not only with himself but with his other side as well. Women are nurturers and givers so we give the support we think we can and at some point may feel it took too much away from us. I worry about that all the time now reading these forums but it also helps me understand what not to do and in this case what I am learning is to not say I support you 100% when I may not know what that 100% is.

I would tell you to sit down and let her tell you her feelings about it all. Let her know that you know some things she thinks and feels may hurt or offend you but that together you can both get past them. Of course as I said, I am still new to all of this so I hope this helps somewhat from the view of the other side.

Good luck to you and yours and let us all know.

[JenniferR771]

Whoops. I left this thread open and my wife started to read a few posts. She knows but does not approve and usually insists that I close this forum as soon as she enters the room. I am glad, this time she read a few posts. This humanizes us and indirectly gives me a bit of help by her understanding. She giggled a bit at Karren's post. She looked over a few avatars and was impressed by NicoleScott. Slow progress, but someday maybe I will gain a bit more acceptance.

[MarinaKirax]

Have you thought that she might just be trying to 'even the score' in her own mind? I know my wife (who accepts my dressing, with limits) found it somewhat unfair that I could suddenly change the ground rules of our relationship, and she just had to either accept it, or reconsider the marriage (we never went anywhere near that). What I mean is, when we open up our closet, their world changes, and they have no choice. I know my wife felt some of this unfairness, and your wife may be trying to share some of that unfairness, consciously or not by arbitrarily changing the rules. It's worth asking her about it. Acknowledging that your dressing changed her life can't be harmful, and may help you to come to a compromise. MK