Finally feel like I'm in control...

[danielletorresani]

Hey all,

I've been crossdressing since I was around 13 or so. Many of you know the cycle. Dress up for a time, purge out of guilt, repeat... I did this on and off for many years. I purged a couple of years ago and haven't dressed up since. I've still been coming here but haven't actively been dressing up for a long time. For me dressing is a sexual thrill, not an identity thing so I may see this whole thing differently than some.

Dressing up became a problem for me which is why I stopped the last time. I went on a 2 year streak of dressing up which is the longest I think I ever did. I usually do about a year or so of dressing then stop for a couple of years. This last time I went deeper into it than I did before, breastforms, wigs, makeup...never got that immersed in it. It came to a point that when I wasn't dressing up, I was thinking about dressing up. It interfered with my work, my marriage (wife doesn't know) and was stealing my time and attention from every single other thing in my life. I prayed and prayed and finally I felt like the addiction was gone and so I purged. That was two years ago...

My wife is leaving for almost a week in February and I knew that if I didn't have lingerie and dresses on hand just in case I got the urge (sometimes a wide open opportunity is all I need to get the urge..) then I'd regret it. So I went ahead and started replenishing a portion of my vast former wardrobe. It's been pretty exciting, like slipping into an old comfy pair of pants. For me, I have to have garters, thigh highs and stilettos to really feel like I'm crossdressing. If I don't have those three elements then I just never bother. Today I got the last of those three elements, the stockings. So after the wife went to bed it hit me that I could actually dress up if I wanted to. It was quite a nice time. The cool thing is that I don't feel the wracking guilt that I felt two years ago, and I also don't feel the obsession level addiction. If I can keep walking this middle ground then maybe this could work for a while. I'd like to dress up every 2 or 3 weeks to kinda get it out of my system, I'm thinking. I don't want to go crazy like I did before, you know? I have the misfortune of being too obsessive of a personality with some things which makes it hard to do many hobbies in moderation.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. Just wanted to express that I finally feel like I'm in control of my crossdressing instead of the other way around.

-Danielle

[danielletorresani]

One thing I forgot to mention is that I think I want to try to indulge as much as I can for the next year or so. My wife wants to start trying for a baby soon, and I decided that when I become a father I would rather have this part of my life permanently behind me. Blasphemy to say that, I imagine some of you are thinking, but that's how I feel. Whether I will succeed in that goal remains to be seen, but my goal it remains.

Thanks for reading!

[kimdl93]

Danielle, its your life, but there are a couple things that were red flags to me. 1) your wife doesn't know. 2) you were dressing up while your wife was sleeping, 3) after several purges, you are still harboring the illusion that you can turn this part off when you become a father. First, you wife will find out - either you tell her, or she'll discover. Both have risks, but the latter choice is loaded with bad potential. Second, your wife does occassionaly wake up at night, doesn't she? I can imagine her shock is she found you weren't in bed, the found you dressed in another room...likey to be a bad scene, and as for turning this off. Yes, it is possible...theoretically possible...that you could exercise great self control for the remainder of your adult life. But does your past experience, or for that matter, the accumulated experience of thousands of CDrs give you any reason for confidence in that assumption.

You can be a dad, a good husband and a CDr. But you have to be honest with your wife and find a practical balance. Besides, once you have a child you won't be able to afford purging!

[LeaP]

You are setting up a very bad future collision with your wife. She needs to know about this before having a child. You're playing with her life.

Lea

[Kerstin]

Wise words there from Kim. My guess is that the birth of your child might not be the catalyst for permanent purge that you hope it could be. In fact, all the usual stresses and strains of parenthood could in fact drive your urges to crossdress even more to the fore, as you find that you have less personal time than you did before the child was born, and consequently you might find it even more difficult to deny that part of yourself as you crave for some 'me' time. I wish you well :)

[Karren H]

Just when I think I'm in control.... My wife let's me know otherwise. I agree. You beter talk to her, soon...

[Stephanie47]

You cannot turn off your inner self by having a child. I would suggest moderation. A compulsive disorder, not matter what it may be, is counter productive. If your wife knows and is at least agreeable to a DADT relationship, dressing occasionally may keep you on even keel. When my kids were young and my wife was always at home, it drove me nuts. It wasn't until both kids were in school and the wife had at least a part time job, I felt fulfilled. I would take a therapy/sick day off from work and at least have seven hours to feel comfortable. Now as a retiree and the wife still working, I can be en femme whenever she is at work. That does not mean I am compulsive about being en femme, but, the pressure of not being able to express myself is not there. If you feel you can 'kick the habit' give it a try. However, recognize the stress when it arises and do NOT take it out on your wife and child.

[Laura912]

After a 37 year medical career, I can tell you the child alters the dynamics of the family. After a 70 year career in CDing, I can tell you it will not go away. Things might go better if you can find a balance between wife, child, and crossdressing. Some pacing like a runner will help. Is there too much "you" and maybe not enough "wife and child?" How would you feel if your wife or child found out about the CDing? Is there a risk that if, after having the child, your wife would find out and she would take the child and leave? Pour a nice adult beverage and think about all this especially what Kim and Kerstin said.
Laura

[Ellyn]

Great story. Best of luck with the baby and with a sincere wish for success with your goal.

[RADER]

Yes; I agree with all the post above. Sit down and have that talk.
There are other post on the forum that can help you with breaking the ice.
BUT DO IT SOON.
Purging might get rid of your clothes, But remember you will still see and be
in close contact with all your wifes clothes, so the temptation will still be there.
Yes when you have a child, your CD will be channeled to a certain window of opportunity,
but you will still have that chance. Go have that talk now, before the baby issue is brought
to the surface.
Rader

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Danielle, can I offer my two-penneth as a GG who has recently found out my husband of nearly 30 years is a CD'er.

I would say to you, tell your wife sooner rather than later. To many women this is a huge thing to find out. Better to hear it from you, where you can pick your time, and place, and rehearse in your mind what you will say. If your wife discovers you or your "stash" accidentally it could really go badly. The lies and deceit is what wives usually find most hurtful, whether that be about CD'ing, affairs, whatever. The truth, however painful is never normally as bad as constantly being lied to.

If you really love your wife and care about her feelings and wellbeing, you surely must tell her before you try for a child. She deserves to have the knowledge, and choice, in this. You may be surprised how well she copes with the revelation and may be accepting, but if she's not, then at least you both have the chance to work through this before adding one more human being to the complicated situation. Raising kids is hard enough without adding any further stresses.

I cant say if I would have still married my husband if I'd known about his CD'ing beforehand - I really dont know but what I can say is that the CD'ing wasnt the thing that hurt me, it was the knowledge that I'd been lied to and decieved for more than 30 years, the entire length of our relationship. It hurt like hell and still plays on my mind. That being said, I am glad he told me rather than let me find out accidentally. That may well have been the last straw for me.

From what I understand of crossdressing, this isnt something that you can just give up like smoking or drinking. Its part of your make up, its part of who you are. Let your wife meet the real you and make up her mind, in full knowledge, if she wants to go forward in your marriage and have a child with you. Every wife deserves that respect.

[KellyJameson]

Thank you very much Danielle for sharing your story, I'm on the otherside and for me it is all about identity and I have never been able to make it erotic even though I have tried and I find it fascinating that others do.

Some thoughts on addictions and obsessions.

Everyone is a potential addict in my opinion because we are wired for the pursuit of pleasure and avoidance of pain, a perfect recipe for creating addicts. For myself I have avoided obsessions and addictions by treating my mind a little bit like my stomach, it needs to be fed and you are what you eat.

Control by shear will power alone is exhausting but if you do not put all your eggs in one basket (crossdressing as your only source of pleasure) and teach your mind to be sensitive to many small pleasures instead of one or two big ones you should be able to avoid compulsive tendencies. Life needs to be a rich and diverse experience or it becomes painful and than pleasure takes on a uncontrollable need . We need to feed our minds pleasure just like our lungs need oxygen and our stomachs food but it is what we put into ourselves (experience) that decides what we are and become. Pleasure takes on a greater importance in a painful environment and addiction is like a firehose trying to put out the flames of our pain.

Hope my thoughts don't give offence, these are just opinions.

[Nikki75]

Danielle, I am a father of two and believe me, you say you want to purge CD'ing, and you might for awhile. But it will be in the back of your mind. Having kids doesn't necessarily turn off the desire (it may, we are all different). Having my first child may have distracted me for awhile, but the urges were still there.

You can STILL be a good man and dad, and enjoy wearing a dress and heels from time to time.

[susan scott]

I started dressing around 13. i was sure it would stop when I got married, then I was sure it would stop when I had kids. It didnt. Just recently,, with help, I finally figured it was better to accept part of who I am and embrace it rather then wish it away.

[Barbara Ella]

There are wonderful ideas here that you really should read and take to heart, Danielle. No one can know your internal resolve, but your desires have not gone away before. The added stressor of a child in the relationship is not likely to decrease pressures on you, so you are playing with fire on this one.

Be honest, bring your wife into your situation because this is not just your life, and it may soon include another person. Dont exclude them.

Babes

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Kelly can I just say that I find your thoughts very sensible and can see a lot of truth there - you sound like someone who has been through a lot and have learnt much, and you seem to be very perceptive too. :thumbsup:

[Foxglove]

Hello, Danielle! May I just say that from personal experience I know the desire to CD will not go away when you have a child. Like you, I thought I should give it up when my son was born, and that's exactly what I did--for a lot of years. That's a decision I now regret, because it put a lot of pressure on me and made me unhappy. I should have tried to find some way to accomodate my own needs. My wife knew about my CDing and didn't oppose it, so I think I could have found some middle ground if I had tried.

It's not "blasphemy" to want to give up CDing. I just believe it's wishful thinking. We are what we are. I think that for a household to be happy, everybody in the house has to be happy--and that would include you. Exactly how you and your wife and child will be happy together is for you to figure out. I, of course, am in no position to give advice on that. But I do think you should consider your own needs, along with your wife's and child's. It's up to you to decide whether you can give it up and, if so, what effect that will have on you. But I agree with the others in thinking that probably it's something your wife needs to know about.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[linda allen]

I haven't told my wife so I'm not sure I have the credentials to give advice but here goes anyway:

Dressing while your wife is sleeping? Bad plan. What happens if she wakes up and finds you parading around the house in breast forms, wig, and high heels? :eek: It would be easier to explain having another woman in the house.

If you want to dress when she's not home and you know she won't be home until a certain time, that's one thing, but there's still a risk. There's also the risk of her finding some of your stuff or noticing the bra marks on your chest. Or stray hairs from the wig.

As for quitting for good, a lot of people say you can never quit but people say the same about smoking and alcohol. If you really want to quit, you can quit. Nobody is forcing you to dress, it's totally under your control.

[Marleena]

Danielle you might think you are in control of it, but are you really?

Just something to think about.

[Mollyanne]

I myself have been in your "shoes" a while back and when I REALLY wanted to stop my cd'in (which I have not) I accepted the fact that I was "wired" differently, not bad just different!!!!! It was an "eye opener" for me to finally accept the fact that I wanted, liked and needed to dress as a woman. My final acceptance of myself was when I discovered that I REALLY wanted to be a female, but that would never happen, this I accepted as well. You know your spouse better then anyone else and holding back what you are hiding is not helping your situation. You could "feel out" how she thinks of men who like to wear feminine attire and then be guided by her answer but this too could NOT be the avenue open for the full disclosure. I sincerely wish you success in your internal struggle.

Mollyanne

[Jacqueline Winona]

Danielle, I really wish you luck, but urge you to consider the advice you're getting here. I'm another father, and I can tell you that while you might be able to put your CD feelings aside for a while, I don't believe they are ever going away for good, this is a part of you, and doing a 180 on yourself is just not possible. If you can't tak to your wife about this, please be careful, but consider telling her.

[danielletorresani]

Thanks for all your comments and suggestions. Sorry to disappoint you, but CD'ing is not something I ever intend to willingly share with my wife. I know it would end our marriage, and frankly it's just not a big enough part of my life that I feel I need to. It's on the same level (and sometimes synomomous) with masturbating. Though I watch porn and masturbate, I don't feel the need to tell my wife everytime I do it...

That being said, I promise I will think on all that you've said.

[Dionne63]

I couldn't agree more, I love my wife and share pretty much everything with her, but this is something that for the moment I need to keep to myself.