Anna Talyn
01-17-2012, 03:33 AM
Holding Myself Back and Getting Out of My Own Way
Further along my crossdressing journey than I let even myself in on
Crossdressing is a tumultuous hobby to have. I have made many efforts at it and often feel discouraged for still not knowing where this fits into my life as a happily married man with a traditional valued Wife.
I recently have been examining just how many steps I have taken and compared it to where I feel I am in this journey. The difference is so much bugger than I realized. I was discovered by my Wife years ago in a traumatic incident where she assumed the worst and thought I may be cheating (more so because what else was there to consider in “normalville”). We had shared times and events previously that hinted heavily at my interests but hadn’t explored them in conversation and tried to ignore it.
We had an amazing Halloween party a few years later where I was a lesbian vampire in a little stretch velvet red dress and later had a few shopping trips where I picked up some lingerie for myself but was too embarrassed to actually get styles that looked good and fit good. I never wore these items with my Wife around despite purchasing them with her present. She did say she would never be interested in being intimate with me in feminine guise.
I have sent some web articles and wish lists to her and was met with what felt like rejection and was told go ahead and do it but don’t involve her or let her see it. Basically out of sight out of mind. This approach started causing resentment and frustration and I knew it couldn’t continue for long without negative consequences. It did continue this way for years though. Life kept throwing challenges that I placed before my own mental health and interests.
Recently my Wife commented that she wants to know about more sides of me and felt the distance that had grown between us on the intimate level (never the love level, that grew stronger through everything) and said she knows that she needs to accept my feminine side more as well.
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7008/6711174363_d4d666646b.jpg (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/)
1162012i (http://www.flickr.com/photos/annatalyn/6711174363/) by Anna Talyn (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/), on wordpress
This is where I really started to realize I am getting in my own way. So what did I do with the this new opportunity? I went backwards and retreated further. I always value family and my Wife over my own interests and feelings. But I am realizing that this is only temporary before it takes a negative toll back on those I am trying to protect. I realize I take this all way to seriously and in the wise words of Dale Carnegie I need to “stop worrying and start living”! I need to start having fun with this like I would with any other hobby and hopefully get to share my joy with others.
Do you find you are the one holding yourself back as well, beside the obvious social fears?
Further along my crossdressing journey than I let even myself in on
Crossdressing is a tumultuous hobby to have. I have made many efforts at it and often feel discouraged for still not knowing where this fits into my life as a happily married man with a traditional valued Wife.
I recently have been examining just how many steps I have taken and compared it to where I feel I am in this journey. The difference is so much bugger than I realized. I was discovered by my Wife years ago in a traumatic incident where she assumed the worst and thought I may be cheating (more so because what else was there to consider in “normalville”). We had shared times and events previously that hinted heavily at my interests but hadn’t explored them in conversation and tried to ignore it.
We had an amazing Halloween party a few years later where I was a lesbian vampire in a little stretch velvet red dress and later had a few shopping trips where I picked up some lingerie for myself but was too embarrassed to actually get styles that looked good and fit good. I never wore these items with my Wife around despite purchasing them with her present. She did say she would never be interested in being intimate with me in feminine guise.
I have sent some web articles and wish lists to her and was met with what felt like rejection and was told go ahead and do it but don’t involve her or let her see it. Basically out of sight out of mind. This approach started causing resentment and frustration and I knew it couldn’t continue for long without negative consequences. It did continue this way for years though. Life kept throwing challenges that I placed before my own mental health and interests.
Recently my Wife commented that she wants to know about more sides of me and felt the distance that had grown between us on the intimate level (never the love level, that grew stronger through everything) and said she knows that she needs to accept my feminine side more as well.
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7008/6711174363_d4d666646b.jpg (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/)
1162012i (http://www.flickr.com/photos/annatalyn/6711174363/) by Anna Talyn (http://annatalyn.wordpress.com/), on wordpress
This is where I really started to realize I am getting in my own way. So what did I do with the this new opportunity? I went backwards and retreated further. I always value family and my Wife over my own interests and feelings. But I am realizing that this is only temporary before it takes a negative toll back on those I am trying to protect. I realize I take this all way to seriously and in the wise words of Dale Carnegie I need to “stop worrying and start living”! I need to start having fun with this like I would with any other hobby and hopefully get to share my joy with others.
Do you find you are the one holding yourself back as well, beside the obvious social fears?