Asako
01-30-2012, 03:33 PM
So, here I sit. There are things I want to get done for the day. Things I need to get done for the day. Not all of it is chores. Some of it is fun stuff. Other things are things I want to work on and polish up. Yet, I lack the motivation to do anything but sit here.
What started this feeling? Roughly an hour ago, I was going through my desktop background images. I was trying to decide which one I wanted to change out my current image with. Eventually, I noticed that I was staring at various parts of the girls and women in the images as I was browsing through them. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was envying some of their looks and/or assets. Kind of funny in a way. Envying drawn characters.
A feeling similar to depression set in as I continued browsing. Yet, it's unlike depression. It's not a heavy feeling like that. Yet, like depression, it killed my motivation to basically do anything. What the hell is wrong with me now? I've never felt this feeling.
To clarify what I was envying, it wasn't their femininity or their gender, in a sense, I was envying. I did envy the fact that they have breasts. Even the images with "flat chests" held my envy simply because they have them. Other things that would catch my attention would be the way they were dressed and their hair style. What set this off, I think, is I noticed just how happy, energetic, and carefree some of the images were. Not to mention the beautiful surroundings around them.
I've started my journey. I'm slowly breaking free from everything holding me down. Yet, I don't feel happy most of the time about anything. Most of the time, I'm just counting down the days until I see my therapist again.
I've got so much going for me in this. Fairly accepting, if slightly ignorant, parents. A job. Slowly building up savings for important things. An actual working car. A small number of open-minded liberal friends. One of which is religious. A ROOF OVER MY HEAD! Hell, 6 years ago, I wasn't even sure if my parents and I would have that.
Again, I have so much going for me and so little holding me back in comparison to some of the others here. So why can't I be happy that I even have the opportunity to fix what nature screwed up? Talk about a screwed up way of possibly taking some things for granted...
Sorry for the angst-fest but putting it in my diary just wasn't enough to help me sort it out. Don't worry though. I'm not going to be sitting around the house feeling this way. My friends are dragging me out to go fishing. That usually lifts my spirits some.
What started this feeling? Roughly an hour ago, I was going through my desktop background images. I was trying to decide which one I wanted to change out my current image with. Eventually, I noticed that I was staring at various parts of the girls and women in the images as I was browsing through them. It didn't take long for me to realize that I was envying some of their looks and/or assets. Kind of funny in a way. Envying drawn characters.
A feeling similar to depression set in as I continued browsing. Yet, it's unlike depression. It's not a heavy feeling like that. Yet, like depression, it killed my motivation to basically do anything. What the hell is wrong with me now? I've never felt this feeling.
To clarify what I was envying, it wasn't their femininity or their gender, in a sense, I was envying. I did envy the fact that they have breasts. Even the images with "flat chests" held my envy simply because they have them. Other things that would catch my attention would be the way they were dressed and their hair style. What set this off, I think, is I noticed just how happy, energetic, and carefree some of the images were. Not to mention the beautiful surroundings around them.
I've started my journey. I'm slowly breaking free from everything holding me down. Yet, I don't feel happy most of the time about anything. Most of the time, I'm just counting down the days until I see my therapist again.
I've got so much going for me in this. Fairly accepting, if slightly ignorant, parents. A job. Slowly building up savings for important things. An actual working car. A small number of open-minded liberal friends. One of which is religious. A ROOF OVER MY HEAD! Hell, 6 years ago, I wasn't even sure if my parents and I would have that.
Again, I have so much going for me and so little holding me back in comparison to some of the others here. So why can't I be happy that I even have the opportunity to fix what nature screwed up? Talk about a screwed up way of possibly taking some things for granted...
Sorry for the angst-fest but putting it in my diary just wasn't enough to help me sort it out. Don't worry though. I'm not going to be sitting around the house feeling this way. My friends are dragging me out to go fishing. That usually lifts my spirits some.