What the Hell am I doing?

[Anne2345]

Although they do not know it, I am very much different than the other boys I know.

I reside in a community that, for the most part, does not understand, appreciate, or accept who and what I am.

Would that I could have been born, both inside and outside, one definitive gender, life would be sooooo much easier.

I am a male that dresses as a female.

I am a man whose thoughts are dominated by femininity.

I love my wife and family dearly, and would do nothing to intentionally harm or hurt them.

I struggle daily with who and what I am.

Why can’t I simply purge my feminine belongings, forsake femininity, be the man I was born as, and the husband I am supposed to be?

Why can't I simply purge my male belongings, forsake masculinity, and be the woman I should have been?

Why is this so freaking hard?

Why am I so full of fear?

Just what the hell am I doing?

[Kathi Lake]

You're living the middle path. The path that winds between both, but ends at neither. It is a hard path. Why do we go that way? Simple, our love for others eclipses the love we have for ourselves in a way.

Kathi

[Amanda22]

I identify with the "fear" aspect, and "where am I going?" As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth.

[Kerstin]

The fear is a fear of consequences: If I do this, what will happen? If I don't do that, what will happen? What will people think of me? To a large extent, personal circumstances dictate the answers to such questions. For those who are married and/or have children, the possible negative consequences of revealing the whole of oneself are probably greater than for others.

What you are doing is refusing to deny yourself. This is a good thing, but it can sometimes come with a heavy price. The really hard bit is deciding whether or not a life of denial is preferable to the alternative.

[franlee]

Anne, We all can share life experiances with you, advise you and even empathize with you. But there is no univesal answer to solve your quadmire. You can no more purge one side or the other than my dog can climb a tree. To do so will be killing off the part that makes you, you and if you kill off the otherf side it's the same. And as far as the community goes it's not just you but everyone else feels the same at one level or another, if you only knew the secrets that they harbor, you would probably think your own is simple. You owe no one an explaination for being you, but there comes responsibility with every desision and action we take through-out life. Your wife is the only person in the world that is affected(realy affected)by your life style and chooses and then no more or less than you are by hers, love and respect are important but being best friends make it worth living in a marrage. So in essence live your life and don't let others dictate how you live and love yourself. A man that can count his true friends for his whole lifespan and uses all the fingers on one hand and maybe a thumb has lead a good life. Make that first finger your wife and you can't go wrong. The rest will take care of it's self.

[Sister Rachel]

Anne,the she and the he are both part of the whole which is you, not mutually exclusive struggling opposites. Breathe slow and deep, close your eyes and love your WHOLE self.

"When I find myself in times of trouble

Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom

Let it be, let it be "


Anyone with any perception can see that you are a good, bright and sensitive person .. don't get too hung up on masculine or feminine stereotypes would be my advice, for what it's worth.:)

[RenneB]

Welcome to my world girl. I feel that same way. There is only one way and that's your way.

I like the comment from Angela, but she left out the words... "there will be an answer..." then let it be... I think.. it's been a while since I listened to my apple records..

As I've said before, I hear the 'answer' comes about a minute before we all go and meet the big girl upstairs. So I'm good waiting for the answer as I continue on my journey....

Renne.....

[NathalieX66]

You're living the middle path. The path that winds between both, but ends at neither. It is a hard path. Why do we go that way? Simple, our love for others eclipses the love we have for ourselves in a way.

Kathi

Kathi, be careful when you say middle path. I feel like I live the middle path. I love both genders, there is no need for me to merely settle for one gender. This is the place I feel most comfortable.
Anne may not necessarily be like myself :
Would that I could have been born, both inside and outside, one definitive gender, life would be sooooo much easier.

[Dana7]

Anne,

I feel your pain. It is a hard road.

And I agree with Kathi. We love others and ourselves, and because of our love of others we sacrifice in order to love them. That is the greatest meaning of love: sacrifice.

[LeaP]

Anne,

Don't confuse fear and paralysis.

There are lots of things to be afraid of. There are a lot of potential consequences. That's not your fear. What you're afraid of is living. In a sense, you're afraid of dying no matter what you do, even if you do nothing.

What are you doing? You are waiting for permission. And that's never going to come. Ever. You are going to have to decide whether you want things to change.

You are a dear friend, Anne, and I hope you will take this with the love intended.

Lea

[Jane G]

The hard part is first knowing and then accepting who you are. After 50 years and two nervous break downs I'm almost there. Good luck with your journey.

[Barbara Ella]

Anne, these are the burdens we are forced to carry to one extent or another depending on our individual situation. Some situations are forced to take on more of them than others, and those individuals must bear a somewhat heavier burden. we are all just bearing our burden until called away.

do not mistake the fact that we bear a heavier burden than our male counterparts with a feeling that we have been put upon. I cannot feel that way about my need to cross dress and carry a feminine persona along with me at all times. I look on it as a bit of a challenge that the "normal" male would not have a chance of even doing for a very short time. It is an example of multi tasking. It is an emotional drain on each and every one of us. Just look at your wonderful wife and family, and be glad that they were lucky enough to get someone with your variety skills to be in their lives. A normal male would have undoubtedly mucked it up a whole lot more.

Embrace the whys of your life, and look for the feeling that why I do it doesnt really matter, i just do them one helluvo lot better than the next bloke, so go suck on it. then kick the nattering negative nabobs out of the room, put your makeup on, and go to work.

Hugs, Babes

[docrobbysherry]

But, for VERY DIFFERENT REASONS! :eek:

I'm pretty sure I'm "F"ing up my life with CDing! But, DAM am I having fun and meeting great folks while doing it!:D

I keep telling myself, "Self,it COULD be worse!" U COULD be hooked on CRAK instead of CDing!:brolleyes:

[Alice Torn]

Doc hit a homer! Thoreau: "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation." Red Green: "I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together." It ain't easy! Lots of good posts.

[bobbie c]

anne..i read your posts and you are struggling so hard,but against what? the sensitivity and wondering and wanting to please is what makes you a cut above.embrace who and what you are...a good person with so many nice traits....learn to love yourself first and the rest will follow....and let the love of your family flow to you....you'll be fine if you embrace this...hugs

[Brittany CD]

I become conflicted about my desire to dress up as well. I think we're scared of our femininity hurting others. We often say of our dressing, "it's not hurting anyone" which is true, but I guess it's different when you're married or in a relationship. We love this side of us, but we care about those we love as well

[Debglam]

Although they do not know it, I am very much different than the other boys I know. . .

Anne,

All I can offer is that you are not alone in all of this! Same feelings and same struggle. Just try and remember the joyous times and the glimpses of life that the "normal" guys can't even imagine! Just try and see the struggle as "payment" for the good stuff and see that you are net ahead!

Hugs,
Debby

[Jacqueline Winona]

Anne, I can feel your turmoil, just reading your post, and I appreciate your struggles. The ancients taught us to "know thyself." Shakespeare told us "This above all, to thine ownself be true." You are a beautiful person, and dressing is a part of you. You know this, and pkease know that I do care about you and will help you any way I can if you need.