need advice

[me]

I found that my husband has been visiting this website by accident. I don't think he intended for me to find out. When I asked him about it he didn't say much. I've ben ttying to talk to him about it but no luck. Part of me is upset that he is interested in crossdressing (although i should't really be surprised) but part of me is trying to be open minded. He has always been interested in womens clothes. Our wedding night for he came out of the bathroom in my underclothes!! I have devistated. I need our help understanding what he might be going thru. I don't know how much i can help he or support him, but i need to try to be open minded.

Any help would be great.

Me:confused:

[DonnaT]

Our wedding night for he came out of the bathroom in my underclothes!! I have devistated.

Hopefully he will read your post, recognize himself and open up to you. I hope he realizes that this is important to your relationship. Open honest communication and trust.

Please look around at some of the other posts, especially the one's by the other wives/girlfriends.

If you have specific questions, please ask them. In the meantime, check out the info on this clean site. http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

[me]

Thanks Donna,
I'm confused about all of this but, I do love him very much and just want to help.

[emmicd]

I commend you on your reaching out and your willingness to try to learn and understand. Please realize this: Most crossdressers are your average ordinary guys who are typically male and heterosexual. They love women and they wear femme clothes occasionally.

So don't worry so much. It should be ok! Just take it slow and easy and try to learn as much as you can. A good book you can read is My Husband Betty which is a revealing book written from the wife of a crossdresser.

I hope you can discuss your feelings with your spouse and things work out.

Good Luck!

emmi

[melissacd]

Donna,

If only all GGs were as supportive, open minded and caring as you are. The most important thing that you can give each other at this point is each other's unconditional love, acceptance and understanding. Speaking as a male to female cross dresser who has never had the support of a spouse, I can only say that I would be overjoyed if I had a spouse who cared enough about me to want to find the answers, who wanted to understand. That is a gift and being open to his cross dressing could well be a way to further deepen what already sounds like a strong relationship.

I wish you all the best of luck in your search for answers and feel free to ask questions of me and I will do my best to help you gain my perspective on all of this.

Melissa

[Dixie Darling]

"Me",

You're in the right place to get answers to your questions. And as Donna suggested, you might benefit from some of the information on my web site (thanks for the advertisement, Donna :) ). In fact, it might be helpful if you could get your husband to sit down WITH you and view the material together and openly discuss it as you read it. Ask him questions and encourage him to do the same. Also you can feel free to email me at any time should you have the need to do so.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Hi Me,

I'm sure you're hurt that he didn't share this side of himself with you, but it's not that he didn't trust you but rather he hasn't fully accepted his CDing himself. It's common for CDs to get married thinking that marriage will put an end to their CDing desires. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way -- very few of us quit, despite the fervent desire by some to do so. So if he's feeling guilt and shame over his dressing, he's terrified of losing you if you found out.

The fact that you're here shows your love for him. As another GG (that's genetic girl) said, accepting doesn't necessarily mean that you fully understand why he does it, but supporting him anyway.

Dixie's site has a lot of good info and there's more here. (http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/1258/) "My Husband Betty" is also really good, but be aware that the author recommends that SOs start by reading the just first four chapters and then setting it down for a bit until you can digest that bit before moving on.

To answer the first questions you're probably having. No, he's not gay. No, he probably doesn't want to become a woman. He just enjoys "being" one part of the time. (A small number of CDs realize they're really transsexuals, who want to live full-time as a women, but they're a fraction of the overall CD population.) Why does he do it? We've pondered the question at length and no one really knows. Much of it probably has to do with his discomfort with the male gender role. He may feel he's got a "feminine" side to him that he can't express as a man. He may also want to do things -- like look pretty -- that he feels he can't do en homme.

Anyway, I realize it's a shock, but realize you're not alone. We're to answer questions you might have from the CD perspective, or just listen if that's what you need. I'd also suggest you join the GG forum, where you can talk with other wives as well.

[Shannon]

Hi Me.

I think the fact that you posted such an open and trusting request for help and advice is awesome. It shows a lot of love and care. Your husband is blessed that you want to better understand and learn more. I can only reinforce what the others have said, and encourage you to remain open and trusting, and try to create an environment where your husband can feel comfortable enough to let go of some guilt, shame and embarassment that he may be feeling, so you two can talk.
Best wishes for the both of you.

[Sarahgurl371]

You have definatley found a very helpful place. I hope that things work out for you both. I commend you for trying to understand this side of your husband, some would not. I know that you probably feel hurt, and upset that he didn't tell you. Just read some of the posts here and I think you will gain some insight as to why not. BTW, I too put on some of my wives things "just messing around" in a joking way when we were first married. I guess it was my way of trying to broach the subject and gauge her response. Do not beat yourself up though! This is something that your husband has probably dealt with for sometime, and does not have anything to do with you! It was my wife's first thought " I must not be enough women for him". Nothing could have been further from the truth. Crossdressers do it because something inside of them, not because we are not satisfied with the women in our lives.

Take care, again, try the GG only forum for the point of view of others in YOUR situation.

[TGMarla]

And once again we run into what we consider the most amazing people on the planet....an SO who is willing to put love and support over preconceived ideas. Well, Me, I applaud your willingness to be open minded with your hubby. I cannot really tell you how to go about dealing with this subject, except to say that if he were me, I'd love it if my wife were to do the following:

1) Sit me down and tell me that above all and of most importance to her, she loved me.

2) She was aware of my CrossDressing, and that she would be open minded about it.

3) She was willing to have an open discussion with me about it with no anger involved, and no preconceived prejudices.

And whatever other terms we could come to in an adult manner. I think so far that you have approached this situation in a manner that many of us here wish that our own wives and girlfriends would. You always have our support here, so you may come to any of us any time. You can PM us as well if any one of us in particular resonates with you. The GG forum may be of help to you also.

God bless you. We wish you all the best!

[HaleyPink2000]

It's nice you came here Ms Me!

This is the place to communicate about this topic. Many here range from the once a year pantie dresser to the full time en femme CD. So ask away!

Your CDing partner is lucky to have you! My self my wife is still trying to get her footing after me going to my first support group meeting last May. Even though it was her idea that I go see a Doctor or find a support group. It "CDing" to her is almost a deal breaker. But She finally said to me that it was for better or worse , in sickness or in health etc. So she told me I'm sick and won't leave me. Ok, I'm maybe not the norm but I sure don't feel that I'm sick. I'm sure I have more courage than most Men to go out in public wearing a dress. Self confident I'd say. Know who and what I am. Have my Heels on the ground firmly! LOLOL

Love that your asking questions about this subject! So anything you want to know just do so.

As for your Husband or SO. Just an Idea Hun. Set out some clothing for Him to wear and ask him to wear it during Sex, if that is what He likes. So what, He's the same person no matter what He wears. Remember it's your bedroom no one else need know, what is in your private life. Seems to me you love Him. Also that He loves you. If its a fetish so what, if not the same applies, so what! It's your life with your Husband or SO. No one else need approve, just what makes the two of you happy together. Have fun with life!

Since you came here to ask questions. I hope you listen also. I've been there! Believe me! I'm 54 and so very in love with my wife of 24 years.
No way would I hurt Her. But many hide their CDing. This will cause more pain than being open about it. Yes, I hid it for years. Through things away trying to stop. But the urge always came back. Now that I'm older and a lot wiser, I tend to know what I want out of life, and don't care what others think as much. So what if I'm a man in a bra, panties and a dress. Am I less a person for that? NO! I have needs, loves, desires as anyone else. I'm not a piece of crap to be thrown away.

It took me years Hun to figure this out. That I was not sick, crazy etc.

I had bad guilt feelings. Deep fears that I'd be alone the rest of my life because of it etc. Never ever did I want this in my life. But as it is!!! I'm stuck with who and what I am!!! Can I change it? No! Would I if I could have years ago. Most likely! But now I figured out who I am. I'm happy with me. That is what your Husband/SO has to do! Figure out who he is and what he wants out of life. If you support Him start slow. Go shopping with Him. Ask His ideas on fasion and nail polish etc. The after a while when your buy something for you buy Him one, if He would want it. Ask Him. Be nice and say things like " This would look nice on you"! Love Him enough to open Him up to communicate every want or need with you!

Love and best wishes hun.
Haley:)

[HaleyPink2000]

Being out right open to him will help! If you want something don't hide it either. Keep your lines open to communicate. If you like a certain piece of clothing, furnature, house, or even sex a special way. TELL HIM! Please communicate with Him also. Don't be the one that hides your feelings. If you love Him then also tell Him that! If not then also be open about it.

If you do love Him as it seems you do. Being out front and tell Him you don't care that He is CDing. That you will Love Him no matter what! Maybe you would like it better if He had not been a CD, but tell Him "that you love Him".
You first Have to get past years of guilt feelings many CDing males have. That is hard sometimes. They will tell you all kinds of stories to make it not true. Being a Cross dresser that is. But many Men would have loved to dream of being married and wearing the wedding gown etc.

Love to you and yours Hun.
Haley

[Billie1]

Me:

I want to commend you, on your open mind, and, yes, courage to post the question. This shows that you care enough to find out more about what makes a CD "tick". As others have said, this shows that the love and trust that are essential to a successful relationship are there, and be confident that somehow, at some point, an understanding and co-existence with this particular personality trait is possible. This does not have to be "the end of the world".

Please, do not feel that he violated your trust or honesty with you by not being totally open with his interests. It is not the easiest thing in the world to bring up this up with your SO. I know this for a fact. But, with a little discussion, understanding and trust, this also opens up new oppurtunities in your relationship, and in some ways, makes it that much stronger.

Crossdressing is only dark and evil when kept in the shadows, unknown and un-touched. Honesty, trust and communication only serve to strengthen a relationship. This may be the perfect oppurtunity to do it.

Best wishes for both of you!

[michellejean]

hello me: haley and the rest have just about said it all ,,, and yes we are here for you.and i can tell you he is very lucky to have you in that you do love him so much and you want to understand and i wish you both all the best that life can bring you. michellejean(mrs highheels) ps.this young gal.(63 yrs young)has been down the road and if i can help i will.god bless.

[Honey GG]

Hello ME

As a wife of a CD I can understand your shock for your husband to dress on your wedding night! Not the way I would have wanted to find out for sure.
I would say learn all you can, take it very slow- only do what you are comfortable with. As for reading my husband betty- the recommendation to read only the first 4 chapters is a good one. Digest what you learn from that first use it as a tool to ask your husband questions. The book goes into alot in further chapters that you may never deal with and can sometimes just put alot of fear in your heart. Remember everyone is different, just like CD's are each different in their dressing wants.
Talking to other wives can help so much, helping you gain a better understanding. Communication with your husband is one of the most important things you can have right now. You need to work as a couple to come to understand and support each other. don't be afraid to tell your husband you are not comfortable with something, give yourself time. If there is something you can offer your husband- perhaps wearing panties, give him a pedicure if you feel comfortable.
Relize too that crossdressing is not just a sexual thing, sure it can be an element of it but many CD's have had feminine feelings since 4-5 yrs of age. It is part of who they are. They love women and want to emulate them.
Accepting this part of your husband can be a wonderful addition to your relationship. I have been married to my husband for 31 yrs and have known and accepted for 2 yrs now. Our communication has never been better as well as other areas of our marriage, especially our intimate side. Not what you might expect after so many yrs together.
You don't have to accept it all, but even small things can help so much.

I am going to send you a private message with a website on it with lots of information that will help you understand, probably better than reading the betty book at this time.

Hopefully you will join the GG forum soon.

Honey

[Rachel Morley]

I don't know how much i can help he or support him, but i need to try to be open minded.
Hi Me,

If you are approaching the situation with these kinds of thoughts, you are half way there already. :)

The one thing that has to happen for both of you is to be totally and completely honest with each other about some of your most private thoughts. If both of you can be completely open to sharing your thoughts and when one of you is talking the other one just listens and says nothing until it's their turn to speak, everything (your hopes and fears) should come out. Then hopefully, you can work through things together in a non judgmental way and come to some sort of acceptable solution.

One other thing, when you are doing all of this, both of you keep thinking about the love in your marriage. Keep remembering what it is that you love about one another.

Good luck.

[Missy Anne's GG]

Hi me,

You have found a caring place to help you with your many puzzling questions about crossdressing. You are open minded about this situation because you love your husband and that's a real plus for both of you.

I, too, am the wife of a crossdresser, and found out about it a couple of years ago. Like you, I had many fears and questions but couldn't turn to any friends or family for advice. I loved my husband and wanted to help him as much as possible.

You may not be able to talk to your husband now, but be patient and try to educate yourself about this topic. That helped me erase the negative feelings and thoughts I had, and I gradually accepted this side of him. When the time is right, maybe you can sit down with him and discuss what you have learned about crossdressing. Reassure him that you love him and want to always be a part of his life. I told my husband that, even though at the moment I didn't understand crossdressing, I had no intention of leaving him, and would be firmly rooted forever at his side. At this point in our married life, we have a much stronger relationship and a deeper love for each other.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband, me. We are here for you, whenever you need us.

Hugs to you,

Missy Anne's GG

(GG means genetic girl)

P.S.: Please feel free to pm (private/personal mail) me if you would like to. I would be more than happy to be of help.

[me]

:rolleyes: :p Thanks to you all for your support and caring. It is still a tough topic to talk about. He pretty much doesn't wat to talk about it, yet. I hope we will talk soon. I know we will but just not know. But when he's ready I'll be here to listen and help in anyway. You are the greatest group of people I could ever hope to meet to lean more and to get support from

Again thank you all so very much

ME:;)