Strength, Support, and the Forum

[Anne2345]

I have been going through some rough times lately. Although I have much to be thankful for, I have been far from myself. Instead, I have unwisely and foolishly allowed myself to be pulled down by the callous and dispassionate grasp of depression, despair, and confusion. I am not alone in depression, but such knowledge does not always alleviate the pain.

When the moment strikes, however, I do write about my emotions and thoughts, both happy and sad, and submit them to the forum. Feedback and responses are always helpful, understanding, and compassionate. I have been fortunate to forge friendships within the forum, which is important to me.

Both friends and members alike, though, have not only expressed friendship and support, but also provided much needed strength. This injection and showing of support and strength is most welcome, and I am certainly grateful for and accept the offer and expression of the same. Consequently, I know I am not alone on my journey, and that solace and comfort can be taken in numbers.

As a result, I believe, at its heart, that this forum is a magnificently effective support group. Although daily forum topics range from the humorous to the sad, from the fun to the ultra-serious, and from the educational to the inane, at the end of the day, we are here not only for ourselves, but for others. It is this coming together within the membership that, when a member is struggling, confused, and in pain, makes this forum truly a wonderful and magical place.


Anne :)

[Barbara Ella]

Can I get an Amen!

Cannot add anything more to what you have said so well Anne.

Babes

[docrobbysherry]

As u profess, Anne, we r here for u! I certainly am, too. I have lot's of life experience if not so much in the girl inside a guy stuff!

Please remember u can PM me anytime u desire! Valentines Day is supposed to be a happy, romantic, exciting time! I'm sorry you're NOT FEELING IT!

[Jacqueline Winona]

Always glad to see you around, Anne! You're such a deep thinker and have a beautiful spirit. Glad we can help you out any way we can. :)

[Kathi Lake]

If we don't support each other, who will? The world certainly won't support us! :)

Anne, like you I have forged friendships here that boggle the mind. Think about it; we have friends here where we don't even know their real name, or what they look or sound like. Still, the connections we have made with them are strong and enduring.

Sorry to hear about the depression. It is a battle that is rather endemic to our little population, sadly. I don't know if you accept prayers, but consider some coming your way.

Kathi

[NathalieX66]

Hi Anne,
Peace, love & hugs.
In my case, I made a choice to decide between a therapist, and support groups. I chose going to transgender support groups, mainly to compare notes. I wanted to hear other peoples' stories, not an opinion from one person.

[goodnhose]

No anne your not alone! We surround you and hope and pray that your tomorrow is brighter than today.

[elizabethamy]

Hang in there, Anne. I share your fear! For me, support groups are not allowed; going out is not allowed. Yet I think about when I can dress all the time, I feel so good when I am dressed, and I have a great therapist who's trying to keep up with my craziness.

But beyond all that -- I'm with you that this forum is so essential that at times it feels like a true lifeline. It's a community of personal stories and perspectives that together amounts to a stunning amount of collective wisdom. I feel myself, though terribly frightened of the future, becoming much stronger and more confident...

....trust yourself, trust the forum, keep reaching out, Anne. You are awesome.

Elizabethamy

[SusanCACD]

I think we can all relate, I sure can. I have been reading and leaning for some time here and the daily battle with my own demons seems to be turning, thanks for expressing it so well, and thank to the forum.
Susan

[TGMarla]

I feel for you, my friend. I wish I could reach inside of you and rip the depression from you. I wish I could bring you a flashlight and a road map, and lead you away from that dark place. I'm here if you need to talk.

[Laura912]

Have lived with spouse who for half a century has wrestled as you are with depression which was once described as the mind trying to eat itself. Maria said it well. I, too, wish we could wrest it from you or all of us take on a bit of it in an empathic way and relieve you.
Laura

[kimdl93]

I'm very glad that you've found a source of support here. Comfort and strength can be found in knowing that you're not alone and that other people grapple with the same difficulties.

[Lucy Furr]

Depression is an insidious thing. By the time you realize it, its already been there for a long time. I myself try to visit here as much as I can to find a safe place of understanding and to remind myself that I am not alone. We are all in the same boat, to some degree. I didn't know what to expect when I signed up here but was very pleasantly surprised to find it to be an intelligent and mature place. It makes me happy and gives me strength. My guilt, self loathing, and depression have been replaced with acceptance, self respect, and joy.

[elizabethamy]

Anne, as you probably know, my first hope when I joined this forum and went into therapy was that self-discovery would alleviate my depression and my need for Wellbutrin and its friends. I do feel better and stronger, but as the depression lessens, the gender confusion rises. It's either a massive delusion that is another way of me hiding from my real problems (which I doubt) or it's a huge issue that I have to face. When you talk about depression, and you also say that you have decided that you are indeed TS, that opens up some possibilities. Of course transitioning will create a whole new set of problems (family, friends, job, etc) that are all too well documented. But it will also (probably) alleviate your depression. One therapist suggested to me that the best way to get rid of my frustrations about gender is to take hormones. Your brain is craving estrogen, she told me.

Well, okay. But before I do that I have to decide how big a commitment I want to make. Would alleviating the depression AND the dysphoria be worth the cost to family, job and friends, etc? I'm on the fence.

Realizing that this is your thread, I offer a snapshot of my current situation just because of what the therapist suggested and in the assumption that perhaps these are the issues you're talking about here. Be strong!

e.

[Janelle_C]

It sadens my heart to hear that you are going thow this but you are not alone. I thought I was alone until I fond this place and it has lifted me up. Just try and remember there is sunshine throw the clouds, it is just hard to see sometimes.:)
Hugs, Shy

[Debb]

This forum IS a support group, and you, Anne, have been making very good use of it. Sometimes, though, a person just needs more support than can be gotten in a diverse group .. sometimes, one on one with a disinterested third party would be helpful.

[Anne2345]

In previous posts, I have written about my depression. In this, I am far from alone in my thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Many here have undoubtedly experienced depression to some degree or another, or are currently experiencing it.

Unfortunately, if one allows it, depression can strip life of joy, and shroud one’s soul in darkness. It can dim one’s perception of what is important, dull the senses, and assault and attack one’s otherwise good judgment. Depression can also render one sightless and an absolute blockhead.

I am, however, neither blind nor a fool. Yet, by and through depression, I have allowed myself to play the part of the blind fool. In this, I now recognize that I have unfairly blamed myself for that which I should otherwise embrace, nurture, and celebrate.

Consequently, I am angry at myself that I have blamed my own femininity, and the female within, for contributing to my depression. The woman within is innocent, and without fault. In this, I deserve better than to chastise myself for being transgendered. I am who I am, and I cannot change this fact of life.

I am also angry at myself for being afraid, and for succumbing to the fear breeding within my inner being. The female within, she that is me, is lovely, magical, and extraordinary. Within reason, why should I care what others may think of Anne? Given an appropriate amount of caution, I should not be concerned with the negativity of others. Instead, I should dig deep, and seek to experience life from a perspective that is true to my being. I should not be afraid of magnificence, beauty, or the wonderment of life and all that it has to offer. I should embrace it. I should make it my own.

Depression can weaken the spirit. My spirit has been weak for too long. But no more. I am working hard to push the pendulum the other way. I am mad at myself. I shall channel this anger into a productive, constructive, loving energy of the self. I shall defeat my demons, and embrace Anne for the fantastic being that she is. I shall strive for happiness. I deserve no less. We deserve no less. :)

[JLynn17]

Anne babe keep ur head up, u do deserve happiness and u are very beautiful... if you ever need to talk feel free to hit me up anytime babe...

[Jacqueline Winona]

Now that's the Anne that I love so much! Good to hear these words. :)

[Marleena]

Atta girl! Now you're talking! We want Anne back!:)

[DonnaT]

Good to hear you've come to recognized what isn't the cause for your depression. It's usually a chemical imbalance in the brain.

[sonna]

anne you have a gift for words i will give you that. if you know your depressed than you can change it.
i change my outlook on life i put myself out there moore im nicer to people and what i give out i get
back. i never belived that could work but it does for me and may for some of you.

just as a side note people recieve what you send out.
you ever notice people always hang around the happy outgoing person.
just to give all of you something to think about.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Anne,
I can feel your pain. My depression is always temporary. Thankfully I do not suffer from any clinical depression of any kind. Many do.
I am not one side of the gender fence, or the other.....I am just simply me.

I have to live with my femme self, I like being a girl. There isn't even a sexual apect of it. I'm just jealous of women, and what women do. They have freedom. I'm most happy getting a pedicure in an outlandish color like metallic blue. I go shopping as a woman sometimes. I hae a pretty wicked shoe collection.

I like being a guy....Things get done. It involves hammers, saws, chisels, and fire, and acting like an A-hole sometimes to get what I want or need.
People are complicated.....I am.

[taís]

anger is a gift. :)
to me it's kinda like messing with explosives: gotta be careful not to blow yourself together, but when used with care there's no other force like that. (and to be clear I'm talking about channeling anger to positive things, of course. (ever wrote a poem in a fit of rage or is it just me? ^ ^))

for all the reasons stated, you should really be angry with yourself. but don't be too hard! you were trying your best. you are. you didn't wanted to neglect Anne, but you couldn't do any better. you are doing more now because you build it within you. how could you have done differently? (and in the case you have good answers about that, I'd like to remember you that our brain traps are as smart as our conscience :x) so keep angry, but don't forget to understand yourself ^ ^ (or it could backfire and Anne will end up hurting that other guy.)

Anne, you are very, very powerful. it shows in each of your posts, even on the bad days. so I'm betting all my money on you: go on and slays those demons! (/hands over a Lightbringer sword)

*hugs*

[Ineke Vashon]

It is said that depression is anger turned inward. Your anger turned outward is a powerful force. Use it well!

Ineke

[KellyJameson]

Anger as all emotion is a fuel that creates action, it is as necessary to life as oxygen, it can serve life or destroy it.

To often in the desire to be good and decent we throw away the very things we need to become good and decent. Moral outrage (anger) is a good when it is in defense of self based on justice (equality) or in the service of others who are not able to protect themselves from injustice.

I am Kelly and Kelly is me, not a part of me that I place in a box when I take the clothes off. The clothes did not create Kelly they only helped me discover me. They did not add to or create my confusion but gave me clarity so that I'm able to look backwards over my life and say '" but of course" the answers were always there, it was the questions I was getting wrong because I used everyone else's words and not my own.

I would become angry if someone tried to murder Kelly because I can see that is exactly what the world has always been trying to do since childhood because I am less useful to the world as me and as me I make their perfect world made up of safe sameness less so.

Growing pains never really stop, only their nature changes. The Snake to grow sheds it's skin, the Caterpillar emerges from it's cocoon as a Butterfly.

The act of "becoming" is more necessary, difficult, confusing, dangerous and urgent for those who do not share in the familiarity of the flock. It is the minority of one that shows the majority how to become a minority of one and so how to begin living not as an echo of others shaped into a cookie cutter mold but with their own voice.

“How much more there is now to living! Instead of our drab slogging forth and back to the fishing boats, there’s reason to life! We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free! We can learn to fly!"

“What he had once hoped for the Flock, he now gained for himself alone; he learned to fly, and was not sorry for the price that he had paid.

Quotes from Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach.

[KaTanya]

Yeah, anger can be a gift, but only if you can release it in a healthy way. Start singing (screaming???) for a metal band. You get to release the anger, and mosh pit accidents aside, no one gets hurt. \m/

[Amy Hepker]

I understand your depression, I too have it really bad, mine is mostly from not being able to have a Lady that wants me for me. All the Ladies I run into want my male side and not Amy. I have to admit I am at the end of my rope and may not even see next week. It is really to bad that Wonderful People like ourselves cannot have a true relationship, because we are 2 people instead of one. I am Amy and have never NEVER felt like the male person I have to be at my job. I would look ionto the mirror when I was youmg and wonder who this ugly person starring back at me was as I am female. I am healthy as a Race horse and that is really great for my age, but what good is that if I am the loneliest person in the world because I have no one that wants me for me. I have stated before that I am not gay, never have been and never will be, I am either heterosexual or a Lesbian. I am not crazy, just so lonely.

[Beverley Sims]

Grit your teeth, take stock of the situation.
"I am a man in a silly dress and I need a shave and less eyebrows. A wig would help"
Go get the wig, pluck a hair or two from the eyebrows, some perfume, makeup, dig out some attractive clothes from that closet.
Experiment with shoes, boots, sandals and accessories. A watch, bracelet, necklace, rings and ear rings all together can do wonders.
After you rummage around for a while and a bit of swapping of bits you will see a more attractive you in there somewhere. Choose that one...
Big smile now, and GO FOR IT.
See! Not angry any more.
You look a lot better than I do. With features like that you should get outside and do something.
Dressed as a man I would probably want to hit on you.

[Kaz]

Hi Anne,

I absolutely understand your feelings and share your pain. Just hang in there girl and stay true to who you are! You are a great friend indeed and I love the Anne that I meet in this place - tender, caring, witty, and yeah... sometimes angry too! Take Care xx

[donnalee]

I'm glad to hear you've become at peace with who you are and whatever idiosyncrasies that may entail. It seems a difficult step for a lot of us; after all you've spent most of your younger years learning how to fit into society, a majority of which, in my opinion, is propaganda more than useful knowledge. As long as you are damaging no one, feel free to express yourself as you see fit. Only you can determine what that is; nobody else can.

[Kate Simmons]

This fear aspect is part of addressing who we are. You have to face this fear and acknowledge it exists in order to move forward as a person. What I did was to ask myself: "What is the absolute worse thing that could happen"? and take it from there. We lose both precious time and joy by needlessly worrying about it.:)