GG struggling and feeling very alone

[knitknerd]

This post doesn't belong here. I need to be on the loved ones board now and I can't get there yet. I am really having a hard time. I don't have friends or extended family to turn to, we can't find a support group for couples here, I am grappling with three chronic health problems that even the doctors can't help with, we are trying to raise two kids, and my husband wants to dress like a woman. I am overwhelmed. I need to interact with someone who also knows the pain, loneliness, grief, and sense of loss that I’m feeling right now. There is so much out there for the cross dresser. I can't find anything for me and I'm tired of not finding what I need. This is not a topic that you go to just anyone with. I need someone who “gets it” to validate that it sucks, is confusing, and that I’m not as alone as I feel every God forsaken day. I love my husband and am determined to find a way to make it work. But I can’t do it without at least a little light in the dark. It is going on three years that I’ve known and it isn’t getting easier because I feel like I’m just wandering through the wilderness.

[Marleena]

One more post.. just reply to me and you can join the F.A.B. group.:) I'm sure the ladies can help you.

[Rachel Schaedel]

The fact that you are here and looking for help is a step in the right direction. It shows that your have enough of an open mind to educate yourself instead of making regrettable decisions. My wife felt the same way at first and although she is still hesitant about seeing me as "her" she still accepts it as a part of who I am as the person she married.

Keep your chin up. There is plenty of resources available here for you.

Take care,

Rachel

[Shananigans]

It sounds like you feel completely alone in this situation. Though no one on this site has been through the EXACT same situation as you, or dealt with thing in the exact same way...there are plenty of people here who would love to help you. You said that you feel can't find anything for yourself and you are not finding what you need. What is it that you need?

[knitknerd]

Tried to post on the loved ones forum without success earlier. This is now my tenth post. Thank you to those who responded to this thread so quickly.

[Violetgray]

Given your current level of distress, I'm glass that you found this site. Take comfort in the fact that there are women who have been in the same position you are, and they survived, and so did their marriages.

So at the very least, know that it CAN get better. Now, in the words of a famous starship captain, "Make it so."

[Amanda22]

I'm a cross dresser and not a GG who can know what you feel like. But if you need anything from me, just PM me anytime and I'll respond honestly and gently.

[DanaR]

One of the things that I see in situations like this, is that there has to be understanding from both sides and a compromise. Otherwise there will be nothing accomplished. If the CD is full speed ahead and the wife is hanging on for her life, it is one sided. If the CD is forced into the closet, because the wife doesn't want to see/hear or anything else about it, that is one sided as well. Many times there are other things going on in the relationship that need to be addressed, that is where some counseling would help.

[Joanne f]

In your situation i can well understand why you feel so alone at the moment , you have the heath problems to cope with while trying to bring up your children and on top of that you have a husband that likes to wear women's clothes and you would really like to understand why he does this , well there are many reasons for this and it is quite usual for the CDer to not even know why but a lot will say that it helps them to relieve stress which may seam a bit unfair as his relieving of stress is causing you stress .
It seams like you are trying to sort things out but so far have not found anyone to help you but i am sure you will get a lot of help and support from the GGs in the FAB forum who can understand you side of things and the CDs are always willing to answer any question you might have from that side of things but if possible talk as much as you can with your husband about how you feel .

[giuseppina]

Like Amanda, I am a crossdresser. Having said that, crossdressers go through some of the same thought processes you are going through right now. I'm guessing that you were recently informed of your husband's activities or discovered them yourself.

As VioletGray said, crossdressing need not be a dealbreaker. Some couples use it to build trust. It's all in the way you and your husband handle it.

There are a few things you can do:

Try not to let your imagination run wild with stereotypes. Most if not all don't apply to your situation.

If you can convince your husband to open an account and post some messages, that would be beneficial.

You may find a visit or two to a licensed counsellor with expertise in gender issues will be helpful. Unfortuneately, there aren't very many of them around. If you find one that berates your husband for being a crossdresser, it's time to find another counsellor, as that one does more harm than good.

And lastly, making big changes in your life right now likely isn't a good idea unless you are truly unable to cope.

There are a lot of wives in your situation that leave their marriage without investigating what crossdressing is about. You've started along a road that initially takes more strength, but it can be significantly more rewarding and less costly than a divorce.

[Asche]

This post doesn't belong here. I need to be on the loved ones board now and I can't get there yet. I am really having a hard time. I don't have friends or extended family to turn to, we can't find a support group for couples here, I am grappling with three chronic health problems that even the doctors can't help with, we are trying to raise two kids, and my husband wants to dress like a woman. I am overwhelmed. I need to interact with someone who also knows the pain, loneliness, grief, and sense of loss that I’m feeling right now. There is so much out there for the cross dresser. I can't find anything for me and I'm tired of not finding what I need. This is not a topic that you go to just anyone with. I need someone who “gets it” to validate that it sucks, is confusing, and that I’m not as alone as I feel every God forsaken day. I love my husband and am determined to find a way to make it work. But I can’t do it without at least a little light in the dark. It is going on three years that I’ve known and it isn’t getting easier because I feel like I’m just wandering through the wilderness.

It does sound like you have a lot on your plate, and I could see how someone in your position might feel overwhelmed even if the crossdressing weren't there. I'm probably the last person anybody would recommend you go to for good advice, or support, or just a patient ear, or whatever it is you need, but, as they say, "fools rush in...," and I'm nothing if not a fool.

If you were in my neck of the woods, I would say that this would be a time to get a professional -- a therapist, counsellor, or, if you're involved in a church or other religious organization, then whoever does pastoral care -- if only to have someone to think things through with. And a pro will probably know more about what resources are available. But I know that this is not always an option.

One thing to keep in mind about crossdressing: your husband is still the same person. If he was a kind, supportive, loving man before you found out, he will be a kind, supportive, loving crossdresser. (Unfortunately, the opposite is also true: if he was a self-centered, unsupportive jerk before, it means you are now stuck with a self-centered, unsupportive, crossdressing jerk :( ) IMHO, there's a danger that the CDing can distract you from the real issues in your relationship.

I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you are not feeling very supported by your husband right now. If so, maybe that's what you all need to focus on. Not: what is this weird thing that my husband is into? but: what do I need for him to do so I can better cope with all the stuff I'm dealing with? For example (and I'm guessing here), maybe he can take on more responsibility with the kids and the house, up to and including the whole "second shift" thing.

IMHO, it's also reasonable to ask him not to ask you to deal with the CDing right now. Let it be something he does for himself in whatever time is left over after his other responsibilities are over (sort of like watching TV or playing video games or building ships in bottles), but maybe you don't have to understand it or what it means to him right now.

Also, I wouldn't take the posts in this particular forum too much to heart. Some of the posts -- and some of the posters -- are a bit off-the-wall. Probably more off-the-wall than they are in real life. There's a sort of group mentality that develops, and people post stuff that, if they sat and thought about it for a day or so, they might not post. And, as in any public place, this forum has its share of inconsiderate jerks.

[docrobbysherry]

When you're 10 months old and u have gas pains, it FEELS like the end of the world! I'm NOT saying you're like a 10 month old. What I'm trying to say is, "Put your SO's CDing in proper perspective!" Compared to your other issues, it's probably like a stone in your shoe! I suggest u move on to your REAL problems and worry about THAT when u have the time and energy!

[Maggey]

Hi knitknerd. Although I am a crossdresser and not a GG, I can honestly say you are not alone in your feelings. I know my SO joined a support group from the I believe it is the Tre Ess which is another forum. She told me not to go there and I respect those boundaries and haven't. Your SO is also going through a lot and needs his feelings and thoughts looked after so that you both can start to heal and regroup. That is why this forum would be good for him unless you set out a boundary that he may be respecting.
Hang in there knitknerd you will get to the forum you need to be in.

[Tanya C]

Hang in there knitknerd. I know this seems impossible right now, given the way you're feeling, but things will get better for you in the near future. There are a lot of gg's who are in situations similar to yours, and you're definitely not alone. The key is making connections with others, and I think by joining the FAB forum on this site you will be making a good start. The biggest fear about crossdressing is the unknown, and the more you learn about it the less fearsome it becomes.
If it makes you feel any better, crossdressing can work within a marriage, my wife and I are living proof of that. It must be working out because we've been together for more than 35 years, and are hoping for another 35.

Take care,
Tanya

[rebekkadg]

I'm a CDer but I can appreciate your situation. You have a lot of stuff going on in your life and one of the big things that is suppose to be a pillar of stability for you--your husband-is doing something that you perhaps don''t honestly even know what to think about when you want him to be "the man". It sounds to me the crossdressing isn't even the biggest issue with you husband but you own need for emotional support that you just don't feel like you are getting now. My advice is not worry about the crossdressing as much try to focus on getting him to get more involved with you and your kids. Whether he is taking time to go crossdressing is not the issue, the issue is whether he is taking even more time being there for you when you need him.

I would talk to him about just all you concerns and worries in general as calmly as you can bring yourself to do. Make it clear you just want comfort, support, and love. Cuddle up with him as you are telling him all the stuff on your mind, I find it hard to get in a confrontation about anything said when someone is literally leaning on me for comfortant and support. If he tries to get defensive about his crossdressing just head it off and make it clear that that is just one thing that worries you among many and just like all the rest isn't going to just go away and you just want to be sure you can cry on his shoulder, vent in his ear, and have him try to soothe your hurts and worries about everything that goes on. If you can get that from him I doubt him crossdressing will trouble you much at all.

[Mollyanne]

Hi, I read your post and sat back and read it again!!!!! You stated that there are health problems that the doctors can't solve, the kids are adding to your stress, and your spouse is a crossdresser. The total loneliness, isolation, pain and desperation are at there peak and you NEED someone who has gone through this very same situation. No one has gone through exactly the same situation as you but many have some correlation as to all that you are experiencing. Can you talk to your spouse???? Can he talk to you????? Can a compromise be negotiated???? Does he understand how you feel and is he willing to help you????? If you can, call Social Services where you live and ascertain if there is any type of help they can offer or direct you to. You could also try your religious affiliation organization for the same help. Should you need to ask me anything pls e-mail me and I will respond.

Mollyanne

[Jenniferathome]

Sorry to read such a lament. But, in any town big o small, you can find a therapist or counselor to help talk through issues with the two of you. You don't need a gender specialist or a crossdressers group. Talking with a referee present will help. Also, there are many women on this forum who are or have experienced what you have. Reach out to them on the women only forum if you prefer

[knitknerd]

Having trouble gaining access to the resources I need and keeping my chin up. It probably doesn't help that patience is not one of my virtues and I've already been floating out there alone for two years.

[Sandra]

Okay seeing as some posts have been deleted, I suggest that before members give out advice on how to join the private sections, that they read the rules first, thank you.