Camera outs me to my son

[Emma Leigh]

I will try to keep this brief

I have 2 younger children a boy of 12 and a girl of 9, I am devoted to them although their mother and I parted shortly after she dicovered I was a CD, but I have always managed to keep it from the kids who sleep over every weekend, they also come round for their dinner on Tuesday evenings, my daughter sleeps over but due to school my son only occasionally.This Tuesday gone he asked if he could stay over that night and brought all his stuff for the next day with him, however later in the evening he suddenly changed his mind and asked if I would ask his mother to pick him up, which she did.

The following day my daughters class were putting on a show for their school assembly which both I and her mother attended, after the show my ex mentioned that my son had seen some images of me dressed on a camera and was traumatised by them, I honestly did not know what she could mean, but I checked both my cameras has soon as I could, and sure enough one of them contained explicit photos of me dressed, pictures that cannot easily be explained away, These were old pictures that I was sure I had deleted, and I can only think had re-appeared as I had removed the memory card.

Anyway it is clear there is a major problem as they did not come round this weekend,and my calls and texts are ignored. I love them so much and I cannot think of life without them. We were going away on Friday to visit their half brother in Ireland and we were all so looking forward to a few days away together, I am at my wits end what to do???

Any advise would be greatly appreciated

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Emma, what a terrible predicament to find yourself in. You must be feeling terrible. I can't offer any advice - just my sympathies. I do hope you can resolve the situation and win back the trust and respect of your children and hopefully your ex-wife wont use your CD'ing as as tool to turn them against you.

[Barbara Ella]

Emma, I am very sorry about this happening to you. This is a very tight situation, and it does not appear that you have much wiggle room with your ex. This most likely violated an agreement you had with her regarding visitation, and she holds all the cards. Just keep trying to make contact with her. Dont know if she will listen or not, Just do not get angry.

Babes

[Emma Leigh]

Just keep trying to make contact with her. Dont know if she will listen or not, Just do not get angry.

Babes

Anger is the last emotion I feel at the moment, except perhaps with myself. Thanks for your comments

[az_azeel]

wow im sorry to hear this Emma.... having met your kids they are both great ...and you do have a special bond with them..... i think you need to let the dust settle.. refrain from calling and texting especially to the kids... they will just get angrier if thats the right word... as for the pic do you think your ex will say anything derrogative to the kids.. if not perhaps you can say that the pics were from a long time ago when you went to a fancy dress party and were messing about... failing that... you will have to sit them down and explain although they might be to young to take it all in...
The pics for future referance... not only do they store on the memory card but some camera's will store the pics in the camera's own memory.. so you have to delete both....
whichever way it goes .. i wish you good luck and if there is anything i can do please let me know... :hugs:

[sonna]

i am so sorry thay happend i do hope things work out for you, dont keep anything bottled up we are here if you need us.

[Emma Leigh]

wow im sorry to hear this Emma.... having met your kids they are both great ...and you do have a special bond with them..... i think you need to let the dust settle.. refrain from calling and texting especially to the kids... they will just get angrier if thats the right word... as for the pic do you think your ex will say anything derrogative to the kids..

Thanks Az, I believe my ex is extremely jealous of the kids relationship with me, they are (were) always asking if they can come round or stay over and will take advantage of any opertunity I stupidly hand to her

[t-girlxsophie]

I can truly srympathise Emma.I went through the same heartache with my son,It broke my heart and I almost lost him after his mother told him that we split cause I dressed,I think you should leave it a short time to let everything sink in with them,In my case I gave my son a little time then just tried to let my boy know that I was still his dad and that I hadn't changed and that I still loved him,Eventually after we had a heart to heart we got back on an even keel (my wife actually aided that,I hope your ex does too),I really hope things will get back to normal with you and your children

Sophie

[kimdl93]

Time is your ally, Emma. Your kids may have experienced a shock...eventually this will pass. What you can do is be prepared to discuss this with them in a mature and honest manner...you mouth consider consulting with a child psychiatrist to get some ideas and better understand their emotion

[ReineD]

Emma, I would explain the situation to your wife, and assure her they were old pictures. Tell her you've had absolutely no desire to CD in front of your children, let alone tell them that you do this. Also explain to her that your children do need both parents even if their parents are divorced, and as much as the recent incident is regrettable, you and your wife both need to put your heads together and come up with a way to explain this to your son in order to smooth things over.

The explanation could be as simple as telling your son that some people sometimes put on opposite gender clothing, but they usually like to keep this private since it is not something that many people understand. And then answer any questions he may have simply and honestly. Be sure and ask your son how he feels about this if he is willing to talk about it, and if he feels awkward tell him that he will not see you dressed like this, you are still very much his dad, and you can both move forward now.

It is paramount at this point to get your wife's cooperation. You might both want to sit with your children and explain it together. I say both children, since there is a chance your son has spoken about this to his sister. Your children both need to see that you and your wife are on the same page with this.

[Emma Leigh]

Did you contact your Divorce attorney?

No, we never married, although we were engaged (£1000 platinum ring, wonder what happened to that?)

Thanks Sophie, but dont suppose being told is the same as seeing it for yourself

The lad has been to a child psychologist for temper issues Kim

and thanks for your comments Reine, they make a lot of sense

I Thank you all for your concern :hugs:

[Kaz]

Hi Emma,

I agree with most posts here especially Reine's. The key short term issue is your ex-partner and I guess she needs to be assured you aren't 'abusing' any relationship so to speak. The kids will come to terms with things over time (how old are they?) given support and loving encouragement. The issue with your ex is more complex though as this is the reason she left you. Time to develop those interpersonal skills I think!

We are all here for you though and keep us posted.

[Eryn]

...after the show my ex mentioned that my son had seen some images of me dressed on a camera and was traumatised by them,...

That word "tramatized" is very overused and probably not accurate in this situation. "Puzzled" or "surprised" would probably be more accurate to describe a 12-year-old's reaction to seeing unusual pictures of Dad.

Your ex-wife's use of that emotion-charged word and lack of communication may indicate that she is planning legal action. It might be a good idea to get some legal help of your own to better define your visitation rights.

[goodnhose]

Emma, OMG! I feel for you as many of us could be outed by similar circumstances. Keep talking with us we support you! As the saying goes "Time heals all wounds".

[Emma Leigh]

Just knowing at least I have your support, is comforting to know, and is helping me immensly, you are all wonderful, and I love you all, Thank you :hugs:

[Lori B]

Oh Emm....I know how you must feel,,,maybe talk to the ex first,,if that`s possible,then I guess it`s time for Dad to explain.....:sad:

[karenlong]

Reine D , i would have to say the best advice you could get on this one, tell your wife they were old photos forgotton, talke to her and see if you all can sit down and discuss it

[Emma Leigh]

If only she would talk, but I am being blanked

[Eryn]

In all things, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. We're here for you, but make sure that you're protecting your rights and doing the right thing for your children.

[Momarie]

At the moment, this isn't about you or your child's Mother.

It's about a 12 year old boy whose foundation has been shaken to the core.

Please try to think of it in HIS terms, not your own.

Try to imagine how this little guy (not quite a man yet no longer a little boy) might feel about this, especially as he approaches his own manhood with you being his closest role model.

He has viewed "explicit photos of me dressed".
How explicit?
Sexually explicit?

He needs his Dad to be strong for HIM, not you needing him and everyone else to be strong for you...it's not about you now.

You shook his world and his perceptions of you, so don't press him into acceptance or anything else at the moment.

[Marleena]

Emma is has to be a scary time for your son too. Hopefully his mom will calm him down. I think you need to give your son some time to digest it. As said by others keep in touch with the ex meanwhile if you can.

[busker]

I will try to keep this brief



The following day my daughters class were putting on a show for their school assembly which both I and her mother attended, after the show my ex mentioned that my son had seen some images of me dressed on a camera and was traumatised by them,

Anyway it is clear there is a major problem as they did not come round this weekend,and my calls and texts are ignored.

How is it that your children were using your camera in the first place? There are possible explanations but you probably need to enlist the aid of your ex. Do the children actually identify the "woman" as YOU? or do they think that another woman is living with you? Any costume things that you are active in? Is your ex also avoiding your calls? More questions than answers, and it just may be time to bite the bullet and explain what it is that daddy does--difficult as that is going to be. 9 and 12 are old enough to get the basics of the message.

[Emma Leigh]

At the moment, this isn't about you or your child's Mother.

It's about a 12 year old boy whose foundation has been shaken to the core.

Please try to think of it in HIS terms, not your own.

Try to imagine how this little guy (not quite a man yet no longer a little boy) might feel about this, especially as he approaches his own manhood with you being his closest role model.

I totally understand it is about him Momarie, but I dont want to lose him either


How is it that your children were using your camera in the first place?

He simply wanted to take a picture of his pet Gerbils, and as I have previously said, I thought all the pictures had been deleted, but I had removed the memory card and these old images were in the cameras own memory

[Missy]

let time take it course be there if and when they have any questions that they my have and be honest with your kids do not get explicit with them just keep it simple
if they need help then help

[RenneB]

Well I'm in no position to offer any advice but this is a great example of why so many of us keep our true identities hidden from view. I just reformated my memory card. I too would be in the outs if the SO and/or biological replacements every found out. This effort to keep the identity secret has cost me extra computers, so no one has to use mine, extra cameras, and on and on...

I agree with another poster that "this too in time shall pass" but the length of time is anyone's guess.... This is where my faith in the big girl upstairs starts to take serious note and I confide in her for wisdon and ideas.... May you be blessed with an answer and some understanding soles....

Renne.....

[Emma Leigh]

Thanks Renne, I thought I was being careful too

[Kerstin]

I also have a son who is close to your own son's age, and we share a similar routine, with him staying over one night at the weekend with regular weekday visits. If something similar happened to me I would wait a few days and then contact him any way I could and be 100% honest to him. I wouldn't pressure him, I'd merely explain things without asking anything of him. Does your son have Facebook or an email address? Maybe you could write him a message when you feel the time is right.

[Kate T]

I suspect that this will not be easy.
I believe that you will have to be honest. Completely honest. You must answer every question asked by your children in as honest a manner possible that they will be able to understand. Your children will forgive you. BUT they will see through any deception very quickly.

Oh, and GET RID of those photos!!! If they are that innappropriate (implied from your post "explicit") then ask yourself why you took those photos originally. AND don't take any more!

[Emma Leigh]

He does have both Kerstin but he very rarely uses them


Your children will forgive you. BUT they will see through any deception very quickly.

Oh, and GET RID of those photos!!! If they are that innappropriate (implied from your post "explicit") then ask yourself why you took those photos originally. AND don't take any more!

Hope you are right Adina, re the photos I reiterate they were old and I went through a phase which I cannot explain and no longer understand myself,except I know at the time I felt worthless, I deleted them immediately when I saw them

[Eryn]

Emma, have you heard from your ex yet?

[Kate T]

Hope you are right Adina, re the photos I reiterate they were old and I went through a phase which I cannot explain and no longer understand myself, except I know at the time I felt worthless, I deleted them immediately when I saw them

This then is the reason that I would suggest giving if your children or ex wife ask about those photos. I would forget trying to make up excuses or a story. It was done, a mistake was made (i.e. the photos) and you are now doing your best to fix that mistake.

I say again, children are perceptive and forgiving. Given the truth I doubt they will reject you, if anything they are likely to embrace you more.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Emma, It's going to be hard to un-ring that bell.

[JaneAshland]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide. At his young age, a boy sees his dad as his hero, etc, and would just not understand what we do, and I would never attach all that stress to him and try to explain as a CD. Just my opinion....

I don't like to lie, but in this case, you must do what is best for your son, and his on mental being, and not what is most ethical, or easiest for you. And I just don't see a 9yr old being able to comprehend this, I think it would just add unnecessary stress to his life at this point. Sure, you may feel better, by telling the truth, and unload guilt on your part, but at your son's expense??? Better that you suffer with guilt and protect your child.

I would most definitely get some professional opinions on this.

[Kate T]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide. At his young age, a boy sees his dad as his hero, etc, and would just not understand what we do, and I would never attach all that stress to him and try to explain as a CD. Just my opinion....

I don't like to lie, but in this case, you must do what is best for your son, and his on mental being, and not what is most ethical, or easiest for you. And I just don't see a 9yr old being able to comprehend this, I think it would just add unnecessary stress to his life at this point. Sure, you may feel better, by telling the truth, and unload guilt on your part, but at your son's expense??? Better that you suffer with guilt and protect your child.

I would most definitely get some professional opinions on this.

I agree that telling children should not be accompanied with "but you mustn't tell anyone" or any other sort of caveat. But I suspect you may be surprised at how much a 9 year old comprehends. I know I constantly am with my children.

[Kerstin]

I don't think a 9yr old is capable of understanding what a CDer truly is, and I would not go that route. I would though, as another has said, is try to "white Lie" out of it by saying something to the effect that I was preparing for a party where everyone dressed as the opposite sex, or something like that. Then if it comes up again later in life, you could at that time decide.

That is a really good point. I guess it depends on the child. Telling the white lie that you were getting ready for a fancy dress party would actually be a good option if you didn't want to burden the children with the CD issue. But the ex will need to go along with it, and Emma doesn't know what she's said to the kids yet.

[Nicole Erin]

That is difficult.
I think most people, no matter how old, would be traumatized by seeing explicit photos of our parents.

Things could be worse though. I mean what if he had the camera hooked to an overhead projector and during the presentation, the whole class saw the pictures?

I mean things could have been way worse.

[EllieOPKS]

I agree with Jane as far as telling a lie or whatever it takes to give the kid peace of mind. I would not wait to have one on one time with him and let him talk. You need to make him feel more loved than he has ever been. And one more thing, you should send you ex a dozen roses for telling you what the issue was with him. Having her tell him that you are the good person you really are will help you reestablish that bond and move forward.

[Natalie D]

Oh Emma I've only just come across this. What a dreadful thing to happen.
I can only hope that your ex will talk to you soon. Hopefully then you can get things sorted. Time is a good healer and hopefully she will come round soon. Do you have a friend or family member that could talk to her first and explain how upset you are and need to talk with her about this.

When my son was about 10 I had big event. We talked about it and it has never been mentioned again. He just accepted it and we moved on. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you just how strong and resilient our kids can be.

I really hope you get this sorted out soon.

I really feel for you. :hugs:

[Emma Leigh]

I would like to thank all of you for your advise and kind words,

Today due to an act of misfortune for my daughter, who was ill, my ex had only 2 alternatives either take the day off work or bring her to me for me to care for her as I dont work on Mondays, she chose the latter, and at least my daughter has no misgivings about me as she acted just as she always has with me. And when the ex called to take her home, she was fine too, I asked about the Ireland trip and was told my daughter would definitely be coming along, and she would run us to the airport!!!!. The acid test is still my son however, and no one can answer for him.

[Sissy_in_pink]

This is why your kids should see you dressed at a very young age, the first time you are left alone with them for any lenghth of time you should put on something obviously feminine and spend time with them, by doing this they will think it is normal and think nothing of it and untill we all do that there will always be people out there that will not except us and isn't exceptance what we are trying to achieve.

[moondog]

If everybody acts like this is a big deal he'll react occordingly, however, if you and the ex approach this as nothing worth any great consideration it very well may defuse the whole situation.

[Natalie D]

Oh well that's a start.
So has your son said he's not going to Ireland? Or did your ex just not say. I would guess he'd still want to go with you, especially as your daughter is going.
If your ex it running you to the airport that would suggest that she is happy to move on.
Good luck

[Emma Leigh]

If everybody acts like this is a big deal he'll react occordingly, however, if you and the ex approach this as nothing worth any great consideration it very well may defuse the whole situation.

You may be right, a lot of people advised me similarly, and I listened


Oh well that's a start.
So has your son said he's not going to Ireland? Or did your ex just not say. I would guess he'd still want to go with you, especially as your daughter is going.
If your ex it running you to the airport that would suggest that she is happy to move on.
Good luck

He has,nt been in touch at all, but I have just joined facebook and sent him a friend request, which he has accepted, but without comment. My daughter said he has been very bad tempered and shouting a lot though, it may be he has,nt confided in anyone

[Gaby2]

Oh Emma I've only just come across this...
Hi Em!
Just like Nath a few hours ago, I've only just read your thread now.
My 10 year-old daughter is sleeping soundly upstairs.
I had lengthy conversations on the phone with my Ex today... who really wants to know everything about everything.
It is difficult striking a balance... and in the end, it always seems like I never get it right (enough).
It doesn't matter what happened, or how unfortunate and even silly the camera incident might have been.
What matters is that you love your son with all your heart.
And you love your son with all your heart.
:hugs:Gaby

[Emma Leigh]

My 10 year-old daughter is sleeping soundly upstairs.
I had lengthy conversations on the phone with my Ex today... who really wants to know everything about everything.
It is difficult striking a balance... and in the end, it always seems like I never get it right (enough).
It doesn't matter what happened, or how unfortunate and even silly the camera incident might have been.
What matters is that you love your son with all your heart.
And you love your son with all your heart.
:hugs:Gaby

Hi Gaby
Its like trying to live 2 seperate lives, and yes I do love him with all my heart, which is why I am so worried

[Gaby2]

Hi Gaby
Its like trying to live 2 seperate lives, and yes I do love him with all my heart, which is why I am so worried

Yeah.
If it helps, I'm a little worried about my relationship to my 10-year old too.
And I don't think that she has had such an experience, which would make me feel "guilty" in a similar way.
But still I worry and just hope things will be ok between us.
It might have something to do with this age-group and, of course, the fact that I live apart from her mother.
I don't know.
My 15-year-old and I have a much less "complicated" relationship.
Thinking of you,
Gaby

[Emma Leigh]

Yeah.
If it helps, I'm a little worried about my relationship to my 10-year old too.
And I don't think that she has had such an experience, which would make me feel "guilty" in a similar way.
But still I worry and just hope things will be ok between us.
It might have something to do with this age-group and, of course, the fact that I live apart from her mother.
I don't know.
My 15-year-old and I have a much less "complicated" relationship.
Thinking of you,
Gaby

Just be more careful than I was!!

[Gaby2]

Just be more careful than I was!!
OK Em, I'll do my best, Gaby

[Eryn]

Today due to an act of misfortune for my daughter, who was ill, my ex had only 2 alternatives either take the day off work or bring her to me for me to care for her as I dont work on Mondays, she chose the latter, and at least my daughter has no misgivings about me as she acted just as she always has with me. And when the ex called to take her home, she was fine too, I asked about the Ireland trip and was told my daughter would definitely be coming along, and she would run us to the airport!!!!. The acid test is still my son however, and no one can answer for him.

I wouldn't wish illness on anyone, but this one was well timed, reminding your ex that you are a valuable part of your children's lives!

I think that your son will come around. 12-year-olds are resiliant and memories fade.

Keep your chin up, things are getting back to normal!

[DanaR]

I wouldn't wish illness on anyone, but this one was well timed, reminding your ex that you are a valuable part of your children's lives!

I think that your son will come around. 12-year-olds are resiliant and memories fade.

Keep your chin up, things are getting back to normal!

I agree with Eryn. Just make sure that you don't do anything to upset the apple cart for a while and then try contacting your ex again. As was mentioned, you can't unring the bell, but you can show them that you are indeed sorry for what happened.

This is why I say, kids don't need to know because it can affect them in other ways. You'll have to be a little more careful about your stuff that they might see.