Change of heart!

[Kelsy]

I am finding that some of the initial support I have gotten from family members and a couple of friends has begun to change! When I first told them they were understanding and genuinely behind me but as it becomes more clear that I am seriously persuing transition and as changes become more apparent they have backed off abit. My Mother , bless her heart, wants to be there but she is now outwardly hoping this is just some kind of phase and will pass. One of my sons who was initially open to me has stopped talking to me! I think in my sons case his mother, my ex, and his sister , who had a major fit with me and banished me from her life, are poisoning the well. I have felt quite free with a couple of my gg friends but they are in the I should cool it stage!! Many are just having a hell of a time trying to figure things out. Many are confusing orientation and Identity

Anyone experience this? K

[JohnH]

My suggestion would be to "go under the radar" with your transition. Just continue on the medication and wear conventional men's clothes when you are around them and don't mention anything about "transition" to them.

In my case if I had to wear only men's clothes and observe male grooming standards I feel that I have gained a lot being under M2F HRT. The only person I associate with that knows about my HRT is my wife, and she suggested it in the first place.

John

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm sorry but your experience is pretty common if not universal..

the bright side of this is that it goes both way.s..prepare for a rollercoaster ride...

It is very common for people to do some internet research, talk to peers, read articles and hear horror stories and then start to withdraw their initial positive feelings..

Many people are simply afraid for you, or feeling a sense of loss that was not there initially...these are reservations that can be overcome..

This is why its a usually a bad idea to talk alot about this and then do nothing for an extended period of time... Demonstrating your transition with action is the answer...it's likely some will not support you, but keep going forward and you may be surprised to find people supporting you because of it... people like to back winners..I don't think your transition is similar to Johanna's....you are well served to move quickly to achieve your objectives in plain sight

[arbon]

Oh yeah, experienced that...

My brother at first was very supportive, then came back and threatened me and to try to take my daughter away. He backed off a bit when some time passed and after a while we started talking again.

My Boss - at first he indicated he would support me but then a few months later he pulled the rug out from under me. I have kept the job the last 8-9 months under threat of being fired if he catches me in makeup or dressed and that he wont change my name at the shop (phones, email, business cards) . Kinda put a damper on the whole idea of going full time last year because it is a BAD time to look for a job and espescialy when wanting to transition, so basically living in no gender land trying to pull off both identities for a while - switching back and forth everyday. Now gonna wait till the house is foreclosed and I have enough cash to get out of this town, then change my name show up and let him make his choice, if he fires me I am out of here....but that is all beside the point! :)

Those were the two big instances of people having second thoughts...

[Kelsy]

This is why its a usually a bad idea to talk alot about this and then do nothing for an extended period of time... Demonstrating your transition with action is the answer...it's likely some will not support you, but keep going forward and you may be surprised to find people supporting you because of it... people like to back winners..I don't think your transition is similar to Johanna's....you are well served to move quickly to achieve your objectives in plain sight

I agree Kaitlyn,

I have to move forward I am afraid of standing still. I welcome the changes in me and unfortunately my peeps are going to have to adjust. My transition is gaining momentum and my Need to reach my goals gets more urgent with everyday! I am out to nearly everyone with the exception of my customers so I compromise there because I have alot of money to save and I need them right now but this summer there will be no hiding myself and I will be coming out to them aswell. all of my coming out tasks will be complete and the final barriers will be gone with my savings in hand and my FFS locked in I will go 24/7!

K

[Kelsy]

Arbon

My daughter hasn't spoken to me since I came out to her and I have not seen my Grandchildren since. I am not allowed! but atleast she was up front and honest about it even if I disagree with her reaction there is no question where she stood. I know about being an inbetweenie I hate it but I have dreams and my dreams take money and Ill do what I have to do for now!

[Julia_in_Pa]

I call it the great backlash Kelsy.

You first are met with understanding and support only to have it reneged upon a few months later.
I had approx four family members that first said they supported me only to have them walk away later never to return.
Sadly this is extremely common thus a extremely harsh reality for those in transition.

I'm sorry this is happening to you Kelsy.


Julia

[thechic]

I Have had a similar situation,started off all good nealy every body was supportive,now ive lost contact with most of my friends that new me well as a guy and have a sister that hates me shes constantly telling my mum lies about me,but the main thing is i still have my mother small amout of relitives some new friends and my wife and kids and work is ok with me.

[LeeAnnRose]

Change is a roller coaster for all involved, I hope the link works.

http://www.jobs.ac.uk/enhanced/careers-images/381_stages_of_change.png

[Badtranny]

Right about once a week, someone will ask me with mournful concern on their face; "are you sure?" As if I thought it might be kinda fun to come out to everyone as a tranny.

People are unreliable for the most part Kelsy, and support will come in drips and drops. This is why we're all so pig headed and independent, we do what we need to do whether they support us or not. I don't need support, I need legal protections and grudging acceptance that I exist. Support would be nice, but screw 'em if they can't get past their own notions of who I am.

The bottom line is that late transitioners need every inch of backbone they can muster along with a hat full of self confidence.

[Beth-Lock]

I suppose my closest family was not wholey suppportive even at the beginning, but relations eventually deeteeriorated to the point where we are now estranged completely. I think part of it may have been a passive aggressive reaction, as they could not admit to themselves that they were being pollitically incorrect in their real feelings.

I think with me too, they thought it would eventually blow over and that it was just a crazy idea rather than having a strong base. The refusal to read my autobiography which I wrote to painstakingly explain how it happened to me, of course prevented this delusion being counteracted.

So, I agree that the initial acceptance may well be too often followed by a negative response, if not always complete retraction of the initial approval.

[Jorja]

Unfortunately, I have to go along with the rest on this. It is quite common. But, a girls got to do what a girls got to do, with or with out their support and approval. What suprised me was all but one came back into my life at a later time. I guess it is ok as long as they don't have to get their hands dirty so to speak.

[karenlong]

all of it sucks, i was married for 27 years, told the ex 2 years before we were married i was a cd, have been since i was 8, we had 2 kids together, then one day she told me she would rather be alone than be with me, we got divorced, had to tell my parents i was a cd under threat of the ex or she would, i told them, everything was ok, then my parents, the people who gave me life took the exes side in the divorce, my dad died and my mom wont speak to me but the ex still goes to her house, its amazing that your own mother would take the exes side over her son,. so im done rambling now, i have lost friends when i lost my money, i have lost parents because i am a cd, everyone should accept you just the way you are, no matter what, yes it sucks, im sorry that anyone has to go through it

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i have seen many times that if you go full time, if you "make it"....there are people that will be happy to support you even if they were non supportive...

If fear for your well being, or lack of insight into what transition really means is the root cause of their problem, you will very likely find that people accept you.....

fear is a mind killer..

[Kelsy]

Thank you for your responses everyone!


Right about once a week, someone will ask me with mournful concern on their face; "are you sure?" As if I thought it might be kinda fun to come out to everyone as a tranny.

People are unreliable for the most part Kelsy, and support will come in drips and drops. This is why we're all so pig headed and independent, we do what we need to do whether they support us or not. I don't need support, I need legal protections and grudging acceptance that I exist. Support would be nice, but screw 'em if they can't get past their own notions of who I am.

The bottom line is that late transitioners need every inch of backbone they can muster along with a hat full of self confidence.

All sooo true Melissa! My Mum is at the "are you sure stage" I've learned that reliable trust is a very rare thing. personally I find that if anyone tells me I can't do something that is when I get my back up and fight. Late transitioning has one advantage - We have experienced and been through alot of s*!t and have survived. What's the worse that can happen!


Change is a roller coaster for all involved, I hope the link works.

http://www.jobs.ac.uk/enhanced/careers-images/381_stages_of_change.png

You'll find me hanging around number 5 LeeAnne




fear is a mind killer.. That's the battle Kaitlyn - We all have to overcome fear !! I "will transition" and hold on to the hope that those I have lost will return!



I'm sorry this is happening to you Kelsy.


Julia --->>>>>>>>>> Thank you sister!

[melissaK]

I like "the chart" because it really does explain how everyone we deal with has to process the change in our relationship - and it emphasizes how profound our transitions are. I mean you show up at your friends with a new car and no one goes to "the chart" to see where they are in the coping process.

I remember my ex wife was all for me - and then not - and then was but wanted me to go live in SF. My wife was then wasn't - and still mostly isn't. Those reversals hurt me, confused me, and caused me a lot of trouble in dealing with my own guilt/shame/self-confidence issues. As much as I desperately wanted their support and acceptance, I had to move down my own path of transition regardless of their support, so all in all its a pretty emotionally laden journey.

Wish you the best in going forward.

hugs,
'lissa

[Inna]

When initial shock of reveal comes to the ones surrounding us, they for most part are thrown into confusing reality of someone they love not being the person they seemed til now!

Here comes the real truth, to some of them LOVE means: compatibility, sense of a pack, conformity, partnership. All those ingredients are focused more on the physical aspect of what we do rather then whom we are. They look upon our change in the light of surrounding environment and are scared of what OTHERS might say, how OTHERS might react and perhaps cast them aside together with us. They are the ones who dwell in pretense as conditioned by society and conformity to draconian ideals of facade, egos, and standard.

Those who truly love, love for the sake of loving as in spiritual, embracing our soul and our spirit, those shall remain at our side even though such reveal isn't going to be any less stressful. Those who love us immensely shall walk with us into the fire of unknown and try to shelter us on our way.

Here is the beautiful part, even though there are those who reject us due to their own insecurities, they too might grow in the process and finally see the light of truth, we in fact are the teachers to them, showing strength of belief and embrace of truth. But we can not change their hearts our selves, they, them selves must come to that.

I so hope that all your loved ones, Kelsy, shall finally see the light of truth, if not now, then some day!

Love Inna

[AudreyTN]

oh, this is what terrifies me about telling my family! they are soooo religious and judgemental, but in the big picture if they can't accept you for you, they don't deserve you in their lives!

I know that's hard for you because you love them all so much, but you have to be forgiving and just tell them, you love them, but if they can't be supportive then you don't need them in your life, but if they're willing to change and be accepting, you'll be glad to have them in your life. I know it hurts cause you love them, but you don't need that kind of hate or denial because YOU are better than that and you have rise to above that girl! We're here for ya! If you need a friend to talk to, I.M. me on my yahoo or send me a pm and I'll give you my number!

hugs to you darling, hang in there!

[kimdl93]

my only advice is Never give up on trying to re-establish relationships with your son and daughter. If you keep the door open, and even further, keep making polite and respectful overtures, you may one day overcome their prejudices, fears and whatever other resistance is in the way. And if you don't succeed, at least you'll know that you tried, tried again, and tried again.

[Jorja]

Make sure those you feel you really need in your life know how to contact you at all times and that you are willing to talk with them. Then, on the special occasions like birthdays and such, send a card. Remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.