I need your thoughts and experience.

[Elizabeth Ann]

This is a followup from an issue I posted on the crossdressing forum about two weeks ago, but I really need the benefit of your thoughts and experiences. Some of you will probably be offended or critical. I apologize in advance, and would ask you to feel free to tell me what you think.

I am a crossdresser, and it is barely more than a fetish with me. I never completely dressed until my 50's, and although I have "graduated" from the fetish stage, my motivation may be more escapism than anything else.

About two weeks ago, our 21 year old son came home and gave us this note:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm not exactly sure how to start this. I guess we've never been very good at the big talks, although that could just be me. Anyways, I think I'll go the cryptic analogy route.

Dad, you're a sailor. It's an inseparable component of your identity. You love sailing, and as an extension of that, you love your boat. You loved when you got it, but you've spent countless hours making it better because you want it to be something you're proud of.

At this point, you're probably only more confused, so I'll just say it. Your boat for you is analogous to my body for me, although I have yet to modify it. As for sailing itself, that's analogous to my gender. Here's what I need to tell you guys: as it turns out, I am not your son. I am your second daughter. I am a transgendered woman.

I'm sure there are plenty of questions flying through your head right now. I'll gladly drive home so we can talk about this face to face, but for now, here's some important stuff:
-I realized and came to terms with all this about two months ago.
-Ashleah, a few close friends, and Laura are the only ones who know so far.
-I'm starting hormones soon (hopefully). Finding an endocrinologist right now.
-I'm not a "woman born in a man's body." I'm a woman born with my body, which happened to have male sex characteristics. It just needs tweaking.
-My chosen name is Davinia. It's a female form of David, and shortens to Davin, which rimes with Gavin.

I love you both a lot. I couldn't have asked for better parents, and I can't wait to talk about all this. I hope you both take this well, and I apologize for being a bit out of myself for the past 21 years.

Love,
Davina

We have assured him that our love and support is unconditional, but his mother has been a basket case for the last two weeks. He doesn't know about my crossdressing, and we do not want to confuse things or pile on the issues by telling him about it right now.

Here is where I need your thoughts, as a check against my own biases. I have had three long talks with him, two of them just the two of us. The discussion was frank and non-judgmental, and I listened carefully. With a more than casual understanding of the issues, I noted several points I thought significant.

Most importantly, he indicated that this is a very recent development for him, and is not something he felt as a child. He has been seeing a therapist about this for only two months, and even his live-in girlfriend of two years was surprised by this as well. I have the impression that virtually all of the transexuals on this forum felt this way from early childhood.

Surprisingly, he talked a great deal in general terms about getting in touch with his emotions, but almost nothing about feelings about gender. Always a quiet and reserved child, he floored me with a story about getting into an argument with his girlfriend. "For the first time," he said, "I got angry." He is exploring new territory in the transition from adolescent to adult, and is coping with enormous changes. My own therapist (who has not met David), echoed my own conclusions that this is perhaps too quick, that it is a person feeling alienated and seizing on the first explanation that comes along.

I confess that I kept thinking about how difficult this would make his life, but my own feeling is that he is still searching for who he is. The note shows his thinking a bit muddled and confusing. He may well be transgendered, but I think there are less indications that he is transexual.

I know this is not much to go on, but I would appreciate your thoughts on this, as well as what you think I should do.

I apologize for the length of this.
Regards,
Liz

[AllieSF]

Congratulations on the birth of your new daughter. How lucky she is to have both of you as parents and it is a shame that she does not know about you. I understand your concerns and based on this very short synapses of your conversations with her. For now she is a she to everyone and not a he anymore until she tells you differently. She definitely needs to continue her therapy and hopefully has someone very well qualified that will pose those needed direct questions to help both ascertain whether she is or is not a she.

I personally think that if your daughter is in a high positive and happy mode for finally being free to be herself, it is also a good time for you and your wife to share your secret with her. I personally do not see you adding another burden to hers, but rather telling her that you understand much more than she imagines that you do. That is a benefit to her and will take away some of her fears of how you and your wife are taking her grand reveal. You should do that face to face and probably with your wife present too. You are a team and family and this will bring you all closer together.

You two have so much in common and both you and your wife can easily relate to what she is experiencing and going through internally. I also think that by telling her about you, she will probably, and hopefully, have more respect for your recommendations, like delaying HRT until she has had more counseling. Or maybe she will even open up more to you. You can only say so much in the encounters that you have already had with her. You all have a very important opportunity to bond closer as a family and to make great strides and provide mutual support in each of your own lives too. Go for it.

Whatever you do and she does, I wish all of you, including your wife, the best of luck.

[kellycan27]

Writing that letter was probably quite difficult for him. I am sure there were a million thoughts running through his head at the time. There was certainly not enough in the letter to describe exactly what he is feeling. He may or may not be transsexual, but i don't think it's your place to second guess him. I think that this is something that you should let him work out between himself and his therapist. The best thing (IMHO) that you could do is to be supportive. Having you and his mother on his side will help make things a lot easier for him to handle.. either way.:2c:

Kel

[Stephenie S]

Yup. Kelly said it good.

Try not to be judgmental. Heck, DON'T be judgmental!

She has got to be afforded the dignity of deciding her own gender. You actually don't have a lot in common. You stated that you are a crossdresser. Your new daughter is most certainly not, according to her, a crossdresser.

And you are not showing her a whole lot of support either. You recount her new gender and her new name, and then spend the whole post referring to HE and HIM.

There is much that you can do, but first and foremost, and most important, is acceptance.

Stephie

[Traci Elizabeth]

First off you have nothing to apologize to us about. You are coming here for help.

I would have no idea what the situation is with your daughter (son) or what she is actually feeling. But you are right in being a supportive parent.

Good parents do not make decision for their adult children nor condemn them but they do listen with a compassionate heart, are non-judgmental, advise, counsel, and love. As a concerned parent, I am sure you will encourage her to seek professional counseling to help determine if in fact your daughter is a transsexual or there are other underlining issues that resulted in this proclamation from your daughter.

There is no easy answer other than she needs professional help and support. If in the final analysis, she is indeed transsexual then I am sure you will support her 100%. And you are right, now is not the time to tell you daughter that you are a CD. It could actually result in being a conformation by your daughter that she is right by virtue of your lifestyle which would not be an outcome you would be expecting.

Your daughter has come to you. Don't shut the doors of communication by being judgmental, overbearing, controlling or having lack of empathy.

And as for your question as did we know it from our earliest childhood memories? Some of us did. Others just came to that understanding late in life and every thing in between. There is NO road-map or timetable that one has to follow to be transsexual.

In closing, I have three words for your daughter: counseling, counseling, counseling...especially from a professional with solid transgender experience.

[Inna]

Elizabeth Ann, wow, where to begin! It is mind boggling how our minds work and quite often we catch our self on the act of doing exactly what drove us so insane when our parents did it to us :) DON'T BE A PARENT! Be your DAUGHTERS best friend, right now she needs it the most. Also, and this is going to be very difficult for you, TRUTH and nothing but the truth hon. Tell her about your crossdressing and all the feelings you have on the subject, here is where you have an opportunity of a life time to become inseparable and truly The Best Friend she will have. As a parent you want to spare her the pain and anguish of what this issue brings along but pain and anguish is what must happen and will be the beginning of cleansing so necessary right now.
Engage, be forthright, one for all, all for one, show immaculate love, without borders, without boundaries, without conditions.

Transgenderism doesn't appear out of nowhere and anyone who experiences feelings of gender dysphoria, is in fact a transgender. Severity of actions is up to the individual but wondering if such questioning might be a mistake remains a wishful and quite naive notion. I do understand, at the same time, that such behavior is a natural way to make absolutely sure your child doesn't suffer. From what you tell us, your child had been suffering already however knowledge of being trans is quite new, and here is your chance to let the love show the way. For starters I wonder if you can call her "HER" if you haven't already? Simple measure of acceptance no matter what, shall show her your true beauty and friendship.

I am sorry if I had written this a bit direct, but that is what you had asked for, I think? I want you to know that I don't think your position is by any means any easier by being a transgender your self, but you do have a chance to show her that despite potential feeling of guilt and regret she is not alone in this world.

All my love hon, Inna

[Asako]

First off, a part of the note:the boat analogy and how I see it.

Obviously, they chose something that is a central part of what makes you who you are and they tried to stress how inseparable that part is from you. From that, I personally gather that you would be MISERABLE if you couldn't go sailing. For them, expressing their identity is inseparable as well. By linking together "gender" and "identity", I would guess they're trying to express how inseparable those two concepts are from them. While I can "kind of" understand what they tried to say with the analogy, I think their message was lost between the lines. If anything, I'd say they were VERY worried and anxious over their parents' reactions.


Then, another part of the note:
"-I'm starting hormones soon (hopefully). Finding an endocrinologist right now."

If they've already been approved for hormones, then that means a therapist has quite possibly deemed them as suffering from GID. Regardless of how this turns out, you and your wife are in for a bumpy ride which may be similar to what my parents are experiencing. The best thing my parents have done, despite not "fully" understanding me being trans, is to stress that they love me and are there for me should I need them for anything.


"My own therapist (who has not met David), echoed my own conclusions that this is perhaps too quick, that it is a person feeling alienated and seizing on the first explanation that comes along. "

What are you and your therapist basing that conclusion on? Does your therapist have experience with trans people of any sort? That would affect my reaction considerably to this. I ask those questions because I prefer not to make assumptions about why you're seeing your therapist.Furthermore, exactly what is it that makes you think they are feeling alienated and by WHO? Where is that thought even coming from? By your child's actions and/or words or something else?


I'm sure there's more I could pick at to better understand what is going on but I need sleep or I will be a zombie tomorrow at work. (It's 1am)

[Krististeph]

You know- this is such an easy answer: Just keep taking to your son. Just keep talking. period. All the hard part is over- if you decide to tellyou son, it will come at the right time.

You are so lucky your son opened up to you- you obviously did at least something well in raising your son. This will work out, as long as you just keep talking. it will take time. As for your wife, i cannot comment, her obstacles are her own, and she has to work them herself. Do support her, whether or not you agree with her, let her know you understand her feelings- right or wrong.

Go slow- make no big decisions now- you do not need to. let the Chinese year of the dragon be the year that you learn and digest that info- dragons are supposedly erudite.

good luck, and when in doubt; smile, and step back and think about other possible viewing angles...

I have so much confidence for you about this!

[Aprilrain]

Allow your child to come to their own conclusions with the help of their therapist. If you love your child then love them that is all that is required of you. You have made a good choice in seeking advise here, therapist not trained to specifically deal with TG clients usually have very little understanding of how to deal with us so I wouldn't put a lot of stock in something your therapist says about your child if he/she has not met your child.

Regarding the notion that TS know from their earliest memories. That simply is not always true. As far as I'm concerned 21 is quite young to be coming out and starting hormones. The average age is probably more like 40!

[Kristy_K]

He doesn't know about my crossdressing, and we do not want to confuse things or pile on the issues by telling him about it right now.


My thoughts on this is different because years ago my son was thinking about transitioning and he didn't know about my CDing at the time. He was so grateful to find out that I had some idea of what he was talking about and how he was feeling. We became very closed because of that.

My other thought is that he is trying very hard to be honest with everyone. It is really hard for me to be honest with someone that can't honest with you.

Now when my older brother transitioned my Dad rejected her. So I have learn from my brothers mistakes and haven't told my Dad. But it does makes me so very sad that my Dad doesn't know that I have transitioned. He lives in another state.

Hugs,
Kristy

[jillleanne]

Elizabeth, I fail to see how your being a cd and not telling him can help him, knowing he can trust you both and discuss this with both of you. Conversely, I believe if you tell him about yourself, he may see a greater bond between you both and know you understand who he is, hell, he may even want to blame you for his gender identity. I do not know of a better time to tell your child about yourself and to allow him to know, you can understand where he is coming from and that it's ok to be who he is. Have you forgotten, HE came to you with this information and you continue to remain hidden from him?

[Julia_in_Pa]

Liz,

First off I want to thank you for being a good parent and listening to your child.

It truly sounds like a classic textbook example of transsexuality.
More than likely your child has always known that he isn't a he.
Your child is in great need of therapy Liz.
Once in therapy all the conflict and pain will be sorted out and placed in proper context.
Is being transsexual hard? Yes it is but your child being anything else but true to herself is worse beyond description.
Be happy Liz that she is very young and if she does transition her assimilation into society as her true self will be relatively seamless.
Again thank you Liz for being there for her.


Julia

[Elizabeth Ann]

I am extremely grateful to everyone for their comments, and I apologize for the use of the male pronouns. It is surprisingly difficult for me, and David continues to live with his male persona to everyone. I will try to do better on this, but I beg everyone's patience.

As several of you have suggested, we sought to reassure David from the beginning. During the first time the three of us were together, despite my wife's tears and misgivings, we told him, "there is nothing you could do to diminish our love for you, and we will never turn our backs to you." I felt a little pain in my heart when he expressed relief at hearing that. Could he really believe that we would have thought otherwise?

Many of you felt that I should have said something about my own transgender issues. My first impulse was to do so and I was sorely tempted. I wanted to say anything that would sooth the anguish he was clearly feeling. I did feel that we needed to keep the focus on David, but the primary reason I did not is that his mother does not want him (or anyone, really) to know. Violating my promise to her is a big deal that I need to think about, but I may decide that there is a more important need for him to know.

I started this thread trying to sound objective and citing evidence, but the truth is that I simply feel the conflict within David. I have always understood his discomfort with the world, his search for his place. We are both terrible introverts. That boat he mentions? I have singlehanded it for a week and never missed having company. I am very good with ideas; not so much with people. It is why I always felt I was an inadequate father. When David was that cub scout whose cap is stolen and passed around him, about all I could do is tell him I was the same kid.

I watched him grow, following the same awkward path I did, and across the chasm of our mutual inability to connect, I tried to reassure him of his own self worth, that he had value. Something must have worked, and as a young adult, our relationship has been one of the delights of my life. I love discussing the issues of the day with him, and seeing his growing confidence and comfort with the world.

We are kindred spirits, David and I. That is why I feel like I understand what is going on in him more than his own ability to articulate it. I know how foreign the world seems to him, and what a wonderful refuge from being David that this might be. I can't tell you precisely why I think he is still trying to sort out who he is, but I know that I can feel it.

I may just be fooling myself into believing what I want to believe, so please continue to whack me with a 2X4 if you want. I need another perspective on this.

Sorry for the rambling, almost pointless post. I guess I am taking the contents of my head and laying it out like dresses on a bed. You get to look over my shoulder and tell me which ones you like.

Liz

[Inna]

I hear you, and what is apparent to me, that you put intellect in front of your heart. It isn't surprising that trans person should result to this after all, our guilt and sorrow for being who we are promoted closing the spiritual wisdom in place of manoeuvrings and hiding behind the intellectual facade.
However, I truly believe it is the miracle YOU had been waiting on, your child is here to release you from the life time of bond and in the process your child will become whole as well. TRUTH, as you put it your first response was to share your story, YES....... TRUTH speaks to you through your heart, but you choose the though over spirit. Allow your self for once to be who you really are, spill your guts to the one you call BEST FRIEND and see how mesmerizing and wonderful love can be. It is an unimaginable force I only learned about after my reveal. World truly is a most wonderful place, but we must have sight to discover its beauty. I once was blind, but now I can see!

[StephanieC]

I don't know if I can add anything to the comments above.

I think parents need to simply love and support children. Especially for adult children, we to give them space to determine their own path. For your new daughter, this may mean encouraging counseling but remaining non-judgmental. I know from experience that sometimes these realizations to manifest suddenly but usually build over a course of time: sometimes we just don't notice/realize.

I'm not sure it would help to mix your situation with that of your daughter, though you might now have a greater appreciation for certain aspects.

It sounds like your daughter knows the value of having the guidance of the physician when it comes to hormones: this is good. (Self-administering is risky.)

I think these realizations are hardest on people who see things as "fixed": you grow up to be someone who looks and acts in a certain way and you expect them to always be like that. But some people grown throughout their life and things can change. I think it's important to remember that some things remain constant: love for family, values, the things that make us who we are.

Blessings and good luck

-stephani

[abigailf]

I think I echo most everyone else.

Here are some thoughts or suggestions and I will leave out the diatribe of analysis in order to be brief.

- Let David/Davina be in charge of who she is. She is a big girl now.
- She may not yet have unlocked her feelings and memories from her past, She may yet learn of memories from childhood as time goes on.
- Not everyone has childhood experiences, some people do start late.
- She should spend more time learning herself, but it is her that has to do it. You just be there to support her and bail her out if need be. Let her talk and you just listen. If she wants your advise, then just ask questions back until she figures it our herself.
- Don't talk about yourself. This is not about you. The time will come when you should tell and you will know when that is.
- Console your wife, she is hurting, buy her flowers, let her know you love her and that David does to.

[melissaK]

IMHO, don't violate your promise to your wife to keep your CDing secret without talking to her first. She obviously has shame and fear issues tied to your CDing. You may too. And you're wife's feelings and coping strategies to deal with your CDing is nothing to be taken lightly.

IMHO, let Davinia continue on with her counselling without your involvement. I find it really really hard to watch my kids when they are in pain. TG's are in pain. But it's Davinia's life. If you advise or counsel - she'll be sorely tempted to reach a consensus with you, to please you to some degree, and that will inhibit her independent decision making. So, I'd stay out of the process except to say you offer unconditional support. Continue life with Davinia as it has always been.

IMHO, Davinia is not you. You do not walk in her moccasins so to speak. You don't really know exactly what she's feeling or is trying to work out as much as you think otherwise. Her self report of no childhood feelings is not necessarily reliable. It took me decades of counselling to realize all the acts and pieces of my childhood that were tied to repressing and hiding my TG feelings. If you asked me at 25 if I was TG I'd have denied it to you, though a quiet little voice inside was saying otherwise. After decades of counselling and introspection I see who I am, and how in my efforts to please parents and win friends and avoid ridicule I became someone else. If you involve yourself in an effort to guide or coach, you run a substantial risk of tying your approval to her behavior and short circuiting her self discovery. The fact she wrote you a letter rather than told you face to face likely indicates she fears talking with you because talking with you has historically led to her feeling manipulated or her feelings compromised in some way.

IMHO everything I said can be way off the mark because I don't really know you at all - I haven't walked in your moccasins so to speak. And if it is off the mark, I apologize for my blunt, brash, and undiplomatic opinions and speculations. I mean well, but people like me can often be paving the road to h-e-double hockey sticks.

Hugs,
'lissa

[Stephenie S]

Please Elizabeth, please.

You start off the post by apologizing for using the male pronoun and then proceed to use "Him", He, and David again throughout your entire post.

Davina is the ONLY sole determiner of her own gender. The only one. I know you have 20+ years of "David" and "He". I know it's hard. But at least here, in print, while you are writing, you should be able to do this.

You, and all who are reading this thread should have at least a little glimpse into how hard it is for your loved ones when you come out as gender variant. You are seeing a bit of this phenomenon from the other side. It ain't easy, is it? No, it ain't easy. It's darn hard as a matter of fact.

Hang in there. Love her. Love her some more. But please, please, please, try to stop determining her gender for her. She has told you herself. "Davina", "Her", and "She".

S

And try saying "my daughter" a couple of times. Maybe a couple of times an hour.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

It takes people a long time to get over a lifetime of knowing me as one gender...
i find everyone is different and i don't sweat it too much..if my uncle at xmas says "he", i just say "she" and he laughs and says sorry.... if he does it again, i tell him one more time and I'm not gonna talk to him again...
i will say that after a time though, if you call her "him" it will hurt every time...
that being said, it is ts forum! ya gotta get the lingo down!!!

It sounds to me like you are a great father...

I do think this is a good example of how different crossdressing is compared to transsexualism ..
You may feel your gender issue is about a wonderful refuge from your maleness, but being female is not a refuge for Davina...it is her identity..
The more you can separate your own issues from your daughters, the better father you can be..

[Teri Jean]

I have to say I agree with Kelly and Allie, confusion she does not need but she needs support from her parents.

[LeaP]

We have assured him that our love and support is unconditional, but his mother has been a basket case for the last two weeks. He doesn't know about my crossdressing, and we do not want to confuse things or pile on the issues by telling him about it right now.

Most importantly, he indicated that this is a very recent development for him, and is not something he felt as a child. He has been seeing a therapist about this for only two months, and even his live-in girlfriend of two years was surprised by this as well. I have the impression that virtually all of the transexuals on this forum felt this way from early childhood.

Surprisingly, he talked a great deal in general terms about getting in touch with his emotions, but almost nothing about feelings about gender. ...My own therapist (who has not met David), echoed my own conclusions that this is perhaps too quick, that it is a person feeling alienated and seizing on the first explanation that comes along.

The note shows his thinking a bit muddled and confusing. He may well be transgendered, but I think there are less indications that he is transexual.

I know this is not much to go on, but I would appreciate your thoughts on this, as well as what you think I should do.


The notion that most transsexuals know from childhood is a myth. Some do, some don't. Earlier stats to this effect relied on gender identity clinic populations where it was virtually required to follow the "true transsexual" script in order to get past the gatekeepers and get access to hormones and surgery. For even those who do not know there are common behavior and psychological patterns, however (e.g., depression and anxiety). According to current practitioners, most of their patients/clients arrive presenting symptoms like these and many initially identified as crossdressers (i.e., only).

One can seek transition - in full or in part (e.g., hormones "only") - for reasons other than a strong female identity. The gender spectrum is just that - a spectrum with wide variation on a large number of gender identity, gender role, and gender expression points. Davinia could incline more to the female end, or feel more comfortable there, without necessarily having gender identity nailed in the cisgender range.

Based on your description of the speed, I might share your concerns. "Might" because emergence ALWAYS looks rapid from the outside once out. It doesn't feel that way inside. Quite the opposite.

The only thing you can do is support the therapy and perhaps counsel slowing down a bit. I don't share the view that you should keep your crossdressing hidden. While I echo the concerns for your wife's interests, the impact on Davinia's life seem more urgent. Having a parent, of all things, whose gender expression is variant (however you construe it), is something she needs to know in order to understand there are many possible alternative paths that fit different gender situations.

On the lack of gender language: younger people aren't quite as fixed on the binary view these days. I find some of the language you've passed on to be much in that vein - "male characteristics, needing tweaking, etc."

Lea

[Elizabeth]

Hi Elizabeth Ann,

What a pretty name. Anyways, I am going to have to be the odd girl out here. I am highly dubious of gender issues that did not arise from childhood. Not saying it doesn't happen, just saying there must be more scrutiny when it does. If her feelings are genuine, the scrutiny will only serve to help her resolve and clarify unclear feelings. Please note, this does not mean the same as not believing what she is telling you she is feeling. It is important to be respectful not only of her feelings, but also in the end, her decisions. Seems to me, you and your wife have already decided that.

I also think it is quite important to tell your daughter about your crossdressing. It is possible that she is confusing these feelings of wanting to express feminism, with actually being transsexual. Her knowing that you have such feelings, but are not transsexual may be important information she needs. Not only that, but there is the whole trust issue. She came clean with you and put the lies behind her. I believe as an adult, you owe her the same level of honesty. Just ask yourself, do you really want her to find out later and know that you kept it from her during one of the most trying times of her life?

And lastly, transition is not a "tweeking". It is a major ordeal both emotionally and physically. There are grave dangers, people do die in this process. It is very expensive, time consuming and leaves about 20% with painful nerve damage for life and I have yet to meet a transsexual, that when talking in private, can say they have actually had an orgasm after transition. And that does not include the increased risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke and depression that can come from taking estrogen.

Now I am not suggesting that your daughter is not capable of making these decisions for herself or that she needs you to make them for her. I am only saying if her feelings have only changed recently and these are not life long feelings? What is to say her feelings won't change again back to before she felt like a woman? It makes sense to take it slow and make sure that is not the case. People do lose this urge and stop dressing or feeling like a woman. I have witnessed it many times. Not permanently, it usually returns, but not always.

I hope this is useful in some way, but if not just disregard what you can't use.

Elizabeth

[Julia_in_Pa]

Liz,

Just love your daughter, that's all.

Let her be her.

Her emotions have guided her to this conclusion Liz just as my emotions guided me to mine.

Your therapist is not her therapist Liz.

Your therapist should not have offered an opinion on your daughter without a full connection with her.

Your a wonderful and loving parent Liz, just continue your unconditional support and she will do the rest.


Julia

[Elizabeth Ann]

Thank you, my friends. I think I owe you an update.

I have been struggling for several days on a letter to Davin, saying essentially that I want you to be happy and I will support you in whatever you do. I am uncomfortably aware that it does not sound like enthusiastic acceptance, but it is support. It has taken me a while, and a good deal of thought, to come around to the idea that she is transgendered. (That is the term she uses. I asked her if she thought she was transexual. She grimaced and said yes, but she preferred the more inclusive term transgender.)

My problem, I suppose, is that I feel that I know and understand her better than she may know. We have the same quiet, introspective temperment, and I could see her struggling with the same issues I dealt with in adolescence of feeling like a geeky outsider. And I can remember at her age of 21, there were still new worlds to be opened up to me. I have often called it the Eliza Doolittle Syndrome. The world expands, and your previous corner looks small and irrelevant.

I am rambling again, but I don't have many to talk to about this. Davin's mother is calming down, but embracing transgenderism is not on her agenda yet.

Anyway, Davin has started a blog, and sent me the URL. Since it is public, I feel that I can quote some of it to you. From the unique perspective of members of this list, I would appreciate your thoughts on this journal entry:


I’m a freak. It’s a label I love. It’s one that I cling to. It’s part of what defines me, and I revel in it. My freakdom is at the core of my being. I don’t like being part of the masses, generally. I like weird stuff. I like being a weirdo. I like my small, close-knit communities. I like being on the quiet fringes of culture (it makes for a really good high horse).

This is the part where I come up with a clever, smooth segue into my next point. But that’s not how my brain has been operating. Lately, I’ve been steeped in anxiety, which is something new to me, although I’m all too familiar with the state of mind in which I feel lethargic and apathetic. In which my brain gets upset, crosses its arms, runs to its room and slams the door.

Well, turns out it was never my brain doing that. It was myself. My genuine self, anyways. It was Davin. The shell of a person makes for the best emotional armor, so in times of great duress, when I couldn’t handle feeling what I was feeling, asking myself what I was feeling, processing that feeling, and converting it into something pseudo-masculine, I just retreated in on myself and stopped feeling. The problem was, I never knew I was doing it. I, like those around me, always assumed that David was the real me, so I was woefully unaware of my emotional core. I, like those around me, could only ever hope for glances through that emotional armor that was my male construct.

Keep talking to me, even if you think I am a reactionary bigot standing in the way of my child's happiness. I do value your thoughts.

Liz

[Inna]

the hardest by any means is to admit who we are, to admit who is the essence of I! Multitude of factors stand against us, to keep us in line and obedient to the false construct we call ME! For most "who we are" is really "who they want us to be" Your child has made a phenomenal step forward in tossing aside the false pretense of illusory facade and seeks to know her SELF, the truth which is who she is.

I feel, that you envy and admire her for this courage which you still lack yet, as I see it, are tempted to finally jump of the cliff and hope for truth to save you as well.

It is my opinion, that sharing your transgenderism and opening up for unconditional support would bring you both together, however, I also think that such reveal perhaps should be discussed with therapist at first. Both of you need therapy, it would be highly constructive and utmost helpful for both, not to mention your wife who probably can benefit the most.

I know you are simply doing everything to protect and shelter your child from inevitable pain, but instead, let her put hand in the fire, YOU CAN NOT DO IT FOR HER!, let her experience pain as it will make her grow and you by her side, always there if she reaches out.

Love, Inna

PS: I do admire you candidness in sharing you story with us, and I admire you trying so hard to see your lovely child through new eyes. I can only imagine haw hard it must be, for I only know it from my own trans perspective. To start seeing him as her, after all these years.......

[CharleneT]

Liz,

Just love your daughter, that's all.

Let her be her.

Her emotions have guided her to this conclusion Liz just as my emotions guided me to mine.

Your therapist is not her therapist Liz.

Your therapist should not have offered an opinion on your daughter without a full connection with her.

Your a wonderful and loving parent Liz, just continue your unconditional support and she will do the rest.


Julia

:iagree:

Go with Julia's comments. It is impossible to not second guess something so large in a person's life. But it is also something that is - as if often said - only between the ears. Hence what your daughter says is the truth, as far as you need to know. If you feel concern about whether her trans status is questionable, encourage her to go carefully and if there is a problem, it will come up on its own. It is pretty rare for someone to go thru transition only to decide that it was the wrong thing.

Davin writes very well ;)

[Elizabeth Ann]

Thanks, Inna.
Actually, I am pretty comfortable with myself. I like my masculine side, and I am a good man. I don't feel guilty or embarrassed by my cross dressing, since I abandoned most moral judgments long ago.

I would like to tell Davin about my crossdressing, but have to negotiate with her mother. One member here suggested that the knowledge would reinforce for Davin that there are many places in the spectrum of transgender, and when I related that comment to my wife, she seemed more disposed to the reveal.

I do have a therapist, though the crossdressing is not the primary issue (as I have said, I have come to terms with that). We are going to get a chance to talk to Davin's therapist, and I was planning to talk to her about the issue. My therapist thought that was good, but pointed out that Davin, not us, is her client, and that if she has any information she believes would be helpful to Davin, that she is professionally obligated to reveal it. Could be a bit tricky.

Liz

[Inna]

Liz, you are a fantastic father with an exquisite feminine side. I know how important having supportive and most of all really understanding parent is for I have lost my father the day I told him of my transsexuality. Everything seems to unfold and with your loving support, Davin/ia is going to conquer her condition and become a whole, beautiful person in the process.

Once again, I have ton of admiration for you, thank you!

[ReineD]

I know this is not much to go on, but I would appreciate your thoughts on this, as well as what you think I should do.


I would tell my son that I support him in whatever he wants to do. He is an adult now and he must live his life as he sees fit. I would also express concern over rushing into things, and I would ask that she follow the WPATH standards, but perhaps opt for a one or two year real-life experience before SRS (assuming this is her goal) since she is so young and also by her own admittance she did not feel she was born in the wrong body when she was young.

I would also ask her if she wanted me to research available resources on the subject and pass along my findings. You've already said you're telling her about yourself and this is good. Perhaps you could both join a mixed TG support group (with CDs and TSs such as the group that my SO belongs to). Davin might benefit from meeting a variety of people in the community and see how they fare after transition. I don't know what Davin looks like, whether she has the physiognomy to be stealth with FFS after having been on HRT for a few years. She needs to be aware that if she does look like a transwoman vs. a genetic woman, her chances for employment will be diminished. She is not established in a profession while going through this (assuming she is still in college). She may well choose a transition plan that includes FFS and since this is an added cost, she will need to figure out how to navigate all of this. She may want to postpone the transition until after there are funds in place for FFS?

Also, please trust that your father's instincts will soon tell you whether Davin is in earnest about this. It is not the fact that she wants to transition that concerns you, but your fear that she might be rushing into this, since it is coming as a complete surprise? You have not seen her presenting in her preferred gender yet, and once this happens some of your fears may be allayed?

One last thing concerns me and this is the girlfriend. How serious are they? How secure is Davin in her support? Will the girlfriend stay the course as Davin becomes more feminine as the result of HRT, and will it have an effect on Davin's outlook if the girlfriend leaves the relationship? If Davin were older I would not ask this question. But, she is only 21 and she did say she did not believe herself to be a girl when she was a child.

[Allsteamedup]

I don't feel that revealing your cross-dressing is going to be any help on your son's journey.

The programme set out via the gender therapist, the hormones, the Real Life Experience is quite comprehensive and takes a reasonable amount of time. If you make any of these parts sound difficult that will only reiforce your son's resolve to go through with this.

However, your feelings about a future life (every parent's concern for a child) are totally valid. Do you feel enough consideration has been given to future employment and fitting into society? This is where the Real Life Experience comes in. It truly serves a purpose.

Your wife needs more of your support than your son in this. He didn't ask for your acceptance, but would prefer you not to be negative. He will go on to lead his own life. You already have yours. What most people transitioning want is to feel part of something. Your family will always be there.