Inna
02-09-2012, 09:50 AM
I have always doubted of false confidence fed into a psyche to make world seem better and more pliable then it really is. I had felt upon my own self the reactions of those who are indifferent to my situation yet visually had scrutinized what in their minds and eye didn't make sense.
Confidence was always my undoing, however, I would go into the inferno simply because the need to express my inner being was way stronger then any weird look, critical gaze, or rejection expressed in laughter.
I have gone through all the stages of near acceptance and passability until I had arrived at the serene place of stealth, and 100% passabiliy.
Mesmerizing feeling of being your self and being allowed the freedom and quiet comfort of expression so denied before without critique or rejection in any form, in fact now, tables had turned I occasionally turn heads but for a different reason, and it feels exceptionally good, as though my quiet revenge!
But confidence? I had tried this confidence before and you know what.....it sucked! Didn't change a thing, I was still read the same. I am sure that self acceptance and confidence in a person, project poise and strength and so they are read with somewhat respect more so, then someone shying away from anyone's gaze becomes an easy target, I agree! But thinking one shall become more passable because of it....I don't think so.
Now when I had traveled the path and just entered the passable zone, I am starting to get confident because I am reinforced by actions of others. I am not sure it is possible the other way around, but then, I don't know that much.
In my book, never stop the quest to finally be your self, and if that involves absolute femininity and womanhood, then pursue it with a vengeance as though it is grander then life it self. when in doubt, cry, get on your knees, vent and go on seeking self, relentlessly, selfishly and despite the lack of confidence which shall come in time........IT SHALL COME!!!!
Confidence was always my undoing, however, I would go into the inferno simply because the need to express my inner being was way stronger then any weird look, critical gaze, or rejection expressed in laughter.
I have gone through all the stages of near acceptance and passability until I had arrived at the serene place of stealth, and 100% passabiliy.
Mesmerizing feeling of being your self and being allowed the freedom and quiet comfort of expression so denied before without critique or rejection in any form, in fact now, tables had turned I occasionally turn heads but for a different reason, and it feels exceptionally good, as though my quiet revenge!
But confidence? I had tried this confidence before and you know what.....it sucked! Didn't change a thing, I was still read the same. I am sure that self acceptance and confidence in a person, project poise and strength and so they are read with somewhat respect more so, then someone shying away from anyone's gaze becomes an easy target, I agree! But thinking one shall become more passable because of it....I don't think so.
Now when I had traveled the path and just entered the passable zone, I am starting to get confident because I am reinforced by actions of others. I am not sure it is possible the other way around, but then, I don't know that much.
In my book, never stop the quest to finally be your self, and if that involves absolute femininity and womanhood, then pursue it with a vengeance as though it is grander then life it self. when in doubt, cry, get on your knees, vent and go on seeking self, relentlessly, selfishly and despite the lack of confidence which shall come in time........IT SHALL COME!!!!