A Different Path

[Nicola2876]

I was chatting to a friend from this forum and made a comment about this site and if it had existed 20 years ago my life would have turned out differently and I feel I would now be a 39 year old woman. It is here where I have found confidence and acceptance for who I am and has given me the knowledge that I am not alone nor am I some kind of weirdo. As a 19 crossdressing,shy boy I didnt have that.

Anyone else feel this way?

[kimdl93]

Oh, I'm sure my life would have been different, had I known what I know now. My first wife was actually quite accepting, but I wasn't accepting of myself. So, I was torn between allowing myself to indulge and enjoy Cding with her, and denying it and hiding it. Its a shame because I truly believe that my self loathing was the single biggest detriment to our marriage.

[Foxglove]

Oh, yes, there's no doubt that if I had known more about myself at 19, my life would have been very different. I certainly would have gone looking for a different path.

[~Joanne~]

Hmmmm, I don't know. I am happy to have found this forum and share things with the girls I don't feel I can share with anyone else at this point in time but If it was around when I was 19, I would still probably be in the closet.

Being in the closet is by my choice. This forum itself wont change that though with all the help and tips and knowledge here, it certainly does ease certain fears, mainly the only of feeling your alone in this world.

[KylieQ]

Having a forum like this would have gone a long way to helping me understand myself and my feelings when I was 19. I have a feeling that things may have gone down a completely different path than they did, but I am also very thankful that it's here now and that we have an outlet for all of our feelings, concerns, and sometimes just general ramblings.

[JenniferR771]

So much would have been...could have been different. I thought I was alone. The only young boy with such bizarre thoughts and actions. Nothing in our school library. Nothing in health class at school. Neither did my parents or school counselors or probably my doctor knew. All I knew was that if my mom discovered anything--strong disapproval. Lucky she didn't discover much. Sad that I felt I had to keep a big dark secret. I was doing something wrong. And I promised myself to never indulge in my off-center habbit again. I always broke the promise.

[Donna June]

I feel like that too, Nicola. Not only this site but so much on the web. I was like you, thinking I must be the only person on earth feeling this way. When I did finally see CD's, TG and TS women on tv it was on Phil Donahue and other shows like that. They always showed the most outlandish people / behavior. It made me ashamed to be transgendered. Then I saw there were good, decent, intelligent folks who felt as I did. If I knew I wasn't alone and not only that, but all the resources available, I may have transitioned years ago.

[suzy1]

I agree with you 1000%
And that’s all I have to say about that.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I do!!! When I was 18 or so I thought that I was the only one doing this, of course that was the 60's and 70,s and the internet wasn't around to research crossdressing. I was a manly man but knew that I was different also, since I liked to wear womans clothes as far back as 5 years old. Had I known all that I know now I would have dressed as a woman full time from my late teens and on and be damned with society. I didn't so I can't, almost envious of young people growing up now, things are changing for the better, we are not there yet, but someday soon.

[jillleanne]

There really is no way of knowing what I would have done back when, even knowing then what I do today about myself. That scenario can never be discovered with certainty. I discovered who I am and accepted it long ago and although I enjoy this forum like a good magazine, it would not have convinced me nor changed my discoveries of who I am. It didn't. If I had wanted to become a woman( through SRS, FFS, etc), this site nor any of the others I frequent( URNA, etc. ) would have had the power to convince me. That decision would have come from inside me. Sites such as this do provide many with insight, comfort, knowledge, ideas, discussions. etc. and the knowledge there are other out there just like themselves struggling with their identity, etc., and that's a good thing. Sites such as this however, should not be used as a tool to further any misbeliefs/fantasies about ones' self however; so one must be careful to remain honest to ones self and stay within the framework of reality whenever visiting any of these sites. I do believe anyone that needs to transition, and I emphacize, needs to transition, will do so regardless of the internet. I do agree the internet has provided easier access to valuable assistance with regards to resources, etc. and above all, a link to others in the same position that can provide support, assistance, etc. but I do not feel the internet could have changed anyones decision to change genders. Just my opinion.

[Sara Jessica]

There are a lot of us who share similar sentiments. Part of the common ground may have to do with where one leans with this whole thing, as in leaning towards the TS side of things. Knowledge is power, power to make informed decisions. And with the internet came a tidal wave of knowledge that could have changed the course of many of our histories had it been available sooner. This really holds true for those on the CD side as well, the knowledge and resources that perhaps could have nudge some to get out & about much earlier than otherwise.

But with the potential to revise one's history comes something that is much more menacing. The power to erase what has become. In my case, I might say "could have, should have, would have" had I known then what I know now, and trust me when I say I would have without hesitation. But to wish this revised history would serve to erase my wonderful family which I refuse to do. Therefore, I accept who I am and the course I have taken 100% and do all I can to stave off regret for the past along with things that can destroy my present...hence my place on this middle path.

[JamieG]

Yes, the internet (especially this site) has helped me immensely in accepting myself. If I had access to this site when I was a teen, or the means to anonymously locate support groups, I'm sure my life would have been different. I probably would have started going to TG events at a much younger age and maybe even started incorporating more and more of my dressing into my everyday life. But would I be happier? That is the question. If I was focusing on my femme exploration, would I have done as well in school? If I was presenting partially or fully femme, would I have gotten the same jobs and be as comfortable financially? Would I have had a chance to connect with my wife, or would she have not taken me seriously? If not, then I wouldn't have my two wonderful kids. I think it's easy to wonder what if, and then imagine the best possible outcome, but really things may have turned out much worse. I think it's better to focus on how can we make our futures better, than bemoan the loss of a past that never was.

[Stephanie-L]

Would I have moved along faster if I had access to this forum when I was younger, probably. In my early twenties I discovered an advice column in a mens magazine, the advice was written by a full time CD and aimed at us. It was some help in me accepting myself. I now know that some of the advice was wrong, but the simple fact that it existed, even if on the fringe, was helpful. And as JamieG noted, what would I have missed had things been different? I probably would not have my two wonderful children, but I would also not have paid the price of years of repressing myself and a very difficult marriage. I do know that this site has been a major factor in my moving ahead at this point in my life.................Stephanie

[Cindia]

I'd probably be dead from HIV infection. My female side is rather promiscuous, to put it nicely.

[Barbara Jo]

Hind sight is always 20-20.

I doubt that that was hardly ever a person born that did not think when they got older, that if what they knew "now" , they also knew when they were younger, their life would be much different.

As the saying goes "it's a pitty that youth is wasted on the young".

[docrobbysherry]

I was a shy, conflicted 19 y/o young man also. And, my problems had NOTHING WHAT SO EVER to do with gender issues!
As, I didn't start dressing until 30 years later!


I'd probably be dead from HIV infection. My female side is rather promiscuous, to put it nicely.
Yes, Tami! Same here if I HAD started dressing in my 20's or 30's! And I BLAME this site for Sherry's outrages activities OUTSIDE our cozy closet! Encouraged as she has been by the posts of the BOLD here for the last 4 years!

[Allisa]

I think that my dealing with my CDing would have not lead me to my abuse of alcohol and drugs,since I would not have felt so all alone and conflicted.There is no way of telling what would have been or what direction I would have gone but I know it would have been better but life is what it is, this site does help and old foggy like me just sharing and relating to others of the same mind set of sorts.I do hope this site helps all to keep from doing what I did and in that respect I am thankful for this site.

(Al)Lisa.

[Lorileah]

Would this site have changed things? I don't know. It may have made it easier to be me maybe. Being in the older group what was probably a bigger factor to me was the surgery. If the surgery was as good as it is now 30 years ago....maybe more likely.

[moondog]

Nicola,

I feel exactly the same way. The way I currently feel I believe I would have transitioned to female had I had access to a site like this when I was a teenager.

[DanaR]

Maybe this isn't very realistic, but I try not to look back and think "what if". I do spend a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to maneuver towards the future. My wife and I care a lot about each other, and if I was looking back and made changes then she probably wouldn't be with me today; which I'm glad that isn't the case.

[Marleena]

If the internet was around earlier I would have allowed myself to be me much sooner. When I was growing up CDing was considered a mental illness and we needed fixing in the head. I'm sad that I missed out on so much. It's a new journey for this old chick. Ah well...

[Nicola2876]

There are alot of different views which I expected. I dont regret everything in my life and want to change it all I just know how helpless I felt as a young man feeling like a mistake and a freak of nature. Yes i knew there were others like me but since being on this forum Ive interacted with so many cd,tg,ts people Im so much better prepared now for what I need to do. I have a wonderful daughter who I wouldnt swap for anything so changing having her wast on my mind.

Thanks for responding. Very interesting as usual x

[AnitaH]

Nicola, I also felt helpless as a young man. I don't know for sure that things would have turned out better had something like this forum been around 30 years earlier. But had more information and support been available back then it's likely that I would have sought out counsiling and avoided the cost of decades of suppressing myself. Perhaps I could have been free to be me. I'm glad that so much support is available today. I agree that it may not be this forum that leads someone to transition but it can help many people avoid the anguish that many of us older persons have gone through.

AnitaH

[Anna Lorree]

I can certainly identify with what you are saying. In a few weeks, I will turn 39. I wish I had been more clear about who and what I am, back then. I would certainly have a different life. I don't regret having a wife or kids, but I also wish I could have decided to be a woman many years ago.

Anna