Am I or Am I not?

[Julie Hall]

Hi everyone,

I have been bouncing back and forth between thinking I'm TS and then ending up with a non-TS vote. I have read so many histories here and some ring so true and like my own - I think it must be; but then others are so totally contrary to my story I figure - can't be.

After the repression ended I can remember so wanting God or a magic fairy to change me growing up and the desolation that followed when not fulfilled. But I also remember never thinking about it during my marriage - not until my spouse died.

Now I can't separate the feelings from childhood and the grief for my lost love. I have begun counseling for the grief at. al., but it takes so long to get down to the essential questions: Am I transgendered?, Am I TS? Is this all part and parcel of the grieving process? As of yet I have no answers, if there are any to be had.

While I wait, I dress. Daily: under dress at work, dress at home and makeup. Nail polish: clear through the week, red or pink on the weekend ( I wear the color when I visit my mother). I have no one at home, so there's no problem with dressing frequency and my mother only wants me to be happy.

I don't know If I'm really asking a question, or merely making observations and asking for objective observations. Please forgive my ham-handed opening post.

[Jorja]

Hi Julie,
Ham-handed or not, welcome to the fourm.

As you are finding, getting to your answers can be frustrating to say the least. You don't say how long it has been since your spouse passed but it sounds as though not long. I am sorry for your loss. Allow me to suggest, one problem at a time. Work on your grief first. After you have resolved that, then start looking into your gender feelings and needs. Meanwhile, just enjoy your dressing and take it one day at a time.

[Julie Hall]

Hi Jorja,

That's kind of what my therapist says - "don't beat yourself up about dressing". I believe his approach is to deal with the grief and self-worth issues first - then deal with gender. I guess I'm a bit impatient, irregardless of suicidal tendencies, if I am TS, my age introduces a need for speed - but if I am not - I would rather take it slower to be certain before any step has potentially dire consequences.

I guess it is my being impatient and childish.

[Jorja]

if I am TS, my age introduces a need for speed

We have a young 93 year old just starting out in one of the support groups I attend. Age is not an issue.

[Hope]

Only you have the answer to the questions you are asking. but I generally think of this as one of those situations where if you have to ask... the answer is probably "yes." The reason is simple... This never even occurs to cisgendered folks.

But there is no definitive test. There is no one story. There is no one pattern of awareness that we all go though that you can look at and say "Yes, that is me!" or "Nope, I have no idea what that is!" You will simply have to discern for yourself who you are.

What is even more frustrating is that this isn't even necessarily something you can put into words or explain to people. Goddess knows - I have a hard time... In my case it is just something I know. I haven't decided that this is who I am, I one day just realized that this is who I am. I can point out to you times when I was 5 and I fell asleep praying that I would wake up a girl. I could point out how all my closest friends are girls. I can point out to you how I used to get choked up just watching girls being girls and feeling like I was excluded and would never belong. i can tell you about the day in Jr. High where I realized that I was suddenly 6'2" and had almost overnight developed a profoundly bass voice, and knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could never convincingly live as a woman - and resolved then and there to push it out of my mind forever - and how it crushed my very soul to do it. For 20 years. And I can tell you about the joy I feel now, being who I am, and living my life for the first time ever.

But while all of that stuff is important - none of it has to do with answering the fundamental question of identity. The question of who I am trumps "what have my experiences been?" The experiences can give you a clue, or insight into the identity when you lack it - but until you discover that identity on your own, the experiences will be insufficient to convince you.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi everyone,

I have been bouncing back and forth between thinking I'm TS and then ending up with a non-TS vote. I have read so many histories here and some ring so true and like my own - I think it must be; but then others are so totally contrary to my story I figure - can't be.
...
I also remember never thinking about it during my marriage

Hi Julie,

I second the idea that if you need to ask the question, you are definitely TG and quite possibly TS - as Hope says, if you weren't it would never occur to you to ask.

I understand what you are saying about being able to identify closely with some of the stories and not much at all with others. What ties us together is that we are all unique individuals with different life stories but that our gender does not correspond to our birth sex. To be honest, I would be worried if your story did exactly match someone else's.

Although I never married, I can relate to your experience of not thinking about your gender for a prolonged period. in my case it was always lurking somewhere in the background, but I did manage to put it out of my head for very long periods. Does this mean that either you or I are not TS? No, it just means that we are individuals with our own life experiences.

Others have already underlined what your counsellor is saying about dealing with the grief first and although at 56 I can relate to your thoughts about time running out, as long as you have not taken your last breath, it is not too late to do the right thing for your future.

[Jonianne]

My Angel passed 7 months ago and like your therapist, my gender therapist, just the other day, said that I must continue through the greving process first. When I was married and so happy with the love of my life, the thoughts of being TS would be churning deep in the background, but I would never allow my mind to activitly go or stay there.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is no doubt that traumatic events in your life can trigger these feelings inside..

They say your "bell is rung"...a trite phrase but it's incredibly true.... a friend of mine says .."the bell is rung, the horse leaves the barn, it's unstoppable and it runs away as fast it is can until exhausted and collapses"....that's when you start transition..

now we can quibble about that analogy..but it does reflect alot of ts experience... it can be true that your loss is triggering what you know to be true, but it can also be true that you are putting your gender issue in place of your pain...it can be both!!

It would be a terrible outcome to put the gender issue on the table and make mistakes that cause you MORE suffering... ts life can be brutal... you lose MORE people in your life...whatever you do, make sure you are in the best mental place you can be..

I am very sorry for your loss..

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi Julie,

When my "bell" went off I had to transition period. It was the most difficult and gut wrenching thing I have ever done or will ever do in my entire life.
Somewhere inside of you is the answer that you seek. In fact I'm very sure a part of you already knows the answer.
The key is to bring that answer to the forefront in order to deal with the inevitable pain and questioning that will follow that answer.
This is where a therapist will work with you to have you come to grips with this.
I'm so sorry about your spouse Julie.
You have much on your plate. Have you sorted out everything concerning your spouses passing?
If not I believe that this should come first prior to attempting to sort out your issues concerning whether or not your TS.
Despite all of this remember that your human and that your worthy of giving yourself love, respect and time in order to move forward in your life.
God bless you sister.


Julia

[Julie Hall]

I wanted to thank everyone who commented. The bottom line is that the grief needs to be dealt with first, before gender identity issues. Approach those issues with a clearer mind. Yes, I am quite sure there will end up questions about and around gender. Those questions can be dealt with after the grief is at a more manageable level. The one caveat would be if the anxiety over gender builds too quick and dressing isn't an adequate outlet for the short term.

Julie

[DanaR]

Julie, what I would recommend is not telling or doing anything that couldn't be undone. This way your options are completely open. If you tell people at work that you are a TS, and then you change your mind, it could be a problem.

[Hope]

Julie, what I would recommend is not telling or doing anything that couldn't be undone. This way your options are completely open. If you tell people at work that you are a TS, and then you change your mind, it could be a problem.

This is good advice.

This is one of those things where once you say it, you can never walk it back - so be sure.

[JOANNE]

I was in a similar position to you Julie and grieved for 5 years. I had started transitioning about 6 months before her death, and like you had suppressed my feelings for years. Since then I have stopped and restarted HRT twice but am now determined to continue. Memories flood back but I have to get on with life

[Julie Hall]

Julie, what I would recommend is not telling or doing anything that couldn't be undone. This way your options are completely open. If you tell people at work that you are a TS, and then you change your mind, it could be a problem.

Dana and Hope,

I do understand the concerns you voice. I've read enough threads on the site to be wary of the way even the nicest folk may react. I think the people I work with are some of the nicest people, but they are acquaintances. They have been great to me as I have hit roadblocks in the grieving process. When I broke down in tears during the company gift exchange, all I got was sympathy from everyone. As high a regard as I keep them - I don't know how any might react to my gender questioning. I have kept this out of the office. I do wear clear nail polish at work, but no one's said anything for the last two weeks. I'll be circumspect in how long I let them get - heck I'm just happy I haven't chewed them all to the nub!

Should I eventually end up deciding transition is my path, work will be the last step, the last coming out event. I do know that it will be a long and arduous road, no matter what the decision.

Thanks again for the caution.

Julie

[Julie Hall]

I was in a similar position to you Julie and grieved for 5 years. I had started transitioning about 6 months before her death, and like you had suppressed my feelings for years. Since then I have stopped and restarted HRT twice but am now determined to continue. Memories flood back but I have to get on with life,
Joanne,

I'm sorry your road ended up so offtrack, if only..... I know I've said that to myself enough as well. I remember when my sweetie lost her daughter it took her around ten years before returning to the world. I hope it doesn't take me quite as long, but I realize it could very well take the rest of my life to grieve. I have also come to realize, I will be in no position to make any decision about gender, TS or transitioning until I have dealt with the major issues I have with losing her and my purpose in life.

I wish you the absolute best in your continuing transition. I hope to see some updates occasionally on the forum.

Julie

[Bree-asaurus]

Don't worry about your age. Don't try to rationalize the reasons why. Don't think your story has to be the same as everyone elses'.

Worry about yourself and your feelings. Work on being honest with yourself and you will go far (in whatever direction you need to go in). Once you actually get to know yourself, everything will make sense.

[Nicole Erin]

After the repression ended I can remember so wanting God or a magic fairy to change me growing up and the desolation that followed when not fulfilled.

Magic fairy - maybe this guy could have helped

[Melissa Jill]

A girl on here once said to me "you already know the answer, its just being able to admit it to yourself"

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

A girl on here once said to me "you already know the answer, its just being able to admit it to yourself"

This is a very simple yet accurate answer. I believe that the hardest part is accepting yourself for who you are, since it is so easy to trick yourself (and others) to believe you're someone who you aren't. Sooner or later, the masquerade will catch up to you. Don't get me wrong, the road to transition (if you find that this is path you need to take) can be pretty difficult (which I am bracing myself for) but overcoming the initial hurdle is one of the biggest steps to achieve.

Everyone who begins the transition process has many doubts and with this doubt comes fear. We humans have a tendency to fear the unknown and this fear will stop you from doing things that you need to do. I overcame this obstacle by paying close attention to my feelings; how I feel as a male versus how I would feel as a female. One exercise I used was visualizing myself doing simple things such as playing my guitar or taking a road trip to visit my mom in Central Washington. Then, I would visualize myself doing the same things, except as female. It literally (and still does) brought tears of joy and happiness to my eyes.

I also asked myself the question that most, if not all trans people ask themselves before they accept the fact that they're transgendered: "Am I really transgendered or am I just a crossdresser?". This is really where you turn to your feelings for an answer. Crossdressers like how they look in the opposite gender's clothes and are perfectly comfortable, even dressed, with their assigned physical sex. It's my understanding that trans people, even while dressed, are not happy with how they look because they still feel "wrong". I hope this is easy to understand because this is something that I find it very difficult to put into words.

Think of it this way: individuals who are perfectly fine with their physical sex and assigned gender role in society don't question their gender and/or physical sex; they're perfectly comfortable being who they are. Thoughts of transition do not run through their heads. Still, give it a lot of thought before you make a final decision but try not to let fear/doubt guide you. When you begin to realize that fear is really the only reason holding you back from being who you really are, your answer will become much clearer to you.

[Julie Hall]

Nicole, now that fairy has to be magical! How else could that picture be taken!

[Melissa Jill]

One exercise I used was visualizing myself doing simple things such as playing my guitar or taking a road trip to visit my mom in Central Washington. Then, I would visualize myself doing the same things, except as female. It literally (and still does) brought tears of joy and happiness to my eyes.

I can relate to this. Lately Ive noticed I feel a little empty and a bit on edge. Dressing doesn't do much to help with that to be honest and I assume its because I lack the body for it.

[Annaliese]

Julie only you can decide, with help from counseling.

[Kate T]

It would be a terrible outcome to put the gender issue on the table and make mistakes that cause you MORE suffering... ts life can be brutal... you lose MORE people in your life...whatever you do, make sure you are in the best mental place you can be..

I am very sorry for your loss..

I am sorry about your wife as well.

I agree wholeheartedly with Kaitlyn. You need to resolve your grief from your loss before you address an issue like TS'ism otherwise I suspect it will be very hard to identify from where the pain and sadness is coming from.

Also I disagree with a few who have posted that if you have asked the question of yourself then you probably are. I would suggest if a CD / TG has NOT asked that question of themselves then they have only a superficial understanding of their gender. What is the first (well one of the first 3 questions) that every partner of a TG person asks? "Do you want to be a woman?" I firmly believe you better have asked yourself that question and come up with an answer, particularly if you do NOT consider yourself to be TS.

[Rianna Humble]

I disagree with a few who have posted that if you have asked the question of yourself then you probably are. I would suggest if a CD / TG has NOT asked that question of themselves then they have only a superficial understanding of their gender.

You disagree that if the OP has asked the question then they probably are TG, yet go on to say that all TG should have asked the question. How does one follow from the other?

[JessGold]

Julie,

I'll approach this question from a somewhat different perspective than others who have already, or are in the process of transitioning and living as a woman (their true self) full time.

For some background, I'm 29, married, and a father of two. I'm mostly in the closet with the exception of my wife who loves me for me and now embraces my femininity. Like most every girl on here as an adolescent, I dreamt I was a girl, wished I was and wondered why I wasn't, and mourned the inability to be... feminine. I repressed my desires as best I could and became a shell of a man. I did only what I was supposed to and followed the path of least resistance. I believed I should do what society dictates is right and not what was in my heart. I wasn't seeing the beauty of individuality...

Two months ago, I had an epiphany and decided to embrace my repressed feelings, desires, and... femininity. Obviously two months is a very short time to consider I have any wisdom on the subject, but what I've come to know is that I am TS, than my mind is decidedly feminine and my body is not. But the question I keep coming back to is... "Can I be content living as a man, knowing my mind is not manly?"

Today, I am relieved and genuinely happy accepting the duality within me. I am embracing the woman inside, and am a better person for it. Today, I am at peace being the "woman in a man's body" I was born. The $10MM question is... Will I be content with that reality tomorrow? Honestly, I don't know that answer, but I'm not going to look that far ahead right now.

Julie, I think it is perfectly acceptable to take things one step at a time and embrace the "you" that has been repressed out of necessity, because of societal pressure to conform, and out of fear of the alternative. You are grieving the loss of your wife and for that, I am truly sorry... However, it is OK to find joy accepting you, the man and the woman, without going further too quickly. Also, who says you have to transition, once you realize you are more female identified. Who say you have to do anything to change your physiology and appearance once you accept the "you" you have hidden most of your life? What really matters is that you are content with the person you show to others and more importantly that you are content with the person you see in the mirror.

If the answer is that you can't be content and find joy in the life you live as a man, with nail polish :D, maybe its time you take the next step...

(p.s. It is not lost on me that much of this post is as much self reflection as it is a response to Julie)

In any endeavor you choose Julie, try to be content with the person you are. :hugs:

[Julie Hall]

Again, I would like to thank everyone that commented. My trying to work out my grief has had a little setback, my finances are now in question as my company has been sold. I'm hoping this will be a temporary setback, I cancelled all therapy appointments, until I have some confidence that everything will settle back to a routine.

In the interim, one day at a time is now my mantra. I hope to put the gender questioning back into a box while I work out the grief. If it can wait it would be a blessing.

Julie

[Bree-asaurus]

Again, I would like to thank everyone that commented. My trying to work out my grief has had a little setback, my finances are now in question as my company has been sold. I'm hoping this will be a temporary setback, I cancelled all therapy appointments, until I have some confidence that everything will settle back to a routine.

In the interim, one day at a time is now my mantra. I hope to put the gender questioning back into a box while I work out the grief. If it can wait it would be a blessing.

Julie

One day at a time is a very good mantra. Sometimes we get so caught up in where things need to be that we forget to slow down and focus on what's important right NOW. Just take care of yourself and remember that things will be okay. Even if today sucks, tomorrow brings all sorts of new opportunities.

[Kate T]

You disagree that if the OP has asked the question then they probably are TG, yet go on to say that all TG should have asked the question. How does one follow from the other?

Maybe my misinterpretation. I interpreted Hopes (and your) statement to mean if you have to ask the question (Am I or am not (TS)?) then you most probably are TS. This is what I disagree with.

I personally differentiate TG from TS in that I feel that TG is a broader term inclusive of those with nonconventional gender but who are not TS.

[ReineD]

While I wait, I dress. Daily: under dress at work, dress at home and makeup. Nail polish: clear through the week, red or pink on the weekend ( I wear the color when I visit my mother). I have no one at home, so there's no problem with dressing frequency and my mother only wants me to be happy.

Julie, just answer this question for me: are you happy when you're at home dressing with makeup? And do you feel comfortable underdressing at work?

[Julie Hall]

Reine, to answer your question: mostly. Not a complete answer, I know but when I am dressing and putting on makeup I am happy - but then I need to remove the trappings and the depression comes back - sometimes worse. Even as I have finished putting everything on - the happiness begins to wane. As to underdressing at work, I am completely comfortable with it. I even wear a bra - I don't worry about being discovered since I always wear a heavy leather vest at work. I actually wear the vest whenever I am out of my apartment - I like leather. Leather vest, leather jacket and leather hat - but no leather pants, a person needs some standards.

There are times when I consider my new-found routine behavior and berate myself for such folly. I pride myself on my intellect - but that appears to have taken a back seat lately. There are times when that self loathing turns so far inward there doesn't appear any hope and the suicidal thoughts return. Lately though, I return to my new found mantra of - "one day at a time". Don't know how long that will last, you never know.

Julie

[ReineD]

Thanks, Julie. :)

I asked for a reason. The women in this section can correct me if I'm wrong, but I've read here many times that a transsexual knows it is time to move forward with transition when putting on the clothes/makeup does not provide any relief from the GID. Nothing else will do except taking active steps towards transition.

Maybe others can jump in and comment on this.

[Bree-asaurus]

Thanks, Julie. :)

I asked for a reason. The women in this section can correct me if I'm wrong, but I've read here many times that a transsexual knows it is time to move forward with transition when putting on the clothes/makeup does not provide any relief from the GID. Nothing else will do except taking active steps towards transition.

Maybe others can jump in and comment on this.

Yeah... that can be the case. Of course it's a little more complicated than that and varies from person to person... but one of the main differences between a crossdresser and a transexual is it's not about the cloths. Clothing and styles vary depending on the century and as society changes and evolves. I tried to convince myself for most of my life that I was just a crossdresser. But that, coupled with several other issues made me realize I had bigger fish to fry... and to open my [gosh darn] eyes (i sooo wish I could cuss here lol).