A persona question

[Anna Lorree]

Many of us with some form of gender dysphoria have spent a great deal of time building up an image of ourselves in order to meet societies' expectations. We act the part of the manly man or the feminine woman (depending on our sex at birth), in order to get along with everybody else in the world around us. At some point, I presume (and correct me if I am wrong) transsexual people decide they simply cannot continue to be that personality that they have constructed.

This brings me to a question. For transwomen, how much of your masculine persona has survived in some way into your current transitioned or transitioning self? Did you have to completely kill HIM in order to become HER?

Anna

[kellycan27]

I don't believe that I ever had a masculine persona to "kill" or even fight with. I figured out that I was different at a very early age. I don't ever remember thinking.. I am a boy WHY, do I feel like I should be a girl. For me it wasn't about getting along with everyone else around me...it was getting along with me.:2c:

Kel

[Julia_in_Pa]

Anna,


I still love firearms and always will despite my transitioned self.
I also love model trains, plasic model aircraft and cars.
I'm a amateur radio operator that trained many in the art of Morse Code.
I love exploring abandoned buildings and other things like old coal mine shafts.
To look at me you'd never know and that would be your first mistake.


Julia

[Anna Lorree]

Anna,


I still love firearms and always will despite my transitioned self.
I also love model trains, plasic model aircraft and cars.
I'm a amateur radio operator that trained many in the art of Morse Code.
To look at me you'd never know and that would be your first mistake.


Julia

Lol, that's funny. I am a CCW holder in California, and have hunted since childhood. I still very much enjoy shooting for just about any reason, and reload my own ammunition. I have also tried my hand at gunsmithing and could see that as a career for me at some point.

I also loved model trains as a child. I had a WW-II air battle in US bombers and fighters pitted against German fighters hanging from my ceiling as a kid. I would love to get into remote controlled aircraft, someday.

This next statement isn't based solely on your response, but conversations I have had with you and others here in the past. The more I learn about and from transwomen, the more frightened I become regarding myself.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

I don't believe that I ever had a masculine persona to "kill" or even fight with. I figured out that I was different at a very early age. I don't ever remember thinking.. I am a boy WHY, do I feel like I should be a girl. For me it wasn't about getting along with everyone else around me...it was getting along with me.:2c:

Kel

I envy you that certainty, Kelly.

Anna

[Bree-asaurus]

I think my experience is different from what a lot of other women have experienced. At least that's what I gather from the stories I have heard. But I'm positive I am not alone... My situation isn't unique or anything. I think it may have to do with the fact that I began accepting myself at a younger age, before I could permanently drill those male behaviors into my skull. In fact, that's one of the first things I talked about with my therapist. When I would get home from school or work, I would shed the skin I wore throughout the day and just be myself. I was like this as far back as I can remember.

My whole life I was always aware that I was playing a role, I knew how I would act if no-one was around, and then I knew that I had to act differently when other people were around. I spent a lot of my childhood alone because I hated pretending, and I think that was helpful in that I was able to still grow and be myself at the same time. Mind you, I was never aware that I was transexual, I just knew I couldn't be myself around other people. For what reason, I didn't know.

So when I finally accepted that this person I was hiding was the real me and was not the man I was trying to be, I simply stopped pretending. The inflection in my voice, my body language, the way I would carry myself, the way I would think and feel and express my emotions were always there. I would just hide them with varying degrees of success throughout my life... and then I just ended the charade.

And it was hard always having to keep my real behavior under wraps growing up. There were many times where I would get excited about something when I was around my friends and I would let my guard down and the real me would slip out. I would immediately catch this, buckle myself back down and feel super embarrassed that they may have seen who I really was.

It's funny though because I still pretend to be a guy sometimes... but I've all but forgotten what it was like back then (even though it's really not that far away at all). Now when I pretend to be a guy, I kind of find it comical. I still sometimes wonder how much of a show normal guys put out there... :P

[Katesback]

I think that while most find new interests many old interests sometimes remain. What many of us learn over time is how to be interested in what we used to be intereted in but doing so as a woman. It takes time thats for sure.

Katie

[Bree-asaurus]

I think that while most find new interests many old interests sometimes remain. What many of us learn over time is how to be interested in what we used to be intereted in but doing so as a woman. It takes time thats for sure.

Katie

I've found that some of my interests that I had were basically just busy work to keep my mind occupied. So I didn't have to think about my internal conflicts. Other interests I had were because I could do them by myself, usually being able to create my own little worlds and I could forget about my world. And then, of course, other interests were because I was genuinely liked doing those things. Like working on computers and cars. Certainly more masculine hobbies, but I don't care. I'm not going to stop doing them because girls don't typically do them.

[Anna Lorree]

I think my experience is different from what a lot of other women have experienced. At least that's what I gather from the stories I have heard. But I'm positive I am not alone... My situation isn't unique or anything. I think it may have to do with the fact that I began accepting myself at a younger age, before I could permanently drill those male behaviors into my skull. In fact, that's one of the first things I talked about with my therapist. When I would get home from school or work, I would shed the skin I wore throughout the day and just be myself. I was like this as far back as I can remember.

My whole life I was always aware that I was playing a role, I knew how I would act if no-one was around, and then I knew that I had to act differently when other people were around. I spent a lot of my childhood alone because I hated pretending, and I think that was helpful in that I was able to still grow and be myself at the same time. Mind you, I was never aware that I was transexual, I just knew I couldn't be myself around other people. For what reason, I didn't know.

So when I finally accepted that this person I was hiding was the real me and was not the man I was trying to be, I simply stopped pretending. The inflection in my voice, my body language, the way I would carry myself, the way I would think and feel and express my emotions were always there. I would just hide them with varying degrees of success throughout my life... and then I just ended the charade.

And it was hard always having to keep my real behavior under wraps growing up. There were many times where I would get excited about something when I was around my friends and I would let my guard down and the real me would slip out. I would immediately catch this, buckle myself back down and feel super embarrassed that they may have seen who I really was.

It's funny though because I still pretend to be a guy sometimes... but I've all but forgotten what it was like back then (even though it's really not that far away at all). Now when I pretend to be a guy, I kind of find it comical. I still sometimes wonder how much of a show normal guys put out there... :P

Bree,

I can totally understand some of the "real you" slipping through. I work in a fire department, only 2 women work there. One has hinted for about 4 years that she thinks I am a crossdresser (I have never yet confirmed her suspicions, but have not denied them either), the other works on my engine crew and has caught me "dripping" feminine gestures MANY times. Beyond that, I sit with my legs crossed or close together (always have), my natural waist is above my bellybutton, I have very feminine hand gestures when in a comfortable setting, if I am standing I tend to thrust a hip out and leave a leg slack with my knee bent and my foot on a toe, I held books to my chest when I was in school like girls do, and the list goes on... All of that is hard to cover up when you work in a Type-A personality, macho masculine environment. Recently, I find that I care less about continuing the game.

Anna

[Katesback]

Yea I was an adrenyln junkie before I changed. I think it was my way to ignore who I really was.

I still today work on cars but damm its a mental challenge. Like I have to plan it out and be sweaty and all before I am willing to go work on something dirty.

Katie





I've found that some of my interests that I had were basically just busy work to keep my mind occupied. So I didn't have to think about my internal conflicts. Other interests I had were because I could do them by myself, usually being able to create my own little worlds and I could forget about my world. And then, of course, other interests were because I was genuinely liked doing those things. Like working on computers and cars. Certainly more masculine hobbies, but I don't care. I'm not going to stop doing them because girls don't typically do them.

[Bree-asaurus]

Yea I was an adrenyln junkie before I changed. I think it was my way to ignore who I really was.

I still today work on cars but damm its a mental challenge. Like I have to plan it out and be sweaty and all before I am willing to go work on something dirty.

Katie

Haha! I've had to do the brakes on my car for several months now... I have all the parts, and if this was before, I would have just done out and done it. But now I'm waiting for a day that I'm gonna have to go work outside and get hot and sweaty anyway for me to actually do them :P

[kellycan27]

I ride my Harley, dirt bikes and quads, but i don't see those as necessarily male traits. I don't like to get dirty or greasy, nor do I work on cars, but I do know enough about them as to not get taken advantage of at the repair shop.

[Asako]

I'm one of those who "kind of" knew at an early age. It wasn't until I realized that something was "off" that I buried it all in the back of my mind. That gave rise to the damned persona. I've slowly learned about myself and this "persona" over the last few months. I think it's more of an act than anything in the way of what I say and how I say it. When I drop the act, I hardly ever swear. With it, I put a sailor to shame sometimes. I wish I could stop the act and just be honest with myself, my reactions to things, and the others around me. Though, the jury is still out on "completely killing the male". I'm not even sure if that's possible for me to do.

[Anna Lorree]

I grew up on a ranch, surrounded by other ranchers, commercial fishermen and loggers. I pretty much learned the same thing about men not showing emotion or caring about anybody or anything.

You talk about having a self-destructive side, I run into burning buildings for a living and used to love driving fast. My desire to do that sort of thing has basically evaporated. And, quite frankly I am tired of not being "allowed" to be emotional. I allow myself to cry at movies now, and am trying to learn to be affectionate and to show empathy. It is hard sometimes, to break through all of that male training.

Anna

[Sammy777]

You talk about having a self-destructive side, I run into burning buildings for a living and used to love driving fast.

Hold on a second there!
I never said I stopped driving fast. ;)
If you aren't doing 85 on the NJ GSPW (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_state_parkway) you are just in the way. :lol:

Firefighting is a noble profession [Paid or Volunteer] :D

[Kelsy]

I tried on alot of personas In my life but none of them made me feel total and complete there was always the background noise, the thread of my real self always weaving through and disrupting any success I could have had. The closest I came to having a "normal" life was the 25 years I was married and raising kids but even then my dysphoria stocked me through it all! I had a secret life.I never had a cemented persona, I was what everyone else wanted me to be and I was never able to feel any real contentment until I allowed my true persona to come to the surface and take control. The roles I had are at odds with who I have become and my past is a relationship graveyard!

K

[Katesback]

My god you and I are so alike when it comes to that. Yes like if I have to mow the grass then thats the time I will do other dirty stuff because I just dont like getting dirty so much anymore.



Haha! I've had to do the brakes on my car for several months now... I have all the parts, and if this was before, I would have just done out and done it. But now I'm waiting for a day that I'm gonna have to go work outside and get hot and sweaty anyway for me to actually do them :P

[Empress Lainie]

I refer to my former self as my late husband. I have fond thoughts of him, but in no way am I him, even though we shared this body for a while. I can hardly remember after only 4 yrs of being him. When someone in the store is called by old name, I have no response, except that "Oh, that used to be my name,: to myself of course.
However, prior to my one day transition to 24/7, I created an internet persona, in fact several all female, one 18yrs old. That one caused three men to claim they fell in love with her, but maybe it was the pix of Gia Primo that I was using. When I found out who she was, I told her by email what I was doing - her response: an immediate friend request on myspace and facebook. I very carefully defused the love affairs, claiming I was lesbian (true!). I think I was really practicing to be the female that I really am. I remember thinking: "I wonder if I convince anyone that I am an 18 yr old girl."

[Aprilrain]

I didn't have to kill him he willingly gave up what was left of his life for me.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I really don't feel much different at all. My personality hasn't changed too much.

I like most of the same things as before, but i like more things now...especially I like myself now (to a point...)

[EnglishRose]

Heh, I've always been as manly as a not very manly person. There is no facade to tear down, as such. However I will remain eager to shoot people virtually in the face in Counter Strike online. :D

[Kathryn Martin]

I am with Kaitelyn on this. I have never had much interest in manly activities from my earliest times and so there was hardly a change. Having farmed in early adulthood for 15 years I could strip down and repair most equipment but never enjoyed this it was just part of the facade.

[Sammy777]

I didn't have to kill him he willingly gave up what was left of his life for me.

I look at it slightly differently, I just did what any girl would do.
I kicked him out, kept what things of his I liked and gave the rest away. :lol2:

[Jordie]

I think it all comes to finding our authentic self. In my case I never liked or was attracted to anything in particular. As a kid I remember Enjoying watching cartoons such as Speedracer, Mazinger and Spirderman I also did like playing with little planes and to these days I still love aviation in general but I never felt that this was all normal because i was boy. I just liked it.

Today I am into fitness and I relate or identify with Jillian Michaels. I am not the super feminine girl nor the opposite. I am just myself and that is what I call " the woman I am" .

[noeleena]

Hi,

There are some ....things....that males can do & some things females can do . is that what makes the difference between male & female ...no...

Some of us can give birth tho some of us cant thats woman only , yet men can give towards helping to wards that . we can not change that . thats the difference.

Now as to doing things like work . hobbys or what ever , we all dont do the same things, or like the same foods. none of those things we can or not do does not detract from who we are, socity has made the mistake of only men can do this or that & the other things for women in this role type of thinking,

There are many things i like doing it has nothing at all to do with wether im male or female none what ever,

being I S, i did not try to be a male or female, what i am does not come in to it. i like what i like because of who i am as a person. not what i wear or do.

I can do all sorts of things because i like doing that, wether its sewing my clothes ( female, ) or building wood turning gardining or bike rideing & i dont see any difference in what i do wether its assigned to women or men to me there is no male or female ,

im not hard wired to only male or only female things , being I S is different so i dont follow a set role that may or should have been imposed on myself from age 10 i did not follow how most people were brought up. i rejected that from then .

If i have to fix our 2 heavy 15 ton trucks or 4 x 4 i will or do what ever needs doing. muck dirt i dont care, ill do it, as iv said im one strong woman with some of my male back up to carry me through, , im not some girl'e girl here, have a think about some of our Russain woman they just get on & do what ever .


An image of my self was one who did not abide or fit in i did not try to be other than true to my self how some people saw me would have to be told by them ,most of my life has been real i did not act out a role or even a percived one i showed both male & female at the same time, not one or the other, because i did not know how to, how i live now is just the same. how i dress did not change who i am,

People can be fooled , yet those who know me are not , because they know my background so they accept who i am. & i dont need to prove any thing .

Its about acceptance & i have that,

...noeleena...

[KellyJameson]

Hi Anna

I was never able to create one so I withdrew psychologically from bonding with people for self protection and stay in the shadows emotionally because I have learned that when people interact with me they experience dissonance between what they see (a man) and what they sense (a woman). I can pretend for short periods but it is exhausting and when I stop pretending I become labelled as an effeminate man which is hurtful because it is not representative of the truth.

My personal opinion is that both sexes have elements of each in them, woman with masculine traits and men with feminine traits but I'm an extreme example and over the course of my life have only met two woman (both GG) whose feminine energy was as extreme as mine. Weird to say that I feel more feminine than most women I meet. It is not something I wanted and have only become conscious of it and the implications recently, it was always operating below my own understanding. I was so busy trying to survive the consequences of being this way that I was not paying attention to the obvious of what I am.