The Traditional Housewife and Gender Role Reversal

[Anne2345]

Growing up as a child, I recall the work my mother put into the household simply to keep it moving, well-organized, and afloat. Although both of my parents worked, my mother was a traditional housewife in the strictest sense. She cooked and prepared all of the meals, cleaned, took care of the children, performed the shopping, and took care of my father.

Without my mother’s guidance and leadership on the home front, all would have been in chaos. My father, as well-intentioned and a hard worker as he was, simply did not have the skills or ability to make it work himself. Of course, this meant that my mother was hit with the dual burden of juggling both a fulltime job and the responsibility of managing and taking care of the home, which were no small tasks.

Upon reflection of the dedicated, hard work she performed, along with raising three children, I am in awe of my mother. She is a wonderful, fantastic person, and gave it her all to be the best she could be without complaint. Frankly, I would admit that I have no idea how she did it, except that I do have an idea. In fact, I have a very good idea of how she did it. I have a very good idea because I find myself playing the role of the traditional housewife, and a similar role to that which my mother played. And in all reality, whether I previously recognized it or not, this is a role that I have played for many, many years now.

Fortunately, both my wife and I are blessed with fulltime employment and fulfilling careers. Between the two of us, we do relatively well and cannot complain. My wife, however, works longer hours than I do. As a result, and seemingly based upon some unspoken but assumed rule, the responsibilities of the household fall mostly upon me.

In this, I do all of the cooking. I do much of the cleaning. I take our daughter to the doctor when she is sick. I pick our daughter up from school every day, and take her to her extracurricular activities. Further, I ensure that our house remains well maintained and organized. I do all of the grocery shopping. I invite my daughter’s friends over, and chaperone the events. During my daughter’s infancy, I changed more diapers than my wife could ever imagine doing. My wife, bless her heart, is a fantastic mother and partner, but she is not the traditional house wife. I make the household work. I occupy the role of the traditional housewife. I am a traditional housewife.

Of course, the irony is not lost upon me - I am transgendered. I dress in the clothing of the opposite gender. I purchase, own, and apply my own makeup. I wear dresses, skirts, blouses, and female jeans (sorry Karren). I have my own bras, panties, and breast forms. I own jewelry and wigs. And I actually want to be a woman. I do not, however, seek out additional duties, chores, and work because I am transgendered, it has just kind of worked out this way.

But please, however, do not mistake my belief that the responsibilities and division of labor within a partnership should not be divided equally and fairly based upon a couple’s circumstances – they should be. In my mother’s case, it was not a fair division of labor. In my case, it is not a fair division of labor. Traditionally, it has not been a fair division of labor. And yet, here I find myself – I am the traditional housewife. I doubt that I would be so accepting of the situation if I were a stereotypical male. Of course, despite the occasional points of contention over this issue, I am anything but the stereotypical male, so the point is rather moot, I suppose . . . .

I cannot help but wonder, though, whether I am accepting of the role because of the example my mother set as a woman, and my own transgendered proclivities. My mother, of course, was the primary female within my life growing up. I looked up to her. I respected her. I love her very much. Could it be that I am trying to emulate her as a result of some kind of reverse social conditioning based upon being transgendered?

Interestingly enough, my wife’s mother was also a traditional housewife, and played virtually an identical role to that of my mother. Yet, my wife is all too willing to forsake and leave any such similar role in her life far behind. So what does this say about her? What does this say about the strong relationship we have? Knowing my wife as I do, I simply cannot see her in such a role. So in this, is it possible that my being transgendered allows us to actually maintain and further solidify our relationship in some bizarre, reverse gender role manner?

I am not sure, but in any event, I am curious - are you the “traditional housewife” in your household? Or do you have a more balanced, evenly scaled division of labor? What works for both you and your SO?

[Nicola2876]

We do share the jobs at home as we both work full time. But, my wife doesnt enjoy the traditional female jobs whereas I do. She loves DIY and gardening where as I hate those jobs. I cook and grocery shop. My daughter prefers the clothes I buy her (I do spend alot of time looking at female fashions) and i do feel that I lean towards the more female jobs as I do indeed feel female in myself. I am a very loving father to my daughter but to me I play the mother role. I nurture and if my daughter wants a hug she comes to me.

I just do what comes naturally to me I suppose. I would love to be a housewife where my wife would prefer to be the breadwinner.

I suppose that raises the question that if I do this because im tg does that mean she is tg too and wants to be a man? I doubt thats tha case. Circumstances have alot to do with it but gender roles arent what they used to be but you are on to something Anne.

Maybe all men are being what years ago would have been called feminized. I spent a whole therapy session on this and still didnt have it answered at the end.

I just wish I could do it all en femme. There should be a rule!

[drag n fly]

I do all the cooking, some of the housework, most of the dishwashing, all of the wood chores...I guess a little of this applies to me, also...My wife works, I'm retired...It's a no brainer..And I like it...Nice going, Anne smooches Jackie

[Julie Hall]

I currently live alone, so I do all the traditional chores. But when my wife was alive I still performed the same duties as she was physically incapable of doing them although she would help when she could. Her health had been poor for the better part of a decade. When we first got married, she had a good paying job and I was in school. At that point I might have put in an extra share of the housework - gladly. She had to quit due to her health, I graduated and we lived on my salary and for about ten or so years - she became a typical housewife and I went off to work. When her health began to suffer things began to change until we got nearer the end.

An aside: At one point growing up my mother ran away from home and ended up in a mental institution for awhile. During that time, I took over the household duties of making sure groceries were bought, dinner was made and all the kids did their chores. I did this at the age of 12-13, although I had 2 older brothers. I was the responsible one in the family. The role seemed fairly natural and it needed doing.

One caveat is I hate cleaning the house. Always have, now I'm doing the bare minimum. Couldn't really have anyone over, even if there was someone to invite over.

Julie

[JenniferLynn0370]

I do the dishes, fold the laundry (sometimes wash it too), vacuum, sweep, clean up as much as I can. It is a bit of an even split but I do as much as I can as often as I can because, much like Anne, my Mom was a huge role model for me that I have always looked up to and idolized. My wife has often comments that I'm very domestic or that she should let me do the house keeping more often. When I lived alone for a while, the land lady begged me not to move because she said I kept house "much better than any man"! I firmly believe Mom had tons to do with it! I often ask my wife if that means I can get my maid's uniform now!...of course I still don't have one :-(

[Gillian Gigs]

I have never looked at most household jobs as being gender related. If the job needs doing, then someone has to do it. My SO and I share most of the different jobs, with the odd exception, those being mostly yard work. I am physically stronger, so those jobs naturally go toward me. About the only job that I never do is ironing. Everything else gets split up as needed, marriage is 50/50, we both work, so household work needs to be split up too.

[kimdl93]

My wife and I share responsibilities to a considerable degree. Because I work from home, I'm able to attend to some of the household routine. And like your wife, she works much longer hours than I.

I certainly gained an appreciation for the many responsibilties of a traditional farm homemaker. My mother fed and clothed a bunch of kids with a minimum of household conveniences, made two meals a day for a farm crew, and took care of all the cleaning, washing, canning and baking. My dad, by contrast, was virtually helpless in the house, but I also learned from him how to tear down and rebuild an engine, pull up a well, clean a barn and basic animal husbandry, how to run a potato planter, grain drill, cultivator and combine, handle firearms safely, and many other things.

[LeaP]

I am curious - are you the “traditional housewife” in your household? Or do you have a more balanced, evenly scaled division of labor? What works for both you and your SO?

I am not and it is not balanced. My wife has almost all of the work at home. I'm typically gone from 5:15 AM to nearly 8:00 PM during the week and also travel. We do have a housecleaner come in and send out some of the laundry.

I take care of maintenance items when I can and yard care on weekends.

Lea

[suchacutie]

My wife and I started our married life as graduate students. We treated everything that needed to be done outside of our professional activities as "work that needed to be done" and for the most part one of us would do what we could when we could. We had some small division of labor because of prior experience, e.g. my wife did the little bit of ironing we needed done and I took care of the car. But, for the most part it was a question of who could do which thing when.

That concept simply continued on into our post-graduate school life, and has also carried on into our adventure in transgenderism. Two weekends ago we had a long Tina visit. There was a lot of cleaning that needed to be done so she pitched in, and then did some cooking. If Tina hadn't visited, the work would have gotten done in male mode, although since Tina is incredibly fastidious, my guess is that she did a better job than he would have, to be honest!

Now, here is the question: Did we have no trouble doing whatever needing doing in graduate school because the Tina in me already was in full flower, but not yet exposed to the world??? Fascinating, isn't it?

[Allsteamedup]

It's particularly a lifestyle thing.

Obviously, you have the resources to employ domestic help. Your wife works longer hours than you, and if you want a well-run home somebody, either paid or unpaid, completes the work. For many women this would be a time-juggling choice, between home and family and paid employment.

These are really your choices and not the result of describing yourself as transgendered.
And your wife will just as easily resolve her domestic requirements whether you are there or not.....

[bomba]

i do just about every thing.our marrage didn't start like that.but over the years she has become very dominant over me.before i go to work,i have he house clean,laundry done and supper cooked.if i do a good job and she is happy she will let me massage her feel when i get home.she bought me a really pretty apron and soft red womens slippers to cook and clean in.it was the closest i ever came to her acceptance of my dressing.but i really wish she would get me a maid outfit

[Amanda22]

I was raised to do my own cleaning and cooking, so I was fortunate. For me, it is a way to show love for my wife to give her a clean home. That being said, I find it very satisfying to clean house while dressed as a woman. One of my favorite things to do is to meet my wife with a glass of wine at the door when she gets home, while I'm dressed rather formally in a dress and heels or blouse and skirt and heels. I take her coat and bag and direct her to the sofa. Then I return to the kitchen to finish dinner. I love doing this! And she likes it, too!

[Jane G]

My wife and I have a pretty old fashioned style of relationship. I have always worked full time. My wife gave up her career to bring up our family and then became a child-minder for 14 years. She now works part time, not so much because she needs to, but because she enjoys the social interaction and satisfaction of caring for other people. Our home was totally run by her until I left the Royal Navy. Since then we share out the house work, but pretty traditional partnership.

Mainly me. Car's, DIY me, IT stuff.
Mainly Her. Ironing, Bath Rooms, Cooking, Household finance.
Pretty Equal. Floors, Gardens.

Quite boring and stereotypical, but it's worked well for nearly thirty years.

[wanagione]

I do all the cooking and cleaning and laundry. I do homework with the kids, i food shop. I am also the traditional wife role. I have dinner on the table when she comes home from work. although my kids don't know they sometimes have called me mom and then quickly changed it to dad. I just laugh and say to myself, its working! I'm being the woman inside!

[WandaRae2009]

You could say that I have picked up many of the traditional female roles. We both work so the cleaning, laundry and such is just sharing. But I am the one that will cook anything above very simple. If it get baked, it is me. If we have pancakes it's me (from scratch, not out of the box). If anything needs sewing, that is my task as well. My wife wouldn't have a clue on how to use a sewing machine.

[ReineD]

I cannot help but wonder, though, whether I am accepting of the role because of the example my mother set as a woman, and my own transgendered proclivities.

No necessarily. :)

My brother was married to a woman who also did none of the housework. It isn't because she had long hours at work (she was at home). They had two children within one year (poor planning), and this, combined with having had attention deficit disorder, caused her to be utterly overwhelmed. Granted, a different woman might have had better honed life skills, but in their case my brother was simply better organized. When she did laundry it was an all day affair with unfolded clothes all over the place. My brother just knew how to throw in a load on a regular basis, in between commercials or on his way out somewhere and then fold the clothes upon his return, and to him it didn't even feel like an extra chore. It would take her two hours to put together a meal whereas my brother knew how to streamline it enough to spend a minimum time in the kitchen while he did other stuff.

I dare say there are many marriages nowadays where the husband undertakes the lion's share of the household duties, for whatever reason.

[SusanMarie]

I am the housewife...wife is primary breadwinner...couldn't be happier...

[RADER]

Since my retirement, (LOL) and my wife has become some what handy capped, I am the
chief cook and bottle washer. Some times I dress for the occasion, like doing the Laundry or the
floors. She gets a kick out of seeing me dress and doing house work. I love my wife dearly, and
would do it even if not dressed, but it is a lot more fun doing it dress. If you call doing house work
fun.
Rader

[Debb]

I do most of the housework around home ... my wife is disabled and it's difficult if not impossible for her to do very much.

[Debglam]

We pretty much split the baby. However, my wife is the primary breadwinner and works longer hours so I pick-up any slack given my more flexible schedule. It seems to work OK.

Debby

[Ameli]

I too do more of the household chores and less of the money-earning, so I too have wondered if my enjoyment of these things has some correlation with my being tg. I certainly don't think that there is work that is work that is better done by either men or women, but having said that, I was raised in a fairly traditional home. In the end, I think the most important thing is that my wife and I are both quite satisfied with how we divide of labour. Now if I could just keep her away from my nylons (just kidding honey).

Ameli

[Sister Rachel]

Well, my SO is a bit bi-polar, so the division of labour varies .. at the moment I'm definitely taking a back seat, as when she's in "Super-Woman" mode any attempts to assist on my part just "get in the way"! That said, I always do the food/household shopping, and have spent long spells as the sole cook. Actually I'm the better ( or at least fancier) cook, although I take much longer in the kitchen than she does! Overall, I certainly do my fair share of the laundry and drying (and get a certain pleasure out of pegging out the lingerie:heehee:), but when it comes to the ironing ... oh, I'll never get the hang of it, it takes me AGES:sad: .. it's me who gets out the vacuum cleaner 9 times out of 10, though.

I'm in charge of the car maintenance, electrics and plumbing issues, Anne does the finances, filing and business communications.

As a teenager, my step-mother was a disastrous cook, and consequently that role fell to me as soon as I was able.I also took on my own sewing tasks around that time. I have been told more than once that I would " make someone a wonderful wife":o

[Stephanie47]

I'm retired and my wife still works. I've assumed most of the household chores; washing (not hers, except for whites), ironing (mine, not hers), vacuuming, baking, cooking, dish washing, gardening. Of course, when she is gone for seven hours of the day I do all that in a pretty dress and heels. That's the effect of Harriet Nelson and June Cleaver, and, the fact that women did NOT wear pants in the 1950's and 1960's. Like Karen, I do not own a single pair of feminine pants-never will. I also assume all the outside the house maintenance and car maintenance.

When I worked and my wife was home with the kids, she did all the household chores, even mowing the lawn. When we both worked, we split the chores. Now I am just reciprocating.

The only wish I had would be to do all the chores en femme, even when she is home. That will never happen, but, hey, it's a dream.

[AddyCD]

While I feel that most household duties are shared between my wife and I, I do think that there is some role reversal in my house. My wife works full time and I am at home full time with our son. I do (probably) more of the cooking and cleaning. I pay the bills, etc. Of course I also do the DIY around the home but I feel that since the wife works full time I should do more at home to contribute to the house.
Traditionally we may have switched roles but it is 2012 and anything is possible.

[J'lyn GG]

Reading your post, Anne, do you really think the responsibilities aren't divided equally, given your circumstances? You said your wife works longer hours. So, do you think she should take on 50% of the household work, as well? If you both worked the same amount of hours, 50% would work, but since you don't, that's not a realistic division, which is why the two of you have worked it out this way. But, in my mind it is still equal.

Like in my case, my husband works full time, I stay home with our children. I do most of the cooking (he might pick up something or make something a couple of times a month), all the necessity shopping, kids to school, doctor, practices, etc., all the laundry washing and folding. I put away his clothes, too. I could go on, but you get the point. He does all of our handy man work, we share mowing the lawn and I help with handy man work, as able (sometimes only as company). My point is, technically our division of household chores is not equal, but given our situation, it REALLY IS equal.

IMO, while some cders may enjoy the 'fantasy' of being a traditional housewife, cders are no more likely to help with household chores than non-cders. Just like not all men who are compassionate, caring, empathetic and sensitive are cders. And not all cders have those qualities.

[Anne2345]

Reading your post, Anne, do you really think the responsibilities aren't divided equally, given your circumstances? You said your wife works longer hours. So, do you think she should take on 50% of the household work, as well? If you both worked the same amount of hours, 50% would work, but since you don't, that's not a realistic division, which is why the two of you have worked it out this way. But, in my mind it is still equal.

Your point is very well taken. Both my wife and I work full-time jobs. My wife, however, works significantly more hours than I do. So your argument is that while she is working, and I am doing home chores, that it equals out. That makes sense to me, and I can certainly buy into the logic. In other words, work is work regardless of where it is performed. The trick, I suppose, is to win the lottery and be done with it all . . . . ;)

[Lorileah]

I do everything. That's what happens when you are widowed.

But to the point, I have shared the household duties my whole life. Even though I am not very good at some (I am a clutter bug so disorganization doesn't bother me much). My mother taught her sons to do their share and my father taught his sons to do their share. When my wife was alive though we did gravitate to certain things. She did not like me doing laundry (wash one load of delicates with towels and you are forever banned), she hated dusting. She liked doing gardening, I did the lawn. I cooked fancier than she did, she cooked better and I always messed up the kitchen more.

I asked her several times if she minded me doing some of the housework while in a skirt or dress and she told me that what I wore didn't make the job any different but it seemed silly to her to dress up to get dirty.

[ReineD]

This reminds me of my SO's favorite children's book, "Frederick" by Leo Lionni. The book illustrates that we all bring different talents to life.

Someone made a very cute video about it:

IGwdwvkn0Cw


Here's also a Google Books preview:
http://books.google.com/books?id=SoTuFG8eLCQC&printsec=frontcover&dq=leo+lionni+frederick&hl=en&sa=X&ei=Mx4fT8PELI3bggex_OGADw&sqi=2&ved=0CD0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=leo%20lionni%20frederick&f=false

[LeaP]

I cannot help but wonder, though, whether I am accepting of the role because of the example my mother set as a woman, and my own transgendered proclivities. My mother, of course, was the primary female within my life growing up. I looked up to her. I respected her. I love her very much. Could it be that I am trying to emulate her as a result of some kind of reverse social conditioning based upon being transgendered?

Interestingly enough, my wife’s mother was also a traditional housewife, and played virtually an identical role to that of my mother. Yet, my wife is all too willing to forsake and leave any such similar role in her life far behind. So what does this say about her? What does this say about the strong relationship we have? Knowing my wife as I do, I simply cannot see her in such a role. So in this, is it possible that my being transgendered allows us to actually maintain and further solidify our relationship in some bizarre, reverse gender role manner?

Point 1 - emulating your mother: You tell me. Are you? Really?

Point 2 - solidifying the relationship via cross-role trading: Prior posts referring to difficulties in your relationship because of your gender identity leave me doubting this.

What does this say about her, and what of irony? It would a lot more ironic in, say, 1965. There's not a lot unusual in the husband and father playing more of a role at home these days, having a professional wife. Well, maybe not in a DRESS, but you get the idea ... If you're telling me that you're doing all this dressed like June Cleaver, I still won't grant the irony, though I will give weirdness points!

Lea

[Katie83]

My mother, like yours, was very much traditional housewife and she had a full time job too. She raised my sister and i single handed and i think she did a very good job of balancing all her work load. All while my father was at work/seeing other women etc.
I'm very pleased that i have turned out more like my mother than my father. This includes the doing the majority of household chores, doing a full time job, all maintainence and repairs on the house, and looking after my daughter.
My wife only works a few hours in the evening, so this unfair division of labour is not something i'm overly happy with, but then i guess that is similar to my mother's situation too, where one person does all the work while the other does what they like.
Sorry about the moan. But you did ask...
Katie

[DonnaT]

We split the chores, except for the laundry, which I do all of.

The chores aren't an even split, however, as she does most of the cooking because she gets home earlier, and I get home around 8 PM. But then, I pay for meals out on weekends.

Plus I take care of the dog and cats more than she does, even though she's the one that wanted them.

[Allisa]

I wonder if I qualify to respond to this thread,I have no SO or children to care for,I work full time and do all my housework from A to Z,home maintenance,vehicle repairs and so forth.I have always been a Felix Unger and if you put faith in astrology I'm a Virgo,the only femme expression is my CDing, where is it writen that being a "homemaker" was a female role?Well justthought I'd cherp in.

Lisa.

[TGMarla]

I'm a part time housewife. I dread cleaning the house, but I do it when necessary. Like you, my wife works longer hours than I do, and I hate to see her spending her spare time, what little of it she has, doing the drudgery. I'm a much better cook than she is, and unlike her, I actually like cooking. I don't mind at all that I do most of the cooking in our household. My motto is "stay out of my way, and let me go, and you'll eat very well". But our division of labor is more because of the time I have to do these things than because of any inner drive to emulate my mother. Both of my parents worked, and early on they decided to split all the housework between the three kids. I've been cleaning house since I was a kid. As a result, I grew up appreciating and preferring a clean house. My wife is the same way. We split it between us, and we manage to keep a nice house.


And I like that "win the lottery" idea there, Anne. I'm all over it.

[SaraTV]

IMO, while some cders may enjoy the 'fantasy' of being a traditional housewife, cders are no more likely to help with household chores than non-cders. Just like not all men who are compassionate, caring, empathetic and sensitive are cders. And not all cders have those qualities.
Preach the good word!

My wife has repaired holes in walls while I vacuum the living room. She'll do the grocery shopping while I'll mow the lawn. I'll polish the woodwork while she does the laundry. I'll mop floors while she's doing the bills.

It's really a random distribution of chores in our household. Random, but fair. Now what I do while I'm dressed, that's a different story. :-)

[eluuzion]

I grew up in a “real-estate” household. Father was a real estate developer, mother was interior designer (and hated to cook). 9pm and both would still be arguing over where to place the closets on a blueprint of the next model. That is why I learned to how to cook. I did most of the cleaning and yard work. My mom said I was extremely organized as a kid. I figured out a “system” to streamline everything, lol.

Same with my business careers. Basically orchestrating order out of others’ chaos, in various applications. Same applied to housework in relationships. The busy mind of abstract reasoning, lol. I am one of those annoying energetic people that wakes up early…fired up…and doesn’t drink coffee, lol. (But I am not a “Type A”):)

By the time my SO(s) would be ready to stop procrastinating the housework, it would be done. Housework is like mental therapy for me. Whenever I feel “disconnected”, I always start vacuuming & cleaning. Makes me feel like I am accomplishing something and puts me in a creative mind-set, for some reason. I never really thought in terms of division of household labor…I just did what needed to be done before my partners got around to it.

:love:

[GingerLeigh]

We share the duties of the house, any imbalance that exists is created by our schedules. Due to time restraints I cook often (and got pretty good at it), do the dishes, linens, vacuuming, and some cleaning (although my version of cleaning is not up to snuff, apparently). I'm pretty sure that I do more around the house than most married men, and it makes my wife happy which makes me happy. On top of this, I also do the typically "male" appointed roles like maintaining the vehicles, shoveling snow, cutting grass, taking out the trash, home renovations and minor repairs.

As kids my sister and I did most of the chores around the house. We didn't have a typical upbringing, so there was no typical housewife role model to refer to. Again, necessity and time restraints.

Ginger

[EllieOPKS]

I have total ownership of the outside chores and the garage. My wife does most of the inside stuff. I will cook but she would prefer I didn't. I seem to make to big of a mess. I can do laundry IF she sorts it out. Otherwise very thing will be pink or lint covered. I fold the towels because they are square. If I had to fold T shirts I would just throw them in a drawer. It's strange but when I try and clean something like the kitchen, no matter how much effort, it never seems as clean and organized as when she does it. My philosophy on doing dishes...if it won't go in the dishwasher it should go in the trash.

[kate473]

If I start doing too much housework, my wife feels threatened and pressured that she isn't doing enough. Sometimes I manage to get her to realize that each of us could get bursts of business and the other can help a bit more.

[franlee]

Back in the 80's and 90's I enjoyed impersonating and working as my wife in the house. It was wonderful to have her appreciate a by product of my interest and to get a reward out of my mix of pleasure and labor. She understood most of my deep feelings for dressing and roleplay. But what ment the most to both of us was that my taking on her identity(as best I could) as my role it was the ultamate form of flatery and admoration. Back then I was smaller and could use her uniforms and clothes to keep me in role. I had my own clothes too but I had her pemission to use hers from the start. It was more than rewarding then, but now that she has whent home to God the memories are presious! Tradional probly not so much but I was a good wife and friend to her.