The World Didn't Fall Apart Today (very long)

[LeaP]

A Tale of Shoes

I bought a new pair of shoes at DSW the other day. Simple things. Bare Paws flats. Not exactly a Mary Jane, but close. Black, round toe with a criss-cross pattern, pretty strap with a button on the side.

Being of a mind to push myself a little, I decided to wear them today - all day. I dressed as I often do on weekends, (women's) jeans & top. A sweater on top lets the top peek out, but that's it. This combination normally attracts no notice (except for one incident at Nordstom), but the shoes added an overtly, noticible female touch.

After a short stop at the transfer station (dump), I immediately started doubting my resolve. "Go home!" "Change your shoes!" "Run!" But I ignored myself. Something I should do more.

The first stop was the Post Office, where I had to put in a form to stop mail for a week. Saturday, crowded, local. So I sat in the car for several minutes to screw up my courage and went in - taking the discreet path behind the bushes. Uh-oh, long line. So I waited and shuffled. I tried to hide my feet. I focused intently on my phone. (I was reading CD.com, in fact, something I did through the day.) Hiding my feet didn't work so well when I got to the counter. It felt like every eye in the place behind me was focused on my feet. I filled out the form, gave it to the clerk and left, without making eye contact with anyone. If anyone noticed, *I* didn't notice them noticing. Too scared. Hmmm - I lived.

The next stop was a bigger step out of my comfort zone - a lot bigger. I went to a wig shop. I was determined NOT to think, so I got out of the car immediately and went in. I walked in to find the shop full! Instant panic! I didn't expect that. So I wandered over to a corner where there was a display and basically kept myself busy until the place cleared a little, including, again, scanning CD.com.

Someone finally approached. "I understand from your website that you are TG friendly?", I said. "Yes, how can I help you?", said the SA. And I proceeded to tell her that I needed a wig and knew nothing about them. She took me to room B and we started trying things on. She was basically OK, though perhaps a little awkward. I was sort of mortified, but persevered. I settled on a sort of nice Barbra Streisand-ish number, and it was 50% off. Only one downside - I can see my sisters strongly in the mirror looking back at me! (to be expected, I suppose)

At the counter, the owner engaged me in conversation, asking me "Do you know Dr. zzzzzz?" She is a local TG family practitioner and who runs support groups. I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to sign up for mailings (I did), and then asked "Do you go by another name, too?" I said "Lea" - first time used outside this forum, and she noted it down with my email address for her contacts file. It was a lovely, comfortable ending. She was as nice and warm as she could be. After which I went to my car and teared up a bit. (and again now, thinking about it)

I was already tired. The voices came back. "You don't need to do anything more today." "Wait until tomorrow." "Change your shoes ..." I ignored it. Don't think. Drive.

I needed to get something to eat. I wasn't going to settle for drive-through. The point was to get out in those damn shoes! So I stopped at Barnes and Noble and ate there, and also checked out some books and magazines. Got a minor glance by a couple of women at my feet. No problem. And it, too, was jammed. But as I ate my bagel at the table, I sort of hid my feet, too.

Next up - Sally beauty supply. Also full. Piece of cake. I had my shoes checked out, but I have a fairly good idea of what they would probably assume (e.g., that I was a gay hairdresser or something), especially given that I was buying nail color and hair care items. Its a comfortable place to be non-conforming, as evidenced by the highly-tattooed SA at the register. I complimented her on her bat tattoo. (It was pretty.)

That brings me to the mother load. Brooks Brothers. Yup - I was going to walk into a bastion of male dress in my Mary Janes, and into a store where they know me by name. I also had to walk through the mall to get there. I had some hesitation at Nordstrom's. The same elevator lobby where I got clocked a few weeks ago was full of people - and teenagers - again. A few glances, but no reactions.

I have to confess that I walked rather closely behind some people through the mall ... figured people wouldn't see those shoes. Got to Brooks and after a wait (CD.com again!), I conducted my business (exchanging several items). No reaction from the salesman, who did notice. One woman checked out my shoes too as I walked out of the dressing room. No reaction at all. Victory!

I left Brooks Brothers, hit a couple of other stores and went to leave. By this point, I was getting very comfortable. And all the verbiage in this post is really to this end: I started feeling different, like ME. I didn't care who noticed anymore (mostly). And I started feeling good wearing my shoes. I love these silly shoes. They feel like me. They don't matter and they're trivial, but they do and they're not! A little bit of me, out there in plain sight, no front. Not comfortable, exactly, but not hidden. And I'm tearing again.

The forum was something of an anchor throughout the day, giving me an external focus and lending support. I had several PMs, more than usual. To the support point of the forum, these meant a lot today. My stress over this was through the roof. To all of you who go out regularly, this must seem really over the top. But it was an important baby step (in shoes, no less) for me. And it yielded something new in self-understanding. And the world didn't come to an end.

One bit of comic relief. I realized as I got close to home that I was so focused on those shoes that I never worried for a single second whether my bra straps were showing ...

Lea

[sexygal]

I had the same fears when I bought my first pair of shoes. Igot a pair with a 2" heel and had no trouble with purchase but had to go about 3-4 blocks to my car. Threw caution to the wind and wore those shoes out the door and to my car. Once behind the wheel did I feel my heart pounding.

[RenneB]

That story is soo great Lea. Once the butterflies leave completely, you'll get dressed, head on out, do your errands...do a little shoppin and as you're passing a window, stop to take notice of the cute lady looking back at you in the reflection and think... hey that's me ....

Thanks so much for sharing your story... I love being a daywalker....
Renne.....

[STACY B]

Oh how I just love that story . But the main lesson learned is the more ya do it more YOU can see that its realy not as bad as we thought . We realy have some dam nerve if ya think about it ,, What make us think that everybody in the world is looking at us anyway. Its becuz we are looking at everybody else ,,, An most of the time if you mind your bizz all others will do the same. Hell aint no body cares what kind of shoes we got on DAM !!! Its realy silly once you go out an do it. But its not to dam funny at first ,, But after its all over you can just have a good laugh :heehee::heehee::heehee: An then :daydreaming::daydreaming: About just how far this little lady will push it next time ?? An before ya know it just like she said yull be looking at your image in the window an seeing that lady looking back at you an saying see looks great . :thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

[elizabethamy]

You're brave! And one good event led to another...yay for Lea!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Good for you, Lea! You're story is inspiring to those of us sitll working on that kind of courage.

[Rachel Flowers]

I wish I had the guts to use this story in my confidence-building courses! This is how all confidence is built, by taking the leap with peer support. Absolutely well done you, hun!

[Jonianne]

.....By this point, I was getting very comfortable. And all the verbiage in this post is really to this end: I started feeling different, like ME. I didn't care who noticed anymore (mostly). And I started feeling good wearing my shoes. I love these silly shoes. They feel like me. They don't matter and they're trivial, but they do and they're not! A little bit of me, out there in plain sight, no front. Not comfortable, exactly, but not hidden. And I'm tearing again.

The forum was something of an anchor throughout the day, giving me an external focus and lending support. I had several PMs, more than usual. To the support point of the forum, these meant a lot today......And the world didn't come to an end.

This forum has made all the difference in the world. The strength I have gained here, just by being able to talk things through and listen and take in others advice and experience has been life changing. I have went toe to toe with about my TG with a pastor of a church I thought I wanted to join. (years ago, I would have been mortified to even think they might find out!) I now carry my purse with me to most anywhere (I carry so much stuff in it now, how did I manage without it, before?) and not think (much) about what others think.

Congratulations on being strong enough to openly admit to others that you are feminine.

[Kerstin]

What a wonderful post :thumbup: And very reassuring too. I've yet to go out en femme and it's great to read about others ovecoming their worries. So often it turns out there was nothing to worry about at all.

[Patsy]

Well I'm glad others have found the strength. I worry a lot. I haven't gone out en femme for many reasons. I like my job and don't want to lose it, I like my girlfriend and don't want to lose her. I think, probably, I could give a passable imitation of a female. But I don't know, the proof is in the testing I suppose - do it, don't do it - I'm torn between making a perfect impression and just going out, and being some kind of freak.

[LeaP]

That story is soo great Lea. Once the butterflies leave completely, you'll get dressed, head on out, do your errands...do a little shoppin and as you're passing a window, stop to take notice of the cute lady looking back at you in the reflection and think... hey that's me ....


I'm not waiting for the butterflies to leave completely. I'm going from training wheels to formula 1 (referencing another thread here) in a go. On Tuesday, I'm driving from New England to FL dressed. I keep writing this in posts so I'll actually DO it because, frankly, I'm scared to death.

I wish I could achieve the cute lady bit, but alas, not in the cards for me. I'm neither male handsome nor female cute - got the worst of both worlds. On the other hand, I never liked my appearance anyway, so no change in that regard!


Well I'm glad others have found the strength. I worry a lot. I haven't gone out en femme for many reasons. I like my job and don't want to lose it, I like my girlfriend and don't want to lose her. I think, probably, I could give a passable imitation of a female. But I don't know, the proof is in the testing I suppose - do it, don't do it - I'm torn between making a perfect impression and just going out, and being some kind of freak.

I understand this completely. Many of us feel like freaks of nature internally, and we don't wish to telegraph that to everyone who sees us. A certain percentage of the general population will see us this way regardless of perfect the presentation and it's one reason transsexuals often live in "stealth" (This is a common term, but I dislike it because it implies you're being something you're not).

I'm also aware that many people reading this thread immediately react thinking something like "I'd NEVER wear women's shoes presenting male. What a freak!" (substitute "weird thing to do" or any other such phrase) The deal is this: I have no interest in being perceived as a clown, either. I wouldn't walk out in a dress presenting as male. More power to those who do, but it's not for me, and it ups the ante on the social perception. But minor touches like shoes and bags and such are only going to be perceived as quirks. Heck, I saw a woman leaving Sally's Beauty yesterday in bright blue velour sweatpants, jacket covered with big printed flowers, and orange sneakers. My shoes were conservative!

The biggest barrier to getting over feeling like a freak, an alien, a monster, a tragedy, a mistake, less than, etc. is to realize that what you are is real and valid. Something tips over in the psyche at some point where what was shamefully hidden away wants to assert itself. I'm here. I'm me. I want to live. (I think!)

Lea

[Barbara Ella]

What a wonderful story, and the posts that have followed. We all can accept that the workd outside us is not all that concerned with how we look, and story after story about how the public just notices, but keeps going, far outnumber the times when someone ridicules us.

That said, it is indeed that internal infernal demon doubt that makes us think like a freak, weird, etc. We keep telling ourselves that those thoughts are not true, and we are being true to ourself, our real self. And I truly believe I am not a freak, or weird, as do most of us. Yet it is the continual ringing in the ears from that infernal internal beast of doubt that keeps us from doing what we would like and need to do. Just our own internal thought machine that can only be turned off in one way.

Congrtulations Lea, and others who go out, push the boundary, begin to ignore the voices be forcing yourself to be in those positions where there is something more important (to our well being, perhaps not to the world) to do than listen and debate. I can only hope my time will come, as I hope others will get to do what they long for. I am not there yet, in spite of a totally accepting wife. We are going slowly. I am still on a high from her asking to sit down with me totally femme with makeup and wig, and spend the night talking, drinking and watching a movie together. That internal infernal voice did get a little smaller last night.

Hugs to all, Babes

[Tania D]

Lea
Great story, I have recently finished my fourth trip out and it does get easier. So far I have had only pleasant experiences although I did encounter 2 giggling teenage girls on my last shopping adventure but all of the other ladies were not bothered