What is wrong with me?

[Anne2345]

Over the past year or so, in an attempt to discover the truth about myself, I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy pushing past and breaking through mental barriers, self-deception, and personal repudiation. The road I have travelled has been raw, brutal, difficult, and quite emotional. I have written much about my experiences travelling this road on this forum.

During my journey, I have been obsessed with tearing down my inner defenses, and exposing to myself the total and complete genuine, authentic person behind the curtains that I supposedly am. Having accomplished my goal in part, and almost cursedly so, I now recognize that the entirety of my adult life time has been spent in absolute, unmitigated denial and suppression. Clearly, I am not alone in this experience, but such knowledge does not always ease the sometimes immeasurable and seemingly unbearable pain. In this, I hurt. I hurt much.

Or at least, until recently, I hurt. Now, not so much. In this, lately I do not feel much pain. I do not feel much confusion. I do not feel much distress. I do not feel much of anything, actually. In other words, I kind of feel dead inside, and practically devoid of emotion. I do, however, suffer. I suffer from fear, the unknown, and the indeterminate. I suffer because I am unsure I can successfully straddle and navigate the middle road between the two genders.

I have been given advice to seek out and obtain more life experiences in regard to my GID. However, I am afraid of doing so. And I believe I am shutting down as a result.

I have experienced raw, flowing emotion for so long now that I also believe I am burnt out, if that is possible. Perhaps I need a vacation from myself. In any event, I believe I am subconsciously attempting to resurrect old defenses, defenses that cannot and will not work again. I have been too honest with myself on this journey, and there is no going back from that, as much as I wish it were possible given the potential ramifications.

So what is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself? What am I doing to myself? Why am I shutting the emotions down? Why am I shutting myself down?

[LeaP]

I don't entirely know, Anne, because it's happening to me, too. I described the lack of emotion in a recent post.

I can say this: pain is a crutch. It's familiar. It ALLOWS you to shut down. I'm also afraid of the real-life experience. I had an existential crisis over frickin' shoes today, of all things, never mind walking around fully presenting (or taking other actions). The only thing I can offer is that I'm starting not to care. Not about consequences, or ridicule, or money, or anything else. The lack of emotion HELPS that.

It's a very high diving board. Something (what?) finally makes one jump off such a board.

Jump. Just jump. You might find yourself falling up into the clouds.

Lea

[elizabethamy]

Sometimes I think that if I choose to leap off the board (or am somehow pushed), that there will be no end to the falling...so I hold back. I hear what you're saying, Anne. What was is falling away and what will be is an opaque cloud. Maybe there's nothing behind the cloud but what you already have; but maybe there's a whole new life that includes with it the erasure of all your old one. One can't remain at full intensity at all times in such a situation; one can't force the conclusion to fit one's timetable, no matter how many books you read or nights you can't sleep. At least this is what I am learning. Sometimes I just have to stop the discovery process, or at least the intense intentionality of it, and see what (if anything) discovers me! Let go of the anxiety -- you aren't shutting down, you're processing and waiting for the right moment to jump back in. You will know when that moment comes, but that's where I can offer nothing else, because what comes next is as unknown to me as it must be to you. I have never been a person of faith exactly, but at this moment I think each of has to find faith in ourselves to find the right answer as to where our lives should go.

It's hard in some ways not to envy those of you who always knew that you were cast as the wrong gender. The rest of us are saying: what is this thing that has overtaken me? Who am I? If I knew so little for so long, how can I know that what I feel now is true, or just another layer of falsehood on top of a lifetime of it? And how will I know when to be sure of the truth?

Sometimes you just have to let it go, at least for a little while...I think.

e

[Amanda22]

If I think about where I am right now, the next question for me is, "where am I going next?" That scares the crap out of me. I don't know. Perhaps you do need a break from yourself in a way. Perhaps focus on other people for awhile. This helps remind me that my issues aren't as overwhelming as I built them up to be. Anne, you have tremendous courage to have come as far as you have. Give yourself a break. At times, I mentally step back and focus on the humor of my situation and laugh about it. That works for me at times.

[RADER]

Anne;
There is nothing wrong with you, you are torn between two genders, and are not sure witch way to go.
Society says that we are all freaks of nature, Dressing as a woman and being a man is unnatural.
To that I say Phooey, There is nothing written that says that you can not enjoy the best of both worlds.
Getting surgery is a huge commitment, and only a small percent do it. The rest of us, And I am one,
will never dream of that direction. Just getting my Appendix out when I was a kid was dramatic enough for me.

If you are sure of going all the way, then go through the steps, IE see a Doctor, Live full time for the required time,
Etc. But If you are like me, just enjoy the best of both worlds.
I guess what I am trying to say is do not tear your self up over the WHY of dressing, There are many people here
like you that just enjoy looking pretty. I am fortune enough to have a wife that condones my dressing, with a few
limits, like staying in the closet as it where. You by your picture are very beautifully, and would pass at any time.
Me I am built like a cement truck, nothing dainty here, But I enjoy dressing, putting on dresses, and walking around
the house. Since joining the forum, I now do a lot of under dressing, and wear fem jeans most of the time. ( Don't tell Karren)
I envy your ability to go out in the world, dresses, enjoy a movie, the mall, go to dinner, all while dressed. There is
no Law that says that you must dress in drab.
I am sure there will be more advice here, as this is a big question for many. Good luck to you, I hope I was somewhat
of a help.
Rader

[Danni Renee]

I wish I had answers for you, but I have none. I find myself trying to put myself back into the closet, just so I can take a break from the turmoil. I cannot watch tv or go shopping without bringing myself down. I sit here now, dressed, wanting nothing more than to walk out the door but I cannot get past the fear to do it yet. I hope you find your peace as I hope to find mine.

Danni

[Aprilrain]

Anne;
Dressing as a woman and being a man is unnatural. To that I say Phooey,

Wether its unnatural or not, i don't think this is what Anne is talking about. TSes aren't "more serious" CDs we are on two different plains. One is either TS or not, what one chooses to do about it is a separate issue. That doesn't exclude one from hiding out in CD land as a defense mechanism. In other words a TS is not a man dressed as a woman but rather a woman "fleshed" as a man.

Anne, at some point you will know what to do. DO being the operative word!

[Melody Moore]

Maybe you have been over thinking everything too much. Have you started seeing a therapist?
Because if you haven't then this is the best advice anyone could give you right now. And April
is right, when we know who we are and what has been going on in our lives, it makes no sense
to be sitting there dwelling on these things. You need to start to act and the first port of call is
the therapist if you haven't got there already.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Anne,

There is nothing wrong with you. However, you are doing something that is wrong, and you will be the worse for it.
You are not facing your problem head on. It's that simple.

If you avoid the issue, you sink. If you sink, it makes it harder to face your problem.

Your gender "issue" is unresolved. Your need to express your gender is not being met by your current situation. This is the simplest way to express the cause of gender dysphoria. NOT expressing yourself as your gender causes immense distress, and you are feeling that distress.

By trying to brush it under the rug, you are getting smothered by the rug, which will get heavier and heavier. The feeling of being "trapped" is the most common way most people describe gender dysphoria.

The feeling of numbness is a HUGE red flag. That will not last...you are doubly repressing your true feelings, and this is not good.

You have not ever in your life faced anything like this. Your life lessons are going to be useless to you. Logic is not a factor (except in execution of what you decide to do). Identity is impossible to describe. Your problem is truly incomprehensible to people that do not share it (and this includes crossdressers that give you advice).

Going forward WITHOUT making a commitment is something that can really help..as others have said, this includes all the stuff we've talked about before..even the simple act of going to a group.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,

The act of just doing it rather than thinking about it is in my opinion needed here.
Your paralyzing yourself with questions when you should be just walking out the door as you.

You wrote that you are afraid and unsure that you are able to straddle and navigate the road between the two genders.

There really isn't any road there Anne, no wonder you are having such great difficulty.

Your trying to keep all the balls in the air and that's impossible to do.

Instead of clawing at the ice as you slide into the lake attempt to push yourself along into it.

Your burnt out because your placing so much thought and analysis where there really doesn't need to be.

Accept and move forward sister.


Julia

[elizabethamy]

Julia,

what do you mean by "there isn't any road there" between the two genders? Meaning there is no middle ground? I value always what you have to say, just didn't quite understand that comment, and it feels like a very important one.

thanks

elizabethamy

[suzy1]

You analyse everything to death Anne.
It sounds like you are your own worst enemy. When I go on about not taking life too seriously I’m serious! [Most of the time]
[Remember my little threat about coming over there. I am buying the air ticket now!]

Struth girl,:eek:


SUZY

[Melody Moore]

what do you mean by "there isn't any road there" between the two genders? Meaning there is no middle ground? I value always what you have to say, just didn't quite understand that comment, and it feels like a very important one.

Elizabeth,

Even though you addressed this to Julia, I would like to just give you my feedback.

Transitioning is more like conquering a mountain and how quickly and easily you can climb
it will depend on your level of fitness and how well prepared you are. There isn't a defined
path up this mountain, the only thing that matters is that you get to the top. The fittest
seem to be able to take a more direct route, those that have to to overcome more roadblocks
and hurdles will weave their way up this mountain a lot more. There are aids you can use
to get yourself up that mountain, and as I said earlier seeing a therapists is a start. And
others have all indicated how important it is to start taking some type of action & doing
something about these issues instead of sitting there staring at the mountain & feeling
overwhelmed & defeated without having tried anything to conquer it.

To Anne, the more you sit and dwell on these issues the more it becomes compounded.

So see a therapist or join a group like Kaitlyn suggested & realise that you are
not alone. The greatest majority of us had the same amount of fear to overcome.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi Elizabeth,

I meant that anyone who stays in between the two gender binary's suffers greatly due to the road really not existing,
There will always be a mental longing or pull that will eat at you and wear you down until you snap, break or die without action.
This can be mitigated somewhat be frequent outings in your true gender but can only be healed by choosing and living the life you were truly meant to lead Elizabeth.
I lived the middle ground for a very long time never being able to express anything until I went full time.
I truly believe that if I had lived in a large city in a populated state with many trans related opportunities for outings instead of living in Helena Montana I would have never transitioned when I did.
When one does not have a middle ground it makes ones choices more clear.
I hope that made sense Elizabeth.


Julia

[Stephenie S]

I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with you at all. Give yourself a break, dear.

Stephie

[LeaP]

Julia,

what do you mean by "there isn't any road there" between the two genders? Meaning there is no middle ground? I value always what you have to say, just didn't quite understand that comment, and it feels like a very important one.

thanks

elizabethamy

Context: Anne has already stated she is transsexual.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?164381-The-Big-Lie&p=2666757&highlight=#post2666757

Lea

[rachaelsloane]

Anne,
You are a very sincere and honest person and as you have been on this path of the "Yellow Brick Road" you have learned so much about yourself, it is overwhelming. We're not always able to to do all the things we want, so we agonize over them.
I know you will figure out how to balance the the two. In the meantime, Anne needs to come out to CA so you can go out with Debby and me.
Always,
Rachael

[Kaitlyn Michele]

For transsexuals, the "middle path" and "balance" are not goals to aspire to. This is not a criticism.
If you are a woman, you are a woman. Anything less than living as a woman puts a big fat zero in the balance column...

If you feel transition is not necessary, then either you are striking a bargain with life to cope as best you can with being stuck as a man, and i feel deeply for you...
or you are not a transsexual(which is a good thing).

Knowing 2 middle path people in my life, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that they are married crossdressers, and they are delighted with being able to call themselves women on tuesdays and weekends, they tell me how they are women on the inside
...but it looks to me like it's an enjoyable part of life, and in the end, there is no interest in living a woman's actual life...

Anyway, whether i'm right or wrong doesn't matter...
to make real progress, it is not necessary to know the end goal. In fact, progress informs the end goal.

Anne wants to know the answer before actually doing anything. ain't gonna happen.

Anne is trying to post the problem away....ain't gonna happen...

That's whats wrong..

[Katelyn B]

Speaking as someone who spent 10+ years with their emotions completely shut down, my entire "adult" life, I think you (well, me) do it because it's easy, easier then dealing with things you don't want to deal with, things can be put off till tomorrow (and tomorrow never comes), why deal with hurt, rejection, pain, ridicule, doubt, questions, fear, uncertainty, when you can pull all of what you're feeling together into a nice little box and push it into the back of your mind. You can pretend they don't exist and after a while you get really good at it, you can pretend they don't matter, that your life is normal.

The trouble is, it isn't, you spend so much effort avoiding the future, avoiding change, that inertia becomes your default state. You become trapped in a moment and fight against anything that will pull you out of it. The trouble is, you can't fight time, everything and everyone around you changes, so you spend more and more effort fighting it, you shutdown emotionally because how else do you deal with the more and more glaring examples of everyone else around you having a future, you resent them for that, you don't understand how they can progress with their lives, you don't understand why they want to move forward.

Eventually, you reach a point where you can't do that anymore, you realise that you need to live a life and not just exist. There really is a point where you break because you can't do it anymore, you're just too damn tired, you can't go on like that, so you face up to what you've been avoiding for so long, and its great, but its scary, and all those questions and doubts come flooding back, and then you find out how hard it is, and you look at the future and see how hard its going to be, and retreating to that place where everything was "easier" starts to become more and more attractive. Time dulls the memories of how utterly miserable you were back then, and you start to think I could do that again, no one wants to take the hard path, that would be stupid of me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, moving on is hard, but take a proper, critical, look at your past and seriously ask yourself if you *really* want to go back to that, or embrace the difficult path and regardless of which fork you take, actually get somewhere.

/Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Gosh Katelyn your note was very moving and powerful and above all wise.... It is just sooooo true.....people should read it a hundred times..

[Jordie]

Kaitlyn,

Your input was indeed a very eye opening for me. Well, put, said, simple yet very profound.

Thank you !

[*Vanessa*]

You aren't shutting down Anne, you're mind is just sitting in the middle of extremes at the moment. Breath, you will be fine, as I am sure you are aware of where you are mentally (very strong). I am not suggesting anything here, but take the manic that has just started meds to control her mind swings. All of a sudden she longs for those incredible highs. We can not live so high, when the fog flashes past we are left alone with our thoughts. This spot where you are IS the woman in you.. :)

v.

[Bree-asaurus]

There are a lot of excellent responses here already so I don't really have much to add.

I know it can be hard, fearing the unknown. But you don't need to make some grand decision. Just take a tiny baby step. Dip your toe into the water.

Just be very careful... because it sounds like you are working very hard to repress everything that you have learned about yourself. If you keep it up, it will not end well. This numbness you are feeling, if you don't do something about it, will fade and become the fear, sadness, depression and anger that it's been hiding. It can hit you very hard, very fast and without warning. Don't let it get so bad that you are faced with the choice of death or finally taking action. Some of us had to get to that point to move forward... but no one should ever have to be teetering on the edge to realize there is hope.

Please, get out of this funk. Take a small step in the direction of being yourself. You can always step back if you need to, but I can almost guarantee you that if you start being yourself more, expressing yourself more, you will feel better.

[LeaP]

It can hit you very hard, very fast and without warning. Don't let it get so bad that you are faced with the choice of death or finally taking action. ...

Please, get out of this funk. Take a small step in the direction of being yourself. You can always step back if you need to, but I can almost guarantee you that if you start being yourself more, expressing yourself more, you will feel better.

It takes complete blind faith to do this and it's exceedingly hard to do. Why? Because what it feels like is everything to-date IS expressing yourself more and taking action (therapy, coming out to others, etc.). To move forward even more in the face of worsening symptoms requires fighting every survival urge you have, and they are very powerful, as you well know.

Your characterization of fast and hard is correct. It's breathtakingly fast.

Lea

[Aprilrain]

Your characterization of fast and hard is correct. It's breathtakingly fast. Lea

and it gets faster as you go! i think Hope calls it trans acceleration, I like that, its very fitting.

[Kelsy]

I find that my main battle moves from fear to fear. Each one has to be overcome and conquered before I can move on and I can slide toward deep depression and enter a real dark placeuntil I am ready to fight again. Just as I begin to feel abit more confident a new fear arises and the process begins again! With each victory though I am learning that there is a pattern and I know what needs to be done to break through.

Kelsy

[elizabethamy]

Thank you, Julia, Lea, Melody and others who directly or indirectly addressed my middle of the road question. I admit that I am still looking for that middle, still fearing the cost of going beyond it, not "declared TS" like Anne. Having said that, my therapist wisely speaks of how repression is repression -- that is, the symptoms are the same whether one is repressing transsexuality or repressing artistic impulses, or sexual orientation, or trying to will away unprocessed trauma. In other words, one has to be sure that it's really all about gender, because dealing with one repression doesn't address any others one might have. YMMV, of course.

Another perspective, too, is the age question. For example, I'm a writer who used to be quite prolific, bottled it up mostly to earn money and support and care for children, and that repression is affecting me. My wife (who also works for money when she'd be much happier writing novels and stories) and I have talked about how there is the 20-something response to repression (quit your job! dress how you want! move to a cabin and write without any responsibility!) and the middle aged response (try to feed the repressed desire while still fulfilling your role as a parent, spouse, breadwinner, etc.). How this applies to transgender issues is interesting, unknown, scary.

I love love love being on this forum and having the chance to take in the collected wisdom of so many who have faced so much and have done so well. My admiration for you all is pretty close to boundless!

elizabethamy

[LeaP]

and it gets faster as you go! i think Hope calls it trans acceleration, I like that, its very fitting.

I remember reading that, and thought the concept apt also. I thought Hope was referring to gender emergence, where Bree was referring to the ferocious return of anger, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Maybe I have it wrong, though.

Lea

[Bree-asaurus]

I remember reading that, and thought the concept apt also. I thought Hope was referring to gender emergence, where Bree was referring to the ferocious return of anger, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. Maybe I have it wrong, though.

Lea

Yes, I was referring to how quickly repressed emotions can build up and explode.

But Hope is also right... once you find out who you really are and start feeling the benefits of aligning your body and your life with your inner self, it kind of becomes a rush... "Well, if doing a little bit at a time makes me feel a little more complete... why the hell am I not doing it faster? I WANT TO BE COMPLETE NOW! WAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

But then life slaps you in the face and makes you realize that you can't rush through it, it takes time and personal growth. So you settle down and take your time to make sure you're doing everything the right way.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Anne, again, I feel for you. There is a lot of good advice here and I'm not far enough along the journey to give you good advice, but know that we all are here for you.

[Anne2345]

I am fighting myself here. I recognize this. But even beyond this, I do not want to be me!!! I do not want this! What I want is to be a good parent to my seven year old daughter. I want to be a good, loving spouse to my wife. I want life to be relatively straight forward. I want to be "normal."

How I feel now, and how I have felt all sucks. It sucks bad. I believe I would have been better off if I simply had not been born. And yet, the cruel joke that it apparently was, I was born, and here I f'ing am - all f'ed up, depressed, confused, obsessed, miserable, and scared out of my mind.

And yes, to answer a prior question, I am in therapy over this. If you think I am a wreck now, I would hate to see how much of a wreck I would be without it. Sigh. All I want is for this to go away. Just freaking go away, and leave me be. I want to quit it all, and leave it all behind. I don't want this.

[morgan51]

Anne I too realize my repression of my gid is leading to no positive outcome. I have tried to put transition on hold and stopped hrt and counciling all to no good affect. I,m simply more miserable and more depressed/numb a year or so later and no closer to living my authentic life. I will have to restart transition to ease my depression I,ve tried and failed to take the easy way out.Postpone.It simply isn't easier, just dangerous. In the end I know in my heart today anything I do towards transition feeds my soul and gives me some relief.My thoughts are with you. Morgan

[Inna]

Hi Anne, your original post had struck a note so familiar and genuinely real for I have an exact set of emotions or lack of, in my, so hoped, true and honest psyche. I too have shed the facade of pretense and embraced one and only path I could, the one surrounded and its essence paved by, my truth.
But instead of rosy colorful world of imaginary future, I feel I have only so far, lost the baggage of denial and burden of lies, however the new dream of a promise land is nowhere in sight. I am as naked as I ever was, naked of stuff I once though as substantial but now only material and void, naked of pretense and status, naked of yearnings, of wants and desires. The only force remaining is blind pursuit towards SHE, the girl in dreams whom I so desired to be real yet she had proven so illusive and forbidden until now.

[Marleena]

I am fighting myself here. I recognize this. But even beyond this, I do not want to be me!!! I do not want this! What I want is to be a good parent to my seven year old daughter. I want to be a good, loving spouse to my wife.

Hi Anne, the statement above is the key to your issues. You can be you and still be a good parent and husband.:)

Like I said in a previous PM HRT might be the key, your compromise. Please push forward with this avenue with your therapist. Nothing says you need to go 24/7 have, SRS, etc. There are TS ladies out there living their lives that have not transitioned and not living 24/7 for various reasons. It should not take long with HRT to see if it will help you. I really feel for you as I'm dealing with my own TG issues. Hang in there girl we're here for you.:)

[KellyJameson]

I cannot give you answers but perhaps by sharing my thoughts concerning my own path you will find similarities.

I use fantasy to create scenarios that I than place myself into as a way to test my reaction in the hopes this will let me step outside of myself and see me from an objective perspective.

I imagine living on an island alone with no hope of escape, no mirrors,no insecure vanity, no feminine power born of physical beauty to influence men with. Physical beauty has no value on this island except one, as a measure of my distance from my own mortality. The perfect skin and clear eyes remind me that I'm healthy and death by natural causes is far in the future, beauty helps me keep my illusion of immortality.

There are no advantages to living in a male or female body on this island but I can choose either but only once and than must live with this choice. Without hesitation I choose the body of a female. By this choice I now learn that others are irrelevant in my choice, it is personal and separate from all others.

The question than becomes why do I have a preference ?

Is it born from my heterosexual desire for the female represented by her beauty that I than try to recreate in myself in an attempt to permanently possess that which I'm drawn to?

Is it born from the hate that I as a male child absorbed from a mother who hated men and who poured all this hate into me so as a method of escaping this hate that my body holds I seek to change into a loved female and not a hated male, a hate that was further added to by the misandry of the world?

Did the world and my sexuality conspire to make me want to escape myself?

OR.

Was the masculine not added to the feminine in enough measure that I live in a twilight world of neither and both? Is it possible to have a female brain in the body of a male? What is a female brain? What is a male brain? Is there differences between the two?

Sometimes I feel like these two girls...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMzK6iz6uVs

I am free, no wife, no children and plenty of money to change if I desire yet I am still tormented by indecision because I do not trust my motives. Sometimes it is best to step back from the edge and wait for the answers to come in there own time.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

So what is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself? What am I doing to myself? Why am I shutting the emotions down? Why am I shutting myself down?

Less talk, more action. Look, if I'm feeling numb, and currently I do (which is another story, and can't really be helped at the current time), I realize I need more action.


Anne, at some point you will know what to do. DO being the operative word!

More Do-ing, Anne.


Maybe you have been over thinking everything too much.

Yes, she has. that has been mentioned before I think.




There is nothing wrong with you. However, you are doing something that is wrong, and you will be the worse for it.
You are not facing your problem head on. It's that simple.

Well, not facing things head on is Anne in a nutshell. It probably got to be a habit...she didn't mean to do it, but it happened.


If you avoid the issue, you sink. If you sink, it makes it harder to face your problem.

I can personally tell you, Anne, that avoidance sucks.


The feeling of numbness is a HUGE red flag. That will not last...you are doubly repressing your true feelings, and this is not good.

And don't I know it.


Going forward WITHOUT making a commitment is something that can really help..as others have said, this includes all the stuff we've talked about before..even the simple act of going to a group.

Again, I heartily recommend joining a group of some kind, I'm not a member of one now, but joining one was one of the smartest things I did in regards to the trans....besides the counseling, and the original telling to my family.


The act of just doing it rather than thinking about it is in my opinion needed here. Your paralyzing yourself with questions when you should be just walking out the door as you.

More doing.


You analyse everything to death Anne.
It sounds like you are your own worst enemy.

And NOW you finally agree with me? Oy. Well, better late than never. Yes Anne does over-analyze, I warned her about that, and yes transpeople in general are often their own worst enemies.



For transsexuals, the "middle path" and "balance" are not goals to aspire to. This is not a criticism.
If you are a woman, you are a woman. Anything less than living as a woman puts a big fat zero in the balance column...

Hmm, well not for certain I agree entirely 100% with you on that, but I do agree mostly.


If you feel transition is not necessary, then either you are striking a bargain with life to cope as best you can with being stuck as a man, and i feel deeply for you...

It happens, there are others here doing similar.


Anne wants to know the answer before actually doing anything. ain't gonna happen.
Anne is trying to post the problem away....ain't gonna happen...
That's whats wrong..

Right!



Eventually, you reach a point where you can't do that anymore, you realise that you need to live a life and not just exist. There really is a point where you break because you can't do it anymore, you're just too damn tired, you can't go on like that, so you face up to what you've been avoiding for so long, and its great, but its scary, and all those questions and doubts come flooding back, and then you find out how hard it is, and you look at the future and see how hard its going to be, and retreating to that place where everything was "easier" starts to become more and more attractive. Time dulls the memories of how utterly miserable you were back then, and you start to think I could do that again, no one wants to take the hard path, that would be stupid of me.

Excellent points made there Katelyn

Veronica

[Debglam]

Anne, not a F****** thing is wrong with you! Don't let anyone (or yourself!) tell you different!


Anne,
You are a very sincere and honest person and as you have been on this path of the "Yellow Brick Road" you have learned so much about yourself, it is overwhelming. We're not always able to to do all the things we want, so we agonize over them.
I know you will figure out how to balance the the two. In the meantime, Anne needs to come out to CA so you can go out with Debby and me.
Always,
Rachael

Yup! I'm gonna PM you!

Debby

[Sara Jessica]

Anne, I've been thinking of this thread ever since I first read it a couple days ago. I guess there's no better time to add my two-cents than the present.

You have come a long way fast in terms of self-discovery. But where are you going from here?

1) Transition? I doubt it, at least not in the immediate term. Reasons described below.

2) Eschew all that is feminine in your being in an effort to be the husband/father/breadwinner that she seems to interfere with? Definitely not. This would eat you up and spit you out and the resulting mess wouldn't be very pretty.

3) Take a stab at the middle path?

Yes, I think we have a winner in whoever selected door #3.

Really Anne, are #'s 1 or 2 even options at this moment? You have not explored what a middle path can do for you.

Caveat - I respect all opinions that suggest that the middle path is one which cannot lead to true fulfillment but such fulfillment is in the heart of the beholder. I'm feeling pretty darned fulfilled these days as I make my way along this middle path. But then the bigger question is whether it is a sustainable path to travel upon. Again, I respect those who question this and for many of us, it may prove to be utterly unsustainable. But in my case I feel an obligation to at least try and when the day comes (hopefully a long way off) that I'm at death's door, I sincerely hope I can look back without regret in the choices I have made in dealing with my gender issues.

But back to our original programming, as this is about you Anne.

What have you done to find your place in this world of ours? Your previous contentment in all things closet will continue to hang over your head because based on your writings, you have done little of late to expand your horizons despite your self-revelations. The others are right on in suggesting a support group. I've said this before and I'll say it again, find one that is outside of that geographic comfort zone that surrounds your everyday life. This will help to minimize the chance of bumping into someone you know. In doing so, I'd bet $$$ that within a few meetings, you'll be exploring other parts of our wonderful world while being yourself. You will find it to be intoxicating and it will lead to further confusion as well in the short term. But then you will come to realize that spending an afternoon, evening or entire day out as Anne is much different than doing so daily. You will likely begin to take stock of what balance means given the fulfillment you receive in being out in this wonderful world of ours.

The bottom line, it's all about experiences. It's about talking to people. It's about furthering your self-discovery to the point where you can make the most educated decision possible for you and in consideration of your family.

I'm sorry, I am usually the last one to push anyone to take those steps into the outside world but in your case, I feel compelled to at least give this little nudge. How else are you going to erase this funk you are in?

Please let this inspire you in some small way. I accept who I am. I love who I am and could not imagine seeing this world through a masculine POV. I know nothing else and even though it can be a royal pain in the ass, I really would not trade it away if I could. Life is for living. It's for the happiness that we can derive from so many sources. Enjoy the pleasures of what you have built around you while embracing your feminine being. It's not two people, she has always been there. But now you can accept her presence and see what she can do for you. A world of wonder awaits you Anne. Embrace it, embrace her, and don't lose sight of the bigger picture. If after all this you find the middle path to be unsustainable and you actually transition, then so be it. At least you tried.

[Amanda22]

Please let this inspire you in some small way. I accept who I am. I love who I am and could not imagine seeing this world through a masculine POV. I know nothing else and even though it can be a royal pain in the ass, I really would not trade it away if I could. Life is for living. It's for the happiness that we can derive from so many sources. Enjoy the pleasures of what you have built around you while embracing your feminine being. It's not two people, she has always been there. But now you can accept her presence and see what she can do for you. A world of wonder awaits you Anne. Embrace it, embrace her, and don't lose sight of the bigger picture. If after all this you find the middle path to be unsustainable and you actually transition, then so be it. At least you tried.

What a wonderful, loving, reasonable post. I've been following this thread closely because I relate to Anne's feelings. There are several wise bits of advice posted by members. This is an example of support at its finest. I've copied several things and saved them to read to myself frequently. You are all so great.

Love,
Mandy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Sara you are a star..

You know i have a different POV but i can't help but appreciate what you are saying..

It's also very consistent with the idea of an incremental approach to all this which is a very smart tactic if you are in a decent head space to pull it off..

[ReineD]

So what is wrong with me? Why am I doing this to myself? What am I doing to myself? Why am I shutting the emotions down? Why am I shutting myself down?

My SO became aware of herself fully I'd say somewhere in between 10-20 years ago. It's not that she had suppressed herself before this, but she wasn't free to develop this side of herself. She was busy obtaining a demanding degree in terms of severe time constraints and moving forward with her career. These were her priorities. She doesn't have any kids and in the one long term relationship she was in before me, her SO was quite open to the idea that my SO experienced gender non-conformity. At the time (even though she began CDing at the onset of puberty but had not CD'ed frequently during college and until sometime in her 30's), she slowly realized her need to move out of the closet/bedroom and into the mainstream. I didn't know her during the developmental years, but as it turned out her other relationship ended (due to career moves and not because of the CDing), at the same time as her career became established. So she was single for about 10 years when she was free to develop herself as a human entity and she was also able to explore her feminine sexuality in order to determine whether or not she was bi. I've no doubt that she had periods when she questioned her gender, and this I believe is an understatement. It must be hugely difficult to construct a non-binary view of gender for oneself, especially during times when the sheer elation over finally expressing a feminine gender is so strong, given social conditioning and society's bias against this, and prior time constraints. I can well imagine how much more difficult this would be for someone who feels doubly constrained in their exploration due to having a less than thrilled wife and also kids.

That said, my SO always told me that her gender exploration was like a pendulum swing. During the years before she was free to develop herself, he went way to the macho side. And then there followed years of going way to the femme side. She now has settled somewhere in the middle and she has constructed a life where she is free to express herself at will, but without compromising her career and the other things that she cares about. This is not a question of my SO continuing to suppress herself in order to conform to societal expectations of who she should be. She is making choices that work for her, given the world she lives in and also honoring all aspects of who s/he is.

In order to do this, I suspect she had to throw out all conventional definitions of gender from her vocabulary and reject the idea that she is 'all woman' or he is 'all man'. In recent years she told me she identified as dual gender, but frankly there are no words that correctly identify everything that she is. She is always the same person internally, no matter how the world decides to define it and no matter how she presents.

If you are beginning to shut down, it could be because you are going too fast for yourself in terms of "having" to define yourself NOW? The one thing that worked well for my SO was that early on she decided to not overly define things for herself. She instead determined to go with the flow and develop herself to the degree she felt comfortable even though, as mentioned, at times there was a preoccupation with expressing femininity (the pendulum swing). This did mean moving forward outside of some comfort zones such as deciding to go out in the mainstream fully dressed, and this does require courage and also a degree of prudence. But, she always gave herself permission to retreat if while out she wasn't enjoying the experience. I rather believe that she seldom felt she had to retreat.

All this to say that I agree with the others. You need to go out and be Anne and see where it leads you. :)