Does your SO feel "trapped"?

[GingerLeigh]

I told my wife about my crossdressing. There was no fighting, crying, or accusations of deception. Just quiet acceptance. Despite occasionally allowing me the time to do it, she seldom wants to talk about it. When we do I get the impression she feels trapped and must accept it despite her fears. She lets me do it because it's important to me, even though I think it tears her up inside. I know it creeps her out.

I don't want her to feel trapped. It makes me sad to think she feels this way, it says "I'm stuck with weirdo". Will time smooth it over or could it fester into something uglier later? She is the love of my life and everything to me. I would be devastated if this damages our relationship or worse.

Any advice? What has been your experience?

[Jacqueline Winona]

Short answer is I hope not! This isn't my wife's favorite thing about me either. But now is the time for you to show her you're the same person, maybe even better- words only go so far, so do it today. Step up at home and do more of the work for her, challenge yourself to get all your outside chores and whatever else you have always done faster,take her out and show her off to the world, letting everyone know she is yours, treat her like the woman you adore even more now. She will notice your effort, regardless of what else is going on with you.

[darla_g]

I think basically it is a matter of acceptance. if your SO loves you and accepts you and then comes to realize it is part of who you are then most SOs will be ok with it. just my opinion

[Karren H]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

[Laura912]

It seems that the answer lies in your middle paragraph and the last two sentences. If they are true, then you may need to make some sacrifices with fewer times at home to dress. For example, one of the discussion group members only dresses when traveling. You have a butterfly resting on your hand. Let it settle in. Don't rush things or you may kill the butterfly. With a lot of patience you may be able to pet the butterfly. For over fifty years, dressing, for me, was only during travel and when my spouse was away. Now, I could even if she was home...but I still don't just to keep things on an even keel. She even made the joke two days ago that we could shop for hers and hers outfits. Go slowly. Also, good advice by Janice. GingerLeigh could be perceived by your wife as competition. Your wife needs to be the number one woman in your family.
Laura

[sonna]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

simply put...........yep!

[BRANDYJ]

I told my wife about my crossdressing. There was no fighting, crying, or accusations of deception. Just quiet acceptance. Despite occasionally allowing me the time to do it, she seldom wants to talk about it. When we do I get the impression she feels trapped and must accept it despite her fears. She lets me do it because it's important to me, even though I think it tears her up inside. I know it creeps her out.

I don't want her to feel trapped. It makes me sad to think she feels this way, it says "I'm stuck with weirdo". Will time smooth it over or could it fester into something uglier later? She is the love of my life and everything to me. I would be devastated if this damages our relationship or worse.

Any advice? What has been your experience?

My thoughts are to let her decide when to talk about it. My guess is you are so anxious for her to tell you how she feels, that you constantly ask or hint to her that you want to talk more about it. You want her to be not only accepting, you want to be sure she is really OK with it and perhaps participate on some level. So as often said in many other threads, go at her pace and don't push the talking about it. Go slow! I can understand you not being sure she does or does not accept your dressing. I can understand you wanting her to open up and talk more about it. I can also understand how you might feel that she might feel trapped. So my advice would be to never bring up the subject at all. Let her bring it up when she is comfortable, ready or has reason to ask you more about it. I'd also do what Janice suggested. Be more considerate, helpful around the house, more giving, more interested in things she likes. Show her how much you care about her and that love her. Words only go so far, action speaks volumes.
I'd also ask her to join this site and the FAB section of our forum. I'm sure it would enlighten her to find she is not alone with whatever feelings she has. It was this same feeling of not knowing exactly where my SO stood that made me set boundariesndraies to the extent that I later found out where not necessary. My fear of how accepting she really was, and comfort level my wife at the time had with it all. Most of my my fears were in my own head concerning her feelings.

[Jenniferathome]

Yes,you HAVE TO talk about it. Ignoring the truth will only lead to resentment or worse. It's hard to talk about this sometimes. Get an objective third party to help engage the two of you. It will help.

[suchacutie]

This is not my experience. My wife is completely curious about the person inside of me who is feminine. My wife named her (Tina), bought Tina much of her first clothes, is Tina's fashion consultant, is Tina's psychological consultant, and is Tina's mentor about all things feminine.

What does my wife get out of this? Well, probably a satisfaction of learning who the devil I am (just as I am learning who I am), but on a very functional side her husband is now incredibly sensitive to her and her femininity! Her husband now understands her incredibly well, and better every day, and it covers the gamut from the details of simply getting ready to go out to dinner, to understanding when she wants her man to solve a problem vs. when she wants her girlfriend to help her "bXXch" about a problem. She's confident that I now know what it was like for her growing up and am sympathetic to those foibles of growing up as a girl. Likewise she is much better informed of what it is like to grow up as a boy.

Tina has brought us closer in so many ways. I hardly think trapped is the situation since the other day she called Tina "sweet" and on Saturday said, "do you think Tina can come to visit tomorrow?".

As has been said already, please bring your wife here to the FAB section and let the wonderful GGs there help her to understand all the positives that can come out of a transgendered husband!

[AnnaHeart]

I'm scared because I think it will be quite sometime before I can tell my SO about Anna. :( I'm hoping I can get up the courage to do so soon.

[retrofitme]

Your intuition with your wife is probably correct - she is feeling trapped. It may seem like splitting hairs, but I think your wife is tolerant of the situation, not accepting (yet).

You obviously love her and are in tune with her - that's good! Many of us get lost in the pink fog and forget that our SO is more important than dressing. She probably has lots of questions, concerns, fears, etc. I think it is up to you to work to address her fears and work out the issues that have arisen. I think the key to CDing and relationships is to keep things in perspective.

[GingerLeigh]

I'm scared because I think it will be quite sometime before I can tell my SO about Anna. :( I'm hoping I can get up the courage to do so soon.

Hello AnnaHeart,
I am by no means advocating telling. Although telling was right for us, I would never advise ANYONE to do the same. That kind of advice can be absolutely ruinous to a relationship. Telling or not telling is a choice, nothing more. You must do what is right for your SO, your family, and YOU! Don't think that you're rotten for keeping to yourself, you're not. Don't let anyone (even you) beat you up over it.

As for the courage...Courage comes with self acceptance, and self acceptance comes with enlightenment. You cannot expect anyone to accept that which you do not. So sit back, relax, educate yourself and decide when the time is right to tell, if ever.

[Kathi Lake]

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

It's sad that in in trying to be who we are that we cause others pain. I know that I have hurt my wife greatly, and my heart aches for her. Here is a woman that is trying to love me, and constantly sees reminders that I'm not the "normal" man that she wants, and thought she had - shaved legs in the colder months, and other hair removal - and she is expected to just smile? So basically in order for me to "win" she must "lose." That really, really sucks.

And, speaking of the "one must decrease in order for the other to increase" model, here's another way I have hurt my wife, and trapped her in this thing that we here tend to do; Sometimes I will say something on here that makes it sound as if I were the most feminine one in our relationship (totally BS, by the way!), as if that made me better than others by virtue of being the better "woman." Basically, I still go back to the typical male, "Oh yeah? I can top that!" game. Sad.

So, do we trap our wives? Yes. Some of us do. God willing, we make that place a place where they still want to be. This marriage is one "trap" I never want to get out of.

Kathi

[Darla]

I know that my wife has used that exact same term when describing how she feels some days. I feel like it might be more than just my crossdressing that does it, it includes all sorts of issues, career, kids, income. I know the crossdressing plays a part and one thing most difficult to understand and comes to terms with. But being in therapy helps, as it gives us both an opportunity to have our voices be heard with less judgement and more conscious understanding of the patterns that lead us to despair. Sometimes trapped is where we feel prior to making that drastic break that frees us from everything that we thought we couldn't change, but in our case I really hope that doesn't involve going our separate ways.

In any case - there's something she can do about it - talk. And find out a way to not be trapped. Maybe it's more than just the crossdressing- maybe its her life. Help her out - that's what the tut basis of a marriage is about. I will always help my wife out. Even though she's totally against my dressing, she's trying, as am I. If you try to help your partner feel less trapped, I bet there'll be reciprocation.

Good luck!

[DonnaT]

Probably. She's threatened to leave more than once.

[WifeofWrenchette]

I think basically it is a matter of acceptance. if your SO loves you and accepts you and then comes to realize it is part of who you are then most SOs will be ok with it. just my opinionVery much so Darla. I have accepted that it is part of my SO and I wouldn't want him any other way. It's not something he can stop doing or being so I have accepted it. Not only that, but embraced the cross dressing. I think the FAB section here helped me a lot with acceptance and you ladies perspectives on things has helped immensely too.

[J'lyn GG]

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.



This pretty much sums it up for me. I love my husband more than anything. I could survive without him, but I don't want to. But, I do feel forced to try to accept something I don't think I can. Does that mean I will leave my husband? No. I guess we will just have to figure it out as we go. I will love my husband always, even if he never stops cding. I, however, need to talk about the cding. And I never stop telling him what my feelings are.

[kristinacd55]

Does she have an outlet? Is she on this forum? The best thing I did was telling her to get on here, and also in my case letting my sister in law know which in turn became telling my daughters...etc...etc.
I'm sure she needs an outlet to let her feelings known, that's my advice. :)

[Janelle_C]

My wife has known about my CDing most of our marriage but I down played it a lot. Now 30 years later I want more to figure out my feelings and to dress a lot more of the time and my be even go out dressed. She is a little scared becouse she doesn't know where this is going. She dosn't know how she feels about going out with me and that hurts a little. She has always been supportive so I have to slow down a little for her. I love her more than anything and don't want to loss her even though she says don't worry, I worry. Shy

[prettytoes]

My wife prefers to not be involved, but she is Ok with my dressing. I do not wear skirts or dresses in front of her, but I do keep my toenails painted, wear nighties to bed, I wear panties 24/7, and lounge around in yoga pants and capris. I wear sports bras when I work out, and they go in the wash with everything else. Nothing is hidden anymore.
She has gotten more comfortable with this, but I'm sure she would prefer that it was not this way. She has commented on how much happier I have been, and she knows it's because I can now enjoy my girly side without having to hide anymore.
I wouldn't say she feels trapped, but I know she would prefer I wasn't a CDer. It seems to get better as time goes by. She only found out about a year ago.

[jillleanne]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

Just the opposite here. It simply opened up a world unknown to her prior to meeting me, and she took it with open arms. Her only negative comment at any point up to now, would be if I were to transition, she would have a problem with that in our relationship, understandbly, otherwise, she accepts me unconditionally knowing the man she met some 12 years ago is still with her, just enhanced and no matter what I look like, she still sees a man in there somewhere. We do everything together regardless if I am en femme or not. She pushes me most days to be who I need to be that day. She insists I stay smooth and she epilates the hard to reach spots for example.

[Dana7]

Go slowly...Your wife needs to be the number one woman in your family. Laura

I couldn't have said it better myself. I've found that the SO is not very accepting of certain things, and quite accepting of others. Every woman is different. Let her express how she feels, and it is not against the rules to ask her how she feels--just be prepared in case it happens to be something you don't want to hear. I find that women put up with a lot more than they really care for because they are willing to sacrifice themselves and their feelings. So honor that sacrifice; let her know you appreciate it when she does give you patience and definitely be deliberate with your demonstrations of love and affection towards her. Your most important woman is not the one you see in the mirror, but the one who sees you and loves you and accepts you in spite of your quirks.

[GingerLeigh]

Wonderful responses! Actually there were even a couple of them that brought a tear to my eye they hit so close to home. As for my wife, I know the crossdressing scares her. She has not asked questions because she fears my answers. She has not set boundaries because she fears I'll push them. The only questions she asks is "why?" and "do you want to become a woman?" She shudders and tends to look away when I do dress.

She knows I love her deeply and because she is still with me and "tolerates" my activities I know she truly loves me. I guess that's one positive aspect of the whole telling issue. If she stays and continues to profess her love, you know it's genuine and unconditional. She allows it (but would rather I did not) because she knows I cannot help it, and she stays because I am still the man she married. We have a great, loving, functional relationship.

I have been feeling a little off center since I told her. I never really been able to put my finger on why until recently. She didn't panic or throw me out so I thought I should feel a sense of relief and happiness after telling her. Instead I've let her down and that hurts. I love her so much, knowing I caused any kind of pain really really really sucks. She's stronger than me and for that I'm truly grateful.

[Noortje]

You need to open the lines of communication, and fast. You say she accepts it, but if she did, she would not have as much of a problem with talking about it. It is a good idea to get some counseling, or at least read some books about it together. No good can ever come from not discussing something in a relationship.

If she is afraid to talk about certain topics, then start with something she is not afraid to talk about, however small it is. If the crossdressing does not damage the relationship, the not talking about it certainly will. Almost every relationship takes damage from crossdressing. However, if both partners are willing to make an effort, the damage does not have to be fatal. It is possible to overcome this, but only together.

Maybe a good place to start is to gently start discussing why she is unwilling to talk. Emphasise that talking about her fears is important to the relationship.

[cindi cinnamon]

I don't get the feeling that she feels trapped..... she doesn't seem to be "PUT OFF" when I dress..... She thinks I'm kinda cute..... a little weird perhaps, but definitely "CUTE"...... I love her SOOOOOOOOO much.

[Joanne f]

It can be difficult to truly know how a person is really feeling but over time you should be able to read one another's feelings on different things but in this instant i can be pretty positive that my wife does not feel trapped at all with my CDing in fact i would say that she is far more comfortable with it than i am , you are obviously concerned about it which is the right way to be so i think you are doing the right thing by giving her the space to take it at her pace.

[KrystalA]

My SO is so totally supportive and encouraging. She has told me several times that she'd be terribly disappointed if I ever stopped dressing. She loves Krystal, and of course, Krystal loves her.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Kathi you said it all sis, that is exactly how i feel and what i have done to my will haunt me till my last breath

totally respectfully

Giselle Reeves

[kimdl93]

Not in my case. I told my wife while we were dating, before we got engaged. I'm sure, however, that there are times when she might wish she was married to a more conventional male. But then, I would also guess that in any marriage, there are things about each partner that the other might wish were different. Everyone has their quirks and imperfections. Its our willingness to accept these things that makes long term relationships possible.

[Kelli Ca]

my wife and i have had the talk and yes sometimes i feel she only just tolerates it. i guess just be open, take it slow, be honest see where it goes. This is a big revelation to her keep in mind how she may feel, little dsteps

[SweetPea_GG]

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

It's sad that in in trying to be who we are that we cause others pain. I know that I have hurt my wife greatly, and my heart aches for her. Here is a woman that is trying to love me, and constantly sees reminders that I'm not the "normal" man that she wants, and thought she had - shaved legs in the colder months, and other hair removal - and she is expected to just smile? So basically in order for me to "win" she must "lose." That really, really sucks.

And, speaking of the "one must decrease in order for the other to increase" model, here's another way I have hurt my wife, and trapped her in this thing that we here tend to do; Sometimes I will say something on here that makes it sound as if I were the most feminine one in our relationship (totally BS, by the way!), as if that made me better than others by virtue of being the better "woman." Basically, I still go back to the typical male, "Oh yeah? I can top that!" game. Sad.

So, do we trap our wives? Yes. Some of us do. God willing, we make that place a place where they still want to be. This marriage is one "trap" I never want to get out of.

Kathi

Kathi I loved your reply and it explains it very well. I myself can say as a SO that I feel trapped.. but not trapped in my marriage but into something that really I never wanted. I love my husband to death and would do anything for him which is probably why in the beginning I started out to trying to be so accepting and trying to learn everything I could about this CD world that I was thrown into. But that kinda wore on me and I felt like I was giving and giving and no one was giving back to me. So my whole attitude kinda changed. More as I love you but all this hurts me and I dont like it attitude.

I think GG's in general will take on a lot more and be willing to give up a lot more to make a spouse happy other then a GM and we are less selfish and tend to put others first before our own needs and feelings.. its that mothering instinct. (And I am not saying every male and female are in these roles.. so please dont take that off topic)

I bolded the parts that Kathi wrote which really touched base with me and that I liked.

[docrobbysherry]

Some of the BEST ADVICE I ever got when I was married was this:

"Don't assume your SO knows what your thinking. If u REALLY WANT TO KNOW, ASK HIM/HER!":thumbsup:

If he or she won't discuss it, u need professional help NOW! Or, your marriage may be ending soon!:sad:

[Cristi]

Any advice? What has been your experience?

My wife has always acted very accepting of my dressing. Occasionally, I find myself wondering if she is just putting on a brave face and feels differently inside... but I finally had to decide that I can't spend my life trying to second-guess her feelings. I love her and trust her enough that I decided that I've got to commit to believing what she says about being OK with my dressing. Otherwise, I'd get caught in a lifetime of 'But what if she really...' suppositions that would be impossible to prove or disprove.

If she DID have issues with me that she needed to resolve, I'm going to have to believe that she would be honest with me and bring them up.

[Kathi Lake]

Occasionally, I find myself wondering . . .

I finally had to decide that I can't spend my life trying to second-guess Cristi, and I'm saying this as lovingly as possible, you don't need to wonder and you don't need to guess. She's right there. Ask her!

Will women put on a brave face? Will they bury their feelings for the man they love? Ummmmm, they're women. Duh! :)

Again, don't wait until it's too late, and her brave face slips. Ask her how she is feeling.

Kathi

[KimberlyS]

The only way to know what she thinks is to ask her and her to open up to you and talk about it.

IMHO not talking about it just makes the mind wander and think about the worse. At least that was my experience with my ex. But my ex was mental not able to talk about a lot of things which is why she is now the ex. But what ever works for the two of you.

[CINDYO]

I am with your wife totally, I feel trapped also. No one that I can talk to about this overwhelming revelation, what if my friends find out, what if somone i work with finds out, what about our children, should they be told, what about "us", where is this all going to lead to, does he want to transition, is he going to be one of these guys that "has" to wear womens clothes with the "need" escalating to where it has with some of the guy on here, ie 50% if the time and they still crave more, is he one of these guys that "changes" when dressed and desires a MAN. How much money is he going to spend, will I ever ever again trust this person that i now feel I have no trust in at all, will we ever get back to where we were before, will i ever stop dying insid??????

it is so unfair for a GG to not have been told very early in a relationship, I have know for 8 months and the thoughts still are ever present, 24/7.

[Kathi Lake]

Cindy, hearing your comments is yet another reason why I still feel such guilt. You say your thoughts are always on this, that it's always in the back of your mind. Looking at my wife, I can see this. It colors everything she sees about me, and everything I do - even when it's not what she thinks.

For instance, I dress up about 4-5 times a year. It is obviously not always on my mind. I can go for days and weeks without thinking about my odd little hobby, or desiring to dress up. My wife, however, thinks about it more than me. She sees me with longer then normal nails and thinks, "He wants long, pretty nails." Me? Well, I just haven't taken the time to cut them. Last night, I mentioned that she needed to take me shoe shopping. I saw a flash of fear in her eyes, and realized she thought I meant shopping for women's shoes. What I meant was my one pair of work shoes needed to be replaced.

Ladies, it seems that your mind is always churning - connecting the dots that sometimes don't exist. Can I speak for all of us when I say that we're sorry for putting you through all this?

Another source of guilt is one you mentioned; the inability to talk to others. When I burdened her with this secret, her shame and guilt for me all but guaranteed that this secret would be trapped between us. This is not something that you take to your small group as a prayer request. :) At least I have this forum and the people I've come to know in it as a wonderful source of support. She doesn't have that. Yes, I know about the FAB forum, but do I really want her here? Do I want her to wade through issues that she doesn't even think about yet about me? She knows that I like to dress up, will she also think that I'm like some of the more colorful others here?

Cindy, one phrase stuck with me in your post above, ". . . will we ever get back to where we were before?" Can you explain that more for me? I know my relationship with my wife has changed over the 20-ish years of marriage. We have had our rough spots (Yay me! :(), but overall, it has changed for the better. Should a relationship stagnate? Do you really want to be what and who you were before?

Kathi

[Kerigirl2009]

I would think that yes she feels trapped because she is married to me and yes I am a crossdresser. Now that is me thinking and I am probably wrong, but I will not admit to being wrong.
This is a problem I have to bare and she gets to deal with. I have not forced her to stay so She still has a choice to stay or leave. I am praying for the Stay with me.

Now if I take this crossdressing much further I may be forcing her hand to make a decision if she can live with a husband that has a feminine side and wants to show it at times, (well almost all the time) except when I know it will make her upset because she is not as comfortable with the crossdressing as I am.

I want to go out and LIVE and meet people that will get to know Keri and she prefers I stay WAY BACK in the closet and lock the door. I cant do that any longer

I know I want to have Laser hair removal and OMG I would love to have breasts but I hold off on that because I know a decision like that is a push her over the edge moment and I love her to much for that. But if she said GO for it I would in a heartbeat, But that will not happen

So yes I think my wife feels trapped But she still tries to love me just the same

[SweetPea_GG]

I'm similar to Cindy.. In the past 14mo that I have known and the cats been out of the bag there is not a day that goes by that I'm not thinking about it. I've tried to not have those thoughts but they do creep into my mind and consume me. And just like Kathi stated above when I see certain things on my husband like his nails if they are long my mind races and thoughts spin.. Same with leg shaving.. He does it but knows it makes me sad cause I have told him. But if he still does it why do I have to keep telling him? So I suck it up and don't say anything and it's eating away at me. I don't see the point of each time he does it having to explain again how it turns me off and the feel of it kinda creeps me out. So like a good wife I suck it up and sacrifice something that saddens me to give him what he wants. I just deal.. Even though I go through very depressing times where I wish he could see and feel all the pain and sadness that are behind my eyes.. I'm not good at talking and when I try I don't like to hurt his feelings or make him upset. So at times I would rather just not be the one to bring it up. He's a good husband and has provided for me and our kids since he was 18. I love him and there are just things in life that sometimes you gotta live with no matter how much you dislike or font agree with it.

[Ally 2112]

I told my wife when we were first dating at first she did acceppt it but as time went on and i wanted more she fought against the cding .I went to shrinks dr's even rehab ??????????lol she thought it could be cured and i was letting it take my life over .The point is yes i do think she felt trapped .5 years later we both do love each other and as i told her we split because we had to not because we wanted to !.We were both suffercating from the big pink ugly elephant always being in the room.She agreed

[Presh GG]

Hi Ginger,
I want to talk about it far more than my husband and yes I repeat myself often, not because I don't believe the first answer but more because I'm curious.
I think it is the cds duty to ask if the wife has any questions rather than make her wonder or be the one to always have to bring it up.

Presh GG

[Jenniferathome]

I think GG's in general will take on a lot more and be willing to give up a lot more to make a spouse happy other then a GM and we are less selfish and tend to put others first before our own needs and feelings.
Sweetpea, I agree. Women are just better than men in this way and I think it is perfectly reasonable to generalize this point. The interesting part of this, for me, is that in my case, my wife never thinks abut my crossdressing. I asked her why and she says that it does not affect her. She has no issue with my dressing or the need to go out and I make sure that Jennifer never trumps her in time, attention, anything. As a result, I am the one always making conversation about crossdressing. And when I asked her this specific question, the answer was "No, of course not. Your crossdressing is such a minor part of you and us, how could it matter." I'll add that she does not understand it and never will (me either).

[Tanya C]

I would hate to think that my wife feels trapped in our marriage and harbors some sort of resentment towards me after all these years. And I hope she hasn't been misleading me into thinking that she was fine with my cding when she really wasn't.
But on the other hand I've been blindsided before in life.

[Laura912]

The reason for this reply, is that I spent nearly forty years caring for the physical and mental health of women and feel a little protective of them (Not that they can't protect themselves quite well!). There appears to be roughly three categories of wives based on the threads on the forum: those that know nothing of the cross dressing; those that know of it, allow some, but want it to stay hidden, and those that are aware of the crossdressing and may even participate. What is distressing is that some of the spouses of these wives appear to continually push their wives to move to the next category. The spouse just doesn't seem to listen to their wife when they say "No!" They grow long nails or shave or participate in activities that continually throw it in their wives faces, yet manifesting that the wife is the most important person in their life. The old saying, "Actions speak louder that words" is quite true. If the wife is the most important person to you, LISTEN to her. This is not about you as an individual. It is about you and your SO as a team. Before all those flames are thrown at me, I agree that CDing is part of you but maybe for the sake of both of you, it needs to be subjugated to a lesser role so she does not feel trapped and maybe there will be less angst from some of our wives and SO's.
Laura

[Silentpartner GG SO]

There is a great deal of empathy shown in this thread and a great deal of sadness.

My mum was a batty old moo for the most part but she said something to me once that I've tried to keep in mind throughout my life and that is:

"you should never take your happiness at the expense of someone else's"

If everyone tried to live by this standard, wouldnt the world be a better place.

[Kathi Lake]

. . . it needs to be subjugated to a lesser role so she does not feel trapped and maybe there will be less angst from some of our wives and SO's.


"you should never take your happiness at the expense of someone else's"

Both of these quotes cut to the heart of the matter. To appease some of our wives, it doesn't need to be subjugated to a lesser role, it needs to be eliminated entirely! That is the only way they will be happy. My wife would be happy - no, overjoyed - if I were to stop all behavior, throw away all my things, and never even think about crossdressing again. That way I would not be taking my happiness at the expense of hers anymore.

Everybody wins, right?





Right?



Kathi

[kimdl93]

I would hope that the admonition to " never take happiness at someone else's expense" works both ways. Like Kathi, I'm sure that if my wife had a magic wand, she'd make me a conventional male. Maybe not...but she's willing to accept something that other women often find difficult to accept, and I deeply appreciate it.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

No Kathi that wouldnt be right at all - because you deserve happiness too -- its not a one way street is it - to my mind marriage is all about compromise, consideration and respect and of course love.

From your posts Kathi it seems fairly obvious that you are a very caring and loving person and would go out of your way to minimise the impact your CD'ing has on your wife's happiness. No wife can or should expect their partner to be a martyr to her needs and wants - that would be her taking her happiness at her partner's expense.

IMO discussion has to be the key. Everyone is different and what irritates and upsets one person, another will find perfectly acceptible. Its only by working through things, and trying to come to a status where both parties are happy (or reasonably happy) with the situation that a long term relationship can work. Just because two people get married they dont automatically become one person, thinking alike about every single thing, but hopefully when they got married they realised that there would have to be give and take on both sides, its really a matter of what each party is willing to put into a marriage, rather than what they are prepared to take out.

But that is only my opinion.

[Marleena]

Ginger I can't give any advice, only my own experience. First of all every woman is different. Some will never accept it, others have issues with it and a small group of GG's are not threatened by it at all. The fact is we are the same person they married even when dressed. There really isn't a third person even though we name our femme selves. You must explain how you feel, where it's headed (be honest) and talk out boundaries she is comfortable with. Again they are all different.

My coming out talk was not a surprise to her when we had it since I was fully dressed for Halloween this year. I told her I didn't want the night to end, she had seen my excitement each year near Halloween. It was the one day anything went as far as dressing. She knew I underdressed from time to time but wasn't crazy about it (out of sight out of mind). Anyways the next day I explained I could not stop dressing up. I told her I had to do it but did not know why. We had the genetics/biological reasons talk. We had the don't tell the kids talk. We set boundaries for it, no sex with me dressed and don't take it to the bedroom. She realizes this is out of my control and did not ask for it. She realizes this could happen to anybody, just like a homosexual did not choose to like the same sex. I asked if she would disown or stop loving her kids if they were transgendered. That put it in perspective for her.

We are only a few months into this but having fun with it. I would prefer to live 24/7 as female but I limit myself to underdressing and dressing fully a couple times a week for her sanity. She knows I won't transition since I'm getting up there in age and not going to stress my family with this. Anyways, she noticed a huge change in me since the talk. I'm no longer depressed or angry. She likes the new me. We go shopping for clothes and laugh about my new "pretty" word. We talk fashion and other girl stuff. We booked an enfemme vacation for me. So you both can have fun with it and not feel threatened by it.

[GingerLeigh]

Ok, I've gleaned info from this post (there was soooo much helpful advice) and tried to apply it as best I could.

We talked.
We forged forward. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels.
We talked more about the what and why, she understands it a little better.
We set limits.

I managed to obtain some more info and even some boundaries. She says she's not threatened by it, would rather I did not do it but it's OK if I do. However it seems that the more complete the outfit, the more spooked she is. I will respect her wishes and NOT push her limitations on me. We're in steady ground and as long as I don't force things on her and ease into it, I can dress without her being scared of it.

Even still, I can't help but feel a bit ridiculous when I dress in front of her. But the lack of comfort appears to be mutual for now.

Again, thanks for all the wonderful advice!

Ginger

[Fran Moore]

Well put Kathi, and very sad as well, but these are the cards we, (and they) have been dealt, for better/or worse.......I personally just hate it.


Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

It's sad that in in trying to be who we are that we cause others pain. I know that I have hurt my wife greatly, and my heart aches for her. Here is a woman that is trying to love me, and constantly sees reminders that I'm not the "normal" man that she wants, and thought she had - shaved legs in the colder months, and other hair removal - and she is expected to just smile? So basically in order for me to "win" she must "lose." That really, really sucks.

And, speaking of the "one must decrease in order for the other to increase" model, here's another way I have hurt my wife, and trapped her in this thing that we here tend to do; Sometimes I will say something on here that makes it sound as if I were the most feminine one in our relationship (totally BS, by the way!), as if that made me better than others by virtue of being the better "woman." Basically, I still go back to the typical male, "Oh yeah? I can top that!" game. Sad.

So, do we trap our wives? Yes. Some of us do. God willing, we make that place a place where they still want to be. This marriage is one "trap" I never want to get out of.

Kathi

[jaglover]

I just wanted to say, without going into personal details, that it can get a lot more complicated and difficult if there are other, unrelated problems in the relationship - such as money, kids, bedroom etc. Two things seem to go wrong in these circumstances.

(1) The SO, faced with an unrelated problem that deeply upsets her but she can't do anything about it, may 'get back' at us by dissing the cross-dressing (and anything else she can), making it impossible to know what her true feelings would be if everything else was OK.
(2) We, faced with something unrelated about our SO we're pissed about, can feel reluctant to speak up and fight our corner because of our guilt about the unwelcome 'guest' we brought into the relationship.

I salute all you SOs who are cool with all this; I suspect your relationships as a whole are in pretty good shape to be able to bear the extra load.

[Stephanie47]

Cross dressing is not my wife's cup of tea. She knows! She tolerates! I keep it private. She does not understand. I don't either. Yes, if there are other issues in the marriage, cross dressing may become an excuse for a marital break up. After all, who would side with the cross dresser? Poor wife! How did she put up with it for sooooo long? She's a saint. Poor girl. Blah blah. My wife said she would reveal my (our) secret to all and destroy me. Then she said she would never to that, if we split. Once said, it cannot be retracted. As I've said before, the wife hold the ultimate weapon of mass male destruction. Somehow the level of trust is never the same. She may not trust you because she was not told of the secret life. And, we may always have that little fear in the back of the mind.

[kimdl93]

[QUOTE=Stephanie47;2760586] .... Yes, if there are other issues in the marriage, cross dressing may become an excuse for a marital break up.... My wife said she would reveal my (our) secret to all and destroy me. Then she said she would never to that, if we split. Once said, it cannot be retracted. As I've said before, the wife hold the ultimate weapon of mass male destruction...QUOTE]

My ex wife at one time said "I have too much class to reveal your cross dressing out of spite." And then in the midst of the divorce, she did just that to our children, her family, my family, her coworkers, my coworkers, her friends, our friends, pretty much anyone who would listen. Oddly enough, if this was the supposed to be the ultimate weapon of mass destruction, it turned out to be a dud. I can't think of a single family member, friend or co-worker that rejected me or distanced themselves in any way as a result of this episode. I think, in the end, most people don't want to get dragged down into the gutter by the ill-intended remarks and actions that come out of a divorce.

[Kathi Lake]

From your posts Kathi it seems fairly obvious that you are a very caring and loving person and would go out of your way to minimise the impact your CD'ing has on your wife's happiness. No wife can or should expect their partner to be a martyr to her needs and wants - that would be her taking her happiness at her partner's expense.Thank you so much for those words. I try so, so, so hard to be the husband - the man - my wife wants me to be. I try to place her needs before my own - and that works, for a time. . .


IMO discussion has to be the key.Yes. It is. But what about when you both know that the stove is hot, and talking about this can only stir up trouble? What about when you are both mutually embarrassed and hesitant to talk about it? What about when life seems to be going swimmingly - and then I go and want to get dressed up. How can I bring her newfound happiness crashing to the ground yet again?



We talked.
We forged forward. She knows how I feel, I know how she feels.
We talked more about the what and why, she understands it a little better.
We set limits.

I managed to obtain some more info and even some boundaries.Ginger, this is wonderful!! Congratulations on talking things through with your wife. I would say that you are in a wonderful place - even with the boundaries.


Even still, I can't help but feel a bit ridiculous when I dress in front of her.I can understand totally! My wife once asked me if I wanted her to be involved at all. I'm sure I blew it (yeah, I know - typical guy) when I said no. She must have thought that it was an area that I wanted her to stay out of. I said no because I thought of the embarrassment of her from seeing me that way. Of course, with the way I look, it may bring her a sense of peace, knowing how ridiculous I do look. :)


Well put Kathi, and very sad as well, but these are the cards we, (and they) have been dealt, for better/or worse.......I personally just hate it.Agreed, Suzanne. And sorry for the sadness. I've been kind of a Debbie Downer lately. :)

Kathi