Today is a new day for me, Friday the 13th not withstanding.

[kimberly ann487]

This past Sunday, my wife and I, mostly my wife, had a major blowout . She got into my things and did some real damage. Like cutting up my wig and pouring a bottle of conditioner in my makeup bag. Plus she wrote, in eyeliner, on my pillowcase, " get out you #$$*&". So I did, at least I took an appartment nearby, and called her bluff.
After the dust settled and we both calmed down, we had a couple of long conversations. As a result we agreed to disagree. I'm not moving out now but I can dress on a limited basis. She even has given me some clothes and underware that she had that don't fit her but fit me nicely.( I'm wearing a lovely beaded sweater as I type here ) Today I went out and bought a new wig( much nicer than my old one, lol ) and a pair of forms, which I needed desperatly.
I'll be on the forum more now too. I had to tell everyone. So, any thoughts on the subject ? Or perhaps someone had a similar experience ?

[Marleena]

Haven't had that happen Kimberly. I just wonder why she would destroy your stuff? Was the fight about your CDing?

[Sandra]

Ok what she did to your stuff was wrong, why did she do it?

Do you dress in front of your SO? if so after all of this I would see that as rubbing salt into the wounds. I would have thought to have let the dust settle a bit before going head long into it all.

[kimberly ann487]

Yes Marleena, she was always aganist my CDing, so I dress very low key if at all. She has never seen me compleatly dressed. Although yesterday I showed her a few photos, I got the man in the dress comment, lol. This is a major breakthrough for me, and I'm quite happy. I hope it lasts, or maybe even get better.

[Marleena]

Okay, sounds like a bit of a breakthrough.:) I hope it continues for you Kimberly, having her on your side is the key. Sometimes they have a hard time accepting it and rebel instead of trying to see our side of it. You know none of us put in an order at birth.lol.

[Rachel Flowers]

Well done for handling it, Kim! She must have been really confused inside to have done such destructive things but talking is always the best cure and that's what the two of you have done. The mistake I think some people might make is to think the talking is finished. The talking never is finished in any relationship.

So well done for you girl, and I hope it both lasts and gets better for you too! x

[Miranda-E]

destroying a partners things then going into an apologetic phase is a classic sign of an abuser. I'd keep that apartment for your safety.

[sissystephanie]

I am certainly sorry that this event happened. I think maybe Miranda has the right idea. Your wife might change her ideas again, so having the appartment would be a good idea! Aand keep your femme things where your wife can't get at them!

[kimdl93]

Glad you both let the intensity calm down. Now I hope that you'll be patient with her, and give her time to metabolize this most recent experience. What I'd suggest is that, when the moment seems right, thank her for being willing to work this disagrement out, and for her willingness to compromise to some degree. Then, I think Id leave it like it is for a while, and let the situation incubate for a while.

[AllieSF]

I respect what SO's have to go through when they discover the long held secret of their CD spouse. However, I always draw the line when letting off too much steam leads to unnecessarily harsh words and actions such as you described, cutting up your wig. That is never justified by anyone. I also believe that sometimes saying "OK and I will leave as you want me to" like you did can help bring the SO back closer to the reality of the moment and may even help to open that often blocked and sometimes locked communication process that all couples need to be able to continue in a loving relationship. I am not saying everyone should do that. Each person needs to look at their own situation and determine what the best way to handle the issue. However, I think that because of the secretive nature of dressing, general public opinion real and imagined, many discovered and outed CD's tend to take the appeasing road. Maybe in certain situations they need to just stand up and say that whether anyone likes it or not that is who they are, they both should act like the adults that they are to see what theytogether can do to continue their relationship and also keep the CD/TD/TS sane in the process.

For now anyway, it looks like your taking a stand for yourself has helped both of you to be able to maybe work out some process to keep both of you sane and hopefully happy too. Good luck, again, to both of you.

[docrobbysherry]

I know someone in similar circumstances, Kim. He and his wife have lived separately for some time. I think the one I know, the TG woman, is much happier now! And, it sounds like their relations r better, too!

Hey! Whatever works for u 2, is what I say!

[kimberly ann487]

hey, thanks for all the input. I should add that I think my wife realizes now that I am what I am and I will always be who I am. Before this week she was looking for a "cure" for me, now she is starting to "get it".

[Nicole Brown]

Hi Kim,

I am so happy for you, but just remember all of the things that we have discussed over the past year. I strongly suggest that you move forward very carefully and keep your guard up. This would not be the first time that your wife did an about face only to revert to her original behavior. I know that you are happier then you could believe with these recent changes in her behavior, but please be very careful as I fear things will change yet again.

As previously suggested in this thread, keep all of your things in a secure fashion to prevent any damage to them. Again, just remember how she has changed direction in the past and keep a cautious eye out for these changes. She could just be doing this to put you off guard and put herself in a better position before she does something else against you.

Please, just be careful, you know how much our friendship means to me and I couldn't stand seeing you hurt again. I'll call you next Tuesday when my relatives leaves.

Hugs, Nicole

[Karren H]

Wow... I'd sleep with one eye open! "Enter Sandman"

[Jeninus]

Some of the replies to this thread hint at the possibility that Kim's wife may start gathering "evidence" for use in divorce proceedings, including pictures, downloading his email and posts here and elsewhere, amongst other things.

Many here dread the possibility of being outed to family, friends and employers by a vengeful wife or SO, resulting, inter alia, in estrangement from our own families and loss of employment not to mention legal embarrassment. For most gays and lesbians that is becoming less and less of a concern, but for us -- there has been no Stonewall, no visible raising of society's consciousness about us and little in the way of legal protection. Even in film (aside, perhaps for "Transamerica," we are either portrayed as criminals or subjects of comedy). For that reason we are the most vulnerable sector of the LBGT spectrum.

As a retiring attorney, I would suggest that if we are faced with the worst case scenario - divorce proceedings where the spouse uses our activities as a form of legal blackmail - we should be prepared with expert opinion to prove that being CD/TG is not evidence of sickness or a psychiatric disorder, that it is innate and essentially harmless and that it in no way disqualifies us from having equal custody rights in our children or a fair division of the marital property. It seems we must fight our own Stonewall one legal battle at a time. Winning legal battles establishes precedent and that paves the way for fair treatment of our sisters in the future. Precedents in one state are considered persuasive by courts in a sister state - or even Canadian, UK, NZ and Australian cases, if the decisions are well reasoned. But the battles must be fought. When faced with the threat of disclosure, we must not be submissive.

Kim is right to show backbone here, while at the same time seeking to reconcile with a spouse who may be feeling betrayed, that she "...didn't sign up for this." To that point, at the same time we need to ask ourselves how we'd feel if our wife wanted to become a guy, and started looking like Chaz Bono (shiver).

[NathalieX66]

Accept all faults and offer love.

Kimberly, I think what your wife did was pretty mean.

We are what we are, no getting around that. Let the dust settle, then write a deep letter, or have a heart to heart talk.

[jillleanne]

Yeah, I'd demand she replace the eyeliner. Well, at least you are moving forward but best you keep talking about this on a regular basis.