abigailf
01-19-2012, 07:59 AM
My mother lives about 45 minutes from me. I would be at an electrolysis appointment just before meeting my brother however, so I expected the commute to be about an hour. I told him I would meet him at mom’s at 3pm (because my appointment ends at 2pm). My mom was away for a month, so the house would be empty and make for a good private conversation.
There is only one thing I can really focus on when at electrolysis, turning off the pain receptors in my face. So I did not think much about my meeting with my brother while lying on that dreadful table. The pinching, poking and heating up of my follicles is more than I can handle, especially for an hour. I think I may go down to 45 minute sessions. When I heard the DJ on the radio say it was 1:30 I thought “Oh God! I’m, only half done?”
Well, I quickly got on the road after leaving my appointment. My face was still stinging. I am reminded of that joke “Hey, does your face hurt” … “No.” … “well it’s killing me! Ha ha ha ha.” Anyway, I wanted to make sure I got ahead of any potential traffic. So, once I mentally mapped out my route I started to spend some thought cycles on my meeting with my brother. How should I start? Where should I be standing? How do I respond to his questions? What if he freaks out?
I have done this a few times already, it does get easier each time, but I still get nervous and anxious. I met with my oldest brother and my oldest sister before this. Actually she will meet us at my mom’s too to support both of us and also because there is so much more I wanted to say to her. When I told her last I did not have time to talk about the details.
I have very few if an male clothes anymore. Mostly suits and work things. So I was dressed in jeans that were not really girly, a plain green ladies t-shirt over a cami. I also had on a light jacket and a heavier unisex jacket over that. I wore my white and blue striped new balance 623W’s. I did not put on any makeup, except my brow definer to cover the gray hair in my brows.
I got to my mother’s before them. I had told them I may be 10 minutes late because I was coming from a distance and I don’t know how traffic would be. Turns out I was 10 minutes early. The nervousness begins to creep in. So I took off my outer coat and then used the bathroom and searched the house for any potential problems. As my mom is away I wanted to make sure it was still secure and undamaged by anything extraordinary.
Traditionally, the way I dealt with nervousness, fear, or stress is to get right into it. I don’t like those emotions. They are very uncomfortable, so I want to get it over with as soon as possible. However, they weren’t here yet, so I was forced to wait. 10 minutes felt like forever. They arrived about 5 after 3. That was fine as I originally told them I may be 10 minutes late.
They came in we gave out standard hugs and kisses. In my family, even the guys hug and kiss each other. It’s just the way we are. I went right to the kitchen table and they followed. My sister sat down and I stood with my brother and I started to talk. Actually I was talking as we were walking to the table.
“So, I am sure you are curious as to why I asked you here so let me get right to it. I had already told Kim briefly, so she is somewhat familiar with what I have to say. I have been dealing with something of late and it is something that dates back for many years. I am a transsexual. Do you know what that is?”
My brother shakes his head and says “not really.” I said, “Well, the short description is I am a girl in a guys body. However, transsexuals can also be guys in girl bodies.” I left a pause for it to sink in. He look a bit speechless so I continued on not allowing any awkward silence. The cat was out of the bag now so there is nothing left to be nervous or worried about. He did not freak out or go running from the house.
I continued “You may be more familiar with the terms; cross dresser, transvestite or even drag queen. Although I am in the same gender variant realm, they are nothing like what I am. They are all guys that dress and present as girls for whatever reason and not that they think they are girls. However, some of them are likely to become transsexual. That’s because they are and just have not accepted it for themselves.” Now I don’t know how accurate that is general, but it is pretty much my story which is why I followed up with “That is pretty much like what I went through.”
At this point he came to his senses and started to ask questions. He was focused on trying to understand how I knew I was transsexual. What if it is just some fad, or stage or something. I thought it was a great question and he had many really good questions. I won’t go into details here as I am not sure I can recall them all. Most of the meeting seems like a blur now and I am trying my best to remember so I could log it here.
I did not go into the gory details of my past except for a few occasions which he was somewhat involved. Like how I used to sleep in a terry cloth romper while he was sleeping in the bed across the room. I did however explained enough to get him the gist of how I came to be. We talked about the things I remember how I acted and behaved. All these things were further evidence of my condition.
We talked about my sexual orientation. This is always an interesting topic for me. I have never been sexually attracted to men, well, not in the physical sense anyway. However, I do have some strong emotional bonds with some of them. The thing is, the sense of beauty is mostly learned. We are brainwashed from a young age to know what it means to be beautiful. As I was taught to be a boy I learned that having a beautiful girlfriend was a good thing. Now, I find many women beautiful, but I can’t say for sure (in hind sight) if that finding is sexual based or jealousy based. Either way, today I still do not find men sexually attractive and as I am still married it is a moot point. If my wife decides to leave me, then maybe I would consider dating men, but not before.
My sister asked me about my having sex and did I enjoy it. I answered truthfully. I never liked receiving oral. It always felt weird and strange. Intercourse was okay I suppose, but it never wowed me. There were other ways to have orgasms with a woman without stroking, at least for me there is. However, I am not going to mention it hear.
They asked about my relationship with my wife, my kids, and my friends. The wondered how I was going to act around certain people and so forth. I answered honestly or most of them saying that I don’t know. This is my first time at being transsexual and it is a learning experience for me. All I know is I have been dealing with this for a long time and I finally have come to terms with it.
We talked for about an hour and exhausted most topics at least for the time being. He said he was going to talk to his wife and that I didn’t have to worry about that. They both were happy I told them and wished I would have done it sooner. They said I have their support and love and can reach out to them anytime I need.
Well all got up, locked the door to my mother’s house. Said our good-byes and went our separate ways. My brother and sister live in the same town and drove over together. So I am sure they had a nice chat on the way home. I will reach out to my sister later and see how it went.
I thought of something ironic on my trip home. One of my brother’s sons is my godson. My godson’s god mother is a lesbian. Hmmm, how will he take it when he finds out his god father is a lesbian too. Well, that is a worry for another day. I asked my brother not to talk to anyone until I spoke to our mother. He agreed that would be wise.
There is only one thing I can really focus on when at electrolysis, turning off the pain receptors in my face. So I did not think much about my meeting with my brother while lying on that dreadful table. The pinching, poking and heating up of my follicles is more than I can handle, especially for an hour. I think I may go down to 45 minute sessions. When I heard the DJ on the radio say it was 1:30 I thought “Oh God! I’m, only half done?”
Well, I quickly got on the road after leaving my appointment. My face was still stinging. I am reminded of that joke “Hey, does your face hurt” … “No.” … “well it’s killing me! Ha ha ha ha.” Anyway, I wanted to make sure I got ahead of any potential traffic. So, once I mentally mapped out my route I started to spend some thought cycles on my meeting with my brother. How should I start? Where should I be standing? How do I respond to his questions? What if he freaks out?
I have done this a few times already, it does get easier each time, but I still get nervous and anxious. I met with my oldest brother and my oldest sister before this. Actually she will meet us at my mom’s too to support both of us and also because there is so much more I wanted to say to her. When I told her last I did not have time to talk about the details.
I have very few if an male clothes anymore. Mostly suits and work things. So I was dressed in jeans that were not really girly, a plain green ladies t-shirt over a cami. I also had on a light jacket and a heavier unisex jacket over that. I wore my white and blue striped new balance 623W’s. I did not put on any makeup, except my brow definer to cover the gray hair in my brows.
I got to my mother’s before them. I had told them I may be 10 minutes late because I was coming from a distance and I don’t know how traffic would be. Turns out I was 10 minutes early. The nervousness begins to creep in. So I took off my outer coat and then used the bathroom and searched the house for any potential problems. As my mom is away I wanted to make sure it was still secure and undamaged by anything extraordinary.
Traditionally, the way I dealt with nervousness, fear, or stress is to get right into it. I don’t like those emotions. They are very uncomfortable, so I want to get it over with as soon as possible. However, they weren’t here yet, so I was forced to wait. 10 minutes felt like forever. They arrived about 5 after 3. That was fine as I originally told them I may be 10 minutes late.
They came in we gave out standard hugs and kisses. In my family, even the guys hug and kiss each other. It’s just the way we are. I went right to the kitchen table and they followed. My sister sat down and I stood with my brother and I started to talk. Actually I was talking as we were walking to the table.
“So, I am sure you are curious as to why I asked you here so let me get right to it. I had already told Kim briefly, so she is somewhat familiar with what I have to say. I have been dealing with something of late and it is something that dates back for many years. I am a transsexual. Do you know what that is?”
My brother shakes his head and says “not really.” I said, “Well, the short description is I am a girl in a guys body. However, transsexuals can also be guys in girl bodies.” I left a pause for it to sink in. He look a bit speechless so I continued on not allowing any awkward silence. The cat was out of the bag now so there is nothing left to be nervous or worried about. He did not freak out or go running from the house.
I continued “You may be more familiar with the terms; cross dresser, transvestite or even drag queen. Although I am in the same gender variant realm, they are nothing like what I am. They are all guys that dress and present as girls for whatever reason and not that they think they are girls. However, some of them are likely to become transsexual. That’s because they are and just have not accepted it for themselves.” Now I don’t know how accurate that is general, but it is pretty much my story which is why I followed up with “That is pretty much like what I went through.”
At this point he came to his senses and started to ask questions. He was focused on trying to understand how I knew I was transsexual. What if it is just some fad, or stage or something. I thought it was a great question and he had many really good questions. I won’t go into details here as I am not sure I can recall them all. Most of the meeting seems like a blur now and I am trying my best to remember so I could log it here.
I did not go into the gory details of my past except for a few occasions which he was somewhat involved. Like how I used to sleep in a terry cloth romper while he was sleeping in the bed across the room. I did however explained enough to get him the gist of how I came to be. We talked about the things I remember how I acted and behaved. All these things were further evidence of my condition.
We talked about my sexual orientation. This is always an interesting topic for me. I have never been sexually attracted to men, well, not in the physical sense anyway. However, I do have some strong emotional bonds with some of them. The thing is, the sense of beauty is mostly learned. We are brainwashed from a young age to know what it means to be beautiful. As I was taught to be a boy I learned that having a beautiful girlfriend was a good thing. Now, I find many women beautiful, but I can’t say for sure (in hind sight) if that finding is sexual based or jealousy based. Either way, today I still do not find men sexually attractive and as I am still married it is a moot point. If my wife decides to leave me, then maybe I would consider dating men, but not before.
My sister asked me about my having sex and did I enjoy it. I answered truthfully. I never liked receiving oral. It always felt weird and strange. Intercourse was okay I suppose, but it never wowed me. There were other ways to have orgasms with a woman without stroking, at least for me there is. However, I am not going to mention it hear.
They asked about my relationship with my wife, my kids, and my friends. The wondered how I was going to act around certain people and so forth. I answered honestly or most of them saying that I don’t know. This is my first time at being transsexual and it is a learning experience for me. All I know is I have been dealing with this for a long time and I finally have come to terms with it.
We talked for about an hour and exhausted most topics at least for the time being. He said he was going to talk to his wife and that I didn’t have to worry about that. They both were happy I told them and wished I would have done it sooner. They said I have their support and love and can reach out to them anytime I need.
Well all got up, locked the door to my mother’s house. Said our good-byes and went our separate ways. My brother and sister live in the same town and drove over together. So I am sure they had a nice chat on the way home. I will reach out to my sister later and see how it went.
I thought of something ironic on my trip home. One of my brother’s sons is my godson. My godson’s god mother is a lesbian. Hmmm, how will he take it when he finds out his god father is a lesbian too. Well, that is a worry for another day. I asked my brother not to talk to anyone until I spoke to our mother. He agreed that would be wise.