Son is transsexual or a crossdresser?

[blondie19]

My son has always been a little different than the average boy since birth. But he does some gender binding things. Also I saw in his closet he had mini skirts and a little black dress. Regularly, he doesn't dress as a guy usually does either. He'll wear make up matching his outfit and nail and sometimes hair he's pretty styled about his hair it's dyed always gaudy bright colors like pink and blue or purple or blood red or pink and platnum blond and it's about shoulder legnth. He styles his own hair which is very unique the styles he does usually. He wears either jeans capris short shorts and a glitterylike shirt or girl blouses or even tube tops. He even wears girl jewelry. His room is pretty much decorated like a teenage girl I'd expect. He even wears heels. He also has always been into ballet and writing. He has all girl friends. I have always accepted whatever he ends up. He was diagnosed with pais and as a young child a lot of the time he just himself seemed more like a girl. I used to have issues that I ended up taking it out on my step son I guess at first when he was born with pais I was jealous. I felt like I didn't know if I'd ever have a son or daughter. I have learned to be content that either way he's my child despite what gender he is. But I never really felt like I had a son but I thought he'd grow into it. He dates girls all the time and still does want to be reffered to as a guy. But at this point it seems many who don't know him will reffer to him as a girl and he doesn't correct it. He's dated girls and I thought at first that maybe that meant something but it doesn't seem to he just has continued to take the female role yet never corrects either way it seems. He's 16. He's been doing this 4 years.I thought maybe it had to do with abuse or something but he's continued even now. I don't know what does it mean? Also we talked about it he doesn't like talking about it. He's always repeated he's no different from anyone else.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Maybe your son isnt really sure about his true identity yet - 16 is still very young and he may be just finding himself - you sound like a really supportive mum and as long as you love him whatever he decides his gender is, thats the most important thing -

[Tammy V]

You need to get him to agree to go to a qualified therapist with experience in gender issues.

[Regan]

As others have said, there is a lot of help out there to help steer him in the direction he wants to go. The greatest part is that he has a very supportive parent, I wonder where I would have been today if I had a parent that I could actually talk to and depend on to be on my side.

[LeannL]

Blondie,

Your son is probably too old to be expected to grow out of this phase. One thing that you should be aware of, is that sexual orientation and gender identification are totally separate. So your son's interest in girls has nothing to do with the gender he considers himself.

The fact that he does not correct anyone if they call him using male or female pronouns may simply indicate that he chooses to be ambiguous. Some people are so totally in the middle of the male/female continuum, they just don't care what they are called.

Others have suggested seeing a therapist with gender identity experience. I would echo this suggestion and emphasize that finding one with the experience is extremely important. I have run into ones that don't have the experience and they were more dangerous than none at all. I would also emphasize that your son would benefit from seeing one, not because he is sick, but because he might benefit from working though his process of self identifying. Maybe he is already there and doesn't need any help but maybe just the confirmation obtained by conversing with a therapist will be a assurance that both you and he need. You might also find it useful to see a therapist if you are having issues.

good luck,

Leann

[Bree-asaurus]

He (or she) is trying to figure out who he is, or knows who he/she is and is slowly getting tired of and rejecting the male role he is "supposed" to have. Just be open to talking to him and not being judgmental. Make sure he isn't depressed and make sure he knows that he is not alone. If he's confused about things a good gender therapist could help.

[DanaR]

It sounds like you are okay with whatever he decides to do; which is great. By joining this group, you have access to a lot of good information. But to determine where he is, that is up to him. He might be fine with what he is. Have you ever tried talking to him?

[arbon]

Unless he is distressed and all this is causing him problems I don't really see the need for therapy.... if he is happy as he is why not leave him be. There are a lot of people out there that can identify either way, that can comfortably live in both worlds like androgynous or genderqueer or two spirit, or what ever term is in these days.

[Barbara Ella]

Hello Blondie, and thank you for the concern over your son. i am here as a cross dresser, and cannot address if he is one or the other. At this stage i do not know if it is important to differentiate. If your son is happy and not depressed or causing trouble, making therapy relevant to him might be difficult. If he has expressed concerns to you, then therapy can be used based on those concerns, but not as a means to fix what is wrong. Nothing is wrong. It is good for you to be concerned about behavior that is out of what society expects, but not to pass judgement. Society does not always have the it right, and their lack of tolerance for the many people in our situation is an example of getting it wrong. there are things that we are internally programmed to do, and outside of that we are no different from anyone else. It is the internal programming that is just something we cannot stop doing, and unless outside influences make us feel quilty, it is normal. If he is ignoring outside influences, more power to him.

Just love him unconditionally, and talk, even when he does not want to talk, just talk with no judgement, and no agenda to correct his actions, no agenda to understand them, just talk because you are his mom and love him.

Babes

[taís]

I don't know where you live, but here in Brazil, he in fact wouldn't be much different from many young emo kids. it seems that he has family support to act how he feels like, and that he identifies with a group. at the age of 16, it doesn't seem a bad scenario at all. and he even told you he wants to be adressed as a guy. so maybe it's all ok, and you "don't have to worry" (as if it was possible, I know) if your son is transexual, crossdresser or any other label. he's just being him and it's making his path.

(and I say this to add in with the others posts — offer one possible perspective. talk talk talk to your son, make sure he can always count on you, and like said, if he shows he needs some help with his gender, don't hesitate on searching for a therapist.)

on the other hand, with all respect, maybe you should consider seeing a therapist? :o) might be helpful for you to accept (or accept better) the fact that you have a child with pais and its implications. you said, "I felt like I didn't know if I'd ever have a son or daughter. I have learned to be content that either way he's my child despite what gender he is. But I never really felt like I had a son but I thought he'd grow into it." to me it sounds like you still need to find a category to be able to understand him, and that may be a very difficult — if not impossible — task.

[Hope]

Just love your son.

He probably doesn't know what this is about any more than you do. So if you pressure him about it, it will likely just add to his stress level and he may lash out in response. Neither of you wants that. Give him the space he needs to figure this out, and offer to take him to see a therapist if he WANTS to go, and wants the help. When he understands this better - he will likely tell you about it, especially if you have done the work to make him feel safe and welcome to tell you about stuff like this.

Just love your son. That is all you have to do. That means telling him that you love him. That means supporting him, and making sure (because you have told him, on several occasions) that if he wants to see a therapist, or another doctor, or just wants to try to figure this out on his own, that you will support him and love him and help him in whatever way you can to help him become the person he really is.

But at the end of the day, just love your son. Especially when she comes to you and tells you that she is really your daughter.

[Jennifer8]

Just let him be him or her or both he sounds happy . people keep sayin theripst? WHY? dont make'm goto one like sayin ur crazy or weird n need help that is just so bad screw that. IDK tell him IF HE WANTS TO GO talk to a shrink youll -think- its ok but deff dont make him go - he will prob hate it n you
I would if i got told that He sounds fun :)

[Rianna Humble]

Just let him be him or her or both he sounds happy . people keep sayin theripst? WHY? dont make'm goto one like sayin ur crazy or weird n need help that is just so bad screw that.

I'm sorry Willow, I cannot agree with your idea of what a qualified gender therapist is for.

They are not "a shrink" for someone who is "crazy". A qualified Gender Therapist will allow Blondie's son/daughter to ask him/herself the right questions to determine what is best for him/her. One with experience can also help to smooth out the bumps in the road to wherever Blondie's son/daughter decides he/she is going.

It sound from your post as if you have had a negative experience with a "shrink" and I am sorry if that is the case, but please do not tar all experienced Gender Therapists with the brush of your negative experience.

[Jennifer8]

I'm sorry Willow, I cannot agree with your idea of what a qualified gender therapist is for.

It sound from your post as if you have had a negative experience with a "shrink" and I am sorry if that is the case, but please do not tar all experienced Gender Therapists with the brush of your negative experience.

Hi Rianna
Nope :) never seen one lol Im just sayin that is how it would sound to me if i was told i should or have to see one.
ok so there not a shrink or for crazy people but its like tellin him what hes doing is somehow wrong right?
I also say later on that if he wants to go to one let him n tell him its ok - just dont force him too

[Kristy_K]

Hi Rianna
Nope :) never seen one lol Im just sayin that is how it would sound to me if i was told i should or have to see one.
ok so there not a shrink or for crazy people but its like tellin him what hes doing is somehow wrong right?
I also say later on that if he wants to go to one let him n tell him its ok - just dont force him too

I will have to agree with you Willow. Like I told my therapist I don't need therapy. But I am force to see two therapists right now and it is only for them darn letters I need to get a SRS.

Kristy

[Silentpartner GG SO]

in reality, I'm sure there are people out there that are not really male or female but a bit of both - it happens in the animal world, it must happen to humans - unfortunately humans are too keen to put everything into a labelled box and anyone or anything that doesnt fit a specific category is wrong. If your son/daughter is happy in his/her own skin then thats great. Could be a whole lot worse like a druggy, or a thug that goes around beating up old ladies -

[LeannL]

Hi Rianna
Nope :) never seen one lol Im just sayin that is how it would sound to me if i was told i should or have to see one.
ok so there not a shrink or for crazy people but its like tellin him what hes doing is somehow wrong right?
I also say later on that if he wants to go to one let him n tell him its ok - just dont force him too

Willow, as several of us have pointed out, going to a therapist doesn't indicate that one is crazy but in this case a therapist is there to let someone understand themselves, that they aren't crazy, dangerous, or whatever the mean-spirited portion of society may say and to help the person explore their feelings. A therapist can also let someone know that they are not alone. I know that when I was younger simply seeing someone who understood the TG spectrum, who knew what others had been through and what my options were would have gotten me to a more comfortable place at a much younger age that I actually did. I agree that one can't force someone to see a therapist but given the right discussion, her son is much more likely to see the value.

Leann

[Jennifer8]

I agree that one can't force someone to see a therapist but given the right discussion, her son is much more likely to see the value.

Leann

Hi
All I was saying was I hope his folks let him decide if he wants to go or not. just tell'em ya if you want to cool if not cool to but if they even bring it up he gonna think mmmm crap mom n dad think i need help cause im diff great!

I have been diff for a while now and if I get the you should see someone talk id be freaked out about it!

[kimdl93]

Id agree that he could benefit from some conversations with a gender therapist. From what you've described, he clearly has a strong feminie side...and despite that, its entirely possible that he is heterosexual in orientation.

Teens don't want to be "different" even when he's obviously different. But from what you describe, he doesn't seem isolated or persecuted for his uniqueness. And it sounds as though you're supporting him and allowing him to be himself. That, ultimately is what he needs from you - unconditional love, support and encouragement.

[Jorja]

I agree that a gender therapist is needed here to help him. I also agree with what Willow is trying to say. Do not force him to see a therapist at this time. He is young and may be going through his own search for his sexual identity. Kindly and gently let him know a gender thearpist can help him if he feels it is necessary.

[DanaR]

Just a thought, but what if he is happy the way he is, just being himself. He might not be interested in finding out anything, unless he has issues. If that is the case then seeing a gender therapist might be a good idea.

[Nicole Erin]

It means he wants to be a woman. Yes, I am afraid so. Soon he will want to wear a wedding dress, drive a girly car like say a later model chevy cavalier, and his favorite music will be Lady Gaga.

If he starts screaming real high pitched because of Justin Beiber, then it is highly likely he is homosexual instead of transsexual. See this video for a demo to see what I am talking about - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyBJE3j4aTU

Thing is, if he starts referring to women in the context of "fish", he is not TS but IS gay.

[Sammy777]

It means he wants to be a woman. Yes, I am afraid so. Soon he will want to wear a wedding dress, drive a girly car like say a later model chevy cavalier, and his favorite music will be Lady Gaga.

Once again we see you muddying the waters with your sweeping [more often then not also wrong] sweeping generalizations of what you think it is to be Transexual.

Personally I can't stand Lady Gaga and think the Chevy Cavalier is a P.O.S. (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=P.O.S.) :lol2:

[Sammy777]

Hi Blondie
For sake of easing confusion I will stick with Son, Him, He and Male for now.
There are a few complex issues that need to be addressed here.

1) His sexuality -

He dates girls all the time and still does want to be referred to as a guy.
He's dated girls and I thought at first that maybe that meant something but it doesn't seem to Who he dates [is attracted to] has nothing to do with who or what he is as a person.

Just as there are "regular" straight, gay and lesbian people
There are straight, gay and lesbian cross dressers and transsexuals as well.
Him wanting to be referred to as a guy has nothing to do with who's he attracted to.


His choice of friends, likes and hobbies -

He also has always been into ballet and writing.
He has all girl friends. By themselves do not necessarily point to anything out of the ordinary.
Girls are usually more open and accepting then boys are to people like your son.
Again, who he befriends is not an indication of something bigger.
This could just be a personal preference of his.


How he chooses to dress and express himself -

regularly, he doesn't dress as a guy usually does either.
He'll wear make up matching his outfit and nail and sometimes hair
his hair it's dyed always gaudy bright colors and it's about shoulder length.

He wears either jeans, capris, short shorts, a glitterylike shirt, girl blouses,
tube top, wears heels. He even wears girl jewelry.
Also I saw in his closet he had mini skirts and a little black dress.

His room is pretty much decorated like a teenage girl I'd expect.

It is difficult to conclude anything based solely on how he presents himself.
He could continue to identify as a male and be a cross dresser.
He could also be a [as yet to identify as] MTF Transsexual.


His conflicting characteristics with his "gender identity" -

and still does want to be referred to as a guy.
many will refer to him as a girl and he doesn't correct it.
he just has continued to take the female role yet never corrects either way it seems.
He's 16. He's been doing this 4 years.
Him wanting to still be referred to as Male could simply be a defense mechanism.

His unwillingness to "correct" people as to his gender says a lot more about him though.
This "passive resistance" demonstrates an underlying acceptance of being seen as Female without the negative consequences associated with actively doing it himself.

Even being open and comfortable being seen or treated as Female he may still be struggling with these issues and not ready to accept the implications of what he truly is.

Denial can be a very powerful obstacle to over come.

Judging by his persistent [4years now] and continued desires it is my opinion that your son is definitely leaning more towards being a Transsexual then a Cross dresser.

Currently, the only missing "component" or last piece of the puzzle that has not been mentioned is some level of being displeased with his current [Male] body.

If you would like to discuss this in a more private setting you can find me on
Yahoo Messenger under the name " Tempus10018 "

[Kelsy]

Hi Blondie,

There is little I can add to this. Love and acceptance are the two biggest things you can give and I can tell that is what you do!
Your being here proves you love and care for your son very much! There are two things that you might want to think about. You must make it clear that the only behaviour that is unacceptable is overtly risky and self destructive behaviour. Secondly understanding that he is exploring his identity, if he comes to the realization that he needs to persue transition one of the most important roles you can play is defender. My experience tells me that the best support I get is by the people in my life that have accepted me and then defend me and my right to be who I am and live my life as I see fit. My hope is that you both grow and your (son or daughter) finds what (he or she) is looking for.

Kelsy

[Jonianne]

......My experience tells me that the best support I get is by the people in my life that have accepted me and then defend me and my right to be who I am and live my life as I see fit.....

:iagree:

For someone to know and feel they are loved and accepted unconditionally, will set the stage for success in their lives, no matter which path they take.

[blondie19]

Hi Blondie
For sake of easing confusion I will stick with Son, Him, He and Male for now.
There are a few complex issues that need to be addressed here.

1) His sexuality -
Who he dates [is attracted to] has nothing to do with who or what he is as a person.

Just as there are "regular" straight, gay and lesbian people
There are straight, gay and lesbian cross dressers and transsexuals as well.
Him wanting to be referred to as a guy has nothing to do with who's he attracted to.


His choice of friends, likes and hobbies -
By themselves do not necessarily point to anything out of the ordinary.
Girls are usually more open and accepting then boys are to people like your son.
Again, who he befriends is not an indication of something bigger.
This could just be a personal preference of his.


How he chooses to dress and express himself -


It is difficult to conclude anything based solely on how he presents himself.
He could continue to identify as a male and be a cross dresser.
He could also be a [as yet to identify as] MTF Transsexual.


His conflicting characteristics with his "gender identity" -

Him wanting to still be referred to as Male could simply be a defense mechanism.

His unwillingness to "correct" people as to his gender says a lot more about him though.
This "passive resistance" demonstrates an underlying acceptance of being seen as Female without the negative consequences associated with actively doing it himself.

Even being open and comfortable being seen or treated as Female he may still be struggling with these issues and not ready to accept the implications of what he truly is.

Denial can be a very powerful obstacle to over come.

Judging by his persistent [4years now] and continued desires it is my opinion that your son is definitely leaning more towards being a Transsexual then a Cross dresser.

Currently, the only missing "component" or last piece of the puzzle that has not been mentioned is some level of being displeased with his current [Male] body.

If you would like to discuss this in a more private setting you can find me on
Yahoo Messenger under the name " Tempus10018 "

he said he doesn't believe in gender for himself especially with having pais his physical body could go either way so maybe that's why he says I could think of it as agender now never looked that up...

[Kate T]

I've been a little reluctant to wade into this thread as I am not TS.

Also I agree that it is likely your child will need professional help both medical and psychological.

However I am not sure that the situation of Blondies child has been completely understood. Correct me if I am wrong Blondie but I am assuming that when you talk about PAIS you are talking about Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (one of a number of intersex syndromes).

Now please, don't take me the wrong way ladies but the development of Blondies child is likely to be significantly different from that of a "standard" TS. I am talking here more in terms of physical and hormonal development. Given that that is the case then I wonder if Blondies child may identify more with those who are IS (Maybe some IS members can correct me if I am wrong).

Blondie. Unfortunately the way I understand PAIS your child was never going to develop as a "boy" in the sense that we define that term in society. If you read these forums you will find much discussion on the inadequacy of gender binaries in our society. Your child is also in the unusual situation where the medically defined binaries of male and female sex (using the term sex to specifically refer to anatomy and physiology) are also sorely inadequate. You and your child may find that others with IS conditions may be able to help you as well. Try searching for Intersex or Orchids (a term often used within the IS community to refer to themselves, obviously searching for the flower orchids whilst might be interesting and have some nice pictures is not likely to help you with the questions you have come here with).

[blondie19]

I've been a little reluctant to wade into this thread as I am not TS.

Also I agree that it is likely your child will need professional help both medical and psychological.

However I am not sure that the situation of Blondies child has been completely understood. Correct me if I am wrong Blondie but I am assuming that when you talk about PAIS you are talking about Partial Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome (one of a number of intersex syndromes).

Now please, don't take me the wrong way ladies but the development of Blondies child is likely to be significantly different from that of a "standard" TS. I am talking here more in terms of physical and hormonal development. Given that that is the case then I wonder if Blondies child may identify more with those who are IS (Maybe some IS members can correct me if I am wrong).

Blondie. Unfortunately the way I understand PAIS your child was never going to develop as a "boy" in the sense that we define that term in society. If you read these forums you will find much discussion on the inadequacy of gender binaries in our society. Your child is also in the unusual situation where the medically defined binaries of male and female sex (using the term sex to specifically refer to anatomy and physiology) are also sorely inadequate. You and your child may find that others with IS conditions may be able to help you as well. Try searching for Intersex or Orchids (a term often used within the IS community to refer to themselves, obviously searching for the flower orchids whilst might be interesting and have some nice pictures is not likely to help you with the questions you have come here with).

no he has grade 2 so he's normal in the physical sense of the male gender... I did look up some intersting stuff

[Rianna Humble]

Id agree that he could benefit from some conversations with a gender therapist. From what you've described, he clearly has a strong feminie side...and despite that, its entirely possible that he is heterosexual in orientation.

Please don't conflate gender with sexual orientation. What gender Blondie's child is has nothing to do with whether the child is heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

[Krististeph]

Hi Blondie- you have some fairly descriptive monologue there. First- foremost- make sure you understand whatever gender your son, and you, choose to be- is okay- there is no 'bad'. it's hard to fit in or find one's way in the world, especially when gender dysphoria is so misunderstood. Simply put- this forum is a safe place to talk with lots of really good people- but you need to be yourself. You won't find trust for yourself and your son unless you trust these good people here- perhaps you could clarify some of the things you are 'asking'? Sounds like you've already made up your mind and are looking for validation. You son is different- he is his own person- and has every right to be. He is different from everyone else- just like we all are. sounds like someone who has some issues pretty well in hand actually. What do you think?

-kristi

[Julia_in_Pa]

It sounds like your child is doing what he/she needs to do in order to express what he/she is feeling.
Just tell your child that you support him/her 100 percent and let it be for now.



Julia

[Sally24]

I see that PAIS is an intersex condition. There is more than just gender identity going on here. He/she also has some physical things to deal with. The teenage years are tough for anyone, more so for intersex/transgender kids. Since there are medical considerations, depending on what level PAIS exists, I would definitely get some help. Be it just counseling or a combination of medical discussions and counseling he should have some professional help at least available. Good luck.