Coming out to adult children

[Abby Lauren]

Dear sisters
Having come out a long time ago to my wife and having seen her evolve to increasing tolerance and some acceptance, I am now seriously contemplating coming out to my adult kids. I was wondering if those of you who have already come out to their kids could share your experiences- good and bad- so that I have some more information to assess before deciding this issue. My main reason for thinking of this is that I have always been an open and honest person and prefer to live that way. My kids have seen me on the computer and seen how secretive I've been. I'm sure they have many fantasies about what I'm doing- eg. my son thinks I'm into porn- and I'd prefer to be who I am rather than be thought of as somebody I'm not. On the other hand, I don't want to hurt them.
I would be very appreciative of whatever help you can offer.
Love,
Abby

[Ellaine]

Abby :) Not sure if it's going to help..but my dDaughter was about 16 and Son about 22 when I "fessed up". Both were initially confused, as they thought I was going to say I had cancer! So with some relief they both said it was ok, initially. Then when they had an hour or two to think about it, the boy told me he didn't like it and didn't want to see me dressed. The girl said it made her sad but she just hoped I didnt want a sex change, otherwise she was cautiously accepting and never for a moment would stop loving me. Is that typical of the boy-girl divide? I don't know, but given that I cannot tollerate living a lie, or being unable to relax as I wish in my own home; I had to tell or risk making up lies about why we dont answer the door sometimes.
Our boy has a racist, homphobic side that I cannot understand, so we both have to play Tollerance!
Our Daughter has accepted more fully, but wont come shopping lol

In the end, they are all individuals and will react according to whats going on in their heads...teenagers! a dangerous mystery lol

Good luck hon, you gotta do, what you gotta do!

Hugs Ellaine

[uknowhoo]

Well, my boy is only 5 yrs old, so I have a while before I'll have to cross that bridge. It does seem to me, though, that each succeeding generation is, on average, more open and tolerant that the previous. That said, only you know them, Abby Lauren, and only you can know the wisest path. Oops, I didn't mention, it'd be a great idea to include the Mrs. in on these deliberations. Good luck to you, sis. Hugs, Tammi

[ronna]

I told my 20-year old daughter I was a girlie guy, but she looked confused and shrugged it off like so many inane things I say, and I decided not to elaborate on it any more, I'll just leave it at that for the time being

[Stephanie Kay]

I told all my kids (25 yo daughter, 22 yo son, 18 yo daughter) on the same day 8 years ago. I told them about keeping the secret for my whole life and the shame and guilt that I felt. They were very sympathetic but neither of the girls wanted to see me dressed and still don't. My son got married and he and his wife are very tolerant. They are both in theatre and meet lots of people who are different. They actually enjoy going to drag shows to admire the talent and my daughter-in-law who is a costume designer helps with the outfits. They have invited me to come for a visit as Stephanie and are genuinely looking forward to meeting me dressed. So things change, usually for the best.:)

[robinLynn]

i dont have kids to tell but i know what all u are all going through as my S/O people know know know it

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Abby

I told one of my boys about me. He's 31 and a career Navy man. I was so nervous about it all, but he listened as I explained things to him. I asked him if he thought I was weird, and he said no, he's cool with whatever works for me. We have a very strong bond between us, and he loves me no matter what. I think that's the key, people who do love you will still feel the same once they know.

GypsyKaren

[DonnaT]

My son (28) has no problems with it. My daughter (27) hasn't commented yet.

[Jenny Beth]

My daughter found out about me on her own. Her biggest problem was she was angry that I didn't trust her enough to tell her. There was more to it than that but I have to say if I could go back in time I would have told her. The reason I say that is because if you choose to tell someone, you have control over how and what it is you want them to know, otherwise they may jump to all sorts of conclusions. If you feel you want to be open with your kids I doubt they will be hurt, confused maybe but at least they will know you trust them. While for me it wasn't good in the begining things have changed and my daughter is very okay with it now. I wish you the same.

[Wenda]

Jenny makes a good point. If you make the statement, you are in control of the agenda, at least up to a point, and I think it is always better to come clean than to have them discover it somehow.
I told my 26 year old daughter via email about a year ago, and she then told me that her 29 year-old brother also dressed! Go figure. I chatted with him about it via email several times, and briefly in person. My youngest son, now 19 learned when my closet door (with a sticky latch) came open (when I was not at work) displaying 12 pairs of very non masculine shoes. (I dont think he saw the 5-inch stilletoes nor the 6 pairs of boots on hangars at the back of the closet). He spoke to his eldest brother who knew and said it was cool. I emailed him and apologized for the surprise. He said he was ok with it. He had friends that were into it, but he wasnt. I have found email a fairly comfortable medium for these exchanges. wenda

[Abby Lauren]

Dear sisters
It's so great to have your support as I contemplate doing something I never thought I would ever do. I'm feeling more and more empowered but I feel it's necessary to have my wife's agreement. What do you think?
Hugs,
Abby

[Stephanie Kay]

I did not tell my wife until after I told my kids. She wasn't very happy and felt left out. I don't know. I guess, if I were going to do it now, I would clue her in (but that's not asking her permission).:)

[Phoebe Reece]

Abby your kids knowing will impact your wife in some way, so she should be a part of the decision of telling. You might point out to her that it is better for the kids to find out directly under controlled circumstances than for them to find out accidentally and get some misunderstanding about it.
Good luck whatever you end up doing.

[Abby Lauren]

So, I asked my wife this morning- having dreamt last night that I had told them and that it went well. She was completely opposed- so I guess asking her permission won't work. I still want to proceed but now have the impediment of my wife's dissent. One of my TG friends thinks it's very selfish of me to impose this on my kids. I'm a little stuck at this point.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

It's true that by coming out, you may be placing your kids in the closet as well. OTOH, I can certainly understand wanting to be seen as who you really are.

I don't know if your wife voiced any specific objections, but given time perhaps you could defuse her concerns. In part I suspect she's worried about what your children will think of her for being married to a CD.

[Stephanie Kay]

... In part I suspect she's worried about what your children will think of her for being married to a CD.

I think you are right, Darla. My wife has told me she is afraid of what others will think of her if they knew I was CD. She is getting better, though.

[Olivia]

I told both of my grown children(daughter will soon be 26, son will soon be 24) about my crossdressing last february. I was very nervous about doing it and had thought about it a long time and sought help/advice here on the forum. My wife and I also discussed it and finally the decision was just up to me. Happily, it went very well. Both were so understanding. My son is currently living at home and he sees Olivia everyday; he is so damn cool with it. Never says a word about me being dressed, just acts like it's the most natural thing in the world. My daughter sees me less often and I think it's a bit harder for her when she does; and I might add that she never seen me as dressed as he has. Still, I am so proud of their reaction. Honesty has always been a big thing in our family and it was my desire to finally just be honest about who I am with them that drove the decision to come out. The way they've accepted me makes me feel like their mom and I did a pretty good job raising them too. Olivia

[Jenny Beth]

If your wife is opposed to telling your kids for whatever her reasons are you'd best drop the subject. Since you have acceptance to some degree from her there is no point in rocking the boat. Whether or not you ever get to tell your kids isn't as important as making sure you and your wife do not have conflicts over what she can't accept. One thing we all have on our side is time, there is no rush here and should your kids accidently find out you can honestly say it was your intention to tell them.

[Abby Lauren]

Hi gurls
Tonight, I raised the subject again with my wife. I said I really wanted to at least come out to my oldest child- a son, who's 36. Our relationship is basically sound although he harbors some ill will about some criticisms I shared with him in the past. I especially want to come out to him because he's mis-interpreted my computer time as being addicted to porn. I feel that CD'ing will probably be more acceptable than the former, although i really don't know. As a test, I came out to a woman friend i've known for 5 years who's my son's age and she couldn't have been kinder or more supportive. She told me that there is a generational issue here-ie. people her gae have experienced a lot more gender-bending than anything I experienced and it isn't such a big deal.
My wife seems to be relenting somewhat about her adamant refusal. So, it may actually happen.
Should I muster up the courage, please wish me luck.
Hugs,
Abby

[Raychel]

I have three sons, 18, 12, 11 years old. My wife and I have both agreed that it is best not to tell them. I am having second thoughts. I think that it would be easier for them if the did catch me dressed sometime. But on the other hand, Can they keep the secret from the rest of the world. So for now it will be just between my wife and I, I guess.

[Veronica E. Scott]

Comming out to adult children.

Don't know if this will help but this is my story!

In a few days my wife and I are going to visit with two of our kids over the christmas holidays and I had planed to tell them about their farher and Veronica,I had discussed this with my wife and she said that the kids had a right to know.By the way my wife knows about me and my dressing and is not excepting at all wants no part of it in any form or fashion.My wife is still struggeling with this issue for the last several months. So I thought when we get to NH I would get the kids togather and tell them We have 3 daughters,ages 38, 36,& 34 the oldest 2 live in New England the youngest in NC. Well the other day my wife said to me that she wanted to talk,that ment we were going to talk about cding which is ok with me hoping she was coming around with some kind of exceptance nope what she said was that she told our oldest daughter over the phone & her reason was that she was so depressed about my cding & that she had no one to talk to about this so she just blurted it out after my daughter asked what was wrong that she could tell that something was going on between me and my wife. I got very angry and up set with her for telling my gaughter. My wife also said that my daughter wanted to talk to me. I had talked to her a couple of times and nothing wes said then the other day the phone rings and it is my daughter and she said Dad I know about your cding and I want to talkto you about it.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather,what she said was that she was scared that she would loose her dad and that she had known for a while that things wern't good between her mother and me & that she had all kinds of thoughts going through her head and wanted to know. So I explained things as best as I could she also realised that her farther was the same person she grew up with just a little different than the normal farther she also is excepting and that if I wanted to visit her as Veronica it would be ok with her. This has put my wife in a tail spin and cant understand how she can be so excepting. Well I still have 2 other kids to tell don't know how that will go but I hope for the best.

[Holly]

Abby, first of all I want to wish you the very best. One thing the other girls have said is very important... you must include your wife in this matter. I have a daughter age 21 and a son age 23 and both know about my crossdressing. This (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11841&highlight=Daughter)is how she found out. I told my son several months later. His reaction was twofold, one-why did you wait so long to tell me, and two-why did you tell my sister first? They have both accepted it and our relationships have proceeded unharmed. You and your wife have worked hard to raise your children and instill values that the two of you hold dear. If you trust those values, then you already know what the outcome will be... and so does she. Let us know how it goes.

[Abby Lauren]

Holly
I can't thank you enough for the link to your prior thread. As others have experienced, I had tears in my eyes when I read what transpired because it was so beautiful. Your daughetr is wonderful but she is fundamentally a testament to the remarkable job you and your wife did in instilling the humanistic values of kindness, tolerance and understanding in both your children. You have every right to be very proud of them--- and yourselves.

I have received some feedback from a few TG friends that it would be selfish of me and harmful to my kids if I came out to them. I disagree and your post reinforces my conviction. I'd love to hear more stories to help buttress my confidence as I contemplate going ahead with this. But yours helped a lot.
Please accept my deepest appreciation.

[erica12b]

I want to put a thought in , (I have two boys 15,7, and I don’t dress any time there are around, but I do talk about people and tolerance) if and when you tell your wife it is between you two (how she takes it how she feels how you feel ect) when the kids come in to it then it’s a dynamic event (taking of sides , or picking one to support not the other , I could see where the daughter was ok and even wanted to support and the wife (not excepting) was hurt and now will feel out of place more because of the daughters excepting of dad cding. The more kids the more it could get messy, I think it is the right thing to do just more involved.

[Abby Lauren]

Dear Veronica
I am very grateful to you for sharing your difficult (but, ultimately, glorious)journey with us and me, particularly. My wife started out angry and depressed, too, but has come a long way- even though the progress was, many times, glacial. The fact that, despite your wife's angry imposition of your story on your daughter, your daughter could still be so accepting and supportive is a tribute to the love she feels for you, dear. That had to have been nurtured by you over the years and it is a very fitting reward for your efforts. It emphasizes to me that our children can be loving and accepting even when the circumtances of the presentation are far less than ideal. I'm sorry for both of you (you and your wife) that your wife is so unhappy about your CD'ing that she feels the need to be vindictive. I pray that she, like my wife, will come to understand more and, perhaps, not feel so threatened by your transgenderism.
I would never have believed, especially after my wife's initial reactions, that she could ever calmly discuss my TG'ism and even be helpful with clothes selection, jewelry, makeup, etc. We still have quite a ways to go but I am very heartened by her increasing acceptance.
Veronica, thank you, again.

[Abby Lauren]

Raychel, I will eagerly await how your situation evolves and Erica, thank you for your input. I agree with you about disclosing. I just hope it goes well when I do have a chance to speak intimately with my son and, if all goes well, with my two daughters.

[Abby Lauren]

Sorry for being long-winded but I wanted to express my appreciation for the other girls who've responded. I have valued everybody's input- Jenny Beth, Stephanie Kay, Olivia, Marlena, Phoebe Reece, Wenda, Donna T., Gypsy Karen, Robin Lynn, Ooh Tammi, Ronna and Ellaine. What a joy- and relief- to have such wonderful sisters to share these issues with.

[Veronica E. Scott]

Dear Abby

Thank you for your kind words it was not my wifes intention to be vendictive she was just at a low point that she didn't realise what she said until after she said it. Just this morning she asked me if I was wearing girlie panties and I said yes why so I told her haw they felt and I prefer them over boy shorts No heated discussion just talking makes me more hopeful every day. Who can say what will come tomorrow. Good luck with your decision which ever way you choose to go.Truthfully the choice is yours to make not your wifes.
Best of luck and thanks again

[freshfrankie]

Dear Abby(WOW! That would make a great name for an advice column!)
Hello ladies. I posted the same question a couple of months ago and received advice from all the great gals on this site. I came out to wife,well ex-wife since she moved out in october. My kids are 19 and 21 and are away at college. I decided against it. Although I'd love to tell them you never know how another person will take the news. I told my wife's two girlfriends about me a few weeks ago and one never called me back and the other read me the riot act. I remember words such as liar,deceitful and selfish. She told me if I were her husband she would of killed me. She made me feel sooooo special!:)
As for your situation I have to say one thing. I did speak to my wife about it and she convinced me not to do it. If you and your wife don't agree you can't morally and ethically do it. They are not only your kids but hers also.
I hope this helps and in no way I want to make you feel bad. I love all you ladies here. Whatever you do I wish you the best. Big hugs

Love
Jeannie

PS. The reason my wife convinced me not to tell our kids was that she said"If you tell the kids I'll kill you!" She's such a sweetheart! I l still love her in my own special way! .....The way out the door!

[JoannaDees]

I'm out to my eldest, 21, and she is absolutely cool about it. I do know my 16 you daughter knows, and she's cool with it too. My son? Maybe. He's just quiet and live and let live. My kids are SO cool! If you have a good relationship with yours it will probably all work out. I did always teach my children about tolerance ... and that Dad knows EVERYTHING! Well, they used to believe, but now it's just a silly joke!

[Abby Lauren]

Thank you Veronica, Fresh Frankie and Joanna. My sense is that my wife is slowly coming around and that my kids will not be devastated. However, I won't rush in to it.
On another front, I apologize to all of you for forcing you to do a 90 degree rotation of your head to see my avatar and pic. I will accept whatever advice any of you more competent than I (which probably means all of you) can offer to rectify this unfortunate situation. I wanted all of you to see what I look like so I didn't wait to post it.