When did I become such a *****?

[Myojine]

I am such a ****ing *****... when did I turn into such worthless little sex object? Sleeping with people i dont even care about just to get the things i need.
What the **** is wrong with me.
When did I become so dependant on someone else that'd id give up my dignitity, morality, and pride for the attention of someone else.
Why can't i just say "No"? Do i really need it that much...?
God someone needs to save me from myself.

I said that on my facebook.

Yesterday I went to a LGBT center, attended a Transgender group, talked with this guy all day, we had lunch, we decorated the ceneter, and then Last night I came home with him because we agree'd to live together, and then we had sex...

I guess im the kinda girl who ****s on the first date...
I just... couldnt say no...i dont even like men...

[docrobbysherry]

I suggest u give yourself a break, Myo! MOST of us go thru that stage. With me it was with women. Jeez, I was SO EASY! Any fairly decent female got me into bed with just a smile! And, come to think about it, some WEREN'T decent and DIDN'T smile!

I had one nite stands with some of the weirdest girls on the planet! And, some of the worst sex, too! Finally, I developed self esteem and decided I'm not sleeping with anyone unless I like them and REALLY WANT TO!

Eventually, u will get to that point, too! Until then, just be sure to use protection!

[karenlong]

learn to love yourself, you are important, one day you will find one that appreciates you for exactly who you are

[Katesback]

If you like the idea of getting HIV/AIDS then by all means date and have sex with gay men. Before you tell me I am being extreme take note I used to work for the state doing HIV prevention. Trans women have a very high rate of HIV/AIDS and so do gay men.

Katie

[Aprilrain]

.i dont even like men...

Girls who don't like men don't willingly sleep with them. You need to get honest with yourself. Are you using him to get a place to live and so you think you owe him sex, or do you really like men but don't want to admit it? In another post you said something to the effect that though you don't like men because you think they are dirty filthy pigs who just want sex you still want to be bent over like a prom queen (im paraphrasing but im pretty sure it went something like that!) WTF?
Sounds like you want to at least have sex with men even if you are prejudiced against them. perhaps working through your issues with men whatever they may be would allow you to explore your sexuality with out guilt or shame. If your going to live with this guy and you really don't want to have sex with him you need to tell him now and accept that he may feel used or duped and not want you to live with him. Just my 2 cents.

[Myojine]

Girls who don't like men don't willingly sleep with them. You need to get honest with yourself. Are you using him to get a place to live and so you think you owe him sex, or do you really like men but don't want to admit it? In another post you said something to the effect that though you don't like men because you think they are dirty filthy pigs who just want sex you still want to be bent over like a prom queen (im paraphrasing but im pretty sure it went something like that!) WTF?
Sounds like you want to at least have sex with men even if you are prejudiced against them. perhaps working through your issues with men whatever they may be would allow you to explore your sexuality with out guilt or shame. If your going to live with this guy and you really don't want to have sex with him you need to tell him now and accept that he may feel used or duped and not want you to live with him. Just my 2 cents.

I have a problem with saying no.
I dont like men and i didnt enjoy it. :/
Maybe its the attention? the benifit of doing it?

and that "bent over" refered to vaginal sex...

[Aprilrain]

and that "bent over" refered to vaginal sex...

And your point is?

My point is girls that don't like boys don't want to get "bent over" regardless of what parts you have.

[Myojine]

And your point is?

My point is girls that don't like boys don't want to get "bent over" regardless of what parts you have.

I have a problem with saying no.

reguardless if i enjoy the sex or not.

EDIT:since when do you know how every girl in the world acts?

[Aprilrain]

Yes but the "bent over comment was in reference to a hypothetical post SRS situation, not your current one. so I guess i'm just confused. If you don't like men why would you consider such a scenario? what about that appeals to you if you are not sexually attracted to men? it makes no sense.

also I have read post of yours in the past where you talk about a boyfriend. your past posts and your current claims of being a lesbian just don't add up.

[danielleb]

To me it all reads like a simple issue. You've taken a beating in life, are continuing down a path that will likely lead to future distress that you see little way out of, and now you will do whatever you think it takes to get to know that someone will love you, even if they don't. Ask just about any sex worker and you'll hear the same story hundreds of times over.:straightface:

If you want out, you have to straighten it all out in your head that you have value and a place in this world, but until then use protection.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Myojine,

Give yourself a break, dear. You have had a rough time recently and you are finally on the road you have been dreaming of. Take care. Work on learning to love and respect yourself. Your pain is evident in every one of your posts.

I don't care who you sleep with or who you have sex with. But YOU do. Care for yourself. The rewards are great.

Stephie

[Myojine]

Work on learning to love and respect yourself.

probably never going to happen, not if i keep doing stuff like this

Your pain is evident in every one of your posts.

I don't care who you sleep with or who you have sex with. But YOU do. Care for yourself. The rewards are great.

Stephie
The worst thing about this
is that i told a person whom i love dearly about this this morning
and now she no longer wants anything to do with me as a relationship. im devistated...
this sucks

i ****ing hate my life.

OH yeah just an FYI, the mom i went to go live with(i think i mentioned it here), she paid her exhusband to drop me off in the middleof las vegas and just abandon me there. Fortunately he wasnt so heartless and gave me the money she gave him. but still this is how people treat me.

thats why i even put myself up to this in the first place...

[Nicole Erin]

Men are just after sex anyways. They talk about gay/straight/tranny chasers but a hard-on has no conscious.

Maybe the reason you are doing this is for validation of sorts.

[Myojine]

Men are just after sex anyways. They talk about gay/straight/tranny chasers but a hard-on has no conscious.

Maybe the reason you are doing this is for validation of sorts.

Do i really need validation for something i already know through and through?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Since you've been here you consistently demonstrate that you need to help yourself by loving yourself..whoever and whatever you are..and that includes if you are a highly charged sexual girl..

you railed and railed with desperate anger about how people view you, HRT etc.. you get moving on all the gender stuff and there you go about a sex night..everything to you is so absolute and filled with self loathing..
GET OVER YOURSELF... you are not the only sad and angry person...we all share a terrible plight...

i got on my knees for a guy in a parking lot the 2nd time i ever went out dressed...the first thing he said was can i pee on you??? OMG....it made me feel dirty and used...
I rose above it... i learned..

Your choice is to rise or sink... you pick it..

[moondog]

Myojine,

I've read the replies people have posted, and the sarcastic vitrol you send back at the very people who are trying to help you, which is precisely what you asked for...help. It appears you are looking for sympathy while doing nothing to help youself. You are a user. You use the symapthy of people to feed your sense of worth. You use your body to get what you want. All the while you decry your self hatred and how much you hate the very men you are using. They deserve the sympathy, not you. This whole thread smacks of troll.

[Frances]

Myojine,

I've read the replies people have posted, and the sarcastic vitrol you send back at the very people who are trying to help you, which is precisely what you asked for...help. It appears you are looking for sympathy while doing nothing to help youself. You are a user. You use the symapthy of people to feed your sense of worth. You use your body to get what you want. All the while you decry your self hatred and how much you hate the very men you are using. They deserve the sympathy, not you. This whole thread smacks of troll.

This^
...................

[Myojine]

Myojine,

I've read the replies people have posted, and the sarcastic vitrol you send back at the very people who are trying to help you, which is precisely what you asked for...help. It appears you are looking for sympathy while doing nothing to help youself. You are a user. You use the symapthy of people to feed your sense of worth. You use your body to get what you want. All the while you decry your self hatred and how much you hate the very men you are using. They deserve the sympathy, not you. This whole thread smacks of troll.

Because some people deserve to be abused?
Judging someone before you even know their whole story, their pain.

"Feel my pain, Share in my torment" ~ Morgana the Fallen Angel.

I didnt use anyone, I got used, and thrown out.
because i totally deserved it.

Because i deserved to be molested when i was a little kids
because i deserved to be raped when i was 17
because i deserved to be beaten and totured on a daily basis by the hands of my father
because i deserved to be dicriminated agaisnt and kicked out of the military for a predjudice UCMJ code
because i deserved to be treated like trash when my landlords husband left her

I deserved all of that and anything else that happens.
because some people deserve to be abused.


Everything was supose to change, to get better when i went to live with my mom, a place to heal a place to fix everything, but instead she started to abuse me, and her exhusband saw it. He tried to help, but she kept on, and i stayed like a beaten dog. Then it was to late, now here I am.
Because i deserve to be abused.

[Stephenie S]

No you don't. No one deserves to be abused.

When I asked you to work on learning to love and respect YOURSELF, I meant just that. Learn to love and respect yourself. It's essential.

I know that it is hard for an abused person to move beyond the abuse. I too was abused and nearly raped as a child. (The only reason I was not raped was because I was willing to jump out of a moving car.) Breaking that cycle of abuse is hard to do, but it is the only way to move forward.

Work on learning that you have value just because you are. Work on learning to love yourself. It's not easy, but you have to do it.

Stephie

[Myojine]

No you don't. No one deserves to be abused.

When I asked you to work on learning to love and respect YOURSELF, I meant just that. Learn to love and respect yourself. It's essential.

I know that it is hard for an abused person to move beyond the abuse. I too was abused and nearly raped as a child. (The only reason I was not raped was because I was willing to jump out of a moving car.) Breaking that cycle of abuse is hard to do, but it is the only way to move forward.

Work on learning that you have value just because you are. Work on learning to love yourself. It's not easy, but you have to do it.

Stephie

I dont understand how i keep getting into abusive situations and all this shit happens! I just dont understand.
I made an effort to change things when i got with my first boyfriend, i started working my ass off tried to motivate him to get a job so we could live together in our own place and he just wouldnt do anything, I moved out he abandoned me. just one stupid ****ing example, of shit that happens over and over again.

that is all i know from people, is abuse. I have never intentionally abused anyone in anyway that i can think of. ive unintentionally hurt people before but i never ment to hurt someone like people have hurt me.
I have tried so hard to be the honest person i have always thought was best the person Id like to be around, you know the saying "be the change you want to see in the world," and yet all i see are users abusers and violent creeps around me.
i dont understand what i did to deserve this hell.

maybe im not as strong as you girls, i dont know, im sick of trying.

[Ally 2112]

Only you can change your path !.If the one you have been on is not working then by all means change it !!Excuses are just that excuses for probs you think cannot be changed ?.With enough work anything can be corrected

[ReineD]

I didn't have well defined boundaries when I was a young woman. Sex was casual and I never thought twice about it. I just thought it was something that I was supposed to do!

I do not feel this way now, and Myo, I think this just came with maturity for me. When you've had enough, you'll stop. Have faith in yourself.

[Babeba]

If you're in a head space where you don't know where you will sleep from one night to the next, how you will put food in your mouth going forward, and how to keep your whole self safe - if your needs for food, shelter, security are not met - it is far more difficult to think about your soul. Stress activates things in your body that make you more irrational, more fight-or-flight, more likely to give in to others' suggestions if there is a hint it may help you somehow.

If your actions at a time of vulnerability disgust you, use them as a platform to work up from, and to get to a place where that sort of reaction is simply not going to tempt you. There is nowhere for you to go, I think, than up-but you are the only person who can take you there. Spending all your time feeling horrible about them won't help you, but positive steps like going to the LGBT centre in the long run will.

[moondog]

Because some people deserve to be abused?
Judging someone before you even know their whole story, their pain.

"Feel my pain, Share in my torment" ~ Morgana the Fallen Angel.

I didnt use anyone, I got used, and thrown out.
because i totally deserved it.

Because i deserved to be molested when i was a little kids
because i deserved to be raped when i was 17
because i deserved to be beaten and totured on a daily basis by the hands of my father
because i deserved to be dicriminated agaisnt and kicked out of the military for a predjudice UCMJ code
because i deserved to be treated like trash when my landlords husband left her

I deserved all of that and anything else that happens.
because some people deserve to be abused.


Everything was supose to change, to get better when i went to live with my mom, a place to heal a place to fix everything, but instead she started to abuse me, and her exhusband saw it. He tried to help, but she kept on, and i stayed like a beaten dog. Then it was to late, now here I am.
Because i deserve to be abused.

I never said anybody “deserves to be abused,” that was all you because everything with you is framed through the looking glass of victimhood. I know enough about you based on your posts to judge what kind of person you really are. We all carry pain with us, the trick is moving beyond your pain and allowing it to assist you in growing as a person, rather than letting it define you as a victim.

I neither need feel your pain nor share your torment.

You allowed him to have sex with you fully expecting a free place to live in return, ipso facto, you used him. However you want to frame the argument making you appear, yet again, as the victim, you chose to engage in sex with him and you were anticipating something in return. There is a word for that kind of activity. Having him throw you out is most like a result of his discovering what kind of person you really are, so yes, in this instance you deserved the treatment you received.

Deserve has got nothing to do with anything, it was the life you were dealt.

Did I deserve the near daily beatings, attempted drowning, and attempt to chop off my hand by my older brother?
Did I deserve to be committed to an insane asylum...twice?
Did I deserve to spend 2 weeks in an ICU after being in a coma for 3 days?
Did I deserve to get run over by a pick-up truck?

No, I did not. These things all happened, including others I care not to share. However I do not allow these events to control my life now. People here are giving you good advice and you continue to ignore their kind words and help and all you can do is spout off about deserving to be abused and lamenting about what a piece of crap you are.

I am not going to waste my time giving you life affirmations because they appear to do no good with you. If you believe you deserved all of those things that allegedly happened to you then there is little anybody here can do to help you move beyond how you currently view yourself and live your life. Your personality of victimization feeds your life and you cannot let go of your past and move forward. That is your problem and not mine.

Good luck. I shall refrain from responding to any of your posts in the future because you are, quite simply, a waste of my time.

[ReineD]

I've closed this thread because of the 'fighting' aura it has developed. Please people, do this via PM and not out in the open forum.

Myo, no good comes from arguing with people who are trying to give you the benefit of their own experiences. Everyone knows you're in a rough space, you don't need to convince us. But if what they say doesn't work for you, then instead of arguing about why their methods won't work for you, just keep asking questions until you get answers that do fit.