Tired of pretending

[Delila]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not? I feel like half of my life is spent trying to be a person that I usually am not. I don't mean fully transitioning I just wish often that my CDing did not have to be so secret. I recently had a house guest and I found that it was a huge stress to hide my clothes and not wear my normal pajamas because it would not be ok. Has anyone else had such an issue that when they really want to be femme they couldn't because they had to hide what they really felt from another? How do you handle that? I always wonder why it is that we have to hide in the closet. It seems that Xders have the hardest time even in todays more accepting climate.

[KristaCD_FL]

I have the same problems. My girlfriend is living with me for a couple months and it's nearly impossible to dress while she's here. She obviously doesn't know about it, and I can only dress up for a couple hours here and there when she works on the rare days I don't. Then it's always a rush to get all the makeup off and everything packed away before she gets back. Boo.

[DanaR]

I think that we all have similar problems with house guests. I always have my toes painted and quite often will wear either a dress or fem clothes around the house. Then all of a sudden we have a house guest for a few days, I have to be careful walking to the bathroom in my nighty or showing my toes.

I get by, but I'm usually glad to get back to a normal routine.

[Delila]

I wish it was so simple as being cautious when walking to the restroom. My SO didnt want to take any chances it was a boxers and t-shirt weekend just to be sure. I would like to know if anyone out there has just bit the bullet and outed themselves so that they could be comfortable at home. It's worth mentioning that my SO outed me this summer to several of our good friends accidentally of course.

[Courtney_Glenn]

This is an issue that has led me to have pretty severe depression. luckily, my head is in a good place and I'm pretty open about my CDing. I even wear Black polish and eyeliner to work. co-workers just think I'm goth or metro-sexual. keep your head up, we're all in this together. :)

[Sammy777]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not?

Yes I felt that way my whole life. Until I started to transition that is.
I'm feeling much better now that he is pretty much out of my life. :)
It's sort of like getting a divorce and getting to keep all his stuff :lol2:

[CINDYO]

Krista, I just read your post, your are young, you have a girlfriend that trusts you. Don't destroy the trust, don't hide who you truly are from here. Love her enough to be honest with her. She deserves that much. Let her know who your really are, and let her make an informed decision about the relationship. My husband told me of this many years into the marriage and let me tell you so much is destroyed. Put yourself in her position. Would you appreciate this deceit from her. Take this as suggestion as constructive, you both deserve a happy, honest place in life:)

[sometimes_miss]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not?
Welcome to the world of being a girl. Most women I've had relationships with had to get up extra early every day, pluck, touch up legs, put on make up, fix their hair (and that one was usually the killer; some took as long as an hour to straighten or curl their hair every-single-day), and basically dress up in a way that they usually wouldn't on their days off. We usually just take a quick shower, get dressed and go, with little attention paid to what we wear, other than maybe which tie to wear. Sure, some guys are finicky, but for the most part, we've got it pretty easy compared to the girls.
It's just something I keep in mind whenever I get tired of acting the part of a standard issue guy.

[jillleanne]

Good Lord, yes, in the past before coming out. That femme urge makes no exceptions because of your surroundings/circumstances. When the urge wants to show it's face, it does so with no consideration for you.
How did I handle that? I came out of the closet. Simple; there's no need to wonder. If you don't want to 'hide' in the closet, don't hide in the closet. Many are quite happy keeping their gender expressions at home, many are not. Those who are should continue that way, those not happy should come out.

[AllisonK]

I know how you feel...I was hiding "my dirty little secret" for most of my life. There is no way my family will ever take it good. They are really prejudice about everything. I am actually surprised that I didn't turn out that way. Guess I have a brain. lol. I hid it from my wife for 9 years. Then I finally just broke down and told her how I felt. It has been such a relief to know that I can do pretty much what I want without having to hide anything. No more packing away my things or borrowing hers to realize that most things are built for her not me. Ugh. Anyways, After I told her she told me she suspected it anyways. I didn't tell her soon though because I didn't want to hurt her and I was afraid of the way she would react. My situation is different of course but I was just relieved to be able to talk to one person about how I feel. That alone has worked wonders for me. It has also helped my relationship with my wife because now there are no secrets and it actually has brought us closer. We openly talk about things (good or bad) and work through them together now. I would advise you to tell your SO as soon as possible. If she is not ok with it, it will be devastating I know. However, you would not have dragged someone into a relationship that is filled with secrecy. I made the decision to tell and my only regret is that I waited. Even if I had lost her at least I would have been honest in the beginning.

[Kate Simmons]

It's all really part of a larger plan Hon. Those who "get it" move on and embrace the feelings and dichotomy to become full spectrum people. Then it only becomes a matter of choice as to how we present and how we feel.:)

[Karren H]

As far as "big plan"... I make my own plans! Lol. For me its not pretending.... And if it is I don't get tired of it. Or haven't yet. It is what it is... It's just clothing after all and when its appropriate to wear one type vs another. Doesn't mater what gender you are or what you present there's going to be limitations to what you can and can't wear. A balance between what you want and what you have to do... That's life... Deal with it....
God I sound deep! Shoot me.... Hahaha.

[kimdl93]

Of course I do. Althugh I dress full time at home, there are people and situations where I don't dress. And durint those times I feel that I'm presenting a false front. But this false front enables me to enjoy the other 90% of my time as I wish...so I can't complain.I handle it by keeping that in perspective.

As for why - for me, I choose who I share this part of me with, and its getting to be a fairly large group. I choose to go out in public, without worrying about those disapproving. Its a balance, still, but its not hard, really. Its a matter of finding a balance that works for you.

[~Joanne~]

It's worth mentioning that my SO outed me this summer to several of our good friends accidentally of course.

Sounds like another story to be told :) Probably because I am a curious girl lol

[KellyJameson]

I am not able to pretend because I have learned to do so causes me emotional harm. There must be reasons to live and the reasons are different for each person but for everybody they must answer the question from moment to moment "why should I continue living" because otherwise you are dying.

I give meaning to my life by having discovered what feeds my soul, music,nature,good food,art, hobbies like glass blowing and sailing but most importantly along with my spirituality is the discovery of a way to create harmony in my mind by creating my feminine image.

When this is your identity and you do not express it you live as a stranger to yourself with all the pain of anger,depression,despair,frustration,confusion that go with it, to pretend would be a slow death. For me relationships must come second concerning my relationship with myself otherwise I know I will look back on my life at the end and see it wasted by my own fear of taking the risk to be me, to discover me.

What kind of friend can I be to others if I'm a poor friend to myself and if I'm not myself who are my friends having a relationship with because than I'm nothing but a shadow with no substance. The more truthfully we live the more real we become and this opens the door to not only being known by others but knowing ourselves but this comes with the cost of rejection and sometimes loneliness. Two experiences we must become comfortable with if we hope to evolve into ourselves.

[suchacutie]

So far there's never been an ounce of pretending. I have a guy side and a girl side and they both are very real! I do wish I could have more time to understand my girl side, but I think I can continue to be patient. Life is complex and I'm sure that when the possibility become available she will take total advantage of it! Life is extremely full!!!

tina

[Stephanie47]

Being outed to an unexpecting house guest may induce a lot of stress for your guest and yourself. Being 'accidentally' outed to somebody who is not going to view your en femme personna is not the same as strutting into the living room or picnic in a flowing sun dress and high heels.


I wish it was so simple as being cautious when walking to the restroom. My SO didnt want to take any chances it was a boxers and t-shirt weekend just to be sure. I would like to know if anyone out there has just bit the bullet and outed themselves so that they could be comfortable at home. It's worth mentioning that my SO outed me this summer to several of our good friends accidentally of course.

[KlaireLarnia]

I don't pretend to be someone I am not. I am who I am and that is it. But I hate hiding part of me away from general sight. Recently this has got to me more and more but I am looking objectively at it and looking for ways where I can express parts of me without it being overtly obvious.

Thankfully my wife knows what I do and accepts it - but openly admits she does not understand. But like you when people are round I have go to full male mode which can be annoying. I have recently told my brother and sister-in-law what I do and as they are the most frequent visitors this should make like a little easier for me as well.


Sadly ours is a world of smoke and mirrors which we hide behind. While we are all waiting to come out of the shadows. The world has not sat down to listen to what we have to say yet.

K

[STACY B]

Of course I do. Althugh I dress full time at home, there are people and situations where I don't dress. And durint those times I feel that I'm presenting a false front. But this false front enables me to enjoy the other 90% of my time as I wish...so I can't complain.I handle it by keeping that in perspective.

As for why - for me, I choose who I share this part of me with, and its getting to be a fairly large group. I choose to go out in public, without worrying about those disapproving. Its a balance, still, but its not hard, really. Its a matter of finding a balance that works for you. Yea thats about what I do . Not full on male mode like running and putting on pants an boots ,, Maybe if I have on shorts an no shirt just put on some crocs, But im clean shaven an have long girly hair , But not putt it in there face but not cover up like a nut ,, Cuz here is the deal your in my house an supposed to be a friend or relative so dont make assumpions :2c::2c::2c::tongueout but you hit the nail on the head im with you 100% . .

[susan scott]

There is the hiding and the fear of discovery. I have been afraid that my dressing could cause embarrassment for my kids. Now two of three are in college and I am feeling that is now my time after waiting for so long

[Aprilrain]

She obviously doesn't know about it

This says it all right here, if no one knows then how do you know what their reaction will be? Aren't you assuming something based on fear? When in the course of history has that ever ended well?

to answer the OPs question though YES I have felt the what you describe, I lived in fear denial and self loathing for years even after a brief period of "coming out" to my wife as a "CD". the problem was I wasn't a CD so my internal need was not fulfilled by playing dress up in my room and sneaking around behind peoples backs. It nearly killed me, thank god I don't have to live that way anymore. I reached a breaking point and had no choice but to say screw it I don't care anymore what people think. Guess what most people couldn't care less. Loved ones are tough but no one has shunned me and at this point if they did i'd say farewell.

[Anna Lorree]

Krista, I just read your post, your are young, you have a girlfriend that trusts you. Don't destroy the trust, don't hide who you truly are from here. Love her enough to be honest with her. She deserves that much. Let her know who your really are, and let her make an informed decision about the relationship. My husband told me of this many years into the marriage and let me tell you so much is destroyed. Put yourself in her position. Would you appreciate this deceit from her. Take this as suggestion as constructive, you both deserve a happy, honest place in life:)

As a TG person who hid this entire side of myself from my wife for 14 years, I certainly have to agree with CINDYO. Be honest at the start, it will make things better later.

Anna

[Lorileah]

I used to pretend. I was pretty good at it too. In most cases now though, I will not hide it anymore. Funny how all the worries I had about "what others would think" didn't come true. Somehow, it is just more relaxing o be who you are. But I understand because there are some people in my life I just cannot tell. It isn't them, because in truth I have no idea how they will react, but more me. For years I thought I was the one driving and now I find out I am just a passenger on this ride. But one thing I do know, life is too short to stress out too much, and that makes it even shorter. Pajamas? I sleep in the nude, my guests would prefer I wore feminine pajamas ;)

[Barbara Ella]

The judgement you have to make is just who are the important people in your life that you want totally. those people deserve your honesty. There are others who have no need to know. Be honest. If your girlfriend is important to you she needs to know. If her presence cramps your style, and you feel it, she will pick up on it, and it will affect your relationship.

Be honest.

Babes

[Terri Andrews]

I am also tired of living a lie and if not for my spouse I would not care who knew ,as others have said life is to short .
There are times that the depression ,because of not being able to be who I am ,is almost overwelming .
I realy don`t think that most would care what I wear as long as I don`t force it on them

[RachelOKC]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not? I feel like half of my life is spent trying to be a person that I usually am not. I don't mean fully transitioning I just wish often that my CDing did not have to be so secret. I recently had a house guest and I found that it was a huge stress to hide my clothes and not wear my normal pajamas because it would not be ok. Has anyone else had such an issue that when they really want to be femme they couldn't because they had to hide what they really felt from another? How do you handle that? I always wonder why it is that we have to hide in the closet. It seems that Xders have the hardest time even in todays more accepting climate.

If you don't want to hide your crossdressing, then don't. Obviously there are consequences for outing yourself but you might be pleasantly surprised. You certainly begin to learn who your friends are, and are not.

I didn't like hiding things. I didn't like pretending that I was like every other dude. I didn't like segregating my TG friends and being ashamed of who they were. I didn't like having to be careful with my words. I didn't like being uncomfortable in my own home. I don't like being ashamed of who *I* am...and that's why I finally decided to come out.

I'm still in the middle of the coming out business and it's not easy, especially with some people I'm closest to. But with the people whom I have come out to, it's like a tremendous weight off my shoulders and I'm more at ease.

When my folks stayed with us last Thanksgiving for a week, I was as a girl much of the time and I have to tell you that it felt great being able to be myself in my own home. I'll admit, that even there I had a few reservations, but that was mostly that I don't want my folks to see me padding around in my nightgown! ;)

[giuseppina]

I have the same problems. My girlfriend is living with me for a couple months and it's nearly impossible to dress while she's here. She obviously doesn't know about it, and I can only dress up for a couple hours here and there when she works on the rare days I don't. Then it's always a rush to get all the makeup off and everything packed away before she gets back. Boo.

This is a long closed thread (link below) about how to tell your partner. Krista, it's better to tell your GF sooner rather than later, and definitely before a marriage proposal is made or accepted. There are some threads in Loved Ones about how our SOs are affected by not knowing, and it is generally not good.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner&highlight=

[sarahcsc]

I have the same problems. My girlfriend is living with me for a couple months and it's nearly impossible to dress while she's here. She obviously doesn't know about it, and I can only dress up for a couple hours here and there when she works on the rare days I don't. Then it's always a rush to get all the makeup off and everything packed away before she gets back. Boo.

I can relate to that too... my ex GF kept asking me why am I so absent minded and I always seemed to be drifting off. That's because I have packages of victorias secret underwear lying all over the place and I was anxious as hell. I'm so tired of pretending...

[bridgetta]

yep.. i feel the same.. its frustrating and sometimes i get irritated.. its hard to keep balanced and that struggle gets boring.. i think this is why i wrote that last thread a few days ago.. where people thought maybe i was upset at woman.. ,, its not woman,, its the monkey on my back.. crossdressing in secret.. its stressfull,, hiding something i do , always did.. and enjoy.. hiding it from someone i love.. even tho she knows.. ..

it would be great if collectively we could come up with a solution.. but we each have to walk our own path with this..

[Gretch]

Yes that's why I transitioned to be a woman because of the same thinking.

[Dawn cd]

Pretending and hiding are two different things, because even when a cd is out in public, dressed, she is "pretending" to be a woman. However her pretending is not hidden. The only way to stop pretending is to transition completely.

I try neither to hide nor pretend. I don't present myself as a woman but am openly androgynous: my hair longish, my clothes partly male, partly female, often wearing light makeup, and I carry a purse. Still, when my adult sons are home I usually skip the purse & makeup and carry a genderless shoulder bag. So I hide a little.

[WsprsOnTheWind]

I don't think this is limited to the CD but to all of us. Personally, I would love to be able to wear what I want out in public but that's just not acceptable. I realize that some do this but I (as many do) frown on seeing people in Wal-Mart wearing pajamas with rollers in their hair. I can't wear my worn out jeans and a sweatshirt to church on Sunday and I hated it when I had to dress up for work every day but I did it b/c that is just how it is. Society has rules and "norms" that we all are expected to live by. Of course we don't HAVE too. I could go to Wal-Mart in my PJ's but I don't want the looks and snickers and the uncomfortable feelings of being stared at and commented on. Not to mention all the jabs that would be said behind my back. So, I dress appropriately when it is necessary and then when I get home I wear what I want. It's no different for the CD than it is for all of us except it's just to a different level for the CD.

People who want to drink go to bars. People who want to watch football go to games. People who are hungry go to restaurants. CD's who want to go out dressed go to places where it is accepted. It is really no different than anyone who has a specific thing they wish to do. They find those places where their particular "thing" is accepted and they go to those places to get the fulfillment they seek for that specific thing.

So, to answer your question about pretending, we all have to "pretend" to a certain level. The real me wants to always go out in jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes. The reality of it is that there is going to be times that I can't always be the real me b/c sometimes we have to rise above and beyond the things we want to do and do what is expected of us. While I enjoy the comfy look the truth of it is I want to look my best when going to work, church, funerals, etc., and if that means wearing clothes that I don't particularly care to wear then that is what I am going to do.

[Misti]

Do you ever get tired of pretending that you are something that you are not? .... Has anyone else had such an issue that when they really want to be femme they couldn't because they had to hide what they really felt from another? How do you handle that? I always wonder why it is that we have to hide in the closet. It seems that Xders have the hardest time even in todays more accepting climate.

What a coincidence, Delila, I was right in the middle of reading your post trying to figure out just exactly how to respond to your OP when the door bell rang. OMG the answer to both, your OP and the doorbell, slammed, and I mean, S-L-A-M-M-E-D, right into my mind instantly. Simple answer to your OP is, yes! Long answer is, it just happened to me, again. :doh: Let me explain that a bit more. You see I go around the house "practically" 24/7 en femme (i.e., no makeup or wig), and in today's outfit, for instance, I was wearing (see pic) which I brazenly wore while taking out the garbage can to the curb for pickup, it's garbage day, you know. :heehee:
Now that doesn't seem like a big deal to a lot of our esteemed and courageous members here on the forum, but it's beyond huge for me.” :brolleyes: That was actually a "solo, 'damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead' in public first time for me;" and now, I feel exactly like Peter Finch in the movie Network, (the reputed inspiration for Eddie Chiles’s radio campaign), I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it any more (www.ktbb.com/youtellme/2008/05/15/how-mad-would-eddie-chiles-be-now/). Here I was proud as a peacock prancing around the house thinking that "finally I was making a breakout of the closet?" HOOAH! :devil: when the doorbell rang! BOOM, down to earth came I, in a "deadly crash." :Angry3:
Note. You can not, repeat NOT, do a three-finger salute in real life like you can on the computer (i..e., in Windows: CTRL-ALT-DEL = Re-boot) - dead is dead. Period (I tend to think in pilot terms, you see!). Slam went the closet door on me, and consequently my wife had to answer the doorbell for little 'ol quaking "M" (again please refer to the pic - yes, I know now that my right cuff was rolled up :o). Well, it's back to square one and that's why "I'm mad as Hell..."
See ya in the next post.... BTW I'll do better next time :D