Paying the price to crosdress

[Contessa]

Today was not a very good day. Though in retrospect it was not a very bad one either. Today I lost some every close friends. This is what my day was about. My wife suggested we go to some friends to talk over my crossdressing. So off we went and what a talk we had. In the end I was told to stop or don't do it in my own home. My wife has never said she approves of me but can tolerate it.

Oh because I only told her 5 months ago as I only realized it myself. But as soon as I came upon it I told her. Now I have been told that I am going to fast and soon I will want sex with a man as the ultimate goal. And I will probably turn out to be gay. I say it won't happen they say it will it is just a matter of time.

I am at the computer dress now and I suppose I am supposed to be flaunting myself in front of everyone. As well I am selfish and are just trying to make my own self happy.

I want to be honest I am not going to stop this crossdressing. I will pay the price of losing my family and wife and friends. But quit no I want to be happy too. I may be wrong about this but I am being true to myself. I don't know how much time I have left on earth but I will live it out as a happy woman not a sad depressed pathetic man. Am I wrong?

Contessa Marie

[paulaprimo]

thank you contessa for a very real and honest post. and i do feel you're pain!! one must be happy with themselves. i give you credit for being honest and putting it out there on the table. unfortunately and i don't know why, there sometimes has to be sacrifice for happiness. being still in the closet myself, and having lots of friends and sometimes not being happy myself, i feel like throwing on a dress in front of them...and if they all ran away and i was alone, at least i would be happy!! i'm thinking i should take my own advice. good luck and i wish you the best...paula

[JessicaM1985]

I'm sorry to hear that. :(
I know there are PLENTY of mtf cd/tv/ts girls out there that are only interested in dating and having relationships with ciswomen. I'm sorry that you had to encounter such ignorance and prejudice. I also find them VERY presumptuous to think they know what your ultimate goal is better than you do. Only you can decide how far you want to take this. Just be true to yourself. In the end, that's all that's all that will matter.

[DanaR]

I' sorry to hear about your friends, but it almost sounds like there weren't really friends. It's interesting to see that they think that if you crossdress you're gay. Was your wife hoping that your friends would talk you out of crossdressing?

[suzy1]

I want to tell you how much it hurts to read this Tess.
If there is one thing I have learned in life it’s that you can’t be truly happy unless you are being true to yourself.

There are some truly ignorant people in this world and you are having to deal with some of them.

You ask “Am I wrong” You know your not!

All the best, SUZY

[Anna Abwaerts]

Dont burn bridges, try to put it on hold. Bring the idea that you are still tha same old person they knew (or didnt, pun intended), that you will be around and use classic "Dont worry, I`ll wait". Do say that their negativity hurts you, and you could do without it.

[jillleanne]

Nope, quite right really. It takes a very strong person to tell others, talk to others, etc. Do not however, think you will lose everyone associated with the 'male' you however. Some will stand by you once they see you are not a freak, etc.m hopefully your wife for one. Keep the lines of communication open with her especially. As for the other nay sayers, ask them where they get their knowledge of such things and to give you examples of someone that has gone to the ' dark side ' because of their gender expresssions. Yhay will make them think they are not so intelligent and they will clam up I suspect.

[Foxglove]

Contessa, I'd echo the others. You're not wrong. Quite the contrary: it costs a lot not to be who you are. As someone who repressed the needs and urges for so long, I know that it doesn't bring you any happiness. Be yourself. True friends will stick with you.

And the remark about you being selfish: some people make me laugh. "You're not thinking about me all the time. You're so selfish." Who is it who's being selfish?

Best wishes, Annabelle.

[DonnaT]

Sounds like your wife had already told everyone you crossdressed, and was looking for allies to condemn you for it. Thus she really ambushed you. Not a cool thing to do.

If you can't stop (and not many can) then your wife needs to know you won't even try. So, no, I don't think you've been wrong.

[Shari]

This is not just for you, Contessa.
I believe that everyone on this planet should try and find as much happiness as they can. It sounds selfish, but who do you know that doesn't aspire to live a happy and fulfilled life?
There are trade offs for many of our choices. You are the only one who can judge what is best for you.
Good luck in whatever decision you arrive at.

[josee]

Tess, you are not wrong. You deserve happieness just like anyone else. I don't think you are being selfish by being yourself and seeking others like you. That is a basic human need. You have lots of friends here and we accept you as you are.

[rebekkadg]

Such a nightmare to happen. Think what you described is just about every crossdresser who hasn't come out to anyone's worst fears all realized. I am not going to jump to accuse your wife of ambushing you (though I can certainly get that impression) because she could simply been looking for more outside sources on the subject to help her figure out how she feels, and sadly they were all pretty negative sources. Your friends may be a lost cause but I wouldn't give up on your wife without a strong fight. Get her some informed information about crossdressing and don't lose your cool with her. If you fight her she will never come around no matter who is at fault for the angry words. Just don't let the tension esculate any more than it has to.

[Contessa]

Thank you all who have posted to this thread. What most of you say is true and I have well to learn from all of you. My wife thinks that I am a girl because I wear nail polish on my fingernails 24/7. I wear a ladies watch and as soon as I can find another that I like a woman's bracelet. These things keep me grounded and I know who and what I am. I have lost my fears and I will leave the world the same way I came here alone. Except I have you all here. Again I say thank you you will all help me to keep my sanity.

Contessa Marie

[TGMarla]

Why did you even tell them? This is precisely why many of us keep this whole thing under wraps. It's complicated enough without announcing it all the the entire world. Did your wife drag you into such a confession? Maybe you need to take a step or two back and move more slowly. The road to happiness is not always transition and full disclosure. Ease up! And maybe shut up! I have friends of twenty or thirty years who don't know about this, and don't need to either. That hogwash about "if they don't accept you, they're not true friends" is such a load of crap! Not everyone is at a place in their own lives where they can deal with this the way we feel that they should. If you're deciding on transitioning, that's another thing entirely. But until then, I suggest you notch it down a bit, and move more slowly.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

Sorry to read about what happened. You are not wrong at all. This is who you are, nothing can and will change that. So live out that life as the happy woman and not the depressing old man. I know there will come a point in my life where I will most likely be in the same situation as being in the closet is becoming harder and harder. I for sure will not ever be comforming changing into something that I am not.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Marla, I think the wife told the friends, not Contessa. I assume the wife did it in an effort to embarass Contessa and get her to stop dressing (sort of like those drug interventions on sleazy television shows.)

[Sara Jessica]

Tess, my heart goes out to you.

Here is my take on the history you have described in hopes that somewhere within, there will be a bit of advice you can use.

First of all, look at where you have taken this in the five months since coming out to your wife. My SO has known of my essence for over 20 years and you have gone places I wouldn't necessarily dream of. And you have certainly gone there very fast, probably a negative function of having too much information at hand.

Look at things from your wife's POV. I don't know how long you have been married but you dropped this on her after the fact. She not only has a lot to process but it's clear that she is coming to conclusions that are understandably mistaken. That is, it is common for a SO to believe that meeting up with a man is a reasonable goal (as evidenced by one of the most common questions upon such disclosure..."are you gay???"). What have you done to educate her about what your crossdressing does and does not mean to you? What have you done to reassure her that you are not on the path she perceives? Have you informed her that a vast majority of the crossdressing community are heterosexual, and dare I say committed? I think there are communication issues in play.

So let's talk about where YOU are with this whole thing. We have talked in person about those things you describe as keeping you grounded. You carry some sort of purse (daily?). You mention above your wearing of a ladies watch and daily use of nail polish. I get the desire to remain grounded but these are all things that will go far to "out" you to the rest of the world, much more so than other things you can do to remain grounded. Ever hear of under-dressing? That is something that might work for you and it's something the rest of the world would never know about. Many of us keep pedi's 24/7 as a form of grounding, myself included. Keep the socks on, no one's the wiser. My point is that there are different things you can do to stay grounded which will not be so open to everyone you hold dear.

Then there is the disclosure to friends. For gosh sakes, I wish you would have come here for advice beforehand. Now the genie is out of the bottle and there's no putting her back inside. What was there to gain by that? Are you looking to take things to a level where you are dressing full time, or at least some of the time around friends & family? Again, I've been struggling with gender issues in my life and in my relationships for a lot of years and disclosure to friends is not a place I've chosen to go. It seems like it was a bit of a rash decision to do so during what is certainly a very whirlwind period in your TG life during this five months since disclosure to your wife, and particularly rash since it seemed to be suggested by your wife for some reason.

Where things go from here remains to be seen. I think the #1 priority is your relationship with your wife. The game has changed with disclosure to friends and the fallout is something you will have to deal with in time. She is the important one at this time. Best of luck to you and please know I am here to talk to you whenever you need a friend.

[Lucy_Bella]

Your not wrong...


Like you said you're paying the price...

[docrobbysherry]

I wish it was all that easy, Contessa! But, like Marla said, u CAN'T just change the way u live and how u present and relate to EVERYONE and expect "happiness"! REAL life just DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!

[Julogden]

No Contessa, it sounds to me like you're absolutely right. Hang in there, dear! The only one you need to deal with besides yourself is your wife, and hopefully she isn't going to allow herself to be poisoned by the opinions of others.

Carol :hugs:

[Piora]

Today was not a very good day. Though in retrospect it was not a very bad one either. Today I lost some every close friends. This is what my day was about. My wife suggested we go to some friends to talk over my crossdressing. So off we went and what a talk we had. In the end I was told to stop or don't do it in my own home. My wife has never said she approves of me but can tolerate it.

Doesn't sound like they were true friends, to me. And you were told to stop? Nobody has the right to tell you to do anything. They can make suggestions.....but real friends wouldn't behave that way. I've had those kinds of "friends" in my life, too. Everything's fine until something happens that they don't like, or disapprove of - and then they're not talking to you anymore. No loss. Find some new friends that won't judge you like that.


Now I have been told that I am going too fast and soon I will want sex with a man as the ultimate goal. And I will probably turn out to be gay. I say it won't happen they say it will it is just a matter of time.

Oh, so these "friends" are self-proclaimed experts, are they? I find it so amazing how people like them use their own biased view of the world to come up with this kind of $hit.


I am at the computer dressed now and I suppose I am supposed to be flaunting myself in front of everyone. As well I am selfish and are just trying to make my own self happy.

And why shouldn't you? The "friends" are being the intolerant ones, here. Although you do say that your wife has never told you she approves of it, she does tolerate it. There are lots of us on here where that is the case, too. If she cares about you and if you also care about her....then you should be able to at the very least reach a compromise. But it means that you both have to talk about it.....maybe get some counseling....and maybe you can eventually come to a point where it will no longer strain your marriage.


I' sorry to hear about your friends, but it almost sounds like there weren't really friends. It's interesting to see that they think that if you crossdress you're gay. Was your wife hoping that your friends would talk you out of crossdressing?

Yes, this^^^^^

This was supposed to be an 'intervention' or a 'deprogramming' - where they try to wear you down and accept "their" view of what all men should be like, and what they should and shouldn't do. It failed, and since they didn't care enough about you to just accept you for who you are, they decided to remove you from their lives. Some so-called friends.

[Nicole Erin]

When we go public with this, whether we are CD or TS, it often follows that our social structure changes.
Many of us do lose our wives and old friends and such but then it is time to build new social circles.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Today was not a very good day. Though in retrospect it was not a very bad one either. Today I lost some every close friends. This is what my day was about. My wife suggested we go to some friends to talk over my crossdressing. So off we went and what a talk we had. In the end I was told to stop or don't do it in my own home. My wife has never said she approves of me but can tolerate it.

Oh because I only told her 5 months ago as I only realized it myself. But as soon as I came upon it I told her. Now I have been told that I am going to fast and soon I will want sex with a man as the ultimate goal. And I will probably turn out to be gay. I say it won't happen they say it will it is just a matter of time.

I am at the computer dress now and I suppose I am supposed to be flaunting myself in front of everyone. As well I am selfish and are just trying to make my own self happy.

I want to be honest I am not going to stop this crossdressing. I will pay the price of losing my family and wife and friends. But quit no I want to be happy too. I may be wrong about this but I am being true to myself. I don't know how much time I have left on earth but I will live it out as a happy woman not a sad depressed pathetic man. Am I wrong?

Contessa Marie

No, you get my vote :)

[Lorileah]

You can only lose a true friend if they die.

You were ambushed. Your true friends will soon be back.

As far as nail polish and a small watch goes, why does your wife believe they are just for females? Is there a magic associated with them? Is it like when you put on nail polish you cannot do the things you did before? Like Kryptonite. When your wife doesn't wear nail polish is she less feminine? Logically these arguments don't hold water. Shaquille O'Neill wore nail polish. I don't think I would have confronted him.

[Maria 60]

Your not wrong, but it's so sad that they didn't even give you a chance. Maybe you should have her read this site and she can see that there are happily married people here with families and are not gay.

[MissBobbi]

I agree with you Contessa, I'd rather live as a happy woman than as a sad depressed man! It's important to make choices, you've only got one life to live! At the moment I'm single and would rather stay that way if it meant I am able to crossdress. Being in a relationship and not being happy sounds far worse!

I hope you and your wife can sort it out! :)