Holding Myself Back and Getting Out of My Own Way

[Anna Talyn]

Holding Myself Back and Getting Out of My Own Way

Further along my crossdressing journey than I let even myself in on

Crossdressing is a tumultuous hobby to have. I have made many efforts at it and often feel discouraged for still not knowing where this fits into my life as a happily married man with a traditional valued Wife.

I recently have been examining just how many steps I have taken and compared it to where I feel I am in this journey. The difference is so much bugger than I realized. I was discovered by my Wife years ago in a traumatic incident where she assumed the worst and thought I may be cheating (more so because what else was there to consider in “normalville”). We had shared times and events previously that hinted heavily at my interests but hadn’t explored them in conversation and tried to ignore it.

We had an amazing Halloween party a few years later where I was a lesbian vampire in a little stretch velvet red dress and later had a few shopping trips where I picked up some lingerie for myself but was too embarrassed to actually get styles that looked good and fit good. I never wore these items with my Wife around despite purchasing them with her present. She did say she would never be interested in being intimate with me in feminine guise.

I have sent some web articles and wish lists to her and was met with what felt like rejection and was told go ahead and do it but don’t involve her or let her see it. Basically out of sight out of mind. This approach started causing resentment and frustration and I knew it couldn’t continue for long without negative consequences. It did continue this way for years though. Life kept throwing challenges that I placed before my own mental health and interests.

Recently my Wife commented that she wants to know about more sides of me and felt the distance that had grown between us on the intimate level (never the love level, that grew stronger through everything) and said she knows that she needs to accept my feminine side more as well.

http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7008/6711174363_d4d666646b.jpg (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/)
1162012i (http://www.flickr.com/photos/annatalyn/6711174363/) by Anna Talyn (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/), on wordpress

This is where I really started to realize I am getting in my own way. So what did I do with the this new opportunity? I went backwards and retreated further. I always value family and my Wife over my own interests and feelings. But I am realizing that this is only temporary before it takes a negative toll back on those I am trying to protect. I realize I take this all way to seriously and in the wise words of Dale Carnegie I need to “stop worrying and start living”! I need to start having fun with this like I would with any other hobby and hopefully get to share my joy with others.

Do you find you are the one holding yourself back as well, beside the obvious social fears?

[DanaR]

There are many that call this a hobby, but I do not. It is more than that to me. My feminine side is at least equal to my masculine side. I've mentioned in other threads that in recent years I've cut back on my feminine expression and dressing; which I have been trying to change. In other words, I need to start living more.

[Anna Talyn]

Thanks for the comment Dana and a good point on the hobby adjective. I use the word as a method to convey how I have treated it, hoping it was so easy to ignore but knowing full well it wasn't. It is a negative word and a positive one at the same time for me, as I have not been honest or fair to myself but it is also a way to help me remember to find joy in it also while I try to find my way. I hope 2012 is your time to live!

[jillleanne]

Hobbies pass, expressing yourself will not. I have hobbies because I like having hobbies. I an tg because I have to be. I also happen to love being tg.

[vikki2020]

Yeah, sometimes I feel that I have gone this far, and the next step has to be across the line, that I can't return from. Seems like just a small step, and the only thing holding me is me!

[DanaR]

Yeah, sometimes I feel that I have gone this far, and the next step has to be across the line, that I can't return from. Seems like just a small step, and the only thing holding me is me!
That can be a tough line to cross. Something that I thought about years ago and realized that there were too many things to give up; which just wouldn't be worth it to me.

[Heisthebride]

One persons hobby is another ones lifestyle. Hobby is a perfectly good word if it applies to you, I use it all the time but someone else may feel this word doesn't apply to them.

Just like my wife wouldnt like me to golf every Saturday and Sunday. And while she is accepting, she wouldn't want me to dress all of the time either. You need to come up with a solution that you both can accept and that requires communication. It might require give and take on both sides too. Sit down and talk about your desires and expectations and listen to hers as well. No solution is likely to be a good one if it's one sided.

Enjoy yourself, it's a good thing to be happy.

[docrobbysherry]

Anna, like Heist says above, "hobby", DOES apply to some of us! Altho, for me it's like a hobby of "heroin"!

And, "getting in our own way"? I have yet to meet the individual who HASN'T done that in one way or another their entire life!

[kimdl93]

Its interesting that you retreated somwehat when your wife expressed an interest in getting to know this side of you better. My thought is that you need to take some time occassionally just to talk about the what's, why's and how's. Part of this is just to clear the air, but even more importantly is for the two of you to be able to share openly how you feel about this part of your life.

Its not really about getting your way - rather its about trusting her enough to tell her your deepest emotional secrets and being willing to listen and absorb hers.

[GBJoker]

kimdl93: Tell some one my deepest emotional secrets and be willing to listen to and respect some one else's deepest emotional secrets? Never. A combination of my not wanting, and not being able to do it.

Anna Talyn: Yes, I do hold myself back quite a bit. Am getting pretty good at it as well. One could say... "Too good." I have two outfits; one is normal clothes, other is pajamas, and I never wear either. I feel like crap after wearing the clothes, and for various reasons. Those include: I don't look/feel passable (and there is some truth in that one, for sure), I can't wear stuff around the house (parents give me crap about every little thing I do already...), and I know a for fact I'd be more comfortable if I had a friend to hang out with when dressed (or having a RL friend at all).