Ive written a letter to my parents, which I will read out to them.

[Melissa Jill]

Seeing them this afternoon, Im gonna bribe my sister to leave the house for a couple of hours so I can do this. This is what I'll say:

Mum, Dad.

I know I don't say it often enough but I love you both and I respect you a lot. As you know for the past year Ive been depressed and though it was caused by other factors such as lack of job and such, I know now it is strongly linked to the fact that I am transgender, a woman.
I have questioned it for a while now and a series of events occured last year which caused me to almost kill myself. I didn't realise at the time why I almost did this, but I know now it is because of my gender.
Since accepting myself I have never been happier and I know it is a lot of me to ask but I need your support.

Ive kept it brief, because I don't want it to be too long as I know they will have lots of questions they want to ask, but there were a couple of things I felt that I realy had to say before they asked them. Any thoughts?

[Persephone]

Hi Melissa,

Your letter is very straightforward. Please let us know how it goes, we'll be rooting for you!

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Melissa Jill]

Well that went badly. They cried, they couldnt understand it and I feel like a complete ******* for making them feel like that.
They were there crying and I wasn't. I just felt empty...

[suzy1]

I’m very so sorry Melissa.
Its no ones fault of Course. It’s probably imposable for them to understand.
Perhaps in time you will be able to talk more about it and help them to understand.

I think it’s a matter of how close you are as a family. Strong love between family members will overcome most problems.

It’s a sad story Malissa. I feel for you.


All the best, SUZY

[Kelsy]

Mellisa,

After the initial shock has passed It might be helpful to re-affirm how you feel for them and offer them some kind of educational material to help them cope! I'm sorry that you had to endure that type of response it is very painful. Give your self some time to recover and move forward best you can! This journey has some extreme ups and downs but it does get better!!

Hugs Kelsy

[Gerrijerry]

when family finds out or is told. There must be a time for them to learn to understand. Give them the time to do that. It takes time for others to accept change. I am sure they still love you very much. After a few weeks ask your mom how she feels and if she is ready to help you with support. If she says no give it a few more weeks and try again. Go slow that is what is needed now.

[Nicole Erin]

Well, the coming out is the hardest part. At least that is out of the way, however bad it went.
Now you can work on helping them understand things and they will maybe have questions.

On the other hand, they might not want to talk about it and try to sweep it under the rug the way parents tend to do sometimes. Like the time when we were kids and they found our sister's dress hiding under our bed or caught us wearing it. they would say something then just drop it. Not like most parents who can drudge up crap for years to come.

But anyways, at least it is out in the open. Unlike hateful spouses who want to divorce when this comes to light, they are still your parents and you are still their kid.

[Persephone]

Sorry to hear that it went down hard, Melissa. Like others have said, it will take time for them to understand that their daughter loves them just as much as their son does.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[arbon]

Melissa - You did what you felt you had to do. It was a big step. You can't control how people will take it, you can't own their reaction - thats their deal. You can only tell them your truth. They will live. Give it a little time for them to process, it is far far from being over.

[AudreyTN]

Well that went badly. They cried, they couldnt understand it and I feel like a complete ******* for making them feel like that.
They were there crying and I wasn't. I just felt empty...

oh girl, I am so sorry. Wish I had seen this before you told them. The best way to help them understand what you're going through is to educate them. I would have linked some things for you to print off and let them read, and that might have helped lesson the blow on them and you.

But if they care, and love you, they'll be there for you, it might take some time, but educating them on what you are fighting through is the key to helping them to understand, the rest just takes time. hang in there.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Melissa,
If you were my child, I would love you no matter what.

As we say in the US, I'm "small peanuts" compared to you. I outed myself to my folks by sending a photo of me that I inserted in a copy of a Beatles album that I gave to my folks more than a week ago. I haven't had any discussion with them regarding my situation, but they keep calling me all the time since then, and the affection seems to have magnified. Not sure what it's about, but I'll figure it out soon.

I'm a crossdresser that goes out regularly in public. However, anyone that considers themselves as transsexual has my deepest and utmost support. My struggle is nothing like yours.

My ears have heard quite a few friends' stories of transitioning, and the challenges & battles of family life.

Anyway, peace & love.

[Starling]

Sorry you had to go through that, Melissa, but you have indeed done the hardest thing, and it probably wouldn't have made much difference had you presented it another way. It's the idea, not the words. Give them time to reflect on how much you all mean to each other.

:) Lallie

[Jonianne]

I'm sorry Melissa. Hopefully, the fact that they cried shows their love for you and that they just fear losing the relationship. Just let them know that you love them and that you are still their child and that you are still you.

[~Emma D~]

Hi Melissa
I was so sorry to read what happened.

Telling parents that your transgender couldn’t have been easy and there reaction is so sad. You have to remember that you told them for the right reasons.

Hopefully, they will listen and learn to understand your feelings, and that this is about you and not them. If they can’t accept it, be clear in your mind that you are not at fault, and don’t let their response convince you otherwise.

Also, bear in mind, it could have been a lot worse, they didn’t throw you out the house, hit you or vow never to speak to you again. Tears are more reflective of their love for you, so you have hope, just take it slowly with them for now and they may come round when they realise this is who you are.

[Melissa Jill]

To be fair, they took it better than I thought they would. When I say it went badly, I just mean...well, it was always going to go badly really. They were never going to be happy about it or anything. But compared to other parents reactions I would say this went pretty well.

[Melody Moore]

I don't think it went badly at all even though they cried and all. "Badly"
is when they order you to get out of their home and never to return.

What you got was the typical grieving parents go through when they feel
they are losing a son or a daughter. You need to reassure them that you
still are the same person, and you love them regardless of what gender
you are. It appears your parents are still dealing with a lot of shock & grief.

The more I think about it & examine this thread, the more I
feel that the decision to write this letter and present it to them
was rushed because you obviously did not wait for any feedback
from other members of this forum before proceeding with this.

People need time to digest this and there is a whole range of emotions
they will go through to process all of this and you need to be patient &
don't push them or you might just end up pushing them further away.

One comment I have about your letter that I would not have used the word
'transgender'. This word being an umbrella term is too confusing for others
to grasp any sort of concept about who you really are and what is involved
in dealing with these issues. If you are 'transsexual', then use this term so
others can look it up when they are ready and get a better understanding.
If you don't define yourself more clearly then they might believe that you
are just a crossdresser or another fetishist. Saying you are transgender
only adds the confusion if they start to do their own research this issue.

I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or not, but by the way this letter
was prepared I suspect that you are not seeing anyone or that would have
been something else that you could have also mentioned in your letter.

Dear Mum & Dad,

For the past 6 months I have been seeing as psychologist to help me with an
issue that has affected me my whole life, but I have always repressed. This goes
back a very long way and if you recall the time, bla, bla, bla (background history).

I also don't think you are in therapy because you would have told them about this.
Being in therapy when you come out is one of the best things you can do because
first of all they could have helped to prepare you better for this, even helped you to
write the letter, then they are there as well if things do go badly. But I think you are
very ill prepared and are rushing into this and you really do need to slow down or things
are just going to keep getting worse. Hopefully a few more people will elaborate further
with their feedback, but so far I have not seen any really constructive feedback that is
really beneficial to you. I think before you come out you need to understand the emotions
that family go through before you write a letter because these are all things that need to
be addressed. Here are the things in order that parents have to typically deal with before
they will really accept you.
Shock - Grief - Guilt - Confusion>
Good: Understanding - Acceptance
or Bad: Anger - Denial - Rejection
The most crucial & pivotable point is in the confusion stage, this is where it either goes
good or bad and so far I see nothing in your letter to help your parents with any of this.
You must also remember that it is very hard to turn things around once it does go bad
and there is not a whole lot you can do but to leave things well alone & just walk away.

Keep in touch with your parents or send them a card on Birthdays & other important
events to let them know you are alive, you love them. This way they will now that you
haven't shut them out of your life & often makes them re-examine their own situation.
Hopefully n time they may gain a better understanding about who you are and why you
are the way you are and finally be able to accept you. Don't push it and always answer
their questions if asked. Education is key, so sending them resources can help if they ask.

Being affirmed and confident in your decision is important and you have not demonstrated
any of this. Should you have also mentioned that you were in therapy and having treatments
this shows that you have been trying to find the best ways to deal with this. There is no cure
for transsexualism, only transition so that is the end of that story. However having said that
most parents just want to be sure that you are doing the right thing & that you will be happy.

I think if you write a letter, make it as informative as possible, highlighting everything you
have been through and what action you have taken to address these issues. You also need
to present the letter to them and give them time and space to digest it at their own pace.
In this case it certainly appears to me that you rushed in and put them right on the spot.

If you are more mindful of their emotions & take all these things into account when you
draft up your letter then I believe that you will get a more desirable result to help your
parents get over the more difficult phases in this process. The process is similar but not
the same for coming out to partners, because with partners they have to also go through
transition in their sexuality and social life etc. So my advice is talk to a therapist first!

[Melissa Jill]

I don't know if you are seeing a therapist or not, but by the way this letter
was prepared I suspect that you are not seeing anyone or that would have
been something else that you could have also mentioned in your letter.

Dear Mum & Dad,

For the past 6 months I have been seeing as psychologist to help me with an
issue that has affected me my whole life, but I have always repressed. This goes
back a very long way and if you recall the time, bla, bla, bla (background history).

I also don't think you are in therapy because you would have told them about this.
Being in therapy when you come out is one of the best things you can do because
first of all they could have helped to prepare you better for this, even helped you to
write the letter, then they are there as well if things do go badly. But I think you are
very ill prepared and are rushing into this and you really do need to slow down or things
are just going to keep getting wors

I have seen a psychiatrist who referred me to the GIC and I came out to my parents on his suggestion.
And I told them everything, including the therapy. The letter was just the beginning of the talk I had with my parents. Not the entity of it.

[morgan51]

Just give them time and patience they will come around more than likely after some thought and reflection. Hugs to you. Morgan

[Melody Moore]

Well that is good Melissa, but none of this has been indicated in your earlier posts.

However I think that time & reassurance is the most important thing your parents
really need now. As I said answer their questions, keep them informed and involved
if they are interested and provide them with the information & resources they need.

As I said, I did not think it went badly, but reading your letter, and seeing that you went
ahead with only the feedback from one member had me concerned that this was rushed.

Hopefully after all the dust has settled things after the bomb that you dropped, it will be a lot better.
Good luck :hugs:

PS: Hopefully my long post can provide some other useful advice to someone else coming out anyway ;)

[Krististeph]

Reading it out loud (to yourself first) is very important- helps you make sure that others understand what you are saying.

Just remember- not everyone is as cool as your therapist- if your parents go off at first- let them. Give them a chance to freak out a little. then try again.

Mine- they were just beyond getting it, i never bothered telling them. Too old school, too blue collar. Too bad, they were not dumb, not really. they did see a number of my successes out of the blue collar world before they passed away, enough to know that it was not going to end well for them if they argued with me about my TG. (I think they had a clue, my sibs do, but it's a 'family secret' i guess, the F^&*ing fools.)

I've found most other people's parents come to terms with it quite well, given time, support, and a lot of love. I do this with my students- I tease and joke with them (they are all adult students), but woe be to the poor fool who messes with my students for real- I've had people (including a tenured professor) kicked out of the college for impropriety and inappropriate stuff...

Ironically, my dad has helped me learn patience and tolerance. Student comes into class stoned on weed? Keep him away from the lab equipment- get a few other students to help keep an eye on him, let him know it is not a good thing to do , but other than that- live and let live. College should be a place to make minor mistakes and learn from them. Hundreds of my students agree.

I wonder what they would say if i ame out as a CD? Probably say 'it did not really surprise me'. but the subject is not in the social science realm, so it may be a bit before i involve a non-related subject to affect the subjects i teach.

keep in touch- with your therapist- parents- and us, please! I hope we are a suport to you- but remember- you are also a support to us- telling us your story- it really makes a difference-

'Chippenham' & 'mum' i assume you are in the UK or on the isles? i'm sure it's a bit different there than in the US, but we do have that 'special relationshp', and we are all pulling for you here, i promise you that! Let us know how things progress... oh yeah... and...

GOOD FOR YOU MELISSA!!! :cheer::cheer:

[david]

Having read your letter i can understand not only how you feel but also how your parents are now feeling as this must have come as quiet a shock to them.It is allwase going to be difficult for any person who is transgender to try to make others under stand the pain that you feel inside knowing that you know without a doubt that you feel like a woman inside but are a man who shoud have been born a female.This must have led to to your depression and thoughts of suicide but can i tell you all this will pass i do know what i am talking about as i went through a similar rough path like yourself until i got the courage to admiit to my so that what my true feelings were that i felt more female than male inside.For myself it was like a huge burden had been lifted from my shoulders and i am now living my life as a trans woman with my wifes understanding that if this makes my life better then she woud go along with it.Result understanding on both parts of the question of sexuality of the person involved.Be happy melissa jill i know you will have a good life being your self at last. davinaxx

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Well done!!
You did it!!!!!!

think about it...your whole previous life is behind you... you cannot control the result... you are doing what is right and necessary for you...

Other than the raw emotion of it, I would not put much into initial reactions,,,Life is LONG...now you are taking your first steps to actually live it. If your parents can't be there for you, it is a problem you need to deal with..It may make it much harder, but it doesnt change that you did what you needed for yourself..