Given up looking for answers....

[Nichola]

I'm 37 years old, have known I was this way since I was 6, but still don't know why?
Why do I feel so caught slap bang between the genders?

I'd often think maybe I was transsexual but how can I be? I'm such a normal guy & there's a lot I enjoy about being a guy. But for whatever reason, I can't live without my girl time too. I love being a girl, adore it to tell the truth & like a lot here, I wish I'd been born a real one.

The only thing I do know is that it's fun, it's something I enjoy immensely & it's something that just feels so right. With this in mind, I've given up looking for answers. What's the point? If I can't work out why I'm like this after this long, then why waste time trying.

The past few months, I've just been trying to enjoy what I am & really have some fun with it, I've stopped thinking too much & I'm a lot happier for it.:)

Maybe it is a gift rather than a curse.
Maybe I've finally found self acceptance.
Anybody else given up looking for answers?

[JessHaust]

I gave up a long time ago trying to figure out why. I'm more concerned with how.
I'm not transexual, I enjoy my boy mode, but i also really love my girl mode. Find yourself some like minded other crossdressers and just enjoy their company, go out and live a little as a girl. Life will be wonderful.

[Regan]

Nichola,

I know that this is who I am and I have stopped worrying or questioning it. I love the woman in me and I have to find the courage to let my SO know and be able to live the real me.

[Megan72]

Nicola, we are pretty much the same age and I have been feeling the same way. Why the hell couldn't I come to this conclusion when I was younger and a lot skinnier? Kelli

[SuzanneS]

I'm not sure if there are any positive answers, Nichola. I'm 37 also, been into this since my mid teens I suppose, and thought about it even before that.....I feel guilty for it sometimes, and that works at my mind some days, but for now I'm just enjoying my time that I can spend as Suzanne and I keep it to myself for now. I'm a "manly man" when I'm in guy mode, and have a manly job, but I need my Suzanne time every now and then. I guess you just gotta keep doing what you do until you do find answers(if you really need to). The good thing is that there are places like this on the www. for us girls to talk to each other about this stuff and until we find some answers, hopefully it will keep us sane. Feel free to hit me up anytime to chat if you want. Talking always helps.

Suzanne

[WsprsOnTheWind]

Nichola, sometimes we just have to accept that there are never going to be clear cut answers and just accept a situation for what it is.

[Josie M]

For some of us, gender is not a binary thing.....I'm good with being male but, sometimes my spirit must express itself as female.....

[Karren H]

Yeah! Makes all the difference in the world... Who cares why.. Even if you really knew, it wouldn't change a thing.. Congratulations!

[rachaelsloane]

Hi Nichola,
Sometimes it just takes time and circumstances to change to make us see things more clearly. We're on a wonderful path and need to just enjoy. Wish you were closer so we could go out together.
Always,
Rachael

[RenneB]

You be readin' my mind girl.

I heard that the meaning of life is given to us 10 seconds before we leave this rock. So, I'm content with the journey and trying to figure it out how to get from point A to point B with all my fingers, toes, etc in tack along with my mind. We were born this way for a reason. Nope, I don't know why, but I'm sure it was for some good reason.

Today is a gift that's why they call it the present. So just enjoy the ride and let the figuring out part come when it comes....

When I have a chat with the girl upstairs when this is all over, I'll let you know.... somehow.. okay maybe..

Renne.....

[Teri Ray]

Like others above I am happy that I finally gave up with the nagging question of why I am the way I am. I finally accept that I am a passionate crossdresser and happily I no longer question why.

[Marleena]

Atta girl Nichola! You found your answer.:) It took me 20 years longer to find mine.

[NathalieX66]

Nichole,
Welcome to the world of non-binary gender....I'm one too!
I'm this/I'm that. ......it's called being gender fluid.
Most people are one gender. Transsexuals are also one gender.....they just happen to be born the wrong gender, and looking to fix their sutuation.

[rachelgirlnw1]

Hi Nichola,

I *so* understand how you feel. I love being my guy self and I love being Rachel. I think it's a healthy experiment to see what happens when you don't think too much for a few weeks. I was surprised by my results. PM me if you want to chat more. :)

Take care,
rachel

[ReineD]

Nichole,
Welcome to the world of non-binary gender....I'm one too!
I'm this/I'm that. ......it's called being gender fluid.
Most people are one gender. Transsexuals are also one gender.....they just happen to be born the wrong gender, and looking to fix their sutuation.

:yt: ...................

[washington cd]

To be honest Nichola I go back and forth constantly. I do love being a man, but although I have not been fully dressed in a long time, I constantly wear an item women's things almost on a daily basis, wether it is panties or leggings or hose I still enjoy it. I never really got far in my thoughts of if I truly would want to be a woman or just be a man, and while I think in some ways it would be nice to not have to worry about telling significant others and potential girlfriends. But I also think it's a good thing because it does give me more of a feminine side to understand women a lot better. So I guess in one sense I am content where I'm at? Although I would LOVE to be enfemme more and be with someone who is open and willing to help with that part of me.

[vivianann]

Congatulations, you are now in self embracing mode, because it does not matter anymore why we want to dress emfemme. Now you can enjoy being enfemme when the need arises. It has been six years since I came to the same conclusion about wanting to be enfemme. And I can tell you it has been an awesome journey these past several years since I left the confines of the closet (house) enfemme.

[Foxglove]

Who cares why.. Even if you really knew, it wouldn't change a thing..

Yeah, but then I'd know why. You know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat, but information made him fat."

Unlike a lot of girls, I really want to know why. Why do I want to know? Just cuz.

For as long as I live, I'll be doing my best to keep an eye on the latest research. And if I do ever get an answer, what will I do with it? I don't know. Give it to me, and then we'll see.

In the meantime, I'd agree with everyone else. Just enjoy yourself. Make the most you can of life. CDing may be unexplained, but it's heaps of fun! Go for it!

[prettytoes]

I feel exactly the same way. I love being a man, and all my "manly" hobbies and activities. Then comes my softer side... I love painting my toes, short skirts, tights, yoga pants, etc. Wearing women's clothes just makes me feel right; it completes me. I am miserable without my girl time.

[Cathy J]

I gave up trying to figure out what I was long ago. I enjoy both modes. The greatest thing that has been for me is discovering this forum right here with all the wonderful people no matter what we're called. Long live women!! Long live men!! I'm happy to be either from time to time.

Hugs,

[Ameli]

As I get older (I'm 42) and get more comfortable with who I am, it's becoming easier to enjoy the girl time and worry a little less about why I enjoy it so much. On a good day, I feel really lucky to be able to enjoy being between genders. I can hardly wait until I'm 50!

Ameli

[jillleanne]

Sounds like you are coming to accept who you are. That alone will bring happiness and peace. I'm older than you ( unfortunately lol) and that question pops into my head from time to time still, so when that happens I just say hmmmmmmmm........and ask myself questions like, "If it takes an hour to dig a hole, how long does it take to dig a half of a hole?" or " How can a machine in a hotel make round ice cubes?"

[Savannah]

Ditto Girl ... i feel the same way . and started about the same age... i am a little older ..... and really only learning and exploring Savannah more here in the last couple of years, and that is with the help of a very accepting and encouraging woman best friend and partner... She tells me.. (especially when i have those days of feeling guilty of this part of me).. Honey its who you are and you are so much happier when you are Savannah ... you just glow..
I love being a man... but I do feel more at peace when i am Savannah... but i am still learning and growing each and every day. and will continue to be the best i can be where ever i am ... and what part of me is showing at the moment... just wish i could let Savannah shine more often... :-)

[Stacey Summer]

I know exactly what you mean. I've posted about this before. I was asked by a friend if I wanted to become female. My answer was no. I don't want to become female, I just wish I was born that way. My lesbian friend tells me I'm gender-queer. I have to say, after Googling the term, I agree with her assessment.

[Kate Simmons]

The real key to it all is to take ownership of yourself and of your feelings. Once that is accomplished it's all downhill.:)

[kimdl93]

I do think that a lot of us are coaught between the gender poles. Other than the external parts, there's no physical or psychological reason that we might not develop at any point in between. I'd rather not get bogged down in debates about who is what, but I do think that its possible to be somewhat more towards the TS end of the spectrum, to need and immensely enjoy expressing your femininity and still retain some aspects of a "normal guy".

You nailed it by saying you've found self acceptance. At the point of self acceptance, "why" doesn't matter so much. It just is.

I remain curious about why, but only in the academic sense. I doubt that anyone will soon offer a definitive clinical test that will tell me why I am as I am. At best, there may be a range of possible explanations...and I can choose one if it suits me.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I am old enough,55 to have gone through the time when none of this was available on-line and very little could be found that you could research it without anyone knowing what you were researching. I used to think that I was one of only a handful of weirdo's that did this. I'm good with it now because I know that I'm not like "TIGGER", I'm not the only one. I thank all you girls on here for that and I think we are all special because of this thing we do.
I am happy being a man because I have such a good life as a result of my manhood, sometimes I wish that I could go back in time and have a do over but I can't and probably wouldn't even if I could. I just go with it as much as I can, and maybe you should as well.

[suzy1]

I could not care less. What’s the point in worrying about it?
I just enjoy a fantastic part of my life. That’s all there is to it.

‘Maybe it’s a gift’?……….it is a gift!

SUZY

[Pythos]

Gender fluid.....That describes me.....kinda. :P

[Radina]

I feel exactly the same way Nichola. Except that I started experimenting when I was around 10-11 yrs. Now i'm 25 and pretty much still loving my occasional girl time. It's totally secret to my family and i've never been out in public but I'm dying to, but my conscience just won't allow it. It will only bring more problems in my life. But The rush that I feel while dressing and being in character is thrilling. I've found that my cross dressing is almost 100 percent for fetish reasons rather than gender identity or such. I don't have an issue being male although I would do anything to be a real biological girl for only even a day just out of curiosity. I used to get annoyed that I'm like this, and deeply questioned why; but I've shrugged it off and have said screw it. I'm not hurting anyone for following my heart! Except that it's been preventing me from finding a girlfriend. It's very annoying being lonely but perhaps my slight non-masculine/alpha qualities have led me to have no success with the opposite sex.

[DanaR]

Who cares why, sort of like stuck between two genders.

[Delila]

I think that crossdressing is often not a black and white issue. I have been dressing as long as I remember in one form or another. I did fell guilty a lot of my life and I still have guilt sensations. I think the breaking point for me was when I gave up religion as soon as it was no longer a sin I adapted more quickly. Not saying anyone should give up religion just be aware of the negative guilt feelings that it may bring.

[dominique]

I've been looking for answers for the best part of 30 yrs. Many different answers have been forthcoming and all are valued. I've finally come to the conclusion that I enjoy being a woman and that's all I want.

[LeaP]

Gender fluid.....

I don't know about "gender fluid." As a term it sounds like something an embalmer encounters ...

Yeewww

Lea

[Patricia Jane]

It is a gift, enjoy it, be happy with it, and really don't try to explain it, I do not think you can.

[Rachel Flowers]

About a week after finding this forum and a fortnight after coming out to my wife I decided I was satisfied with the level of understanding I've got. Like you, I enjoy some of the benefits of my male side, and if I go too long without "being" Rachel, it starts to stress me but answers? Who needs them? Maybe the real TSs, who would actually rather die than spend the rest of their lives as men do, but not people like us.

[Polly R]

Hi Nichola

Life as a CD can be complicated can't it? After nearly 40 years of it, I still sometimes feel ashamed and confused by it all although with a somewhat understanding wife, who has helped me a great deal in recent years, I'm just about coming to terms with it and starting to enjoy being dressed and going out occasionally to the local CD group.

I'm not TS, don't want to transition, love my manly work in heavy engineering and for a hobby, restoring big, hissing steam locos. Then comes my softer side... Wearing women's clothes just makes me feel right and brings a sense of calm. Can't explain that but I'm sure you and the other ladies here feel the same way. Without some girl time, it just builds up an irritability that won't go away until Polly comes out of the closet again and on goes my foundation, stockings or tights, dress, heels, wig, warpaint... And all goes calm and it feels somehow, right.

xx Polly