A Matter of Matters

[LeaP]

A matter of fact discourse on matters of clothing and identity.

"The Suit"

I recently purchased, after years of prodding by my wife, a custom-made suit. Several fittings and several grand later, I have my suit. Perfect fit and finish. Lots of nice touches - working cuffs, ticket pocket, 2 pairs of pants, extra belt loops, suspender buttons, etc. High-grade fabric. Tailored to a T (pun intended). It looks good on me. (I guess)

It's hard for me to express enough just how much I hate that suit! As a general statement, I dislike suits anyway. They are the epitome of maleness, of position. They make my skin crawl when I wear one. This one gives me the creeps.

The new suit gets me a lot of compliments. Every single one feels like a slap. Couple that with starched, french cuffed shirt, an expensive tie and polished shoes, plus a full-length tailored overcoat to get the complete picture. Just what I wanted … to achieve the height of male dress. Now that feels like crossdressing. I've never owned anything that made me feel quite as bad in this way.

(I'll toss in one bright spot. I picked a nice red silk lining!)

The suit matters. A lot.

Women's Clothing

I've entered the Twilight Zone. A year ago, dressing mattered so much that I thought I'd burst my seams if I couldn't dress more. Fast forward, past being out with my wife and more free to dress, the desire to dress has all but completely disappeared … but has been replaced by an unconscious need to dress. As the frequency of my dressing has gone up, the dysphoria hasn't decreased, it's increased. It's perverse: dress less and incur more dysphoria. But, dress more and incur more dysphoria! I feel very little anymore about the clothes themselves. Could it be that - wait for it - the clothes don't matter?

I catch myself thinking quite often along the lines of: "I'm fine, I feel normal. I don't need this. I'll just stop" And the added line that immediately whispers in my ear is " … but you can't live if you do that" I don't even feel like it's me adding the line. Sometimes I say it just to see if the other voice chimes in. Does every time … How's that for extreme? Apparently feeling normal and finding resolution are different things.

So, women's clothes matter. But they don't. At the same time. And I can feel both at the same time.

Pandora's box was blown wide open a while ago. Hopefully things will stabilize, but so far the trip on the identity spectrum roller coaster ride has been more of a beeline, and I know exactly where it leads. Clothes are the least of my concerns.

Lea

[Bree-asaurus]

I used to think I was just a crossdresser... that it had to be about the cloths... there was no other logical conclusion. There's no way in hell I was transexual... I tried so damn hard to be a man!

Once I started accepting who I really was and started being myself, it became pretty obvious that it wasn't about the cloths at all.

I realized it was about self expression. I had convinced myself that I was a man and the only outlet my true self had was through cloths. At least that way I could stay a man... well, that's what I thought.

It's funny how you change as you grow. The more you open up to yourself, the more you learn about yourself.

It's a long journey and what you think you feel one day may not be what you really feel the next. Years of growing up believing things are a certain way, being taught who you are supposed to be can really mess you up. It can take a long time to dig yourself out of that deep repression.

My advice... take it easy. Don't worry if you don't know what's going on. Every day, just try to be honest with yourself and do what feels right, what makes you feel complete.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lea,

That's pretty wild because I too had a suit tailored for myself about ten years ago.
I also had some very nice shirts done as well along with buying some high quality Brooks Brothers dress shirts with cuffs.
There was lots of pink in my wardrobe.
I gave everything away to thrift stores in 2006 when I transitioned.

It's funny because when I was presenting in male mode I had closets full of suits, sportswear and shoes.

After transition I don't have alot of clothes except for shoes, gotta have the shoes!! LOL!!

Now clothes don't really matter to me because I've integrated myself and have resolved my GID.

You will get there Lea. Let your mind progress to where it needs to be.

There's no normal except your own.


Julia

[AllieSF]

I understand your hating the male attire and needing the female attire. Lea, have you started any type of therapy to try to get a handle on maybe where you are tending? Since you hated spending "several grand" on some probably very sharp and well made clothes, why did you even do that? It seems maybe that could have been better spent on other more important things like therapy or on other people and not put you through something that was and will continue to be obviously painful. Every time you wear that "outfit" it seems like you will be dragging up these very conflicting feelings. Are you totally out to your wife, including any hidden feelings referencing your statement, " ..., and I know exactly where it leads."? It seems maybe that a pause and self assessment with some third party help is called for. I wish you the best of luck.

[RADER]

I still have a Tux that I got married in. I love to get all dressed up in a tux, however 4 times in 18 years is just
not the same as getting a new dress and wearing it for 3 days straight. O" Well, thats being a closet cross dresses.
Rader

[LeaP]

I understand your hating the male attire and needing the female attire. Lea, have you started any type of therapy to try to get a handle on maybe where you are tending? Since you hated spending "several grand" on some probably very sharp and well made clothes, why did you even do that? It seems maybe that could have been better spent on other more important things like therapy or on other people and not put you through something that was and will continue to be obviously painful. Every time you wear that "outfit" it seems like you will be dragging up these very conflicting feelings. Are you totally out to your wife, including any hidden feelings referencing your statement, " ..., and I know exactly where it leads."? It seems maybe that a pause and self assessment with some third party help is called for.

I'm in therapy now.

I spend the $$ for the professional polish though, again, I needed a lot of prodding. And yes, every time I wear it, it will drag up the conflicts.

I've taken a studied indifference approach to male clothing my entire life. There was a period of about 15 years where I wore khaki pants and a white shirt to work every day, without exception. The ties varied, and I grabbed a blue blazer when required. A dozen pairs of identical pants, replaced as needed. A few dozen identical shirts, replaced as needed. It worked. I have more variety now, again because of my wife, but have pretty much held the line on maintaining a very vanilla wardrobe. The suit takes me out of ignore the clothes mode (in a major way) into having to actually inhabit them. This may all sound odd, but that's how I conceptualize dressing in male clothing and how I have dealt with disliking having to wear it.

My wife and I have had multiple transition discussions. I'm firmly fixed on not having those discussions to any great extent for the time being. I want clarity.

Lea

[ReineD]

The new suit gets me a lot of compliments. Every single one feels like a slap. Couple that with starched, french cuffed shirt, an expensive tie and polished shoes, plus a full-length tailored overcoat to get the complete picture. Just what I wanted … to achieve the height of male dress. Now that feels like crossdressing. I've never owned anything that made me feel quite as bad in this way.

My SO also doesn't dress up. At all. Ever. He owns blue jeans and one pair of black jeans. And Tshirts and henleys. I wonder if he feels the same distaste about men's clothes as you do. I'm afraid to ask, but I will.

My other thought: never in my life have I been so unhappy, so rebellious, as when I was made to do something that I didn't want to do. When I was 15 I was grounded for the summer (caught smoking cigarettes). Was not allowed out anywhere, which was bad enough, but then I HAD to go with my parents when they went out. They went to a baseball game. I didn't want to go and all of my anger over having been confined during the summer was channeled against baseball. It took me 30 years to get over hating baseball.

I know this isn't the same thing. I just wanted to contribute my impressions.

[Kate T]

I dont know if this helps you Lea.

I find womans clothes more "fun" generally to dress up in. But I don't dislike male clothes. Unlike Reine's partner I have a have a variety of male house clothes as well as casual and good clothes. One of the good things about going Op shopping for girls clothes is the other day I came back not with any girl clothes but with a really nice mens shirt (for only $2!).

But then I have never desired, do not desire and have no particular interest in being feminine full time. Why am I replying to you? I didn't know if my feelings and experience may help you with your interpretation of your internal conflict.

[Kelsy]

Lea,
I can relate to the ever increasing dysphoria thing. It seems disconnected with dressing . It is the underlying drive for everything I do
kind of like a monkey on my back. My physical dysphoria is off the charts now when I look in the mirror ans see THAT face ewwwwww! I found some temporary relief when I started hormones and things mellowed out but serious concentration on transition has fueled a renewal of the dysphoria. My body has changed to the point that I am getting some relief there but My FFS needs are driving me nuts! I had to go through my closets the other day with my wife and discard many of my male clothes the hard part of it was that the clothes were very good male brands. I just can't get myself to wear them anymore. I find I am very uncomfortable wearing them


Kelsy

[Bree-asaurus]

I dont know if this helps you Lea.

I find womans clothes more "fun" generally to dress up in. But I don't dislike male clothes. Unlike Reine's partner I have a have a variety of male house clothes as well as casual and good clothes. One of the good things about going Op shopping for girls clothes is the other day I came back not with any girl clothes but with a really nice mens shirt (for only $2!).

But then I have never desired, do not desire and have no particular interest in being feminine full time. Why am I replying to you? I didn't know if my feelings and experience may help you with your interpretation of your internal conflict.

lol... it's all good. I like shopping for men's cloths when I'm dressing up someone else ;)

[Aprilrain]

lol... it's all good. I like shopping for men's cloths when I'm dressing up someone else ;)

me too! before X mass i found myself spending more time and having more fun looking for presents for my BF than trying things on for myself which is always frustrating i might add!

[Hope]

It's perverse: dress less and incur more dysphoria. But, dress more and incur more dysphoria! I feel very little anymore about the clothes themselves. Could it be that - wait for it - the clothes don't matter?

Giggles...

Welcome to trans acceleration. It is real, and it happens, and it sounds like you have a bad case.

the truth is, that the clothes don't matter. Except they do. Except that they don't. The reality is that this is not about the clothes, it is about the life that is lived in the world. But the clothes help us to get to that life, so while the clothes are important, they don't matter, it is not about them. A paradox perhaps. But true.

You are going to be fine. Just roll with the punches, and never be afraid to be who you are.

[Kristy_K]

Giggles...

Welcome to trans acceleration. It is real, and it happens, and it sounds like you have a bad case.

the truth is, that the clothes don't matter. Except they do. Except that they don't. The reality is that this is not about the clothes, it is about the life that is lived in the world. But the clothes help us to get to that life, so while the clothes are important, they don't matter, it is not about them. A paradox perhaps. But true.

You are going to be fine. Just roll with the punches, and never be afraid to be who you are.

That was a nice way to say it Hope.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

"Ding"...

I hear the bell ringing..Your story about the clothes is really a good example of the types of things we all go through..

As a really strong thinker Lea, you can help yourself to try to get outside your internal dialogue for a bit...

I am an overthinker by nature...my job was financial risk mgmt..all i ever see is risk...it's good in business, not so good in life sometimes...

Your need for certainty is real, but so is your nature (whatever that nature is..male/female/middle?)...only by actually expressing your nature and having it reflected back on you can you ever truly know for sure...

[LeaP]

Lea,
I can relate to the ever increasing dysphoria thing. It seems disconnected with dressing . It is the underlying drive for everything I do
kind of like a monkey on my back.
Kelsy

That's EXACTLY what it is. It used to come and go. It just doesn't go away any more. I mean, I've TRIED to make it go away.


Giggles...

Welcome to trans acceleration. It is real, and it happens, and it sounds like you have a bad case.

the truth is, that the clothes don't matter. Except they do. Except that they don't. The reality is that this is not about the clothes, it is about the life that is lived in the world. But the clothes help us to get to that life, so while the clothes are important, they don't matter, it is not about them. A paradox perhaps. But true.

You are going to be fine. Just roll with the punches, and never be afraid to be who you are.

Thanks, but the truth is I don't know the "who" part. The what is changing or coming out rapidly. "Who" never formed, really. I feel like I'm getting lost.



As a really strong thinker Lea, you can help yourself to try to get outside your internal dialogue for a bit...

I am an overthinker by nature...my job was financial risk mgmt..all i ever see is risk...it's good in business, not so good in life sometimes...

Your need for certainty is real, but so is your nature (whatever that nature is..male/female/middle?)...only by actually expressing your nature and having it reflected back on you can you ever truly know for sure...

I do overthink. Analysis paralysis, as they say. A pattern thoughout my life is the need to understand everything about something before I comprehend anything about it. Consume a subject, grasp the whole, then master the details. Bottom up, or incremental learning just drives me crazy. I don't know how to get outside my internal dialog. How did you?

Lea