The World Is Flat

[LeaP]

I've been going through the oddest emotional changes since starting therapy. That's taken on different aspects, from:

Experiencing a lessening of depression and perceiving it as a signal that another repression cycle was starting - including thoughts of so-called normalcy and back to the closet ...

Second, that the experience of dysphoria is distinct from the emotions that result from it. This has also been an increase in dysphoria.

Next, there was change in the importance and impact of dressing. I posted about that recently, along with the conclusion that clothes matter, they don't matter, they do matter ... And that they too are irrelevant to dysphoria per se.

More recently, I've entertained some darker thoughts that strangely lack an emotional component. No noticable despair, just thoughts on occasion that certain alternatives are obvious and perhaps preferable. Maybe even humane. Times of very flat emotionality. Not down at all, not up at all. Flat.

Kaitlyn posted in my clothing thread "Matter of Matters" about the need to get out of my head, a comment that, well, has stayed in my thoughts ever since. LOL! To that end, I recently came out to someone safe. Amazing relief in that. And I've started thinking about how to turn outward.

On the flip side, despite the dark thoughts, I'm also feeling a normalcy about my identity. Admittedly, this flip-flops a lot, but I'm surprised sometimes at how good I can feel about it.

All of this has been happening very rapidly and feels very unstable. My questions are how much of this have any of you experienced and how long did things continue to shift or continue to be unstable? (Assuming you felt it in this way.)

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'

On the flip side, despite the dark thoughts, I'm also feeling a normalcy about my identity. Admittedly, this flip-flops a lot, but I'm surprised sometimes at how good I can feel about it.


Lea

I pulled out the punch line first... In my opinion, this is it..... the "CURE" to dysphoria is that feeling...

Your description was very vivid...it does not surprise me... the more you move forward the more you will realize who you are...
believe it or not, It's hard today to recall how i felt.. It's incomprehensible to me that i felt "that way"...but at the time i described very existentially ..like you i was interested in my feeling analytically..and i had to learn to stop doing that..for my entire pre transition i howled at the moon in confusion, trying to make sense of it....it doesn't make sense.."how can this be????!!!!!!"

not one day went by where i felt the same way about all this.. it was disturbing...and all the while i'm raising my kids, working my job...but more and more, i felt like a cypher...a nothing..
but over time it was like a funnel and things became inevitable..and that COMFORTED me...and i learned to just let it come to me...

Like you, i also felt that depression and anxiety were symptoms and not at root of anything...perhaps i'd have some of that ts or not.... The identity problem felt like a survival instinct to me...i did not ever consider suicide, but i felt dead..there was nothing to exist for...when people smiled at me , when my kids hugged me, i wanted to scream...look at me!!!! don't you see who i am!!!!!

but there were some moments where i shared my story that were touchstones to make me realize who i was...one in particular was a 4 day TG fest at IFGE where i "lived' as Kaitlyn...the feelings i had that weekend and the feeling i had when it all ended were very powerful in my mind...especially meeting other transsexuals..perhaps you should find a way to bond with someone...new england has lots of support

btw...thinking of other threads about flame wars.. at IFGE i said to one transsexual that i was wondering what it's like to "go all the way"..she bit my head off and spit it out on the floor...OMG!!!!!! she practically beat me up she was so mad...heh

just based on this post, it seems you making steady progress...it will take time but hopefully you will get there

[LeaP]

I forgot to mention the other reason for bringing up the internal dialog thing - my therapist said the same thing to me!

Reaction? Complete chagrin. "Damn, those girls really do know what they're talking about." LOL

Lea

[kimdl93]

Lea, back when I was in therapy for severe depression, I also had a bad habit of ruminating over my life situation, problems and fears. An effect strategy that really helped me break out of the habit of living in my head were to literrally say "STOP" either silently, or if need be aloud, when I allowed myself to stray into negative thoughts. Another was to limit the amount of time I spent alone with my thoughts. This meant literally forcing myself to be among people, to do things, even when I didn't feel physically or emotionally able to do so. that last strategy was a cognitive therapy technique aimed at conditioning behavior....based on the principle that "its easier to act your way into new ways of thinking than it is to think your way into new ways of acting". Both work, but they take continuous effort.

[abigailf]

Sounds pretty much like what I am going through - now 6 months into HRT.

I started my process of coming out this year. I hope to be out to everyone close to me before the summer and most everyone else (including work) by the end of the year. To date, coming out is the second most difficult thing about being transsexual - the first being what I was before starting to transition (a blithering idiot having a nervous breakdown). This is not to say it wont get harder after I come out, I'm just saying so far it is the hardest.

[LeaP]

... the principle that "its easier to act your way into new ways of thinking than it is to think your way into new ways of acting"

I have to say that I literally could not understand the idea of getting out of my thoughts, and it's taken me a week or so to absorb it. It sounded nonsensical. I mean, I'd think how could I NOT struggle for understanding? Isn't that the point?. Maybe yes, maybe no, but the means for getting there may not be what I've lived by to-date.


Sounds pretty much like what I am going through - now 6 months into HRT.B

I started my process of coming out this year. I hope to be out to everyone close to me before the summer and most everyone else (including work) by the end of the year. To date, coming out is the second most difficult thing about being transsexual - the first being what I was before starting to transition (a blithering idiot having a nervous breakdown). This is not to say it wont get harder after I come out, I'm just saying so far it is the hardest.

I don't understand. Was the difficult thing prior to transition start being what you were, or coming to terms with it and making decisions?


I pulled out the punch line first... In my opinion, this is it..... the "CURE" to dysphoria is that feeling

Here's where I get so F'in confused. At TIMES the dysphoria almost disappears - hence my comments about feelings of normalcy. Therapy isn't a magic wand - nothing material has changed at all. So how do I account for this, literally coming from meltdown and crisis weeks before? Is it direction (meaning starting in one)? Am I crazy? How do you take going from basket dysphoria case one day to "normal" the next where you think "never mind", except that oh, by the way, you're driving to FL in a dress in a week and hmmm - what's the fatal dose for Oxycodone? I'm tearing up.

Lea

[ReineD]

More recently, I've entertained some darker thoughts that strangely lack an emotional component. No noticable despair, just thoughts on occasion that certain alternatives are obvious and perhaps preferable. Maybe even humane. Times of very flat emotionality. Not down at all, not up at all. Flat.

Lea, I have a friend who had a suicide attempt in early adulthood. He described feelings of flatness leading up to this, and not of despair.

Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist to see if you might be a candidate for anti-depressants?

[LeaP]

Lea, I have a friend who had a suicide attempt in early adulthood. He described feelings of flatness leading up to this, and not of despair.

Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist to see if you might be a candidate for anti-depressants?

My therapist brought it up in the last session. I rejected the idea then because of what I saw these meds do to my mother. I don't know, given what's going on I may have to reconsider. I don't know if they would help or cloud things further. I'm reluctant to introduce another variable.

Lea

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lea,


I've experienced quite a bit of what your speaking about concerning emotional upheaval.
Mentally you seem to be in a large state of flux.
Are you on any anti depressants?
If your not anti depressants would work very well I would think in this situation.
Have you discussed this option with your doctor or therapist?


Addendum; I just read your reply to Reine. I understand your concern about certain medications I dont take Abilify that I was told to take due to my perception that it removes my personality from my everday world.
Perhaps just a low dosage of an SSRI would assist you without it altering the person you are Lea.

Julia

[Aprilrain]

I started taking Welbutrin a little over a month ago. I was reluctant to take antidepressants as well for a variety of reasons but I finally got desperate enough to try them. I can remember those flat days, those are the worst! I'd rather be sobbing the day away in bed then walking around like a zombi. My experience thus far with the medication I'm taking is that there was a week of side effects which were actually kinda fun, I had a ton of energy I felt like I was on speed! Now i just feel normal. After reading about how antidepressants work I'm much more in favor of being on one. Anyway as an ex opiate addict I can tell you that narcotics, especially orally administered ones are not a good way to kill yourself, you're likely to wake up in a hospital!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea what I was saying to you is in the end, your true nature will win....you can't fight mother nature...heh...Dysphoria IMHO, comes from NOT expressing your true nature...

So from a practical standpoint, I am suggesting that if you are truly a woman, you will cope with your male life,bthe dysphoria will come and go, based on various factors..but over time, coping will no longer work, th dysphoria will overwhelm you and the cliched bell is rung....

If you are not a woman, you will suffer dysphoria in a similar way, it will come and go, based on your ability to express your gender...cd, gender queer, fluid...whatever it may be....

If you do not need to transition, don't. The answer is currently not apparent to you..doing stuff about it will likely help you more than thinking about it...

[LeaP]

Before anyone gets the idea that I'm actually likely to kill myself in the next week or three, it's unlikely. I've been close three times in my life. All involved a level of self urging that I can only compare to internal screaming. Two of them started down the path. I don't have that going on even though I did look up O. dosages and respiratory depression effects. (And you're correct, April) I think it's more escapist, though feeling nothing about it is chilling.

The real problem is the absolute insanity of the emotional volatility.

Lea

[kimdl93]

I have to say that I literally could not understand the idea of getting out of my thoughts, and it's taken me a week or so to absorb it. It sounded nonsensical. I mean, I'd think how could I NOT struggle for understanding? Isn't that the point?. Maybe yes, maybe no, but the means for getting there may not be what I've lived by to-date.

Lea

Trying for understanding is one thing. Constantlybeing absorbed and consumed by rehashing obsessively can be depressing in itself. Getting out and being among people will, if nothing else distract youfrom the darkness. But islf you keep at it, you maybe able to, in a sense, reprogrammed your habitual thoughts.

That being said if, its not a panacea...and part of a larger strategy to address depression.

[JessicaM1985]

I understand your feelings well sweetie and I have been on prozac for about 3-4 years now after a violent manic episode at a county mental health office when trying to get help with that SAME exact emotional flatness. I can tell you that I'm a much better person for having gotten over my fears of meds (I have a LOT of alcoholics and addicts in my family and was terrified of becoming one) and because of that, I don't ride the emotional roller coaster to the degree that I once did. I ended up with a diagnosis of chronic depression, and severe severe post traumatic stress disorder. I attempted suicide two months after that episode by trying to hang myself in the closet. (seems that the closet was so inescapable for me, that I was going to die in the same place I lived for so long) Thankfully I was found by my exMfiancee who pushed my head out of the noose and called 911.

I've learned since then that the emotional flatness you described is ALWAYS a red flag before something serious happens. I urge you to reconsider what your therapist is recommending before it gets worse. If you are anything like me, then, it most definitely will.

[Kelsy]

I tend to skirt the subject of suicide when I talk with my therapist even as those thoughts have increased in my thinking with the same kind of non emotional almost "rational reasoning. I tell myself that it is not an option but the thoughts still come. When I first met my therapist as part of her presentation of things like iformation sharing etc she informed me that she would have to report on increased suicide tendencies. Getting out and trying not to isolate helps

[LeaP]

Ladies, I'm getting a very consistent message here and I do hear it. I want to tell you how much I appreciate your concern also.

Lea

[abigailf]

Sounds pretty much like what I am going through - now 6 months into HRT.

I started my process of coming out this year. I hope to be out to everyone close to me before the summer and most everyone else (including work) by the end of the year. To date, coming out is the second most difficult thing about being transsexual - the first being what I was before starting to transition (a blithering idiot having a nervous breakdown). This is not to say it wont get harder after I come out, I'm just saying so far it is the hardest.






I don't understand. Was the difficult thing prior to transition start being what you were, or coming to terms with it and making decisions?




What I was before coming to terms and making decisions was the most difficult for me. I was in so much emotional pain I was practically worthless to myself and those around me.

[KellyJameson]

Hi Lea.

I wanted to share some thoughts but as usual they are way way out of left field.

For me I'm a truth seeker and need proof about everything but yet paradoxically I'm very spiritual which as an abstract experience must be a leap of faith because I cannot prove to myself that God exisits ( my idea of God ) yet I'm completely sure in my mind that there is a universal consciousness

This took years to reach and the study of various disciplines and religions and in the end I rejected what others believed to be true and found my own idea of truth that does not have any contradictions that I have yet been able to discern, I had to change and evolve to grow into God partly by throwing away what I had been exposed to by others yet take from others what I found to be true in my opinion, it was a building process, a dance between me and everyone else now and before. What I discovered has always been there but I could not see the truth because I needed time and life experience.

The realization that my mind has tricked me and that below my conscious awareness my mind identified as female has elements that are shared with the development of my spirituality, I wanted proof of an abstract concept that I could not touch but I had to grow into this by understanding the deeper meanings behind a lifetime of behavior just as for me the evidence of God is in the design but to understand this I had to learn about this design. Learning about myself (the design) brought me to the discovery and with this understanding all the pieces fell into position and I can see the perfect pattern of my life that was before a complete mystery but yet it is still a leap of faith.

Just as my spirituality "feels" true to me even though I cannot prove it so does my belief that my subconscious mind has always identified as female and now my conscious mind recognizes this and I'm accepting the deeper wisdom of my subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is the real mind that we our born with and largely operates for the first few years of life and the conscious mind is created as we aquire language and move into the world. The conscious mind is to a great extent taught to us and created by others but the subconscious mind was always ours because it existed before others could influence it. First there is only "I" and than we become I/Others.

These two minds are becoming integrated into one holistic expression.

Anyway I hope you find value in my mad ramblings, what is going on in me makes perfect sense but it is very difficult to formulate into words.

Here is a link you may find useful..http://www.transgendersoul.com/page27/page31/page9/Transphobia.html

[LeaP]

Here is a link you may find useful..http://www.transgendersoul.com/page27/page31/page9/Transphobia.html

I did, Kelly - thanks for the reference.

Lea