I am transgendered.

[natalie james]

the messed up denial is over. i HATE being a guy. the feelings i deal with are messed up. i have no where really to go, and have no idea what to do. i know this post is probably in the wrong place, and im sorry. i just need help.

[LeannL]

Natalie,
You posted in the right forum.

If you want advise, you might want to share a bit more about your situation. Your avatar picture makes you look like you could still be in school but on the other hand you could be a later 20 something.

The first thing most of us would do if your comments are as deep as they seem, is to see a therapist with gender identity experience. Finding one with gender identity experience is key to dealing with your concerns. One without it is, at best, a waste of time and at worse, much worse.

We don't know what your living situation currently is. So it is hard to give you advise about expressing your feminine side.

Leann

[Julia_in_Pa]

Natalie,

It's OK. I fully understand what your feeling. You are in the right place so no worries.
Let's all of us talk about this alright?
Could you give us some details about you Natalie?
I know you said you hate being a guy well have you thought that perhaps your not a guy?
Your in the right place so give us some details about you and let's go from there.
We are all here for you.


Julia

[natalie james]

i have wanted to be a girl since boyhood, but comming from a messed up family anythingpercieved as even slightly feminine would have dire consequences. so i dressed secretly. i got drunk, and told my mom i was a crossdresser. the next day i lied to her about being trans and said i wore makeup cuz i got off on it. but since maybe kindergarten i have known that there are things wrong with me. i have always been near anti social because i was jealous of GGs. jealous because i feel like them but stuck in a masculine piece of s*** body, and relegated to wearing retarded clothes. i should have been a girl. if there is a god, he is a douchebag for giving me a feminine mind and stupid male body.

[Inna]

Hey Natalie, I keep looking at your avatar and all I see is the smile on girls face! All in all, finding out and living denial that almost always accompanies transgender/transsexual condition isn't easy, in fact it sucks big time. However, finding out that there are possibilities for your life to be full and gender friendly at young age is life giving.
First off, you have made an important move, and have become a member of the forum, kudos to ya! Poke at us as much and ask difficult questions a lot, there is no shame in being you, there aren't wrong questions!
This is the right time, many will tell you that they would give you all they have to be in your shoes, and I know it does not help a bit, but what we mean by that, is that you have acted just in time. I am only assuming your age, but you do look young.
Wish you awesome resolutions to life at hand, and welcome amongst your girlfriends :), Love, Inna

[natalie james]

i am 23. :) i started college last year, and lost my faith, minus the deity the dysphoria hit me hard. it's funny you should talk about that particular pic, because i was going through old weight loss pics and saw my fat pic with the saddest look onmy face, and then this one with my crappy eyeliner on and thats it. i cried because i new i really was happy that way.

[Laurie Ann]

Welcome to your new home away from home you will find many empathic women here who understand your plight. We have all had that shah moment which is both scary as well as life affirming. I wish you the best as you begin your journey.

[natalie james]

im glad i posted here. im really freaking out, and can't get my head straight.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Welcome to the Forum Natalie!

BIG HUGS!!!

[natalie james]

thank you everybody for your support

[natalie james]

minnesota? your close to where i am :) lol!

[Asako]

Hrm...first off, you've realized you have a problem. That's the "easy" part. Now comes the really hard part. Dealing with the problem. Sorting through the thoughts, feelings, and hatred/distaste/disgust/etc. of one's biological body is not easy and it will take a while. There are a WIDE range of emotions many of us feel when we realize the "truth". That much I've witnessed here. Seriously, you have taken a very important step by realizing that something is amiss between your body, mind, and soul. Like you, I'm in the infancy of the journey. While there is a question or two I'd like you to think about, I think you got FAR more than enough on your mind right now. =)

On a personal note, if that avatar is anytime recent, you look pretty good for being just 23. Very youthful. ^.^ That's a major plus going for you. Funny thing about me saying that is I turn 26 in May. Also, the others who are much further along than me and older than us can echo that youthful is good with plenty of personal experience behind their statements.

Finally, welcome to this section of the board. ^.^ I hope you choose to stick around and see what others post in the section. I'm also going to echo some of the others. A licensed gender therapist is often a very good first step, especially when it comes to sorting your feelings out. If you don't even know where to find one, just ask us! That's what I did and I found one. =) It was a hard, stressful search but I found one and I live in a very small town.

[natalie james]

Hrm...first off, you've realized you have a problem. That's the "easy" part. Now comes the really hard part. Dealing with the problem. Sorting through the thoughts, feelings, and hatred/distaste/disgust/etc. of one's biological body is not easy and it will take a while. There are a WIDE range of emotions many of us feel when we realize the "truth". That much I've witnessed here. Seriously, you have taken a very important step by realizing that something is amiss between your body, mind, and soul. Like you, I'm in the infancy of the journey. While there is a question or two I'd like you to think about, I think you got FAR more than enough on your mind right now. =)

On a personal note, if that avatar is anytime recent, you look pretty good for being just 23. Very youthful. ^.^ That's a major plus going for you. Funny thing about me saying that is I turn 26 in May. Also, the others who are much further along than me and older than us can echo that youthful is good with plenty of personal experience behind their statements.

Finally, welcome to this section of the board. ^.^ I hope you choose to stick around and see what others post in the section. I'm also going to echo some of the others. A licensed gender therapist is often a very good first step, especially when it comes to sorting your feelings out. If you don't even know where to find one, just ask us! That's what I did and I found one. =) It was a hard, stressful search but I found one and I live in a very small town.

i have to go to des moines for mine, because no one handles it where i live. my shrink does not specialize in gender issues but knows i am a crossdresser and is sympathetic. i have called her at home and she is working on getting me a gender therapist. avatar is a couple of weeks old. what questions would you like me to think about?

[Asako]

Two simple questions in regards to gender without simple answers for most. What do you WANT? What do you NEED? Two questions my therapist bounced off me during our last session. I held back from asking them in my other post since I didn't know if you were still emotionally riding the roller coaster. When that's the case, adding more questions to the mix is almost ALWAYS a bad thing. ^.^; They're solid questions that make me think heavily every time.

[CharleneT]

:bighug2:

Welcome, you're past the first couple of hard hurdles. Take a deep, deep breath and we'll try and help with whatever comes up.



---> from Iowa City

[natalie james]

Two simple questions in regards to gender without simple answers for most. What do you WANT? What do you NEED? Two questions my therapist bounced off me during our last session. I held back from asking them in my other post since I didn't know if you were still emotionally riding the roller coaster. When that's the case, adding more questions to the mix is almost ALWAYS a bad thing. ^.^; They're solid questions that make me think heavily every time.

not sure what you mean. can you elaborate?

[sandra-leigh]

The most important question my therapist has asked me has been "How do you want to live?" Now take that question and run it through again another three times, once emphasizing "you", once emphasizing "want" and once emphasizing "live".

[Krististeph]

You'll get some good advice here, all i can offer is i've been there too- i've vacillated between wanting to be female and dealing with TG feelings as a male. it's been hard on me, hard on my wife, even hard on my employers although they did not know why. Best thing I can say is to not keep it all bottled up- great that you are talking to people here, this is an awesome place for it.

I like your glasses, they help define your face well!

[natalie james]

yep! i need all the support i can get cuz my fam sux. im gonna transition one way or another because i know i will have the possibility to actually enjoy things and to function properly in social settings cuz i can be me.

[Asako]

In regards to your gender issues, what do you WANT? What do you NEED?

This is my take on them:They are meant to bring forth "in general" thoughts on what you want and need. Those "wants" and "needs" sometimes change as we change and as time moves on. So, sometimes revisiting the questions is useful. The reason I asked those questions in regards to you? Based entirely on instinct and a gut feeling.

I still haven't found my full "first answer" to them and that was almost two weeks ago that my therapist asked me those questions. Then again, I'm an introspective person.

[natalie james]

im flattered you like my glasses. thier fake.....

[Krististeph]

It's funny how most of the pic we like the best are not the ones where we have the best makeup or most feminine look- there is a relaxed happiness that comes through- really makes you who you are and who you look like. In a way- that's life too- the space between the big moments- that's life.

From what i've learned, there are LOTS (call it the majority) of genetic girls with no gender issues who go through the exact same feelings- and i'm sure plenty of guys as well. While being TG certainly throuws a new dimension or two of complexity or confusion into the mix- I can promise you it is almost certainly not the cause of feelings of frustration in knowing what you want to do in or how to go about your life...

does this make any sense? How do you feel about that? Does it seem to fit what you are going through, or do you feel something else?

[natalie james]

well, i feel lots of things. but i have had all this going on forever. since boyhood. i always told my self that i was nuts, or was just a sissy crossdresser and i am niether of those things. i remember telling my mom i wanted long hair. wen i was like in kindergarten, and imitating girls at school, i knew i was like them. i was always told "boys don't do this or that." i was really humiliated anytime i acted remotly feminine, which is why i didnt figure things out earlier im sure.

[Victoria Anne]

Natalie , I as many here feel your pain and confusion as we, I knew when I was 3 but could not accept myself until 46 . I have transitioned and live my life as the woman I am with only one regret ... that I did not accept myself sooner . You are in the right place for help and support , we understand your feelings and are here for you , I am here to help you if you desire or to just listen . You have taken the right first steps with a therapist and being here and welcome . I wish you well and peace in your life.

[Hope]

the messed up denial is over. i HATE being a guy. the feelings i deal with are messed up. i have no where really to go, and have no idea what to do. i know this post is probably in the wrong place, and im sorry. i just need help.

Welcome.

You are in just the right place, and among friends. Almost EVERYONE here has been where you are, is still, or will be soon...

And it sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing... seeking help from your sisters, talking about how you feel, accepting who you are. That is a WONDERFUL place to be right now.

If you live within driving distance of Madison WI, drop me a PM and I would be happy to meet for lunch or coffee or something like that if you think that might be helpful. Wherever you are, there are other girls who will be happy to help you too. There are trans support groups in some of the unlikeliest of places.

You are not alone.

[natalie james]

Lol! Thank you so much. If your area is trans friendly maybe i could take a bus up that way. It would be cool to actually meet other people

[david]

hi natalie well girl you are in the right place and i realise that you are maybe wondering where do i go from here i can only say embrace how you are feeing and enjoy the rest of your life being what you are meant to be i/e a female in a male body.Never mind what others think it is your life so enjoy it.We are all hear to help you so tell us how you fell day to day and maybe we can answer your doubts.Have i gone about this the right way?Ithink you have so far. davinaxx

[Hope]

Madison is startlingly trans friendly... LGBT friendly, hipster friendly, single friendly, family friendly, kid friendly, - just pretty down right friendly. Unless you happen to be Scott Walker, but that is a different issue.

It is why my partner and I bought a house here. Seriously, drop me a PM, I would be delighted to meet with you... You could meet some of the other local girls too if you wanted.

[natalie james]

Madison is startlingly trans friendly... LGBT friendly, hipster friendly, single friendly, family friendly, kid friendly, - just pretty down right friendly. Unless you happen to be Scott Walker, but that is a different issue.

It is why my partner and I bought a house here. Seriously, drop me a PM, I would be delighted to meet with you... You could meet some of the other local girls too if you wanted.

that would be great!!! id take a bus up there from iowa,but i would probably be in drab, as i wouldent pass at all with my stalky, pit bull frame.

[Hope]

Whenever I meet a new girl I say the same thing "Come dressed however you are comfortable." We all started somewhere, and we all went through that phase. The invitation is good whenever...

[JessicaM1985]

Natalie, I want to say that you are an awesome person and a great friend. :)
I enjoy our conversations and I want you to know that it was in trying to help you that I discovered that I'm TS as well. It seems that just by talking to each other, it helped us both out a lot.

I sympathize with your feelings. I was always jealous of G.G.s and never understood why. It resulted in me being a loner and mercilessly bullied both in school and at home. When puberty hit, I was let down big time. In between what I know realize was gender dysphoria and the horrible treatment I got from everyone I knew, I was severely depressed and suicidL. I was in severe denial about it all, even though I kept making promises to myself that is such and such things didn't work out, THEN I would live as a woman. Because of those veelings, I have since been declared 5150 twice with the doctors barely bringing me back to life the second time when I tried to hang myself. Even after all of that, it wasn't until my convo with you that I accepted what I am; transgendered. I know now I have gender dysphoria abd it,shows because every time I look at myself in the mirror I want to vomit. I jnow I'm a beautiful woman on the inside and yet, my reflection shows a sad, hideous 6'3" and 375lb gorilla of a man. Who I am inside does NOT match who I am on the outside.

I've seen your pics in both modes and the real you shines in your avatar pic. I must admit that I'm pretty jealous of it. That's the kind of happiness and personal fulfillment that no money can buy.
I'm really proud of you for being such a strong girl and you continue to inspire me to do the same. :)

[natalie james]

Whenever I meet a new girl I say the same thing "Come dressed however you are comfortable." We all started somewhere, and we all went through that phase. The invitation is good whenever...
thank you so much hope:D

[natalie james]

Natalie, I want to say that you are an awesome person and a great friend. :)
I enjoy our conversations and I want you to know that it was in trying to help you that I discovered that I'm TS as well. It seems that just by talking to each other, it helped us both out a lot.

I sympathize with your feelings. I was always jealous of G.G.s and never understood why. It resulted in me being a loner and mercilessly bullied both in school and at home. When puberty hit, I was let down big time. In between what I know realize was gender dysphoria and the horrible treatment I got from everyone I knew, I was severely depressed and suicidL. I was in severe denial about it all, even though I kept making promises to myself that is such and such things didn't work out, THEN I would live as a woman. Because of those veelings, I have since been declared 5150 twice with the doctors barely bringing me back to life the second time when I tried to hang myself. Even after all of that, it wasn't until my convo with you that I accepted what I am; transgendered. I know now I have gender dysphoria abd it,shows because every time I look at myself in the mirror I want to vomit. I jnow I'm a beautiful woman on the inside and yet, my reflection shows a sad, hideous 6'3" and 375lb gorilla of a man. Who I am inside does NOT match who I am on the outside.

I've seen your pics in both modes and the real you shines in your avatar pic. I must admit that I'm pretty jealous of it. That's the kind of happiness and personal fulfillment that no money can buy.
I'm really proud of you for being such a strong girl and you continue to inspire me to do the same. :)
jess, you showed up on crossdressers at just the right time. i think it was no coincidence that we crossed each others path.
in you i found a fellow musician, a guitar nut,and a kindred spirit. a beautiful feminine soul mirroring my own. over the weeks we got to know each other as much asone can over the net, and you giave me incredible strength knowing there were other "me"s out there while my family made fun of me. Jess, it is the comoraderie we share that gave me strength to actually realize without any filter than i am the way i am because i need to be a girl, hate being a guy, and needed to moe forward. now, im that much closer to acceptance. i know that youll be with me through gender therapy, through HRT, and whatever else. thank you so much friend. :D

[JessicaM1985]

Of course! :)

What, you think I'd ditch you after you helped me out? Who would be my other guitarist in the TS metal band Giggling Death? :P ;) :)

And if you're ever out in SoCal, drop me a line for a girl's night out.

[natalie james]

i want to just SEE california. iowa sux!!!! chances are your town is more trans-friendly. are you looking for a therapist yet?

[AudreyTN]

i have wanted to be a girl since boyhood, but comming from a messed up family anythingpercieved as even slightly feminine would have dire consequences. so i dressed secretly. i got drunk, and told my mom i was a crossdresser. the next day i lied to her about being trans and said i wore makeup cuz i got off on it. but since maybe kindergarten i have known that there are things wrong with me. i have always been near anti social because i was jealous of GGs. jealous because i feel like them but stuck in a masculine piece of s*** body, and relegated to wearing retarded clothes. i should have been a girl. if there is a god, he is a douchebag for giving me a feminine mind and stupid male body.

OMG, and here I am thinking I'm the only one in the world who had such drastic opinions and pretty much feeling the same way as you in everything you listed because I feel the same way. wish you were closer, we could be each other's support team! I'm in the same process as you, and pretty much at the same point, although I've already had my first appt with my therapist, waiting on the second one now. Anytime you need someone to talk to, send me a pm and I'll always listen. You're a cute gurl btw. ;)

[karenlong]

i completely understand this, all of it, thought the same thing many times, but since we cant start over, you need to decide what you want to do to feel like YOU, this entails so many things, so just start with being comfortable with yourself, whatever that is.
i realize this isnt alot of help but its a start

[JessicaM1985]

i want to just SEE california. iowa sux!!!! chances are your town is more trans-friendly. are you looking for a therapist yet?

Strangely my town is one of the less trans-friendly places due to a certain conservative movement named after a breakfast beverage sweeping through here. Things are still probably better than Iowa since we have state laws that are pretty awesome compared to other states when it comes to trans people.

Haven't looked for a therapist yet. I have no medical insurance, and will have to pay cash. I dunno what my budget is going to be like since I'm only a full-time college student, and something feels wrong to me about using government money to pay for gender therapy.

I'll figure it out though.

[natalie james]

OMG, and here I am thinking I'm the only one in the world who had such drastic opinions and pretty much feeling the same way as you in everything you listed because I feel the same way. wish you were closer, we could be each other's support team! I'm in the same process as you, and pretty much at the same point, although I've already had my first appt with my therapist, waiting on the second one now. Anytime you need someone to talk to, send me a pm and I'll always listen. You're a cute gurl btw. ;)
thank you :) hit me up anytime.