T1

[LeaP]

First therapy appointment last evening.

I was a few minutes late, despite leaving an hour earlier than I needed to. I had trouble finding the location. That was OK, actually, because I was so nervous I couldn't see straight and it kept me from thinking about what I was going to say.

The session itself was introductory. Q&A. LOTS of Q&A. I almost can't remember what the topics were, though I remember some of them (childhood toys, children, my marriage, school, work, depression, etc.) It's almost like I've blocked it out. I was shaking most of the hour and couldn't help sitting on the edge of the sofa in spite of being encouraged repeatedly to relax and sit back. But I answered everything as openly and honestly as I could. She assured me that I'm normal, that nothing I'm experiencing is unusual, and she's not seeing evidence of pathologies (e.g., multiple personality, believe it or not).

I have assigned reading: "She's Not There" (Jenny Boylan, author). The therapist said I would find a lot of similarities to the author and her experience.

And after the session I stopped in the parking lot up the street and cried for about 5-10 minutes, after which I started laughing, then crying again. I went home and went to bed. My wife came in and we talked until I fell asleep.

I'm very, very tired. I don't feel well, though I feel OK, too. Whatever that means.

Lea

[Jonianne]

Thanks for sharing. You did it! My first appointment with a gender therapist is tommorow, so I can relate to the nervousness.

[Steph.TS]

sounds like it went well congrats. She's not there is an excellent book, I bought it on google books, and I've read half of the book so far (this coming some some one that never reads books) I once tried to read Harry Potter and got to page 10 before giving up lol. not sure if it's the writer, the topic or what it is but it really has me wanting to read more.

[StaceyJane]

Thanks for sharing your expierince. Taking the first step can bring up such emotions.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Well congrats. Now that was not too bad was it? I bet now you are really glad you went and look forward to future appointments.

[Anne2345]

I would say that I remember my first therapy session quite vividly. However, even though it was only about half a year ago, I do not. Thinking back on it, everything is a haze, and I do not recall specifics.

I do recall, however, like you, shaking throughout the session. In fact, I shook so much you could have used my body in a creek bed to sift gold. And like you, I cried. I cried much.

Although I did not recognize it for what it was that day, that first session was a monumental day in my life. My therapist was the first person, other than my wife, that I truly came out to, and it was not easy. Except that it was easy, if that makes any sense. I was soooo ready for it, even though at the time I questioned (out of fear) whether I was.

Once the words began to flow, though, it began a remarkable series of events within my life that continue to this day, and will continue for as long as I choose and need to ride this wave.

The decision to affirmatively seek out professional help was make or break for me. Sink or swim. Had I not chosen this route, I shudder to think what may or may not be now. The decision to remain in therapy, stay the course, and plow forward full steam ahead was absolutely necessary and the right decision for me.

You, too, have made the correct decision. And beyond that, you stood tall and walked through your therapist’s door! You have thereby begun the process of opening up to another human being, truly opening up, and the process of healing, evolution, and self-discovery.

I applaud your courage, and congratulate you on completing this all-important step of the process! Very well done! Now go get some rest! :)

[Asako]

Lea, I can't remember the specifics of my first session either, except for two questions she asked me. What I do remember is what I felt afterwards as I walked back to my car and during the drive home. I felt happy and like I was floating on air. A big smile covered my face too. I also remember how nervous I was writing on the patient sheet why I was there to see her in a nearly packed waiting room. ^.^;

[LeaP]

Well congrats. Now that was not too bad was it? I bet now you are really glad you went and look forward to future appointments.

It wasn't in several respects and I am looking forward to future sessions. The emotionalism of it was 100% in throwing open the covers. In a way it was the first real commitment to what I am. It doesn't seem that private life acknowledgements (e.g., "coming out" to one's SO) are the same. I feel like I've stepped outside of my boundaries.




it was not easy. Except that it was easy, if that makes any sense. I was soooo ready for it ...


That's exactly right. Thank you for saying it for me, Anne. It was hard emotionally and easy for the words to flow at the same time, and readiness was probably the most important part of it. I just had to do it. I waited weeks for an evening appointment and events over those weeks were such that I was in a pretty agitated state when I arrived. Things just work out for the best, sometimes. I was frustrated over having to wait so long, but was far more ready when I got there.

Lea

[kimdl93]

Lea, this is just a start. I was in therapy for almost three years, initially on a bi weekly basis, then once a week, then twice a month and finally at monthly intervals. It was at times exhausting and unnerving, but over time I came to feel totally safe and totally trusting in my psychologist. She was very much worthy of that trust, and I've lived the past 15 years much happier and more succesful as a result of our combined efforts. I wish you the best in this undertaking!

[LeaP]

Lea, this is just a start. I was in therapy for almost three years, initially on a bi weekly basis, then once a week, then twice a month and finally at monthly intervals. It was at times exhausting and unnerving, but over time I came to feel totally safe and totally trusting in my psychologist. She was very much worthy of that trust, and I've lived the past 15 years much happier and more succesful as a result of our combined efforts. I wish you the best in this undertaking!

I appreciate that, Kim. I only hear problems concerning therapists at the margins (e.g., not topically knowledgeable) and I'm happy that the effects have been life-long. If I might ask, what was the reason for finally ending after three years?

Lea

[sandra-leigh]

It was at times exhausting and unnerving, but over time I came to feel totally safe and totally trusting in my psychologist.

I happened to have a session with one of my therapists today, the one I generally refer to as my "life therapist" (as opposed to my gender therapist.) Right from the very start of my sessions with her, I asked how to get the good things I found in cross-dressing into the rest of my life. So for getting close to 3 years now, I've seen her roughly monthly, and gender topics and cross-dressing topics have been fair game for the sessions -- and it has never ever been a problem.

Today for example, dressing / gender entered into our discussion in a number of different aspects -- at work, shopping, my interaction with people, difficulty making friends normally but much easier for me to connect to people, when I'm in a more female mode, and other ways. She did not hesitate to talk about the matters and they don't seem to cause her any discomfort.

I most definitely would not have made nearly as much progress (over time, or today) if I had held back on gender issues. My gender affects how I interact with the world and how I think about my interactions with the world. I could not very well say, "Well, sometimes when I'm doing some things that I won't talk to you about, things are different"... or at least not and gain what I need from it.

Anyhow, it was a good session for me today, and I'm glad I went.