Well coming out to Mom didn't work as good as hoped.

[michelleinktown]

Hello all,



So I phoned my Mom the other day and told her that I am transgendered. She is currently in Flordia so I did it over that phone. She has lots of questions and today she called trying to convince me that I am not a woman inside for me to just look in the mirropr and I would see that! She said that she wants me to see her therapist once she gets home. I have been to a therapist and I have been in therapy for 48 years. So is really worried that I am going to go all the way with this and want to convince me other wise. I am holding off on the letter to my Dad because he will take out his stress on Mom by picking fights with her so I figure that I will wait till thier vacation is done.



Why does this have to be so hard?

[Momarie]

If you've been in therapy for 48 years...how old does that make your Mom?

This must be very hard for her too.

[michelleinktown]

I am 48 years old and in therapy with myself and also professionals. My Mom is is 66 and yes I agree this is very hard for parents

[Krististeph]

Hi Michelle! First off- don't feel like you have to make any fast decisions- anything this big needs time to play out. Give you mom some time. Even listen to her when she suggest things like seeing her therapist- check up on her therapist first- make sure they are currently licensed. Then, if you choose to go just to make your mom happy, to give her a little sense of still being part of your life- Check with your own therapist first to find out what kind of things your mom's therapist should not (or is not) allowed to do or say. if you are really worried, have your therapist be a failsafe- tell yours that you will call immediately after seeing your mom's therapist- to check in. Not a bad idea in itself anyway.

But it would be seriously improbable that you would need this- if your mom's therapist is a licensed professional, they have standards of conduct set by state and federal law. They cannot talk about what you say to anyone, least of all a family member of a client. I'll bet you $5 your mom's therapist will actually be quite professional about your CD or TG issues, but the talk will probably focus more on helping you deal with the conflict with your parents over this issue. that's the real and important issue at this point, probably.

make sure _you_ choose the therapist! There are lots of resources on line that can help you find therapists who work with gender issues, there are a heck of a lot of us out here!

Do try to understand that hearing something like this is hard on most parents, it can be a combination of them feeling like they did something wrong, or simply that the idea is too foreign to them. As hard as it is for you- you have to take the high road- be strong- but try to be understanding as well. Congratulations (sort of), now you are an ambassador for all of us who crossdress or are transgendered in some way.

Stay in touch with others too- whether it is here, on another on-line group, local support group, anything where you can interact- you do not have to do this alone! Most colleges have LGBT safe areas and groups, even if you cannot join if you are not in school, ask if they can provide resources for the general public. I know of no college counselor who would begrudge this information.

lastly- If there is any violence- do immediately call the police! Of all domestic situations, the person who calls the police is generally going to be given the most credit by the police when they show up and start asking questions. If this happens, don't hesitate a second- tell the cops the reason for the conflict (even though CD is no excuse for violence), so that they will: A) trust that you are telling them the whole story, and B) understand the problem and can deal with the situation appropriately. Cops get lots of training in dealing with domestic disputes, they themselves may not be supportive of CDs, but they will act professionally. be sure to ask for crisis center or intervention assistance info- again not that you are necessarily going to use it- but that you are taking the proper steps.

Hang in there, & good luck! The year of the (water)Dragon starts in 9 days, it can be an auspicious year- the water represents great power but at the same time great softness- and dragon year represents strong character and good change- but to be mindful of being over zealous. I don't believe in the astrology, but the text is similar to and not a bad oriental philosophy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Your age and mom's age are very similar to my situation..

my mom accepted in phases...

You need to start from a good place tho...my mom was a person that was "kids first", and not all mom's are like that..if your mom is not a loving and caring mom...she will not change for this...

her initial hesitation was much more about her fear for my well being than anything else..she was raised in the coal regions of pennsylvania and was very set in her ways...it took about a year of gentle talking and sharing before she was ready to accept me...
she was very worried about my dad...and it was the final straw for her because i think she hoped i would never tell him....of course, i was going to transition and she finally got that through her head..

my dad had said HORRIBLE things about gays and trans people during his life...but again, he was raised "ignorant" and he didn't know any different until much later in life..

...however he accepted me immediately and he very quickly understood what this meant and transformed his thinking ...he admitted his prejudice was based on ignorance and fear..

all this is to say , you never know...and your acceptance is much more about them than about you.. you are right to be gentle and compassionate with them..it is hard for them...they will suffer loss from this...but they must also understand your side of it

it's not a black white thing for most of us, btw...this is something that will play out over a long time, and you need to be ready to move on with or without support...making progress without support sometimes gets parents that truly care to work harder to understand and ultimately support and embrace you.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Michelle,


Older generations have extreme difficulty with the whole TS concept due to the socialization of their day.

My advice is to allow this conversation to die on the vine to allow some semblance of peace to occur between both of you.

Your mother must be advancing in years, for the sake of her health and well being let this sit for awhile.


Julia

[lillyfox]

Im sorry, it diddnt go well for you. I was very young when i told my parents i was a girl........they put me thru hell and back with all sorts of "professionals" in truth they have never accepted it and as a result I have no real relationship with them or anyone els in my family except my sister who is awesome. Its a sad hard fact that most people cant grasp the reality we face. yes we are different from the "norm" but we are not unnatural, we are human beings with lots of emotion and it hurts so bad to have to be so misunderstood and persecuted. I do hope so much that your mother will open her eyes and accept you for who you are. as for your father, just try to break it to him gently. My father could get rather abusive physically as well as verbally so i guess Im not a good example lol. i wish the best of luck to you, sweety. -Lilly-

[Melody Moore]

Hi,

Mothers have a very hard time accepting their child is intersex, transsexual or transgender for a variety of reasons,
but let me tell you about my own experiences. First of all I was born intersex and my parents knew about it & I was
surgically assigned the sex of a male. So even despite this fact, my mother has got it in her head that she had a boy
and nothing else. Over the years she has told everyone she has a son in me, but also doesn't want to face up to
telling people that she has a daughter instead. So she has her own shame & guilt to deal with just in that alone.

I have also learnt that mothers who give birth to intersex children or any child with some type of abnormality feel
like they failed and often blame themselves. And the same can be said for a parent of a transsexual or transgender
child and often believe that they were bad parents. They can also have fears about how this will reflect upon them,
especially in conservative families.

Parents will grieve the loss of their child who is undergoing gender transition in the same sort of way as if the child
had of died. A son who is a M-F transsexual has died in their eyes and this is probably the most difficult they deal
with. Once get over all the grief and the shame and guilt, then they can start to develop some understanding and
acceptance, but that usually won't happen until they stop grieving and get over their other issues. So it is very
important to give them time and space to come to terms with things.

Also I didn't know I was born intersex until after I started my transition, but that was revealed through a test done
by my endocrinologist. But more physical evidence was discovered soon after that when I had gallbladder surgery.

It has been almost 18 months since I came out to my parents who are divorced. I thought my mother was going to
be the most accepting and that my father would be the one to totally reject me. My Dad just said to me, "It's your
life, you do whatever you want". My mother on the other hand came straight out & accused me of trying to hide my
real identity and running a way from something. WTF? I just told her that there was easier ways to hide than going
through gender transition. My mother comes out with some very strange things. Since then she has tried to make a
joke of me when I call her, then she just hangs up the phone. One time she answered the phone and then said to me
"Am I talking to a boy or a girl?" I said to her "You are talking to your child". **CLICK** she hung when I said that.

My mother needs to realise that no matter what I am still her child and I do really care about her no matter how rude
she is to me. Nothing has changed inside of me, I am still the same person, but a lot more happier & totally at peace.

After I first came out, called my parents regularly about once a month to test the waters and see how they were
accepting things. I have never brought up the intersex or transitioning issues with either of them. So they did not
know that I found out about the secret they kept from me about the abnormality with my birth sex.

Instead what has happened is my mother has gone into total denial and has shown her true colours by continuing
lying and being a nasty b!tch towards me despite the fact I have always been very respectful towards her. But my
father has been the one that has shocked & surprised me the most and is a totally different man to me now who I
really love dearly. I never got on with my father growing up because of his drinking and domestic violence & abuse,
so I had a lot of hatred for him for most of my life. However he gave up his drinking quite a few years ago now after
they divorced and now lives alone in my state's capital, Brisbane & I live 1800klms north in far North Queensland.

Here is what happened....

When I called him the second time after month or so, I asked him how he was, he told me he was having issues with
his gallbladder and needed to have surgery to get it removed. Well after I told him that I had the surgery earlier in
the year for the exact same thing he was interested to know about the surgery and was asking me questions about
the procedure & the recovery. So we actually found some common ground over our gall bladder issues of all things.

The next time I called him up another month later again I asked him how he was going with his gallbladder and he
told me he was put on a waiting list for surgery. The low and behold he turns around and asks me how was I going
to get $13.500 for surgery in Thailand? I was gob-smacked when he said that and asked him "How come you know
how much the surgery over there costs?". His reply was "I was reading about it in a That's Life! magazine". Since
then he has told me that he has read a number of articles about transgender people, including about another trans
friend of mine a married Australian Army Captain who transition & is still in the services & her wife also stuck by her.
Dad was really amazed at their story & really surprised when I told him that I knew this woman personally now.

I came out and told Dad that I had learnt the secret they had kept from me being an intersex child and he just went
silent. I continued to tell him that I wasn't angry and that they were in no way responsible for the way that I was. I
said I wasnt angry about anything and that they believed they were making the best decision for me. It failed, but it's
OK, that is life! It is just how nature decides to deal the cards to us sometimes. Dad just said, "Well I am glad that you
are dealing with it now". I am also convinced that he always knew that it was a bad decision to assign me as a male,
but with the way things are now I am fairly sure that it was my mother who really made most of that decision and why
she is now in this deep state of denial and doesn't want me anywhere near her. She finds me too confronting to deal
with.

Dad & I have been talking more and more regularly now, usually once a week, sometimes a couple of times a week since
he said he is now thinking about travelling up on the train to visit me. My father has never gone out of his way in his life
for me, so that will be a first that is for sure. He said he want to see me now as a woman so he can accept it better. So
he sounds ready for me to be his daughter now and not his son.

As for my mother, I wont write her off while people say that I should. I will keep calling up every now and again, especially
on her birthday, mothers day and Christmas day and wishing her all the best. I will continue to love her and have hope that
one day she finally works out her issues and finds a way forward. And I think that is the best that any of us can hope for.
:hugs: Good Luck!

[Traci Elizabeth]

I am 48 years old and in therapy with myself and also professionals. My Mom is is 66 and yes I agree this is very hard for parents

If you are 48 you are more than old enough to control your own life and not worry about what your parents think. Telling them as a courtesy is fine but seeking their permission or approval is something you should not be looking for as you are a grown adult.

[Hope]

If you are 48 you are more than old enough to control your own life and not worry about what your parents think. Telling them as a courtesy is fine but seeking their permission or approval is something you should not be looking for as you are a grown adult.

I would concur with this 100%.

I would also add that if you had a positive relationship with them before, you will want to give your mom some time, use the kid-gloves with her, and be gentle. You have had your whole life to deal with this. She has had... a week or so? Give her a moment to breath, and talk with her, but be firm about what you already know: this isn't a phase, this isn't going away, this isn't new, you are not crazy, you love her, but you don't need her permission.

Ultimately she will either get on board or she will not. Do your part, and more, to help her get on board with this, but if she finally refuses to support you, be prepared to move forward without her approval. You are a big girl, you don't need her permission.

[donnalee]

There are certain things that need to be discussed in person, not over the phone or by email, and this is one of them. I'm sure your mom felt blindsided by your call and had a defensive reaction to it, especially if she was on vacation.You need to sit down with her and speak to her, in private. You will see a skewed result if you discuss it in front of a group as they will not want to vary from their perceived group opinion. One is far more likely to see someone's true feelings when issues are discussed privately.

[DanaR]

Sadly, the reality is that some people can never accept this. That is why I say some people just don't need to know. Your parents are probably trying to enjoy their retirement, this might be very difficult for them. If you are thinking about transition, tell them later, they might not notice for a while. If you are looking for their approval, you might not get it.

[Kelsy]

Sadly, the reality is that some people can never accept this. That is why I say some people just don't need to know. .

I am out to my whole family except for my fundamentalist sister for obvious reasons and I won't make an effort to tell her. She will hear through the grapevine. Why suffer judgement when there is no need! My Mom was wonderful and very open, to my surprise, but I think there is an un-spoken hope on her part that I'll "come to my senses" . I decided at the very beginning that I had to transition and no amount of disapproval is going to stop me.

I spent my entire life trying to please others it didn't work out so well!
K

[Beth Mays]

their permission or approval is something you should not be looking for as you are a grown adult.

Amen!

If you need their approvial at 48 I hate to think how things were at 16. Not to sound mean, but geez!




Beth