SandraAbsent
01-21-2012, 03:51 PM
Things that I have learned in my short time as a woman...
January 1st was my first official day full time, but am I really full time? After this I will let you be the judge of that.
It was a long preparation period leading up to my decision to come out and a lot of other decisions had to be made. Decisions like…
Do I pass?
There are lots of opinions out there on passing, but to me it’s important. If I didn’t sense that I had the slightest chance of passing, I probably would have held off until some of those conditions changed in my favor either through surgery or getting better at the art of cover-up. As of now I have had so many people over the last month that new me before compliment me on how I looked, I don’t know why I ever worried about this. Either they are just being nice, or I really had nothing to worry about.
Transition in place or find a new job?
This was a difficult one. I have not had my name or marker changed. This poses a major problem in job searching. Simply put there is no way to interview and apply for jobs without outing yourself. I found this out the hard way, but it leads me to the ultimate decision of transitioning in place. The biggest reason being that I will now have a work history with my established name and references that can be legitimately checked, without the fear of being outted under circumstances that I did not choose. So I decided to transition in place. This process was a very enduring process to say the least. My company is not a very big one and has a reputation for being a very liberally minded. Still the process involved several meetings with the owners. Several meetings with my immediate manage, and of course the big meeting with my coworkers. All of which were very nerve racking. All things considered, the entire process was uplifting, and the change has been pretty well received. I even have a few people in my corner as my own little cheering section. The final step of the process was to approach this with my clients and I have a lot of them. How I handled this was very important due to the fact that I am 100% commission and any negative impacts would affect my income directly and immediately. Through much discussion with my employers, friends, and even the internet I came up with a plan and an approach. Keeping in mind that I have always maintained very professional relationships with my clients, I am well liked and respected for that. This is the same approach I choose to tackle this issue. RULE#1 this is sales. So sell to them! Don’t make it about you; make it about how it affects them. Very simple conversations made this easy. Mr. or Mrs. Client, this is what’s happening , and this is how it will affect how we do business. Nothing else really needed to be said. Now it’s done and I can move on with business as usual.
How is this going to affect my family and friends?
For starters I am single and have no kids. I really feel for those that transition later in life and have those circumstances to deal with as hard as my family situation has been and will continue to be, I don’t know if I personally could deal with that.
SISTER#1 - She is the first person I ever outted myself to several years back. At the time this happened I had no intentions of transitioning. Until the point that I made the decision to live full time, she was 100% supportive. Notice the use of past tense. Of all of my family members, her and her family is the closest. They have helped me in so many ways it’s impossible to list, not to mention the fact that on two occasions I have lived with them as I transitioned through other experiences in my life. One time in particular was when I was in a position with a job where the only logical solution to get out of a bad situation was to leave the job with no future source of income in sight. This left me one step away from homeless had it not been for her and her family. The biggest issue now is her children. She really feels that they are not at an age to be able to comprehend or handle all of this. A natural motherly instinct to protect the needs of the child, and I get that. Remember I asked the question, am I really full time? This is where this comes into play. I have had lengthy tear driven conversations with her, and come to a compromise. Until my transition evolves to a place where it cannot be hidden anymore, I agreed to compromise when I am with her, or at least until she comes to a way to handle this within her own family. I emphasized to her that this is a compromise that is only temporary and is really driven by the fact that she has helped me so much in the past that I feel obligated to help her through this. I just don’t see where a stubborn “Accept me or else” stance is appropriate here. Am I wrong?
SISTER#2 - This sister is the smartest most accomplished member of our family. A PHD in neuropsychology, whose work has been written about in Time Magazine, runs marathons as a hobby, and very open about her liberal views on life. She gets picked on in our family because she differs so much from our Midwest, Catholic, Republican upbringing. Quite simply her and her family has been amazing in all of this. The only concern that has been expressed to me is how they can make me feel most comfortable. Over New Years Eve this year she asked me why am I still dressing as a guy around her, why am I still using my guy voice, so on and so on? I said to her that because this is all new to her and her family, I wasn’t sure where she stood with discussing it with her husband and her children. She just said…We’re ready!
THE BROTHER - Well I haven’t had the conversation with him yet. We live 60 miles away and both lead very busy lives. The opportunity has not presented itself to discuss this yet. We saw each other over Thanksgiving, but I refused to turn the family dinner he was hosting into a discussion about me. I just found it selfish. This will most likely be the hardest conversation I will have. He and his wife are very conservative. They also have been very open about how much they love and care about me. Just thinking about losing them makes me cry even as I type this. It has to happen and will happen soon, but I am not looking forward to it whatsoever.
THE FATHER - dad and I have a very estranged relationship. This has been a lifelong thing and the same type of relationship extends to every one of my siblings too. He just does not take an active role in either our lives individually, or the lives of his grandchildren. This has really increased since the passing of my mother eight years ago, and his remarriage seven years ago. It has escalated to the point that the only time we see him is Christmas or Thanksgiving. It’s sad really. Don’t get me wrong I love and respect my father, but at the same time he I no longer allow him to have an impact on me emotionally. When I tell him, I am not afraid to lose something that is already absent.
EXTENDED FAMILY & FRIENDS really they will know when they know. I can only think of a handful of people in my life that are on a need to know basis. I have convinced myself that I have to be prepared to lose some of them. As I develop new relationships in my life this becomes less important. The truth being that the important people in my life that I would not want to lose already know. I know that this may sound shallow, but it is my defense mechanism.
So that is about it, I now live my life 99.5% as a woman. I have prepared myself extensively emotionally and mentally for the fact that there will be and already has been some fall out. In the mean time I am enjoying the process of redefining myself, my personality, and my spirit as I am now able to live my life as I choose. The redefining of myself is the biggest lesson I am learning so far. There is no amount of preparing that will ready me for this. Living part time I saw myself forcing myself to bounce between roles and it is hard to break habits from my male past when you are forced to go back to them daily. I relish the ability to look back five years from now and compare myself and what I will become.
So now for some fun things that I have learned!
1. Don’t think for an instance that you’re wardrobe is deep enough. Being part time is different than being full time and you find very quickly you need to go shopping. That is of course if being trendy and well dressed is important to you.
2. Get your morning routine down. Needing 2 hours to get ready just doesn’t fly, and the old days of rolling out of bed and flying out the door as a guy are gone. Hit the snooze bar one too many times and you are toast! So I now have a very regiment routine and order for the shower, grooming, makeup, and getting dressed that is efficient enough that I look good but does not require a lot of time. Something you are never really prepared for until you are in the position that you have to do it every day. And yes, I have a love affair with my snooze button.
3. Look at the weather dummie! I have had a few days that I froze my butt off from poor planning or poor experience in how warm I will be in one outfit or another. This does not apply to those not living in a northern climate!
4. NEVER NEVER NEVER run out of product. You need to have backups! What happens when you need to get ready for work and you realize you are out of razor blades?
Last but not least some important things I have learned that anyone transitioning should know...
1. Not everyone is out to get you. Quite the opposite. Most people are good people and the prospect that everyone will reject us is just false. A lot of how you are perceived is your own confidence and your own realization that MOST people are generally good.
2. You are going to make mistakes and so is everyone else. Yes I get miss-gendered and people slip and use my old name. I used to let it bother me. I learned real quick that you have to get over it and let people learn at a pace that is comfortable for you both. Hell my first three days at work, I slipped and used my old name. If I do it, how can I hold them accountable? I had to lighten up!
3. No amount of voice training will prepare you for full time. You will slip, specifically after an hour and a half sales presentation. It takes practice, so give yourself a break and know that if you slip it’s not the end of the world!
I love you all and thank you for letting me share!
January 1st was my first official day full time, but am I really full time? After this I will let you be the judge of that.
It was a long preparation period leading up to my decision to come out and a lot of other decisions had to be made. Decisions like…
Do I pass?
There are lots of opinions out there on passing, but to me it’s important. If I didn’t sense that I had the slightest chance of passing, I probably would have held off until some of those conditions changed in my favor either through surgery or getting better at the art of cover-up. As of now I have had so many people over the last month that new me before compliment me on how I looked, I don’t know why I ever worried about this. Either they are just being nice, or I really had nothing to worry about.
Transition in place or find a new job?
This was a difficult one. I have not had my name or marker changed. This poses a major problem in job searching. Simply put there is no way to interview and apply for jobs without outing yourself. I found this out the hard way, but it leads me to the ultimate decision of transitioning in place. The biggest reason being that I will now have a work history with my established name and references that can be legitimately checked, without the fear of being outted under circumstances that I did not choose. So I decided to transition in place. This process was a very enduring process to say the least. My company is not a very big one and has a reputation for being a very liberally minded. Still the process involved several meetings with the owners. Several meetings with my immediate manage, and of course the big meeting with my coworkers. All of which were very nerve racking. All things considered, the entire process was uplifting, and the change has been pretty well received. I even have a few people in my corner as my own little cheering section. The final step of the process was to approach this with my clients and I have a lot of them. How I handled this was very important due to the fact that I am 100% commission and any negative impacts would affect my income directly and immediately. Through much discussion with my employers, friends, and even the internet I came up with a plan and an approach. Keeping in mind that I have always maintained very professional relationships with my clients, I am well liked and respected for that. This is the same approach I choose to tackle this issue. RULE#1 this is sales. So sell to them! Don’t make it about you; make it about how it affects them. Very simple conversations made this easy. Mr. or Mrs. Client, this is what’s happening , and this is how it will affect how we do business. Nothing else really needed to be said. Now it’s done and I can move on with business as usual.
How is this going to affect my family and friends?
For starters I am single and have no kids. I really feel for those that transition later in life and have those circumstances to deal with as hard as my family situation has been and will continue to be, I don’t know if I personally could deal with that.
SISTER#1 - She is the first person I ever outted myself to several years back. At the time this happened I had no intentions of transitioning. Until the point that I made the decision to live full time, she was 100% supportive. Notice the use of past tense. Of all of my family members, her and her family is the closest. They have helped me in so many ways it’s impossible to list, not to mention the fact that on two occasions I have lived with them as I transitioned through other experiences in my life. One time in particular was when I was in a position with a job where the only logical solution to get out of a bad situation was to leave the job with no future source of income in sight. This left me one step away from homeless had it not been for her and her family. The biggest issue now is her children. She really feels that they are not at an age to be able to comprehend or handle all of this. A natural motherly instinct to protect the needs of the child, and I get that. Remember I asked the question, am I really full time? This is where this comes into play. I have had lengthy tear driven conversations with her, and come to a compromise. Until my transition evolves to a place where it cannot be hidden anymore, I agreed to compromise when I am with her, or at least until she comes to a way to handle this within her own family. I emphasized to her that this is a compromise that is only temporary and is really driven by the fact that she has helped me so much in the past that I feel obligated to help her through this. I just don’t see where a stubborn “Accept me or else” stance is appropriate here. Am I wrong?
SISTER#2 - This sister is the smartest most accomplished member of our family. A PHD in neuropsychology, whose work has been written about in Time Magazine, runs marathons as a hobby, and very open about her liberal views on life. She gets picked on in our family because she differs so much from our Midwest, Catholic, Republican upbringing. Quite simply her and her family has been amazing in all of this. The only concern that has been expressed to me is how they can make me feel most comfortable. Over New Years Eve this year she asked me why am I still dressing as a guy around her, why am I still using my guy voice, so on and so on? I said to her that because this is all new to her and her family, I wasn’t sure where she stood with discussing it with her husband and her children. She just said…We’re ready!
THE BROTHER - Well I haven’t had the conversation with him yet. We live 60 miles away and both lead very busy lives. The opportunity has not presented itself to discuss this yet. We saw each other over Thanksgiving, but I refused to turn the family dinner he was hosting into a discussion about me. I just found it selfish. This will most likely be the hardest conversation I will have. He and his wife are very conservative. They also have been very open about how much they love and care about me. Just thinking about losing them makes me cry even as I type this. It has to happen and will happen soon, but I am not looking forward to it whatsoever.
THE FATHER - dad and I have a very estranged relationship. This has been a lifelong thing and the same type of relationship extends to every one of my siblings too. He just does not take an active role in either our lives individually, or the lives of his grandchildren. This has really increased since the passing of my mother eight years ago, and his remarriage seven years ago. It has escalated to the point that the only time we see him is Christmas or Thanksgiving. It’s sad really. Don’t get me wrong I love and respect my father, but at the same time he I no longer allow him to have an impact on me emotionally. When I tell him, I am not afraid to lose something that is already absent.
EXTENDED FAMILY & FRIENDS really they will know when they know. I can only think of a handful of people in my life that are on a need to know basis. I have convinced myself that I have to be prepared to lose some of them. As I develop new relationships in my life this becomes less important. The truth being that the important people in my life that I would not want to lose already know. I know that this may sound shallow, but it is my defense mechanism.
So that is about it, I now live my life 99.5% as a woman. I have prepared myself extensively emotionally and mentally for the fact that there will be and already has been some fall out. In the mean time I am enjoying the process of redefining myself, my personality, and my spirit as I am now able to live my life as I choose. The redefining of myself is the biggest lesson I am learning so far. There is no amount of preparing that will ready me for this. Living part time I saw myself forcing myself to bounce between roles and it is hard to break habits from my male past when you are forced to go back to them daily. I relish the ability to look back five years from now and compare myself and what I will become.
So now for some fun things that I have learned!
1. Don’t think for an instance that you’re wardrobe is deep enough. Being part time is different than being full time and you find very quickly you need to go shopping. That is of course if being trendy and well dressed is important to you.
2. Get your morning routine down. Needing 2 hours to get ready just doesn’t fly, and the old days of rolling out of bed and flying out the door as a guy are gone. Hit the snooze bar one too many times and you are toast! So I now have a very regiment routine and order for the shower, grooming, makeup, and getting dressed that is efficient enough that I look good but does not require a lot of time. Something you are never really prepared for until you are in the position that you have to do it every day. And yes, I have a love affair with my snooze button.
3. Look at the weather dummie! I have had a few days that I froze my butt off from poor planning or poor experience in how warm I will be in one outfit or another. This does not apply to those not living in a northern climate!
4. NEVER NEVER NEVER run out of product. You need to have backups! What happens when you need to get ready for work and you realize you are out of razor blades?
Last but not least some important things I have learned that anyone transitioning should know...
1. Not everyone is out to get you. Quite the opposite. Most people are good people and the prospect that everyone will reject us is just false. A lot of how you are perceived is your own confidence and your own realization that MOST people are generally good.
2. You are going to make mistakes and so is everyone else. Yes I get miss-gendered and people slip and use my old name. I used to let it bother me. I learned real quick that you have to get over it and let people learn at a pace that is comfortable for you both. Hell my first three days at work, I slipped and used my old name. If I do it, how can I hold them accountable? I had to lighten up!
3. No amount of voice training will prepare you for full time. You will slip, specifically after an hour and a half sales presentation. It takes practice, so give yourself a break and know that if you slip it’s not the end of the world!
I love you all and thank you for letting me share!