Jackie Bee
01-25-2012, 11:49 AM
Good day Lady's.
I learned one lesson the 1st time I put on makeup to go out, its not going to bee perfect. It looked nothing like my original conception of what I was trying to achieve but I was late for a meeting so I decided that its close enough and promising myself to do better next time I headed to the LNT meeting and too the birth of Jackie Bee (with nail polish still wet). After that night I started to make plan's, I only go out once and sometimes twice a week but I need... padding, yes that would bee good, makeup some really good high-end stuff and I will be able to a better job, some expensive shoes that will fit like a glove, relay nice wig $200-$300, hell I need two, electrolysis ?, may bee .So a month and a half into my newly expanded wonderful lifestyle I have a list of what I cant live without.
Went to JC Penny (in drab) to pick up 3 dresses that I had ordered the girl at the pick-up counter was relay nice and explains that I need to keep the bar-code tags for return if they don't fit I advised her that they may bee a little small but Im loosing wight, she thinks I'm making a joke and starts to laugh she quickly realized by my straight face that I was not making a joke and her laughter stoped abruptly with a exclamation of Oh! ok, I politely advised her that I was a crossdresser and if I show up at the meetings in blue jeans and a T shirt all the other crossdressers will laugh at me so I had to get some equipment. I bid he good day and was on my way. I never knew there would bee so much comedy in crossdressing, at least for me there is.
Now comes my moment of realization. Got home and while inspecting, trying on my new purchases I found that one dress that had poker dots had a issue "misaligned dots" is this a second ? is it defective ? they have the dress in the store so I prepared to return and see if all of them had this defect and if not, exchange it. I was not going out looking like I buy from goodwill (not that I have anything against Goodwill). Here it comes, I start to think, who is going to see me in this dress ? the Mall the club's. But who is really going to see the dots ? nobody. Everyone will see a guy in a dress (I don't pass). Nobody will say or think OMG that guy's dress has some misaligned dots, "that's so tacky". All they will see is a guy in a dress. If I was missing an eyelash, nobody would notice, run in my hose, mixing gold and silver jewelry, missing nail, none of this matters to anyone other than me.
As a femmiphile "the most common form of crossdresser' I am driven to feminize myself. However for me, I apparently am fixated on perfecting the art. Everything has to bee just right, striving for perfection, everything exactly how I think it should bee. Feb 5th Jackie will bee 3 months old, 1 year 5 years from now I bet Ill bee gorgeous and at the Mall people will see an attractive older woman, at the clubs they will say is she, isn't she ? (there is always going to bee a ? at the clubs, I would bee happy with that) but it doesn't matter what I do even if I'm so hot I make Katy Perry look like a drag queen when I walk out my door and look in the hallway mirror I will still see imperfection, I will always see sometime I could have done a little better.
For me I had felt like I was in a race, that I had to get to some point as quick as possible but its a race with no finish line. I will never active perfection in my mind or physically so I'm going to take it slow, tap the brake a little and just enjoy trip. I have given myself permission to say " its good enough, Ill do better next time". It don't have to be perfect because all anyone is going to see at the moment is a funny looking old fat guy in a dress. What they don't know is that Im having more fun than Iv had in 25+ years.
Looking back over what I have written I almost didn't post it. It don't have much to say about anything important. What is truly important is family and friends. Some people around me have real word issues going on but still find the time to listen to me complain about my stupid stuff . And I love them for that.
I'm still fixated from the end of my weekend as Jackie until the beginning of the next, its all that's on my mind but at least I'm not anal about it anymore and that's a step in the right direction.
172959
Footnote: Upgraded my $30 wig Didn't get a $300 wig I did just order a $65 one + $10 ship (everywhere I looked it was $90 to $130) if I had ordered 2 sets of eyelashes my order would have been $70 and I would have got free shipping and saved $5. Oh well, Ill do better next time.
http://tinyurl.com/6pkrfvo
I think I like the girl more than the wig. Wonder if she comes with it ?. Ok, I'm hoping for a really big box on my door step.
I learned one lesson the 1st time I put on makeup to go out, its not going to bee perfect. It looked nothing like my original conception of what I was trying to achieve but I was late for a meeting so I decided that its close enough and promising myself to do better next time I headed to the LNT meeting and too the birth of Jackie Bee (with nail polish still wet). After that night I started to make plan's, I only go out once and sometimes twice a week but I need... padding, yes that would bee good, makeup some really good high-end stuff and I will be able to a better job, some expensive shoes that will fit like a glove, relay nice wig $200-$300, hell I need two, electrolysis ?, may bee .So a month and a half into my newly expanded wonderful lifestyle I have a list of what I cant live without.
Went to JC Penny (in drab) to pick up 3 dresses that I had ordered the girl at the pick-up counter was relay nice and explains that I need to keep the bar-code tags for return if they don't fit I advised her that they may bee a little small but Im loosing wight, she thinks I'm making a joke and starts to laugh she quickly realized by my straight face that I was not making a joke and her laughter stoped abruptly with a exclamation of Oh! ok, I politely advised her that I was a crossdresser and if I show up at the meetings in blue jeans and a T shirt all the other crossdressers will laugh at me so I had to get some equipment. I bid he good day and was on my way. I never knew there would bee so much comedy in crossdressing, at least for me there is.
Now comes my moment of realization. Got home and while inspecting, trying on my new purchases I found that one dress that had poker dots had a issue "misaligned dots" is this a second ? is it defective ? they have the dress in the store so I prepared to return and see if all of them had this defect and if not, exchange it. I was not going out looking like I buy from goodwill (not that I have anything against Goodwill). Here it comes, I start to think, who is going to see me in this dress ? the Mall the club's. But who is really going to see the dots ? nobody. Everyone will see a guy in a dress (I don't pass). Nobody will say or think OMG that guy's dress has some misaligned dots, "that's so tacky". All they will see is a guy in a dress. If I was missing an eyelash, nobody would notice, run in my hose, mixing gold and silver jewelry, missing nail, none of this matters to anyone other than me.
As a femmiphile "the most common form of crossdresser' I am driven to feminize myself. However for me, I apparently am fixated on perfecting the art. Everything has to bee just right, striving for perfection, everything exactly how I think it should bee. Feb 5th Jackie will bee 3 months old, 1 year 5 years from now I bet Ill bee gorgeous and at the Mall people will see an attractive older woman, at the clubs they will say is she, isn't she ? (there is always going to bee a ? at the clubs, I would bee happy with that) but it doesn't matter what I do even if I'm so hot I make Katy Perry look like a drag queen when I walk out my door and look in the hallway mirror I will still see imperfection, I will always see sometime I could have done a little better.
For me I had felt like I was in a race, that I had to get to some point as quick as possible but its a race with no finish line. I will never active perfection in my mind or physically so I'm going to take it slow, tap the brake a little and just enjoy trip. I have given myself permission to say " its good enough, Ill do better next time". It don't have to be perfect because all anyone is going to see at the moment is a funny looking old fat guy in a dress. What they don't know is that Im having more fun than Iv had in 25+ years.
Looking back over what I have written I almost didn't post it. It don't have much to say about anything important. What is truly important is family and friends. Some people around me have real word issues going on but still find the time to listen to me complain about my stupid stuff . And I love them for that.
I'm still fixated from the end of my weekend as Jackie until the beginning of the next, its all that's on my mind but at least I'm not anal about it anymore and that's a step in the right direction.
172959
Footnote: Upgraded my $30 wig Didn't get a $300 wig I did just order a $65 one + $10 ship (everywhere I looked it was $90 to $130) if I had ordered 2 sets of eyelashes my order would have been $70 and I would have got free shipping and saved $5. Oh well, Ill do better next time.
http://tinyurl.com/6pkrfvo
I think I like the girl more than the wig. Wonder if she comes with it ?. Ok, I'm hoping for a really big box on my door step.